3:00 pm

So, I'm on strike. They again didn't have the partners meeting this morning. I told Herbert that I'll return when something is decided -- Wednesday at earliest. He keeps telling me things will work out, but I'm growing ever-suspicious. He mentioned today that he thought I was being paid in advance. Hoo boy. That's a good one. But maybe it's a trick they'll try to use. This really sucks. I have a feeling we'll have to come to a "compromise." Fine. Then I'll leave. If I could at least get the $500 owed me up to August 15th, it'd be something.


9:30 pm

Well, my neighbors agree that I did what I had to do. I figured that I've earned 450 pts/hour -- with the money they still owe me. But we get paid 1000 pts/hour for the weddings. That doesn't make sense. It was nice chatting with mis vecinos. I need to do it more often. So. It's still a waiting game. But I'm pretty proud of my move today. Their move now.


11:15 pm

I've been reading my journal through July 1987. I do enjoy it. What a strange life I've led. I'm looking forward to seeing Joel at Bolivia tonight. Why? Oh, hell I don't know. I love reading about my travels. I have traveled a lot. And I always enjoy it so much! But I hate reading about my pinings over guys. I still do it, don't I?

10:40 pm

I've been re-reading my journal from June 10, 1985 - June 8, 1986. My, what a year! I'm thinking of making a chart of my life. Graph the high and low trends. The ecstasy, the depression. The wavering. What has brought me out of depressions? Jobs, I think. What has gotten me into depressions? Relationships -- or lack of. Financial problems, too. It's so weird reading that stuff. Almost like it happened to someone else. And so much is so embarrassing. The whining over Kevin Krupsky. Incredible. All a part of my life-journey. I loved getting stoned and writing so much Friday night. Great fun. Yesterday, I did a wedding with José, Alberto and Manuel (he's more fantasy material, by the way.) I hated not understanding their conversations. But later on, we had some good discussions. I would've really enjoyed myself if it weren't for the language barrier. More frustrations. I went to the beach in Torremolinos today. My bike seat got stolen. Shit. More money. They didn't have the meeting at work on Friday. Tomorrow. Mañana. I told Herbert again how frustrated I am and how un-respected I feel. If I don't get paid tomorrow, I'm going to stop working until I do. I talked to Paul last night. It's been one of the coldest, rainiest summers in Detroit's history. I'm so glad I'm not there! You know, I wrote in my journal, asking my mom to "intervene on my behalf" just before I got the job in Port Huron -- which pulled me out of probably my life's worst depression. Interesting. I guess I still need to talk to my mom and dad. They're still watching over me, I'm sure of it.

11:50 am

I feel like I'm wrestling with demons. Once again, I'm torn. Haven't yet heard the results of today's meeting, but I'm so pessimistic. I think I should walk out now -- before tomorrow's wedding if I'm not paid. Or on Monday. But the fact is, I need that money. So I'm stuck, aren't I? Does the "principle" outweigh the economics? If I work until the 15th at least I'd get some money. That just makes sense. Then I could fuck 'em. Rent is due next week. I don't think I can withdraw from Visa for another 2 weeks. Stuck. No, of course I'm not really. Annelies could lend me money. There's MasterCard, too. But this really sucks having this weigh on my mind all the time. It was nice talking to Corrine and Annelies about it. Corrine says she had a great job in Holland, a house, a boyfriend, a Mercedes. But she left it. And now she's struggling. But for her, it's worth it. I just don't know if it's worth it for me. She says she has no regrets. Well, I don't have regrets for coming here, just maybe for staying now. If I stay now, I mean. Up to now -- no problem. But now I'm doubting more. I think of calling Matt, but then Laurie Anderson sings, "I don't need anybody's help, I'm gonna get there on my own." So anyhow, as always it boils down to money, doesn't it? But doesn't getting paid -- on time, in full -- also represent respect? I don't like not being respected. I don't like being "used." It batters the self-esteem.


10:10 pm

I'm gonna eat eggs tonight. Wow. I think I'm stoned. I'm so mad I left my journal at work. How stupid! But I have to write on something. I got "paid" with hash today. Hah! Not bad. Shit. I'm stoned. I'm so mad that I'll have to transcribe this. I hope nobody comes over. I want to be alone right now. I have to remember to call Paul's surprise birthday party tonight. No way! I don't think I'll be able to leave this apartment tonight. I really wanted to go to Bolivia to see if Tomas is there. Maybe I will. It's not late yet. Best time to go is 12:30 -- two hours from now. Strange hours -- especially in the summer. Many businesses close for the day at 2 or 3. Many are closed completely for the month of August. Vacaciones. But people don't eat dinner until midnight -- the beachfront restaurants are packed until almost 1 am. And they don't go to the bar until that time or later. Night life continues until 8 or 9 am. Really! I wish I had gone back to the Feria again last week.

10:35

I can't believe what I just "had to do" and how much I accomplished. I'm so stoned I decided to close the door and lower the blinds and put on the headphones, because I didn't want anyone to stop by. I couldn't deal with having to speak -- Spanish -- right now. So I saw the eggs. I guess I should explain that prologue. I was making hard-boiled eggs. Now I'm confused. I thought I just did this egg thing during the door/blinds episode. But I see I wrote about the eggs before that trip. Anyway, I'm so stoned I'll need to eat something and since the eggs are available, I thought I'd probably end up eating them although it doesn't sound so good to me right now. I do have some ice cream. That and brownies....the all-time best thing to eat when you're colgado. It's good to study these things. I'm listening to "Mammals" by They Might Be Giants. So many inputs. I'm trying to write about the past and I keep getting interrupted by the present! But these songs are so fucking weird! I love it! I just fall into it. It's inside me. We're one! "The Statue Got Me High." But that's one of the things I did during this descanso to withdraw into myself. I put on this CD. I was going to listen to the tape of Poi Dog Pondering, but the Sinead O'Connor side is at the beginning. I couldn't wait for it to rewind, and I just wasn't in a Sinead O'Connor mood right now. Know what I mean? Yeah, I thought so. So what I did with the eggs is put them into cold water. ("Spider" So fucking weird! In my head. "Get rid of. Must stop. He is our hero." Why does that make so much sense right now? Zongo! It's like spider is the marijuana. No. No.... Yes! "He is our hero!") Wow. I was just reviewing that entire "Spider" episode again. I was pretending to act it out -- a la Spaulding Gray. Storytelling. How I would tell it to a group. Now I'm just trying to review that last thought. And I'm so fucked up that I can't. Just can't! I have this music in my head and I can't concentrate. They're talking about salivating dogs. "Good dog." It's so confusing. Too many stimuli. What time is it now? 10:56. I just wrote for 20 minutes. Well, I was interrupted by thinking from time to time! The present taking over from the past. Time Wars! Off the map. That's where I am right now, Like that time I was in the corner of the ceiling at Matt and Eli's during the Super Bowl. I was right there in the corner of the ceiling. Now I'm off the map. I don't know this song. No words. Oh, that's no fun!

10:59

This sounds Madness-like. "The Hall of Hats" "The Hallowed Head"? What is it called? "The Song of the Hall of Heads," I think. I don't have a clue. Am I going to be able to go out tonight? Doubt it! Peligroso. Spines aren't straight! They're supposed to be curved. That's from "Which Describes How You're Feeling All The Time." "Dots and Lines" sounds mod-ish. There are no limits to music. You can go anywhere. Even off the map. Work. Jerk.

11:09

"A paper-white mask of evil." I was just storytelling again. Imagining videotaping this trip. It could be edited. And win some avant-garde film festival. Really! Hmmm. I mean, where do these things come from? All these far-out ideas were thoughts just like this once. But some are realized. I'm writing too fast. No. Not fast enough to record all this. And now it's "Fingertips." I have to get lost in it. Oh! I can't believe it! "Mysterious whisper." "What's that blue thing doing here?" "I don't understand you." "I'm havin' a heart attack." Stop writing!

11:16

That's a fantastic song. Incredibly performed. Reality -- sprung forth from fantasy. Just made that up (and I'm pretty proud of it, thank you.)

11:18

I'm out of music. Oh man! What I meant to write back at 11:09 was that I ate an egg already! How did I forget that? The present heaving aside the past again. I was just thinking again of the videotaping idea. And thinking that I couldn't do it. How embarrassing! But didn't MTV recently videotape the home life of seven young adults for several months? I think that's fantastic. I'd love to see it -- if it's real. Not acting. Several of those people were performers. I wonder if they "acted" their home-life for three months. Checking every movement, every emotion. Arrgh. How horrible that would be! Everything you do! No way. It's a hoax. They didn't really record everything. Man. TMBG is over, but now I'm hearing "Please Don't Go" from the disco down the hill. Loud. Strong wind. At 11:18 I had meant to get up out of this chair. I haven't yet. It's 11:26.

11:29

That was tough! Picking out music to play. But I decided finally on "Songs for Europe," a compilation tape I made before last year's trip. Very nice choice. Strong, yet fruity. I want to sit on the terrace, but I still can't face anyone. I'm gonna have another egg.

11:33

What is it you're supposed to put in hard-boiled egg water to make the, easy to peel? Vinegar? Am I high?

11:35

Here's Laurie Anderson's "Monkey's Paw." She's so good to crawl inside. Nothing meant by that. Well, yes, something, but not that! Time for some ice cream -- with almonds (I swear!) That with eggs and beer? Well. Maybe later. I'm not going to re-write this. It gets stuffed in. Could I concentrate on one thing long enough when I'm high to write a screenplay? I'm thinking of this videotaping thing again. Well, no, actually the Spaulding Gray performance. That would need to be scripted, no? No! Of course not! Well, maybe. It's like the MTV thing. Needs to look spontaneous and real. But is it really just acting? Is someone knocking on my door? I don't know. "Deadbeat Club" is in my ears. "Love Can be Stranger Than Fiction" while I was fregarplato-ing -- washing dishes. And now I just got deja-vu. Really. Oh, it's 11:46. I meant to get some beer from the fridge.

11:49

I love Spain right now. Happy with myself. Right with the world. I do think I'll still go out tonight. I was right an hour and a half ago. Plenty of time to do it all. My beer is way over there on top of the fridge! Why is it there? And I'm here! Why didn't it come with me? Distracciones. Gettin' the beer now.

11:53

I have to go outside for "Life from A Window."

11:57

It was nice being out there. "Observing everything around you." But I have to admit I was a bit paranoid. Still not ready to come out of my little world just yet. And no one can come in -- right now. Oh, there's Matilde! Hide! Whew. That was close. Maybe I'm too tired to go out. Just like my life. Can't decide. I have to work a wedding tomorrow night. Drag. I can't believe I'm in Spain. Why? How did I land here? Me! Just me! Seems so silly. But you know, there are a lot of other people who did it, too. And we've all come together in this tiny corner of the world. Travelers. Passing through each other's procession of life. But then we go on, don't we? I have to remember this when I'm down about missing my friends. It's a lifetime journey. We pass in and out of each other's lives. Sometime we come back quite regular -- like Haley's Comet. But seriously. The circles -- orbits -- cross. Some return, some don't. But they've all had an effect. Their "gravity" has altered our course a little bit. We're all molded by the people we interact with. Look at what you learn from your parents. Or what about someone who brought a bad experience to your life? How has that changed you? It's there. You still remember it, don't you? It's there. In your life history.

12:10

Well, the tape just self-destructed. So I had to change the music to "Cosmic Thing." I'm off that last train of thought. But it was a nice ride, wasn't it? Yeah. makes sense. Thanks, friends!

12:12

I just had to get up and close the blinds again. Right when I get philosophical and mushy. But I was paranoid of people watching me. From down below in the plaza. (Okay, it's a parking lot.) Plaza Ruiz Valle. My home. In this chapter of my life. I wonder where I'm going next. I can honestly say I don't have the slightest clue. Really. How exciting. (My confused twin says, "How frightening.) How brave! (How irresponsible.) How confident! (How insecure.) How adventurous! (How lonely.) Reflections on my life right now. Torn. Off the map.

12:20

Man, I need to publish this. Any one of these ideas I've been given to in the past two hours would probably work. Just got to do it! Doubt. Doubt. Doubt. Incredible Doubt. "The Awful Dynn" -- The Phantom Tollbooth. I can't believe I related my "Little Match Girl" story in Amsterdam to Gitta. How funny. She, of course, is Danish, so she knows the story. I miss Gitta! She's a truly great friend. And we'll probably never see each other again. Aw hell, why not? The world's not that big!

12:26

Here's something to pass time. If you were having a party with any 100 friends/family, etc., who would you invite? Transportation's not a problem. Like if you suddenly became a billionaire and wanted to throw a big party with your favorite people. Who would you pick? What if it were 50? 25? Now it's really tough. Weird thought to "rank" your friends. Suddenly I don't like it. But it's interesting at the 100 people level. It's 12:30. Doubtful about going out.

12:34

I can't get rid of my confused twin. Why can't I come to a simple decision? I jumped up, opened the blinds, went out on the terrace. I was thinking of going out. Yeah. Why not? See what Annelies is doing. But... Why can't you just enjoy a night at home by yourself -- without having to worry about the people you "might have met" if you had gone out. Just get stoned. Enjoy the ride. Why always have doubts about my decisions? Or lack of decisions. I really have to make a definite plan for tonight. I did think I'd go out, though. Is it okay to change your mind?....Every 42 seconds?? Roam if you want to. My mind is roaming. I could go out to see if anyone's at Bolivia/Donde. Only Tomas might be. Worth the "risk"? What if no one's there? Then you've blown it, blockhead! Shut up, Lucy. Lucy. That's my twin. My twin has a name now.

12:47

Whichever decision you make, it's okay! You did what you needed to do at that point in your life-journey. I had made the decision to go out -- again. But now I'm wavering again. But it just doesn't matter. Either way is an exciting path. Outward. Inward. So much to be experienced in both caminos. Past. present. Future. "Our universe is expanding." -- Topaz by B-52s. What a great journal experience this is!

1:14

Okay. At that party with 100 people, which 100 songs would you play? I'm going to do this sometime. The list, I mean. Not necessarily the party -- although I'd love to. My going-away party was almost 50. I really hadn't meant to write more tonight. I'm in for the duration. Contacts are OUT! Ice cream is about to come out of the congelador. I'm listening to "Oh boy, Oh boy" Las Vegas!

1:21

SHIT! I'm writing a letter to John Zerfas asking when we're going to go to Las Vegas again. I wrote that I'm stoned and was about to write that I'm home alone, stoned, writing on a Friday night. Now John would definitely be one to go out instead of staying in. So I'm thinking, "Shit. Should I have gone out?" No! You're fine! Baby!

1:25

Still haven't touched the ice cream. Willpower. No... Nougat flavor. Yech. I crack myself up.

1:29

Okay, so I won't touch the ice cream, but what I do have is pound cake-type baked good. With some milk. Yumm. Paul's surprise birthday party is starting.

1:34

I'm sitting here thinking about making the Spaulding Gray-type movie. Trying to get funding. Having someone say they want to produce my script. I say, "No! It's mine! I have to do it." I'm really getting tired now. Pound cake!

1:40

I rarely have a "tall" glass of milk. But now I'm having one. I was in the kitchen doing some more "acting." Trying to explain all the details of this experience. And having people say, "Yeah, but wasn't that obvious?" or, "Well, was it pound cake or not? What's this pound cake-type baked good? Isn't it just Spanish pound cake?" And I'm getting all defensive.

1:44

Just as I sat down for my pound cake and tall glass of milk, the music ran out. Shit! Had to get up and put on "Songs for Europe" again. I don't know why I had stopped it. That made me think of my MSU video project with Roxy Music's "A Song for Europe." That really was pretty nice. Very amateur, but a nice idea. And "A Second Chance," our Twilight Zone episode with Char STARon and Matt! Hee, hee, hee! I have to write that down and send it to Matt.

1:52

That pound cake and milk was so good. I want some more! It's really windy. A so refreshing cool breeze. It rained a bit this afternoon. After this past heat. Uf. It's been so hot.

2:16

Just finished the letter to John. It was a good letter. He'll enjoy it. Music's been gone for a while. I'd love to hear "American Pie" right now!! God, that'd be great. Let's see if it's on the radio!

2:18

Nope. No "American Pie." Here's "Major Tom." Flamenco. "Ramalamadingdong" from the bar down the hill. Shit. I should go there! What else? WJOI-type music. Blues guitar! Motown. Hall and Oats. Glen Campbell! Really! "Las Chicas," a current Spanish pop favorite. More flamenco. Piano jazz. Talk show. Flamenco! That was an interesting selection! I'm recording the flamenco. It's really great music. Equivalent to American Blues, I think. An acquired but fervent taste.

2:32

And, yes, I did have another serving of pound cake and milk. And I'm getting into this flamenco music.

2:46

I thought of many things as I was getting ready for bed. But I can't write them all. Too much. Overload. Now they're lost forever.... I'm not quite ready for bed, though. I should write another letter. Or something. Annelies reminds me of Suzanne.

3:14

Rollerblade, I was watching. After an extremely slow French movie with no dialog. Just airy background music. I didn't have a clue what it was. Starsky and Hutch and a too-goofy-to-be-real "love" movie are the only 2 things left. I miss cable! I'm in Spain. Watching Starsky and Hutch.

5:00 pm

Things are looking suspicious at work. Herbert and Bernardo met today, but there's another meeting tomorrow. Herbert told me that they're thinking of moving. Rent's too much. He also talked about getting paid immediately for each wedding. Great. But what about the rest? I get the feeling they're going to keep telling me to "sit tight." I'll tell them I need the money by Monday to pay the rent. Otherwise, I'll walk. I'll tell them that I'll come back when I'm paid. I think that's fair. It's still too hot to do anything. So I'm wasting time. I don't like that. Especially alone. I tried calling Maria Jose today. I left Kasia's number at home, so I didn't call her. Not that we could play tennis in this heat, but we could do something. With Tomas!

1:15 am

I had a good time at Bolivia. I have to revel in these small achievements. You see, I was so tempted to not go. Even after I got washed up and dressed. But I thought I should get out. Luckily, I ran into Pinky and James -- because I didn't know anyone else there. So I stayed an hour. James even paid for my beer. Perfect. I wonder if school starts today in BH. Strange not being part of it. But then again, not really. I don't exactly wish I were there working. Just want to be with my friends! I have to sit on the terrace a while to cool off. These walks -- or worse yet, bike rides -- up the hill to my apartment can be terrible. Even in the cool of the evening. I’ve noticed the days getting shorter. I’m told it’s been a cool, rainy summer in Detroit. Sorry to say, but I’m glad! Man, it’s still so hard for me to follow Spanish conversations. When Pinky and James were talking to Irene, I was lost. I need to listen -- to concentrate more.


7:00 pm

It's just too darn hot to do anything today! 42°! So I'm wallowing in the heat in my apartment. It's the terral wind from the Sahara -- so dry! I got paid 20,000 pesetas ($200) today. At least it's something. Next week I'll have to knock on some doors about teaching English. I think classes usually start in October. Actually, I'd like to secure a job for January if that's possible, because I need to go home in November. Look at the options first.

11:20 pm

I was re-reading my journal entries from the months preceding my move to Spain. It was great to read the excitement, the anxiety, the life! Sometimes I'm so full of life. I got a letter from Ann Heler today. She congratulated me on my "bold move." Yes, it was. But perhaps my boldness is wearing off. Am I doing things half-hearted like always? You know, half-in, half-out of the closet. The gay/lesbian groups I've belonged to. My family. My job. My relationships! I never seem to give myself 100%. Why is that? What's holding me back? What am I so afraid of? Rejection? By whom? Who am I trying to please? Anyhow! That was such an intense time of my life. So much going on. Oh, and the times with John. Las Vegas. Saugatuck. Brad at Saugatuck! All the emotions. Incredible. So where does that leave me now? Still wallowing in self-doubt. Still feeling pulled to go back "home" -- especially after reading these journal entries. The people I miss. But.... then I read the first few weeks of my time in Spain. And I think, "I can recapture the spirit!" That excitement! The newness. Well, I will go to Bolivia tonight. I hope Tomas is there. Perhaps I should rather go down and visit with Danny, Kiko, Matilde and Anneleis. That would really be reaching out. But I won't. Stuck. How do I get stuck? I was feeling better at work today after a pep talk with Herbert. I told him I was thinking of quitting rather than dealing with all these problems. Bernardo's on vacation. Herbert will meet with him on Thursday. Wait, wait, wait. Herbert wanted me to wait until the end of the month and I told him that my patience had run out. Now I think I'll stick it out until Sept. 15 -- only 3 more weeks. I've been spending a lot of time on my own. Well, not really, when you stop and think about it. I went out Thursday - Saturday -- and late. Whatever. Life goes on. I'm listening to Powaqqatsi. Love it! So -- the plan (at the moment): Work until September 15 or 30. Casually look into teaching English, do a little traveling until the end of October. Possibly work at BHSD until Christmas. In January... well, I haven't gotten that far! Maybe I'll come back to Malaga if teaching English looks good. Otherwise, where? What?

7:00 pm

I'm feeling very "miss-y" and misty-eyed. I'm lonely. I want to "go home." I don't want to stay until November if I can't travel. I can't travel if I don't have money. I won't have money if I don't work. I can't work if I want to travel. Hoo Boy. We're being whiney. I have no desire to go to the beach. It's too hot to ride. So I've been inside all afternoon. Got a letter from Carolee, and mail from Steve. Right now I have $3000 in the bank. Shit. I need to work, don't I? Didn't get paid again. Didn't meet with Bernardo. Same old. Don't know what I'm gonna do. Down. Down. Down. I've got to get out of this house! I'll just get on the bike and go -- somewhere. I could go for a nice Michigan snowstorm right now! Arrgh! I can't believe I said that! But it's true...


8:30 pm

So it was a nice bike ride. Went a little way up the "tetas." And I'm exhausted. But I feel good, too. My back has been hurting again -- but in a different place. Great. I've been being a news-aholic lately. Nine-o-clock Spanish news. ABC News in the morning. But I only buy papers every 3 days or so. Too expensive! I hope I don't have to take $$ from my Visa. The dollar has plummeted. I like when this neighborhood black kitten comes over to play. He got into my apartment in the middle of the night the other night. Scared the hell out of me. I want to write tonight. Stoned.


9:15 pm

So I'm watching what appears to be the weekly bullfight round-up. Actually, there are shows on 2 channels. Reviewing the Ferias of Malaga and Bilbao. Ouch. A picador got thrown but good. Looked like a ragdoll. I think they said he'll be okay. Yow. I'm flipping from the news -- Hurricane Andrew in Miami. Double yow! 42° in Sevilla -- that's 108° F. Only 35° here. And, man, I can't believe what's going on in Sarajevo. Stunned. How can there be such hatred -- between neighbors. Miami isn't the capital of Florida! Y'know, Kiko told me yesterday that he doesn't like the Feria. And not just because of the crowds. He doesn't like people dancing Sevillanas. This is Malaga, not Sevilla! They should be dancing Malaguenas. Well, that's just silly. Besides, there are some people dancing Malaguenas. Malaguenan Pride. Here's an interesting ststistic. 85% of Spanish youth don't disapprove of homosexuality. Surprising. Documentary on pinguinos on the Moroccan channel. In French. Man, they can swim fast!


11:30 pm

Well, Anneleis came over and we watched "El Dorado" and ate popcorn and drank juice. Nice. I had been jammin' with The Smith's. I had thought of going out tonight, but I won't. Save up and go out tomorrow. I have 1000 pesetas to my name! I should call Kasia and arrange a tennis match, but my back hurts again.

2:00 am

This is what I consider a nice night. I had stayed in -- watching the news, reading, writing letters -- until almost 1:00. Then I got dressed and went out to Bolivia/Donde. Saw several people I knew (but not the ones I wanted to see -- Joel or Tomas), then came back home at 2:00. It feels good that I know people, though. Mostly transients, however. Now I'm home listening to Laurie Anderson and eating pound cake. Perfect. I had thought of going to the feria, but decided not to, Too expensive, y'know. I did wander around the day-time feria today. It's really great, just observing. Seeing horses tied to buildings on narrow streets, probably as they were 100 years ago. And the dancing in the streets. I'll have to go again tomorrow. Last day.


11:50 pm

Why do I have such an inferiority complex? I'm so amazed that Joel has taken such an interest in me. Do I think I'm not worthy of his friendship -- just because he's got money, a great job, good looks, friends in high places and an outgoing personality? Maybe he really likes me. Who am I? Sally Fields? Why is it so hard to believe? I have the same complex, of course, with my Spanish. I think it's so bad that no one would be able to stand listening to me. But I do get a lot of encouraging words. Why don't I believe them? Why am I so guarded? Why shouldn't people like me? Or want to hire me? I'm reading another self-help book, "The Road Less Traveled." I do need some therapy. I can examine myself only so far. Now I need another point of view. I did nothing today. Okay, I did go through a Spanish TV production manual. I thought it'd be helpful if another job opportunity comes up. I just watched the fireworks from my terrace. Nice. Why couldn't they have been there last time, so we wouldn't have had to scramble at the last minute! I've slept a lot this weekend. I needed to catch up. The nights have been much cooler lately -- even needed a blanket. But the days are still 95°.

2:30 pm

I feel I should write, write, write. So much to say. But I also feel I should sleep, sleep, sleep. Even though I didn’t get up until 12:30 today. Went to another disco -- Carambuco -- with Joel. I loved the music. A lot of my old college faves -- Talking Heads, the Cure, Dexy’s, Sugarcubes. But there was nobody there. Too bad. It’s a wonderful open-air disco out in the country. Beautiful setting. The Polish girl, Kasia, and 2 Germans and 2 other friends of Joel’s came, too. The German guy, Tomas, is rather attractive. Ay. Another fantasy lover. But he’s tall, short blond hair (I love that), well-built, nice smile. He’s a psychiatrist, 31 years old. Must pursue. I’ve been fantasizing about Joel, too. Gettin’ dangerous. He still talks, talks, talks, about girls, but the way he looks at me ... Aw, I’m gonna drive myself crazy! He’s so nice to me. I saw him at Bolivia Thursday. First thing he said was, “You blew the job of your life!” Seems he had been to Bolivia looking for me Tuesday and Wednesday nights. In fact, he brought the producer from Canal Sur with him! There was an opening for a camera/audio position. Joel said he even came to my apartment complex and called me at work. Couldn’t locate me. So they gave the job to someone else! $1800/month. Oh well. I’m being pretty philosophical about it. It just wasn’t “meant to be.” Maybe something else will come up. Joel’s going to London on Monday -- said he’ll look into what’s available. The BBC does a lot of shooting down here. I’m really feeling like I want to go back anyway. So it just doesn’t matter! I had expected to go out “for a drink” just to see Joel on Thursday. But he invited me to Oh! Marbella!, the exclusive disco in Marbella. Of course, I accepted! There were two other guys going, Kenny -- a Spanish guy, pretty obnoxious -- and a German named Uli. So we went over to Donde to find some girls to come with us. Que guay. Finally, after a 1/2 hour search and several rejections, two girls agreed to come. We had two cars. Joel wanted me to ride with him -- just the two of us. Makes you go, “Hmmm.” When we stopped for gas, I noticed the invitations on the dashboard -- Black and White Party (I was wearing jeans and a pink shirt, hadn’t put cologne or even deodorant on, looking scruffy -- really feeling like I’d fit in in Marbella!), and it said it was for August 18. Never mind that this was August 20. Oh well. I, of course, kept my mouth shut. I just wanted to see what would happen. So we drive the 30 miles to Marbella and arrive at this beautiful setting. At the door, the invitations were refused -- I’m having fun now. Luckily, Joel knew one of the workers. Apparently, he had brought some famous actors and producers there once, so he’s got some clout there. The place was gorgeous. Rather packed. Typical techno music on the dance floor inside. Outside, there was an incredible pool -- often used as a location for commercial shoots, says Joel -- surrounded by tables and chairs and a jazz band on stage. Very nice. There was also access to the beach. This was about 3:30 am when we arrived. We stayed about an hour. The girls danced, Uli danced a bit. I thought it strange that we had spent all that time tracking down these girls and then ignored them! I ordered a beer. Joel had told me it would be expensive, but I didn’t pay for it. Well, she never asked me! I had my 2000 pesetas ready! I’m so glad I didn’t pay. I’m so broke! So anyhow, we left and I was home at 5:00 -- after I had told myself, “2:00 at the latest.” Right. Joel and I did get a chance to talk a little on the drive. I’m becoming more and more attracted to him. He seems to like me, too. But keeps talking about girls. I say nothing on the subject. I think he was a little jealous when Kasia gave me her telephone number. We’re going to play tennis sometime. So when I have nights like these past two, I think, “Wow, I could really like it here.” But I do need to change my job situation. It’s just bringing me down! But the social life’s been bringing me right back up. I’m actually enjoying Donde/Bolivia! Because I’m meeting people. Why is that so hard for me to do? Joel is so good at it! I found out his mother is English, father is French and he was born in Malaga. He also works for a Dutch clothing company called Nomad. Damn interesting guy. Rafa came over last night. I was supposed to meet him and Kiko at Donde, but didn’t see them. Tengo que practicar mi espanol. I haven’t gotten any mail lately. Arrgh. I wonder if Steve has paid my Visa bill. I may need to dip into that account soon. Shit. I don’t want to spend the rest of my savings. But I don’t want to work either! People love my American accent! That’s nice. I haven’t gone back to the Feria. Too bad. It is kind of fun seeing people on horseback occasionally riding down the street or on the beach! Only in Spain. Only during the Feria!

5:10 am

One drink! I swear I went to Bolivia for one drink! Just a re-cap for now. Details to follow.... Joel. Bolivia last two nights. Job -- camera, audio, languages. $1800/month. “Blew the job of a lifetime.” Oh, Marbella. 2:30 am. 18 August. 20 August. Black and white. Pink shirt, no deoderant. Donde looking for girls. 30 miles -- me and Joel. English car. What does he want from me? Why is he so interested in me? So nice to me? Why ask?


12:00 pm

I should get a shirt that says “I got fucked in Spain.” No money yet. Herbert says we’re going to sit down with Bernardo on Monday. I’m really feeling that I may not see the money. I definitely will quit if I do get it. Right now, I have $25.00 to my name. Fucked.

11:00 am

So I’m back at work today. Herbert’s not here yet -- money’s not here yet! At least I do have some work to do. Looking through tapes, finding usable shots for a promo video. I keep telling myself to hang on for another four weeks, but my heart just isn’t in it. I think I can’t hold on anymore. I want to get out. I want to run away. Run home. Be safe. It is and option. And a very good-looking one these days. I wish Steve would send me my mail so I could see how much money I don’t have. So Herbert just called. He’s over at Bernardo’s trying to find out about my money. This’ll be interesting. I’m fed up with nothing working here. Now the Beta machine is down. Along with 2 other dubbing decks, the camera lights, one camcorder’s sound -- the other is still lying in pieces from 30 May. I really see absolutely no future.


11:00 pm

I’m feeling rather thought-less tonight. I don’t have a clue what to write about. Feeling blank. I wonder if I “need” drugs in order to be creative. Seems that way sometimes. I talked with super-cute Fran today. He was on vacation in Galicia and is now going to Ibiza. Ibiza! I thought he was gay! God, he’s cute. Um..... So Herbert never came in this morning. I still don’t have my money. Absolutely ridiculous. Y’know, I’m hoping that something will happen to “force” me to quit. Although I kinda enjoyed playing with ideas for the promo. As long as I have a concrete goal. An idea of what I’m supposed to do. Usually, I don’t have a clue. Went to the beach with Jeannet today. The waves were great! I’ll go to Bolivia tonight to look for Joel. Tomorrow’s Friday already. I wonder if we have a wedding Saturday or next Saturday. I should make an audiotape this weekend. It’s funny how I equate time with TV. It’s 11:20. I should be watching the local news. In the morning, I should be watching “The Today Show.” At 7:30, Jeopardy. I really don’t miss prime time, however. Oh, I just had a thought. No college football! Saturdays won’t be the same.

3:00 pm

Listening to Tracy Chapman gets me down. Naw. Imagine that! I guess it reminds me of the time of life when I first heard it. Makes me think of "back home" and my friends. Yes, I think I'll be ready to go back in November. If not before. I was thinking of the elections. I'd sure love to be there to celebrate a Democratic victory! God, it would make me feel so much better about my country. About the direction in which it's headed. I was thinking more about living with Bob, too. Today I'm feeling that what I need is to be with Bob. I want to write him. Nothing syrupy or morose. Just honest. I stayed home today, because I pinched a nerve in my back and I'm pretty immobilized. Anneleis gave me a massage and that seemed to really help. But I’ve just been lying in bed all day. Sittin’ ‘n’ thinkin’. I had one of those strange chains of thought. I found myself wondering how to spell “Hozlo,” the British/Indian/Finnish guy. Why? Well, I had been thinking of whether or not I had written about him. I want “records” of everyone I’ve met here. I had been thinking of his friend, Reijo, and Barbara. I had thought of the time they stopped by my house on the way back from Aldi with two loaves of fresh, warm bread among their groceries. They had only asked for one, but since they couldn’t resist eating it so warm, they had almost eaten one loaf already and were glad they had another! I had been thinking how good that bread tasted -- because I’m hungry, and I had meant to get some bread at Aldi, but didn’t. Not too many jumps there, but still pretty weird. So I’ve been thinking that I really need to learn to play the guitar. I stayed in last night. First time in a while. I was going to cruise by Bolivia to see if Joel was there with job news, but I was too tired. Rafa came over. I didn’t go out with him and Kiko, either. Nor did I even go downstairs to talk for a while. So, should I “get involved” with Rafa? I’m not really attracted to him, but he is a nice guy. And I could certainly use some sex. It’s been a while. But then I think of Bob and his “dates.” And I get jealous. So I’m reading “Kindergarten” and one story is about eating at small cafes and diners. I think: wouldn’t that be fun? To travel across the USA? Meeting people would be easy -- they all speak the same language! Remember yelling, “Olly-olly-oxen-free!” when it was time to give up the hide and seek game and start over? Why did we say that?

7:00 pm

I wonder if my friends think of me often. I mean, I’m always thinking of Bob, or Matt and Eli, or Alyssa, or John. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to have all my music here. Or to watch ABC News every morning. Makes me think more of “over there.” You know, the more I think about going back, the more excited I get. Why? Running back or charging forward? A little bit of both? This has been a nice day of doing nothing.

8:40 pm
You know, I just got another idea. Maybe I should move to Denver. I have family there. There’s a good-sized gay community. There’s a Latino community for my Spanish. CU at Boulder is close by. The winters aren’t great, but it’s sunnier than Detroit. Another thing to ponder.


9:20 pm
Crazy neighbors. Anneleis told everyone I was sick and my back hurt. Matilde sent Danny up with and analgesic spray. She says it’s the change in the weather. (What change? It's still HOT!) Danny asked if I had a cough or if my lungs hurt. I said no, but he brought me soup anyway and said I shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Really, I just strained a muscle in the tiny shower stall! But it’s nice...

1:45 am

Hellos, good-byes. Good nights, bad nights. Said hello to Jeannet and Bek who are back in town again. Bek was bummed when he found out he just missed Andre. Whom I didn’t get a chance to really say good-bye to. The truck they were going to ride with didn’t go. So they were going to stay. Well, while I was at work, they decided to take the train. It’s okay. I hate emotional, long good-byes. I said good-bye to Yop, too. It was a long, drawn-out good-bye recalling the past, talking of the future, trying to find a pen and paper for addresses. I guess it kept me there long enough to see Bek, though. So it was a “good night” even though I didn’t see Joel. I knew several people there. But they’ll all be gone soon. Sometimes -- usually, now -- Bolivia/Donde are bad nights. I wrote a nice letter to Neil tonight. So many thoughts. Jeannet and I talked about how positive my experience has been, even if it hasn’t been “perfect.” Nine months -- or less, even -- may be long enough.

3:30 pm

Just sittin’ on the terrace -- thinkin’. Wrote some letters. Now I’m contemplative. Still thinking of quitting when I get paid. But I don’t think I will. I mean, I’m still only working 4 hours a day. It leaves me time to sit and think. Or to look for another job. If I quit now, I could probably make it to the end of September on the $700 I should be getting. I could spend another $1000 from savings to stay another month and travel a bit. That would just about deplete my savings, though. Or I could go back Oct. 1st. I wonder if I’d get my $500 back from my security deposit. I could work at BHSD until January, then take ESL and Spanish classes -- in some other city. Or I could come back to Malaga. I’d only want to came back if I had a job lined up. I wouldn’t want to go through all this uncertainty again. And I couldn’t afford it! But more likely, I’d stay in the States. Maybe I’m serious about going back to school in Fall ‘93. Instructional Technology? Spanish? ESL? Maybe something totally new that I haven’t really thought of yet. Something with travel, no? Or Linguistics. I think I could use some counseling. While looking back at my life I realized -- maybe for the first time -- that I didn’t really have a childhood. My mom was sick from the time I was 6 years old. That’s pretty heavy. I never felt really close to my family then. I still have a lot of walls even with my brothers and sisters. And especially w/cousins and aunts and uncles. Why is that? What’s blocking me? Am I really comfortable with my sexuality? Signals say no. Still not out to some people. Haven’t had serious relationships. But is it -- as Neil says -- just society’s view that we should all be in happy, loving relationships? It’s okay to march to a different beat. To develop your life as you see fit. Heck, yeah. I hate the heat during the day here. I’d love to go on a bike ride down the coast, but it’s still too hot. I need to sit on the beach and think. I miss Andre’s “All right, mate.” His pathetic attempt at sounding British. I met a Polish girl in Bolivia the other night. Actually, she lives in Munich now. I love sittin’ and thinkin’. I’ve been occasionally writing letters -- like a short note to Matt telling him how I miss “The Flintstones” -- or reading my journal, or eating something in between writing things down in here. Jolts my mind to all the little anecdotes of Malaga. Maybe I could write. I know, I could go live with Bob while I write my experiences -- maybe even compile my entire 15 years of my journal. That would be amazing. Sometimes I feel antsy. Like I “should be doing something!” Can’t even enjoy an afternoon of sittin’ ‘n’ thinkin’ without some guilt creeping in. Of course, I am doing something. Adjusting myself. Tinkering with the inner knobs and levers. Learning by reading, by writing, by observing. I’ve noticed that I can’t sit long without a million thoughts going through my head: I’d like to pick some almonds off that tree; why do flies like my feet so much; is it true that cicadas come up from the ground and make that awful August buzzing only on the last day of their lives; where are those busloads, but loads, of people coming from and going to; why doesn’t Malaga have -- or enforce -- a noise law -- the motorcycles are terrible!, could this fly be someone I know back on earth in another form -- he seems to be playing with me. All right, so they’re stupid thoughts, but I am doing something! And I’m reading “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.” Simple thoughts. That make you think more complex thoughts. So why am I antsy? Because I “shouldn’t” be alone? Because I “should” ride my bike? One thing I need to keep reminding myself is that I can’t do everything! Oh, but I want to! I feel I need to. Experience it all! I think I’m pretty well-balanced. The Libra in me. I do bits of this and a little of that -- but don’t do a whole lot of anything! Does that sum up my life, or what? I’ve lately been comparing my experience here with college life. My apartment is the size of a dorm room, I never feel like studying or going to work (classes), the social life revolves around drinking, it’s fairly easy to meet people -- superficially, though, “I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life,” blah. blah, woof, woof. It’s 6:00, it’s getting cloudy -- time for a bike ride!


7:30 pm

There are so many things that I still don't know. For example: why do fish occasionally jump out of the water? Is it fun? Are they trying to escape? I know salmon do it while spawning, but that's going upstream in a river. Makes sense. But right in the middle of the sea? I'm sitting seaside at a fairly deserted beach about 10 km. east of my house. A very peaceful evening. Strange that it's cloudy. Makes everything look so different. I could sure go for a good thunderstorm. But I doubt that will happen. It's rained one day in the past (at least) 7 weeks.

2:30 am

Man, I don't know about the future, but the present is pretty damn interesting! I ran into Joel at Bolivia tonight. We talked all night. He says there's a position open at Canal Sur and he'll talk to them about me tomorrow. Wot? Shit! It's that fast-moving train again. But what I hate is being artificial. I feel I have to "play the game" to see what might develop. He's such a materialistic person. Telling me that he pays $2000/month for his house, taking me home on his mother-fucker motorcycle. He asked if I'd be in Bolivia tomorrow night. I really hadn't planned to, but now I will be there, I'm sure. Play the game. Gotta do it. But I hate it!

9:45 pm

Reflections. Topsy-turvy are my feelings. I suppose it’s a result of both being Monday and Andre leaving. It has been a nice 3 weeks with visitors here. But I’ve also missed my “quiet times” like now. Time to reflect. To think. To dream. To explore myself. To listen to “They Might be Giants.” I need to write some letters. Matt told me that Karen’s brother died. How horrible. I couldn’t help thinking of her mother. To have a child die must be the worst thing. I’d rather write than call. Calling’s so emotional. I have to write Neil, too. He’s such a special person. I miss him! His letter really put me more at ease. He talked about fulfilling my dreams and getting yourself right with things before entering a relationship. How true. So I’m not as freaked out.

1:00 pm

It's been great having Andre here. I'll miss him -- again. But it will be nice to have more time on my own again, too. Time for introspection. Friday night, we watched the fireworks opening the Feria from here instead of going downtown. Yesterday, we went to see the processions of horse-drawn carriages, etc. And then saw thousands of people in traditional costumes dancing Sevillanas in the streets of downtown Málaga. An incredible sight. So many people. So hot! Last night we went to the Feria grounds. So big! I didn't realize it had carnival games and rides, hundreds of casetas with bars and bands. And thousands of drunks! Pretty fun, though. I met a guy -- Joel?-- who works for the BBC and lives in Málaga. We talked a lot about video possibilities. Interesting!

3:45 pm

Been having too much fun! Andre, Jeannet and I went to the center last night and happened upon the Alhambra group. So we joined them for a wine and tapas tour. A nice evening. There was even a live Brazilian band at Salsa. I do appreciate having friends here. And in the States. Neil wrote me a great thought-provoking letter. And Matt called me today. I tried to explain 6 weeks of teetering about my future. I'm sure he's overwhelmed and confused. Good! So am I! But really, I've been very up lately. Positive Mental Attitude! I haven't seen Rafa in a while. Wonder what his deal is. No word on being paid yet. Lorenzo told me last night that Joaquin at Alhambra wants to talk to me about potential work. Here we go again! But I have to check it out. Possibilities.

3:50 pm

Well, I decided I'd better do something with these afternoons off, so I'm on a train to Alora. I'm not sure what's there. We'll see. I've been trying to be "introspective" lately. Trying to decide "what I really want." Obviously, I'm still in a state of transition, because what I want changes every day. I got a wonderful letter from Neil. He's so insightful. Told me I have to "pull myself together" before I start a relationship with Bob. Nothing new, of course. Just that it makes sense now. I also know that whatever decision I make, things will be fine. For the first time in a while, I'm thinking maybe I will return to Spain after November. I'm pretty sure my "time" here will not have been up yet, so I should return. I'm more and more excited about teaching English, too. Yes, some people tell me it will be hard to find something, but I have to keep in mind all that I've accomplished already! It was "an impossible dream," but I'm doing it! You can succeed, Mike! You have succeeded! So I'm heading for Alora. I hope I can get a train back before 8:00. I love this spontaneity. Why don't I do it more often? Stupid! I've thought a lot more about needing to be on my own more. It would be easy to run back to (or even call) my friends in Detroit. So who needs ease? Anyhow, I'm supposed to go out with Andre at 8:30. It's been nice having him here. Someone to "force" me to do things. But still... I need my time alone. But now I'm getting out of my rut. So much potential all around me. I'm going on an incredible journey. Into myself! Finding out about me! So many new discoveries waiting to occur. Teaching English. It would give me flexibility. I could do it anywhere in the world! And usually there are summers off to travel or visit friends and family. Makin' some sense now. I guess this is my current "thing." Let's see if I stick with it. I could pursue a certificate here in Spain. Or I could try without one for a while. Hell. I complain that I can't travel now. I don't have the time or the money. Fuck that noise! Of course I do. Make it work. So you eat bread for the next week. Spending the weekend traveling is worth it, ¿no? This Transitions book talks about un-learning things. That's so hard. To realize that there are other ways to do things. Other lives to live. Be reborn. Be a new you.

10:20 am

Yesterday was another see-saw day. So what's new? I came in to work and was bored, bored, bored. I started figuring money. Let's see. If I quit on Saturday when I get paid, or if I quit on September 15th.... Of course, if I quit, I'll be broke! Bottom line. I swear, I make a final decision to stick with it until November and then I go ahead and think about leaving sooner. Arrgh! Then I was re-reading Transitions. It's a very helpful book. It's nice to read it now, in another stage of transition. It calmed me a bit. Reminded me to enjoy the ride. And also that I'm not unique in my feelings. And what do I have to bitch about? Working 4 hours a day -- and reading a book most of that time! Herbert still says I'll be paid in full. Vamos a ver. Andre and his friend, Jeannet, came yesterday. It's so nice to see him. Yes, Mike, you do have friends! So then I was feeling pretty good. I got a postcard from Alyssa today. It would be great if she were here, but I can't see it working out that way. Jenny, too. Actually, I tried calling Jenny yesterday. Then I was glad I didn't get through. I need to stop whining to my friends. To myself, too. I just need to "pull myself together" while I'm here in Spain. And return to the U.S. a new, well-adjusted man.

1:15 am

I do need these evenings alone. To reflect. I've been recalling the endings and new chapters of my life. Getting a bit emotional at times. I hate leaving my friends. But I've done it several times. After graduating from MSU. Going to Port Huron. Going to Spain. Why? Just work/opportunity? Or something more? What more? Maybe I should analyze more. I should see a therapist. Yes. I really should. I have a lot of unresolved emotions. I don't like my looks. I don't feel I'm very outgoing -- that people wouldn't want to be friends with me. Why do I think that? I have so many close friends. People like to be my friends. Why doesn't that sink in? What is it that I think I have to offer in a friendship? Or in a relationship? Something I don't have? ¡Que va! Okay, why do I hate my job? Because I'm afraid of failure. I don't trust my talents. I think that's it. Bottom line. The other reasons are fluff. Y'know, I had been thinking about the times in my life when I would pray to my mother to watch over me. I've never really "talked" to my father since he died. I should make a tape. Or I should just do it! Why do I feel I have to record everything? I feel the need to release my emotions. They're always so bottled up. Control. I try to stay in control all the time. That's why I like getting high. I lose that inhibition to control myself. Why can't I lose it whenever I want to? I can't go to work tomorrow. I have to get my life together!

10:30 pm

I wanted to relate Friday night's activities. Gitta and I went out to dinner then met María José and some other friends at Casa del Conde. Then we went out to Bar Salsa for a while and danced. It was nice to see María José again. And going out with Gitta is always fun. Unfortunately, she drank a bit too much and got sick on the taxi ride home. We had to stop on the beach half-way home. We stayed there about an hour. She'd get sick, then sleep, then repeat. She kept telling me to go on and leave her. That she would be fine. Right! Passed out on the beach with her purse and all. I just sat tight. Finally, I got a taxi and we made it back to the campground this time. But just barely. How funny. Reminded me of Carnaval in Cádiz, of course. Andre and I getting sick and walking back to the car. Today I went on quite a long bike ride. It was so nice. I went east, past Rincón de la Victoria along the beach. A much less congested stretch of road than the 340 towards Torremolinos. And there was a decent breeze, so it wasn't too hot. Finally, after about 20 km, I saw a sign for Playa Naturalista. I thought it meant Nature Beach. It was a nude beach! Well, of course I stayed. Pretty interesting. But an awful lot of old naked men. There were a few families and couples, too. Both nude and un-nude. I was un-nude! I had planned to go swimming naked, but before I got the nerve, the waves got real big, so I didn't go in. Actually, I'd have loved to, but no one else was going in then, so I didn't either. I'll have to go back some time. The ride back was hell! A helluva head wind. But I survived. I really need to ride more out into the campo. Or just out to clean beaches! I started thinking that I should travel on my bike for a week around Andalucía. Those are the kinds of things I wanted to do! Fuck this work shit. I'm glad I went. I really needed that lift of doing something different. Of traveling! Andre arrives tomorrow. Another adventure beginning. Alyssa's friend, Karen, is supposed to be in Fuengirola starting Wednesday, but I don't know where exactly. I wonder what Dan Quayle will say about the presence of torch-bearing demons in the Closing Ceremonies of the Olympics. Against family values, I'd say! I'm reading the book Transitions again. I think it'd be good to read now -- 6 months later. Where am I in my transition?

// Now this is interesting. The athletes are staging a revolution. They've invaded the stage and are acting like hooligans. Ouch. Big black eye, folks. They're climbing up the sides, jumping up and down. I doubt the stage was built for this. Absolute disaster waiting to happen. How many people have died in stadium/stage collapses? And the world's best athletes? This is really scary.

11:50 pm

What a strange thing! Hearing the National Anthem after the basketball game instead of before. "El Dream Team" won the Olympic gold. Everyone wants to be part of the excitement. Take pictures. The coverage on NBC must be incredible! If the rest of the world is so thrilled by this team, what is the American reaction? It's probably like a national holiday there. Then again, maybe it's bigger here because of the Olympics being here and the novelty of the quality of the basketball played by these magicians. And Magic is the big story over here, too. But now the victory ceremonies are over and we're back to the studios of TVE2 with an interview of the Spanish gold-medalist in the 1500m. I doubt NBC has that! They're probably spending another hour on post-game stuff. Kinda like the NBA finals. And it is live there -- only 5:50 pm. Perfect timing. NBC must have arranged the finals time. I must admit that TVE2 must have more complete coverage than NBC. It's been 24 hours a day of Olympic coverage for 15 days. That's pretty darn amazing! I came home at 4:30 am, turned on the TV and watched a replay of the table tennis finals. Betcha NBC didn't have that, either! It's been a great media experience watching the Olympics from a Spanish point of view. "The Home Team." In two senses: the host country and the local country. Like L.A. in '84. But it's funny that I wasn't in the U.S. for those Olympics. I was in London! What an incredible spectacle it has been. God, I'm so glad I bought this TV! I've really watched a lot of these games. I'm going to miss it! (I can't believe they're still interviewing this runner -- too long!) I like the way they cut from whatever event is happening to coverage of the victory ceremonies of the Spanish medalists. And they have been pretty amazing with their gold medals. When I felt it was getting too Iberian, I flipped over to the Moroccan channel to watch their coverage. It was mostly the same feed without the Spanish bent. And they didn't talk so much. But when they did, it sounded funny! It's a strange station. Right now, they have an orchestra of white-robed fez-heads playing Arabic music. I mean, you don't see this in the U.S. Not even on public access. Okay, you'd see similar stuff on channel 62 sometimes! Arab Voice of Detroit. That's what it's like! Surreal. Anyway, they usually speak in Arabic, but occasionally it's French. One commercial will be one language, the next will be the other. And, Oh-My-God!, the production quality! I've caught a couple of soap operas. The lighting, the sets, the acting! Horrible! There's a job for me! Improving production quality of Third World television programming! Can you believe I'm still watching this Arabic music program? I have the headphones on, so I can hear it very well and I can walk around the room. No! It can't be! It's a Moroccan youth chorus singing, in English, or something vaguely similar, "The Answer is Blowing in the Wind." With full orchestra -- okay, strings. But this band is fez-less. Okay, now they're singing some French song. I don't think I can stand much more of this. So now I've turned back to the late-night re-cap of today's Olympic events. Watching the Americans' World Record 4 x 400 meters. And the javelin and Women's High Jump finals. Now it's an interview with the mayor of Barcelona. Bien. I can watch a bit of the Malagueñas '92 festival on Canal Málaga. Basically, a public access-type local channel. They often have interview shows -- with those same public access plastic plants! -- and badly-lit terrible acoustical local music presentations. She's really getting into this song. I do like the emotion of Spanish traditional music. This reminds me of the journal we had to keep on British media when I was in London for Mass Media study. I should've gotten high and written it. Would've been more insightful, I'm sure. I could write a lot about Spanish media. But it's so tiring to write so much. I wish I had a computer. I'm thinking about how much I'd like to write about. I haven't even written about last night yet! But it's time to take a break. I do need to write more. But I need to get high to do that. No wonder so many writers are drunks! Okay, I can't stop yet. I'm watching a lesbian sex scene on Canal Sur. I mean, totally naked and graphic. I must say I even find it a bit erotic. But what the hell is this doing here? And are they going to give equal time to the men? Oh, here's a hetero scene. And the guy's not even very attractive. Now, Canal Sur, Andalucía's regional station, usually shows more cultural programs. Lots of music. From 7 - 10 every morning, they have "Tele-Expo." a tri-lingual Expo infomercial giving info on the day's events. Interviews, entertainment, weather from Expo. During the evenings, there are occasional bullfights or Sevillanas. But no, tonight it's a goofy 70s sex movie! Now there's a black woman in a gold lamé bikini rubbing her crotch as she watches the hetero couple roll around and have sex on the lawn. STOP!

// 125,000 people were at Camp Nou for the Olympic soccer final tonight. An incredible game. And won by the home team with a final seconds goal. Amazing. I'm watching another Olympic highlights show on another station. A privatized national channel -- Antennae 3. There's a recap of The Dream Team's presence here in Spain. Incredible publicity. Magic did some appearance "for the kids" at a Barcelona Toys R Us. Weird. But it was a top story on the evening news. Wow. Spain has 13 gold medals. Great. Here's a replay of the archer (from Málaga) who shot the Olympic fire up to the torch at the Opening Ceremonies. And wasn't Prince Felipe so cute carrying the flag? Okay, back to "Playboy Tonight" on Tele-Cinco -- another privatized station. It's a nude beach photo session, This playmate is the daughter of a playmate from 1960. I think they're showing "Cruising" now. I don't think I'll like this. But I'll watch it.

5:40 pm

Boing. Down again. And I had even been mildly up yesterday. Didn't have to work in the afternoon, so I went to Torreblanca. Went to the beach -- the water is so clean there, and the beach is less crowded. Even managed to scope out a couple of guys. Then I visited Dave and Gitta in Torreblanca. It was busy and very hot, but nice. I met this guy, John, who works props for films here in Spain. We had a nice talk about politics and music and such. I need friends like that. God, I should move down the coast. I think I'd be happier. After running to catch the last train -- like always -- I ended up back home at 12:30 am and I showered and ate. Then Annelies came by for a visit. I was 1 1/2 hour late meeting Gitta at Bolivia, but we sat and talked and talked. Then we went to Donde and danced and danced. I'm so glad I wore my shorts! I guess I was pretty drunk by the time I got home at 4:00 am.

I almost didn't make it into work today, but I managed. But that's when it started. God, I hate my job. I want something where I don't have to think! And it's so damn hot! So I started thinking again about quitting and finding something else. (Sounds easy!) And thinking about Bob. The part that got me really down was when he said he's been dating a few guys. I really didn't need to hear that right now. It really sent my emotions into a tailspin. Once again, I wonder what the hell I'm doing here. Unstable emotions. You know, I've been thinking -- again -- of writing Dad's story. Or Maude's story. I told Gitta the story of Maude and my travels last night. Got me excited again about that. About travel. About feeling alive!!

12:50 am

The yellow half-moon hangs over the city like a Lucky Charm. I took a walk down to the beach and sat on the rocks watching and listening to the waves crashing in. Didn't want to go out tonight. Gitta's in Marbella anyway. Actually, I had planned to take a bike ride, but I got to watching the Olympics and "Some Like it Hot." I swear I won't watch as much TV after the Olympics! I've been studying Spanish a little bit. And I've been doing push-ups and sit-ups. I feel a need to improve myself. So much potential, Mike. Don't forget that! So much to do yet. Don't give up. Don't be discouraged. Fortune favors the bold!

12:30 am

I just had the greatest stoned experience. I guess María's weed is pretty good after all. I was listening to They Might Be Giants' "Apollo 18" CD with the headphones on. Sitting in the cool breeze on the terrace, dancing around the apartment with the lights off and only boxer shorts on. I was really getting into the music. Funny stuff! I don't know why I hadn't really listened to it before. So, on comes this song "Fingertips." Could be the ultimate stoned song. I have to make a tape for Matt and Eli and include this song on it. Maybe I could incorporate all the zany lines from it into a letter. Then when they listen to the song, they'll really be freaked. "What's that blue thing doing here?"

The other day on the beach, I was thinking of a toast for their wedding reception. Thinking of including our discussions on "being alone in life" on the drive back from Kim and Todd's wedding. And something about the relationship between friendship and love. Shit, I forget the words I had thought of. It was really good! Made me cry on the beach! I've got to get myself out the door to Donde/Bolivia.

12:15 am

A very pensive day. Didn't accomplish much at work. Still feeling very unsure of the situation there. Pedro and Carmen came in with the video they wanted altered. It wasn't so bad. Only a few minor changes. Paco came in to get his money and we complained about the company. I saw the Dutch guy at Aldi today. But I didn't call to him. I don't know his name, remember?? I thought he and Gitta were coming over tonight, but they didn't. Now I need to go to Donde and hope he's there. I visited Kiko and Danny downstairs a bit tonight. Got a bit high with the guys. Kiko says I need to get a boyfriend. I have the feeling that Rafa's ready. Why am I not? Always pursuing the impossible dream rather than looking what's in front of me. Story of my life, ¿no? Roller-coaster emotions day. And hot, hot, hot! I wrote to Antonio in Barcelona. I hope he responds. I've been reading Time magazine and USA Today. Maybe I shouldn't. Makes me yearn for the USA. Bueno, I'm going out for a while. I was going to wear shorts, but I should probably wear jeans. Don't like that.


10:30 pm

I never did see my "fantasy lover" again last night. He wasn't at the bar. Gitta said he was leaving early in the morning. She had gone out to dinner with Christiana. Too bad he didn't find out where I lived and come up by himself. Would've been nice. I went to Bolivia for a few minutes only. Too damn hot. I didn't have to work this afternoon again. I like these short days. And Herbert says I'll still be paid, but I have my doubts. I had a nice talk with Gitta. She's so nice to talk to. We talked about the uncertainty of the future, disappointment with the present, living for yourself and not trying to live up to expectations. She said if I feel like going back to Detroit in November, I should go! Don't worry about outside forces. I've been getting away from "Just Do It." Carpe Diem.

10:50 am

So here I am at work again with nothing to do. Pretty stupid. I could be sleeping! We stayed out until 3:30 last night. I still don't know this Dutch guy's name. But I talked to him quite a bit last night. Now I think, hmmm, maybe he is gay. I invited him and Gitta over for drinks tonight. But he's leaving tomorrow! Gotta make a move tonight! But I probably won't. Whine, whine. Why not? What do I have to lose? It's not like I'll see him again. Gotta be bold! He really is too cute! Rafa came over last night, too. Gitta, he and I talked on the terrace. Then Gitta went to the bar and we stayed and talked a bit. I don't know why I'm resisting getting involved with him. I like him too much for it to just be sex, but not enough for it to be more! So we'll remain friends! Friends. Yeah! Gotta have 'em. There was a great Brazilian -- I think -- band at Donde last night. I love watching live music. I wish I played an instrument. Do it!

9:40 pm

I had a very nice time last night. I sat here reading and had a couple of beers and smoked a little. Then, of course, I didn't feel like going out. But I finally dragged myself to Donde at 1:00 am, where I found Annelies and Gitta. Annelies and I danced like crazy. It was fun to let loose and be silly. And we were silly. Dancing like drunks. I met this Dutch guy who's staying at the camping with Gitta. He's really nice -- and cute! We talked all night. He and Gitta and I went downtown, but there was absolutely nothing going on, so we came back to Donde until 6:00. I have a good time when I meet people there, but I find that difficult. Anyway, this guy -- I don't know his name! -- is traveling around Spain for a month. He'll be working in Barcelona next year, so I'll have to keep in touch. But why can't he be gay? And interested in me? I've been feeling good about "things" lately. About my life here. About letting the future take care of itself. I had gotten away from the "Carpe Diem" philosophy. I need to remind myself of my first several months here. What great things have happened. And will happen in the future.

11:30 am

August already! I had an "okay" time going out with Gitta last night. Didn't meet any new people, but it was nice just to talk with her. It's great to gossip with her! I miss that! Like what's the deal with cute Fran and his even cuter (British?) friend? And I told her about Rafa. Haven't run into him since last Friday. There's a bit of a breeze today. Great. It was so hot yesterday -- even at night. I had wanted to go downtown, but we never made it. Maybe tonight. No wedding today. I'm free until Monday. Actually, I was free a lot this week. No work! It wouldn't be so bad having the afternoons off -- if I knew I was getting paid. We still haven't been paid for the weddings. I have very little faith in this company. And Alyssa just wrote me all excited about selling all her possessions and moving here to work with me. I'd better call her soon -- and burst her bubble! Jenny, too. God, I really wanted it to work out. We could've turned this town upside down! So anyway, work has me very worried. I need at least $700/month! A ver. I talked to Andre. He's coming to Málaga for a week. Unfortunately, I don't really have room for him and his friend.