2:30 pm

So here I am at this particular point in my life. Soaking up the beautiful sunshine on my terrace, listening to some great music on Radio Tres Pop. I feel a need to go on a big CD shopping spree upon my return! I don't feel so good today, so I'm treating myself to an entire day on the terrace. Maybe I'll take a bike ride later, and visit Gitta in Torreblanca this evening. Time to start saying my good-byes. Last night I went out just for a short time. Didn't see Joel or Jeannet as I had hoped. I was happy to get home yesterday. The highlight of Évora was the Chapel of Bones in the church of San Francisco. Made from 5000 bones and skulls of monks. And there was also a decaying monk corpse hanging on the wall. The sign over the entrance says it all: "We bones that are here await yours." Great stuff! Those crazy Catholics!

3:30 pm

Forgot to mention: I called "the gang" at Matt and Elizabeth's shower from Faro last Saturday. It was great to talk to them. They were so stoned! Karen could barely even talk. Elizabeth was gushing with "We love you"s. Matt gave me directions to Sylvester and Louie's in Lisboa -- and I did find Louie. I knew it was his grocery store when I saw 4 or 5 guys standing around drinking inside! I don't know if he really remembered Matt or if he just said so. Doesn't matter. He offered me a drink and some cashews. An English woman there was able to translate a bit for me. Helpful.

8:50 pm

I've always had to write when I'm high because the thoughts that I have are so precious that I don't want them to get away. And I wish I could write faster -- shorthand! -- so I could record everything. I lose a lot of offshoot thoughts that are rocketing through my head while I'm struggling to write the original thought. Yes! Exactly! Like Right Now! My hand is falling off by going so fast, but the thoughts are overtaking it, leaving it fallen down in the dirt. How poetic. I'm listening to Juan Luis Guerra, writing, singing, dancing, thinking, learning. Thinking great thoughts about a big party with all of my friends from around the world. Everyone I know together. Reminiscing about all those times we've had. Wow. Does this mean I'm going to die?? My life is flashing before my eyes! Wow! I must be dead now. Well, that's just great.

8:58 PM
Wow. I miss getting stoned with my friends! Is that why I want to go back to Michigan? Just so I can get stoned with my friends? Hmmm. It is a pretty sound defense. Nuthin' wrong with that! Although I do enjoy getting stoned alone so I have time to record the thoughts. I wonder if De next door could hear me singing salsa earlier? A couple of weeks ago she told me she heard me singing in my apartment the previous Friday night. How embarrassing! How loud was I for God's sake? These are thick walls here. She must have heard me again tonight! I'm thinking of watching the "Masters of the Universe" movie, in Spanish of course, on TV right now.

9:06 PM
Oh man! Now I've been thinking of writing a TV script starring my friends -- stoned. It would be great! Well, I suppose the major networks wouldn't carry the program, but I could write it for a home entertainment video series. But, damn it, I lost the original thought again! I was at a welcome-back party telling them about my writing when stoned in Spain. I show them the journal I'm writing right now, saying that it has all my thoughts on life and on my life when I'm stoned. They look like, "Wow. That's really great. Look at the size of this. It's all the thoughts about your life when you're stoned..... Let's look at it!" It'd be Karen looking at it. Oh, this is all looping inside itself -- "like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel, never ending or beginning, on an ever-spinning reel." But there were even 4 or 5 thoughts within writing that sentence that were missed! Rocketing in my head again!

9:16 PM
Oh shit! And then I pass out copies of my "stories in Spain" while they're high and they read it and are dying! "It's a hit," I say to myself. Zoom in to an extreme close-up. It's the screenplay popping in again! Yes, I could do it! But I'd have to be high to write it! All the time! I'd have to be high to write. Tough life! I'm sure it's what many musicians and writers do or have done. Look at Hemmingway and his drinking. That's it! I'm a modern-day Hemmingway. Coming to Spain to write -- 60 years later.

9:24 PM
Now I'm listening once again to Juan Luis Guerra. "Ojalá que Llueve Café en el Campo" was the song. I was imagining a music video for it and then imagining me and my friends -- you know, the ones from around the world -- at this big party dancing and singing to "Tu Boca." Great fun! It all goes into the movie. The movie is in addition to the TV series. Two separate entities. Which first?

9:31 PM
Again! When

9:37 PM
Oh! major interruption! Annelies just came over. We talked about my leaving. How much stuff I have and that maybe she and Frank could take me to the airport. That would be nice! She's a good friend! I really think I'll come back here! I had been very neutral on my feelings the past weeks, but now it's leaning towards Málaga a little more heavily! So, of course, I lost that thought from 9:31! It was a good one, too. Another episode!

9:42 PM
Name for a salsa bar -- or band. "Dis Paradise."

9:44 PM
I just realized that Annelies is going over to Frank's awfully late. He has to work tomorrow! For sure, he'll be in bed. All this is going on while I'm making and eating tea and pound cake.

9:46 PM
Another thing! I was thinking how "tea and pound cake parties" could be the rage after the movie comes out. You know, cult-like, Twin Peaky stuff. Getting stoned, drinking tea and eating pound cake. They'd write about it in the underground social pages. Newspapers like "The Midnight Express!" Well, I think it's funny!

9:54 PM
I've got to memorize these words to "Tu Boca." I love it! What poetry!

10:04 PM
Now I'm thinking... I hope De doesn't hear the squeaking of my rocking chair and think it's the bedsprings. Don't want her to get the wrong idea! It certainly is interesting to see what I feel is important enough to stop what I'm doing and run to this journal to write down. I've been jamming to Juan Luis Guerra again.

10:11 PM
Teaching "Anti-Paranoia While High" classes. Dancing to "Ojalá..." Staying focused. Just enjoying the feelings of the song. Not thinking about how silly you might look to everyone else. It's another episode. "The gang" takes an encounter class together, a la Bob Newhart. Shit! There's Karen again, "What are you trying to say? That we're all paranoid or something?" Looking to someone else for support, "Is that what he's trying to say?" and getting a shrug from Richard. Expand on this sometime!

10:38 PM
I was thinking I need to call Matt tomorrow and tell him he'll be married in two weeks! Think he knows? I'm tired already. I was already lying in bed listening to "Tu Boca" trying to memorize it and trying to remember how to dance Salsa. Sevillanas, too! So much to learn in life!

10:44 PM
I wish I could hang from my feet right now. That would be helpful, I think. My body aches. Oh, I'm so old! Wow! Just realized that me, Jenny and Richard are the only single ones left. Karen, Matt, Elizabeth, Kim, Stu, Di, Linda and Julia. All married! Wow! Yeah, but I'm in Spain!

10:50 PM
Changed the music. Couldn't listen to that song over and over again. Now it's Louis and Ella -- a surprise selection over the venerable favorite, "Strange Angels."

11:11 PM
So I'm listening to Ella and Louis. And I'm concentrating on just the backing harmonies instead of the lead vocals. It's really incredible.

11:25 PM
I think I'm heading for bed now.

8:00 pm

My emotions change with the weather. Hell, my future changes with the weather! When it's nice, I think, "How can I leave Málaga?" and when it's shitty, I think, "Why bother?" I'm in Porto with shitty weather. We drove here from Lisbon hoping it would be better, but it's not. It's also a very frustrating city to drive in. There are very few traffic lights. Just kind of a free for all with cars and pedestrians. And, of course, the streets aren't identified. Not that we could make out the names on the map we got from the tourist office. All in all, not worth the trip north. We're thinking of possibly returning Saturday, due to low funds. That would be fine by me.

I really haven't been leaning in any direction regarding the future. I have been fantasizing about winning the lottery and/or falling in love. Actually, I'm seriously considering pursuing a teaching certificate so I can teach in an overseas school. It'd be better money than just teaching English. And I have to think of things like insurance. So maybe I'll stay in Detroit to take classes. God, who knows? I've also been fretting about living and transportation arrangements. Buy a car? Pretty stupid if I'm staying only 2 months. Same with renting an apartment. But I don't want to be dependent on people either. In some ways life is harder in Málaga, in other ways it's so much easier. The freedom would be awfully hard to give up. The rigidity of the U.S. I don't know if I'm ready to go back to that. But the bourgeois, rather than bohemian, lifestyle has it's appeal. I just want it all. Is that too much to ask for?


9:15 pm

So I've come down to my last week in Spain. Spain! I still can't believe I've been in Spain for the past 9 months! And I can't believe all the wonderful friendships I've developed here. From the very start with Dave and Gitta, through Andre, Steffi, Jeannet, Gitta, Barbara, Frank, Annelies, Alton, Joel, Elisabeth. There are so many people who've touched my life. Wonderful friends. It's truly been a dream come true! But it's not a dream! It's reality. I can make what I want of my life. I just have to decide what it is that I want! Sunshine and warmth. Good friends. Security of money. That's all!

7:35 pm

Thought! "I Know.. A Man is Wrong" by David Byrne for a video for Matt and Eli. Ya see, I was going to get stoned and try to write a toast for Matt and Eli's wedding. I thought it'd be good for regression through our friendship, choosing just the right words for those special moments we've all had together. The 1216 Michigan Avenue stories. I have to include when we met -- over a 6E Holden Quiz Bowl competition. Shit. I was just thinking how great it would be to get my journal from then and read it. But I don't have "The College Years" here in Spain with me. I'll look through it from June 1985 on. That's what I have here. I'll have to wait until I get back to Detroit to write about the very beginning. (To finish a previous thought: "Ya see, I was going to get stoned and write a toast for Matt and Eli's wedding," and instead I decided to listen to some music. But the music I put on -- David Byrne's "Rei Momo" -- made me think of Matt and Eli. Which kinda brings this full circle.)

I must also add that I'm cooking so I'm constantly being interrupted by running to the kitchen. This may answer my question as to whether or not I could stay on one thought long enough when high to write a book or screenplay. I seem to think It'd come out better, but I think tonight is proving that it's impossible. I can't even write a toast for Matt and Eli's wedding! Too many other thoughts get in the way. I'm analyzing being stoned again, aren't I? I suppose so. It is pretty interesting. But how to interpret it? Very difficult.

I can't believe how stoned I am. I don't even know what's going on. I just know it's fun. I was just in the kitchen fixing to eat the pasta and tomato sauce with meat balls -- which I just ate a few hours ago. I thought, "Why am I eating this? I should be writing Matt and Eli's toast." Absolutely no focus. Maybe I overdid it.

Now I had to get up and change the music when it stopped. So many stimuli!

Oh, here's another thought. Forgot to mention that there was a thief in Annelies' bathroom tonight! I'll have to expand on that later! Meanwhile, I'm eating and changing the music. And the damn tape player has that annoying buzz! Life in Spain. It's funny here!

8:09 pm

Now I'm thinking whether or not I should go out tonight. Not! Right now I think I won't. I'd have to shave, take a shower, put in contacts. But it's so early yet. And I would like to talk to Joel. I should have called him today. I'm sure I'll change my mind a few times in the next several hours. Just like deciding my future. Back and forth, back and forth. Today, I was thinking, "Yes, I would like to come back to Málaga. Or at least Spain." But who the hell knows? There will be hundreds of influencing factors over the next few months. Where will I end up? Anyway, now I'm going back to Matt and Eli's toast. I'm going to read through my journal looking for tidbits. Oh, maybe I should mention this very thing! Looking back through the years through my written thoughts.

So I haven't read through the journal yet, but I have been writing some ideas on a toast. But I'm also getting very emotional. I probably couldn't say it at the reception without losing it.

8:30 pm

Shit. Now I was just washing dishes, going to the bathroom and dancing to Zouk music. When am I going to get back to Matt and Elizabeth's toast?

8:45 pm

I wish I had written more about Kim and Todd's wedding in my journal. I wrote nothing! All those great experiences with the truck driving off with the beer keg in the back, still dispensing. Playing cards on an incredible stormy night in a big old bed and breakfast. Matt, Elizabeth and I sleeping together -- a la Three Stooges. We also drove back home together. We talked a lot about not being in relationships. And how that was okay.

9:00

Man! I've been reading and writing about Matt and Eli. Now I've just arrived at... MEXICO! God, we've had some great times together! I hope I can express this in voice, print and video!

9:07

So now I've changed music again. "It's My Life" by Talk Talk made me want to include the opening line into the wedding video. Isn't this where we came in -- at 7:35? I've just been thinking how fun it will be to put together Matt and Eli's video. I just wish I had more time. And I'll be busy at work, so I won't be able to stick around late and edit. I'm listening to "Fun Tape #1" -- circa 1985. Very fitting for tonight's topic. Now I have to listen to every song I know and pick out lines to insert into Matt and Eli's video. It's part of the "script" I'm writing tonight. Between writing this -- and all the other shit I find myself doing -- I'm writing down ideas for a toast and video in another part of this journal. (I'm still really stoned!) I probably shouldn't be drinking, either. I have to be in a car all day tomorrow! Shit! I'm going to Portugal with 3 Frenchies tomorrow! I won't speak English -- NO ENGLISH -- for an entire week! Just Spanish and bits of Portuguese. Perhaps the only French I know, too. Bits and pieces. But NO English! Man, I hope it's okay. I'm pretty hesitant, but my attitude these days says, "Get back in there, boy!" So, I go for it! I do things so different from my life back in Detroit. Wow! I'm excited again! Wake up every morning and say, "Hey, I'm in Spain!" All experiences are positive, because even negative experiences result in great stories to tell! Mike and the Frogs do Portugal! Hoo boy!

9:30 pm

MAN! I'm stoned! I hope I can put this Matt and Eli stuff together. It was a lovely day today -- sunny and 82°. Sunbathed mostly. About 6:00 pm I was on my terrace and I heard Annelies shout, "Mike, come! There's a robber! A robber in the bathroom!!" I couldn't really grasp it all, but I grabbed my keys and ran down the stairs and around the corner -- in barefeet -- to Annelies' house. She was stammering that there was a man in the bathroom -- she didn't want to open the door. She couldn't defend herself, because she's been recovering from a motor scooter accident and can't use her left foot. So I go in -- to the bathroom door and throw it open while jumping back to a safer distance. The bathroom was empty -- the curtains blowing in the open window. I rushed to look out the window, but saw no one down the narrow, winding steps outside her window. He had retreated at the onset of her screams and was probably long gone by now. What had really confused me at first is that I thought she said "rubber." A rubber in the bathroom. Weird life here.

9:46

Here's something interesting in the struggle between staying in Detroit and going elsewhere once again.... Look at my journal in the first 14 years. And then look at the past 9 months. How many times I was down in those past years. But... How many times was I down in the past months? I really am happy almost all the time here. Life really is a lot more carefree! Frolicking! I'm a frolicking otter! I was just doing one of those Irish jig performance pieces that I sometimes do while stoned. This one was to "Free Nelson Mandela."

10:07

How long was it since I was going to read about Mexico? That was an hour ago and I haven't gotten around to it yet. Now I'm having pound cake and tea. Mmmm. Remember the ice cream and pound cake I had in the summer? Yummy. So I'm sitting here thinking about how much fun Matt and Elizabeth's wedding is going to be! I'm so looking forward to it all! Really into it!

10:39

Now I'm back to drinking beer and "The Specials" are on. I've been skimming through the journal. Yes, Mexico, but also the Road Poets. So many great times together. I like the way I'm thinking of putting together this videotape.

11:07

I want to start the video with Matt as Nathan Detroit in "Guys and Dolls." I hope Rosie has the videotape! I've been writing other thoughts and remembrances. I have to remember Karen's story of her family over during the holidays. It's such a great "video story." They were watching a videotape of themselves a year before at Christmas watching themselves many years before at Christmas. Her sister, I think, was watching herself on the original video (within last year's video) and said, "Oh, look at my hair!" and then in the video -- watching the original video -- she said, "Oh, look at my hair!" in the exact same tone. The funniest thing is they had been videotaping that night, but the camera wasn't on right then again.

11:38

I got a letter from John Zerfas! Yay! He told me about his great house-warming party. I wish I could've been there! And now he's going to Las Vegas. Without me! We had so much fun last year in Vegas! I'm already thinking about bed. And it's not even time to go out yet! I guess I'm definitely staying in! I'm going to Portugal in 12 hours. I suppose I should think about that. Get ready and stuff. I'm listening to "Road to Nowhere" and thinking of Karen and Rick's wedding video. That was great! Damn, I wish I could watch it right now. "Verdi Cries" by 10,000 Maniacs is on now. This song always makes me weep. Hauntingly mournful.

12:00

I could never be happy in Detroit. Maybe if I lived on the lakeshore. Possible.

Another "oh yeah." De told me today that Don Francisco, the landlord, offered her a few months free rent if she'd allow him to "come over" from time to time. I'm assuming she meant to have sex with him. She didn't seem terribly shocked. Actually, she said maybe she would have to consider it if he offered $2000 or something.

12:31

Shit. I'm really freaking out about this next week traveling without speaking any English. It should be good for me! Other tidbits from the day as I'm getting ready for bed... I turned all my underwear and white t-shirts lavender by washing a purple shirt with them in Annelies' washing machine. How stupid! Like when David ended up with yellow underwear from Annelies' green shirt washed with them. Also found out that Elisabeth missed her flight Wednesday -- again! It left in the morning. She hadn't called to confirm! Luckily, she got another charter soon after. "La tonta del aeropuerto." De and I had some discussions on Sinead O'Connor ripping up the pope's picture and De's life on the farm in Ireland. She talked about how her brother wants to inherit the family farm, which De thinks should be sold. Her father wants to sell, Mom wants to "keep it in the family." De said it kinda depends on who dies first! She's so blunt all the time!

1:06

I've virtually eliminated stress from my life here in Spain. Not completely, but nearly. Work was tense at times. And this impending trip. And the thought of going back to Detroit -- perhaps for good -- soon after I return from Portugal has me feeling panicky from time to time!

6:30 pm

Analyze this sentence sometime: I'd miss a lot of things, if I didn't return. Correct usage? Or "don't" instead of "didn't"? What if it were (subjunctive, no?), "I'll" instead of "I'd"? I have the Spanish subjunctive mastered, it's the darned English that gets me.

Got interrupted. Elisabeth visited me and we smoked a little. I had been writing a letter to Gitta before. Oh, here's another tidbit for the chapter on "Frustrations: No phone/No car." Elisabeth and I want to go visit Frank tonight and celebrate her penultimate night. So we have to walk 20 minutes in the rain and hope he's home. No phone, no car.

Anyway, Elisabeth and I had a nice talk. She said she's thinking of going to Turkey to live in a friend's house next summer -- and invited me to come. You know I'll consider it! Free lodging near a beach. What more could I want? It's so fun to entertain previously unthinkable thoughts! That's what freedom does to you. I'm also thinking maybe they'd employ me long-term at BHSD again. Choices! Possibilities!

I'm really enjoying "Strange Angels" for the umpteenth time. It's so great for the soul. Especially with headphones! I love singling out one instrument at a time and just try to listen to it for a while. Ignore everything else. What a lot of work it must be to produce a song!

7:45 pm

So I really don't know. Herbert was telling me again about how things are looking up. He really wants me to come back -- even if Tecny Video Profesional no longer exists. He said he might be somewhere else, but could still use me. The future of TVP itself looks bleak. As long as I get paid tomorrow. But I really would think of coming back here if I could be sure of earning at least $1000/month. Then it would be worth it. And if Jenny still comes... Well, we'll see. Once again.

Tomorrow's my last day! Yay! I can't wait to be free! It would probably be good to get away from Carlos, too, before I go out of my mind. I've developed quite an attraction for him. And tonight, we smoked some hash together. Ooh, look out! Dangerous! But he has a girlfriend. I just can't keep my eyes off him. What a body!

Remember punks? No, not the skinhead kind, the mosquito repellent sticks. (The poor man's sparklers.) But they were really playthings for pre-adolescents. I remember burning holes in paper with them -- spelling out your name in charred paper cut-out. I'm burning an incense stick right now and I was just burning a hole in some paper. Memories of childhood. Funny what sparks a memory. Sometimes sound -- a favorite song; sometimes sight -- children playing at the beach; at other times it's a smell -- burning leaves; or a taste -- homemade chocolate chip cookies!

I'm watching Madonna's "Erotica" video. This must be causing havoc in the States. It's so much more explicit than that other one 2 years ago. I remember watching it in Kevin and Ron's room at Saugatuck. Why can't I remember the name? Not "Like a Prayer." Oh well. "Erotica" is pretty incredible. Rather explicit lesbian porn. Nothing wrong with pushing the envelope. I mean, American mores towards sexuality are so behind Europe. I suppose "Sexy Mother Fucker" by Prince isn't getting airplay, either. Banning books.

It's time to sit and think. About the future. Where I'm going. Where I'm at now. How exciting!!

11:50 pm

So what does it mean to turn 30? Who cares? People have a tendency to analyze their lives at this juncture. All I know is that I'm very content. You know, I seem to be much happier with myself when I'm not thinking about men. Kiko tells me I need a boyfriend. Annelies tries to fix me up with Javier. De talks about not wanting to be alone when she's 40. I could drive myself crazy. I see the men patrolling the park near city hall looking for some action. What's it all about, Alfie? Of course, I think about being with someone. Of course, I feel sometimes that "life is passing me by" because I don't have someone to share it with. But when I meet men I'm interested in, I always drive myself crazy. I'm thinking of going to a gay bar in Torremolinos with the neighbors on Saturday. I'd like to go to dance to good music and be with friends. And, yes, I'd like to meet someone. But what if I do? Then what? Problems creep up. Seguro.

So I only have 2 more days of work! Then I'm free! Let's see if they pay me!

10:30 pm

Yowzie! I'm watching the closing of Expo '92 live from Sevilla. I was wishing I had recorded it somehow -- to show people what Expo was like. And I'm thinking of how I could describe everything. Of course, I can't. There's no way to relate all the sights and sounds, the sensations of everything. The water/laser show just finished for the 180-something-th time. How do you describe it? I can't even try. Shit. I want to try, but can't start. Sensory overload. Makes me think of telling people about my experience in Spain. So much to say. No possible way to tell it all. Perhaps my time here has paralleled Expo '92. How fitting that I'm leaving shortly after its closing. The King is speaking now. Giving the closing address. What a busy year for him. All the speeches, all the visiting dignitaries because of Expo and the Olympics. What a year for Spain! And to think I was here to take it all in. Curro. Cobi. Now history. And today, the 500th anniversary of Columbus' landing. All behind us now. What an incredible year it's been for Spain. For me! And tomorrow -- an hour from now -- my 30th birthday. What lies ahead? (I just heard there wasn't a single robbery reported at Expo. Can that be true?) I can't believe it's over. Expo. My time here in Málaga. My twenties. All behind me now. What to look forward to now? Cartuja '93? Costa Rica? Thirty-something? Wow. I'm sitting here thinking I can do anything with my life. So many options! So many possibilities! It's really incredible, isn't it? To not have ni puta idea where I'll be in three months. Incredible! (I'm watching a movie in which Rutger Hauer is pursuing some A-rabs, in full A-rab dress, in a factory. Strange thing is: it resembles a dream I once had.) Elisabeth and I saw a great Spanish film called, "Jamón, Jamón" tonight. Typically Spanish. In the style of Pedro Almódovar. Bizarre. I was so pleased to find I understood probably 90% of it. And by speaking Spanish all weekend with Frank and Annelies, I feel I'm really close to fluency. But I have to continue it. That's why I'm thinking of Costa Rica. Or Barcelona. Those are two leading contenders right now. What the hell? Why not do it? I've really realized that you have to "go for it" in life. I'm so glad I'm high. I love to write -- really just think -- when I'm high. And to observe and reflect on the world. On so many topics. I'm just fascinated. But I wonder if anyone else will clue in? Could they ever understand all that I'm trying to record? Doubtful, no?

I wish I could record the video things I see on television. They're showing a Málaga documentary on the community TV station. It would be a great thing to show my family and friends. "My town." Of course, they wouldn't understand the narration! I love TV! Oh shit. Joder. Here I go again loving everything. Like I wrote about last time I was stoned.

You know, when I think a lot about Spain, or when I do things like going up to the mountains this weekend, I think I need to come back to Spain. There's so much more to discover! But still... Not to Málaga. I still need to push ahead. I can't be stagnant. That's why Barcelona probably has the edge right now. Although Detroit may be a wild card that turns up unexpectedly. What if I stumble upon a great job? Stability still has a strong pull on me. It's funny how I didn't mention a possible relationship keeping me in Detroit. I really don't dwell on those things anymore. It's for the best. Digo yo. Annelies, Frank and I kept saying that all weekend. A little jab at Spanish lexicography. What? Gotta think about that one. Giant leap, huh? After seeing Jamón, Jamón, and reading into it that relationships can really mess up your life, I'm pretty content on going it alone for now. Yes, for now. It's not like I'm "giving up on love." It's just that there's so much more out there. And sometimes relationships get in the way. Well. They at least direct you in different ways. Different caminos. Life. Ain't it grand? I'm so happy all the time these days. Sure, there's the boredom and frustration of work, but there is so much excitement in my life now. I can't give that up, can I? I mean, I don't doubt and second-guess myself like I used to. I'm enjoying new experiences. I'm in control here, as Alexander Haig once said. What a feeling.

Look out! Now I'm listening to Apollo 18 by They Might Be Giants. I'll always remember this summer in Málaga when I hear it. And Strange Angels by Laurie Anderson. My two favorite CDs to get stoned to.

We walked and drove through a lot of cork tree forests today. Pretty neat. I love being in nature. And the mountains. They are incredible, aren't they? And the sea. So powerful. What a terrific combination of so many geographies Andalucía has. A bit wordy, but from the heart. Man. Exactly one year ago I was in the Vegas airport getting my blue Miata convertible. So this is it! I'm actually 30 years old! I'm so excited! To be where I am in life on my 30th birthday. What a surprise! What a fantasy! To be living in Spain as I turn 30. Whoda thunk it?

9:30 pm

Remember the song, "Birth, School, Work, Death" by, was it "The Godfathers"? Well, I'm listening to it right now. You guessed it! I'm really stoned. Shoot. It's "The Dirtfarmers." I swear, there was a band called "The Godfathers"! Wow! Just think how far Vanessa Williams has come since being crowned Miss America. What if she hadn't won -- was First Runner-Up? Then nobody would've cared about her Penthouse pictures -- or her singing career. Now she's really famous. Much more than Mary Ann Mobily or Lee Merriwether ever were! Ahh. But more famous than Phyllis George? I dunno. Phly was pretty famous in the early '80s. Married to the governor of Kentucky and working on NFL Today. Why am I on this stupid stream of consciousness? The radio! I was just doing a 5 minute interpretive dance to some Celtic music. Thank God my blinds were closed! What will the guys downstairs think? Pound, pound, pound. "Oh there's ol' lightfoot again. Dancin' stoned to Celtic music." Variety. Changes. New experiences. What life's about. Each minute new. A treasure to be used. LIFE! I love life! Indigo Girls. I like 'em. Great harmony. I love music. So interpretive! I think it would be a real drag not to be able to speak English. Think this way. (Psst. Yeah, over here.) Spanish teens are listening to all this R.E.M., Michael Jackson -- whoever. They're all singing English! You wouldn't have a clue what they were singing about. Talk about frustration! Morrisey, Peter Gabriel, Oleta Adams. There are other singers I've been hearing. You just can't dub songs like you can films! I'm glad I'm stoned. It'd been a while. And so much has been happening. David left this morning. Just as Beth was arriving. How fun! I love guests. I always want to live somewhere where my friends -- from all over the world -- will come visit. I mean, you wouldn't stop in on Detroit if you're a Dane or German on his first U.S. visit. But maybe L.A., San Francisco or Miami. Or even Chicago. I love friends! So much I'm loving tonight. It's like this hash is Ecstasy or something. There's a song they play here -- a house song -- that sings, "EcstaSI, EcstaNO!" Lots of techno music in the dance bars here. Rave -- is that what it's called in England? Something like that. Oh I feel so old. Out of it. Old fart! Zowie. I'll be 30 years old in less than a week! I suppose I should write a "recap" of my twenties -- like I review the year each new year. Yeah right! Why bother? It's all here already in my journal. Ten years ago. I remember talking with Jean Ellison how hard it was for me that I was losing my teenage years. That was an emotional birthday for me! Read about it sometime.

I want to impersonate people. Well, what I mean to say is that I want to do so many things. Like dance in a Rave Bar in Manchester -- with proper haircut and clothing, of course. Just once. To be part of that group. Or whatever group. But to know everything about it. I mean, I could go to a Rave Bar in Manchester. But the absorption of the culture takes so long. How comfortable would I be dancing at this bar in Manchester, with Doc Martins and a shaved head, if I didn't know something about this? Or going into some jazz club in New Orleans -- the old-fashioned smoky type in the movies.

"Unos negritos de Filadelfia." I just heard that on the radio. Talking about some "little black boys." Who are they anyway? "Til the End of the Road" is the song. I'm so out of American pop culture. Oooh. And I miss it! That's scary! I'm still a pretty well-conditioned American. Still miss The Flintstones, Little Caesars, the Free Press, Taco Bell, concerts, CNN, movies in English (videotapes, too), the presidential campaign. I do miss a lot. But then... When I really stop to think about it. "Yes, I miss a lot, but have I missed a lot?" Not really.

Radio Tres Pop is a great radio station. Not quite 89X. But more like Dave Dixon's show on WDET. You never know what to expect. Some great underground music, specials dedicated to the music of Bob Dylan, the Police, or Wilson Philips. Pretty wide variety! Throw in flamenco and Spanish pop music. Great stuff!

Wowsie wow! I was just thinking of cross-referencing my life! If I put this journal on a data base, I could select a topic -- say music -- and I could access journal entries with references to music! Well, I like the idea!

Double whammy! I was just thinking, "I Was a Teenage Censor." I remember my freshman year in college. After taping The Boomtown Rats' "Fine Art of Surfacing" I tried to erase the word "Shit" in the song ... Oh, what was it? About Rhodesia, no? "I was thinkin' they were lucky to be rid of that shit" was the line. Anyway, I kinda missed and it sounded really obvious that I tried to cut it out. Why did I do that? Kwananea!! The Christian Youth group! What did they do to me? Whew! That was close! What if I had really gone over the edge with that religious stuff? Double whew!! I remember going to a Maranatha meeting at MSU my freshman year. Yuck. I was so uncomfortable there. They were all so nice!! Too sugary! Left a bad taste in my mouth.

I was just wondering. How many Top 40 songs deal with love and/or sex? Good percentage, I'd say. Add in songs with a political message, and that's just about 100%, no? Okay, there are other types of songs, but not too many. Oh yeah. I forgot. There's really a lot to write about today. David left, Beth and family arrived. Jenny called. She said she's really happy with her work now. I guess it's a good thing that I decided already to go back -- and take everything. I'm glad I made the decision. You know, I was so determined not to consult people regarding my future. I wanted to do it by myself. Then I did make a decision to go back for good, when a phone call from Jenny turned me around 180°. But I'm back on course -- with the best idea. I'll take my stuff in case I want to stay in the U.S., but leave the door open to come back. Keep those options open! In my heart, I think I won't come back. And it saddens me, of course. I'll be gone from Málaga in a month. Another huge shift in my life. "What next, big sky?" I really don't know where I'll be 3 months from now: Detroit, Málaga, cualquier sitio.

Radio Tres Pop just played a cover of the Human League's "Don't You Want Me, Baby?" by the Farm or something. Now it's "The Blues Will Never Die" by Muddy Waters or someone like that. Pretty wild. "Dig that crazy rain." Woof! Big mood swing. Now I'm thinking of how repressed my emotions are.

11:50

Joel stopped by. I have a pretty wild assortment of friends, don't I? I love my friends. I was pretty startled to be disturbed while I was so stoned. But I guess I've come down quite a bit. Joel and I had a nice "chat." I wonder if he's interested in me. Oh well. I'll be gone in a month.

3:20 pm

Man! I'm starting to swing again. So I've been thinking ... maybe I don't want to come back to Málaga. Frustrations at work, lack of good social outlets. I don't know. I just can't seem to get it together. There's something so appealing about being back there. There? Where? I always want to be where I'm not. How come? Today's downside comes from not feeling good at work. Language thing still. And a feeling of having a lack of creativity. Sometimes I just can't find it. Herbert was trying to "talk it out of me." Telling me about the different minds and ways of thinking. Not that I could understand everything he was saying. I just want to be comfortable at work. And I'm not. But then, it's a job, isn't it? Yeah, but outside of work, things are lacking, too. I'm tired of Spanish. Speaking it, living it. Plus the money. It'll cost me $1300 to come back to Spain -- with the flight and rent. I could do a lot with that money. I could live 2 months on that. Or travel for a month. Or buy a car. Or a computer. Shit. Why do I do this to myself? I need to talk to Jenny or Matt. Shit. Mierda.


11:00 pm

So I'm really on a roll. I'm totally reverting. I'm thinking now of quitting 15 October -- next pay day. then I could still travel like I had wanted to. And I'd have about $750 to do it with. Not a bad deal. You know, I had been thinking of how I need to make decisions for myself. I had made the decision to go back to the States -- then Jenny called. She's the only reason I changed my mind. Why do I let others control me? Now I'm getting excited about "going home" again. About buying a Jeep and driving across country with my dog. Then just stopping "somewhere." Oh hell! Who knows? Here I go again...

4:00 pm

I can't believe I haven't written in three days. Suppose I've been busy. I had a frustrating evening working last night. Carlos and I videotaped bits of wedding receptions for a promo. We didn't get several shots we were supposed to have. The lighting situation was bad. And I just couldn't make myself understood. Communication problems! It's still so damn frustrating. And I'd really like to be friends with Carlos. But the language barrier interferes. Herbert will be pissed when he sees the videotape. I want to tell him that I don't want to go out on those kind of shoots anymore. So I got to thinking that maybe I should move back for good. Shit. Here we go again. One bad night and I'm ready to "give up." I wish I wouldn't look on it as "giving up," but I guess I do. And I guess it is in some ways. David and I got stoned together Friday night. He really is pretty funny. We had a good time, although it was an early night due to this "sleepy pot." We went to dinner at La Paloma and watched some drunk teenagers singing Ramones songs on the beach. Went to the flea market with David and De today. It was a nice "different" thing to do. It's still so hot! 95° yesterday. The evenings had been getting quite cool, but not last night.

7:40 am

On the road to Sevilla. I was reading an article about the experiences of a woman who had cancer. I was thinking about how agonizing it would be to go through that. The pain, the fatalism, the philosophizing. It shocked me when I realized I was half-way through the story before thinking about my father -- or my mother. Why is that? I have lived with cancer. Maybe I never allowed myself to think how horrible it must have been for each of them. The agony. The despair. The helplessness. The loss of "dignity." The loss of self-reliance.

11:20 am

I love lazy weekends. Yesterday, I spent some time on the beach, then visited Frank on his terrace -- right on the beach. How nice. I'd love it! Then we went to a Goddard movie -- in French with Spanish subtitles. Yeah right. Impossible. Then we went out with Elisabeth and Corrine. It was really good for me because I had to speak Spanish all day and night. And we went to the center before ending up dancing at Donde. A little variety. I've been worrying about money more. Shit. I don't make enough! Sure, it's enough to live, but not to afford a flight to the States, or contacts, or Christmas presents. Nothing extra. I don't know how long I could live like that. No clothes, no music, no travel.


7:45 pm

Okay. So am I thinking of leaving Málaga because I can't afford Christmas presents? If so, something's wrong here. Money, money, money. I hate it! I had a great day -- reading mostly. The New York Times Magazine, Mother Jones, Harper's. Great stuff. Inspirational. But those things do make me feel like "going back."


9:20 pm

It's incredible what's going on in Iraq with this "no-fly zone." It's meant to "protect the Shiite population from attack." Who's protecting the people of Afghanistan, of Burma, of Somalia? Minorities are being attacked all over the world. governments are wreaking havoc on their own citizens. But we only look to Iraq. (I've been reading the New York Times!)

3:30 am

I'm listening to the soundtrack from "Local Hero" and thinking that I'd never want to live away from the water. Going down to the beach at sunset. It's fantastic. The sound of the waves. Incredible. No wonder ancient civilizations always grew along the water. What power. These oceans are so vast!!

Oh, I'm having a fun night. Doing so many things. Writing these letters to Matt and to Bob, analyzing music, analyzing myself and my feelings towards "Bob." Not just Bob the person, but "Bob." All that it represents. The implications for the future. Losses. Gains. Life gets serious sometimes! But why? Shouldn't we just let it unfold before us like the Yellow Brick road? I'm really enjoying writing right now. I think I'm going to stay up all night. I always think I should go to the beach at dawn. Maybe today!

I swear I have never heard this music before. All the times I've listened to Local Hero without realizing how complex it is. Beautiful sounds in my ears. Music and Nature.


6:00 am

I can't believe I've stayed up all night. Writing, thinking, listening. It's great. I think my body's tired, but my mind's not. I wrote some very philosophical stuff to Bob. The pase lo que pase kinda stuff. Annelies told me yesterday I shouldn't let him go. She said he's the nicest person she's ever met. What a nice thing to say!


3:30 pm

What excites me? Travel. Bob. Getting high with my friends. An evening at home alone. So what do I want to do? Staying in Málaga will improve my Spanish -- which will make it easier to stay here. I need to get over the fear of speaking Spanish! But I also think there are so many other adventures waiting for me out there. I could live in California. For a while anyway.

3:30 pm

So I did the wedding last night. Pretty boring. But should be an extra $80. I'm still very frustrated with the language. But I talked with José about politics, work, etc. We had a little excitement finding the photo shop flooded upon our arrival there. Nice diversion. Anyway, the wedding was okay. I do enjoy the food. I've had some great fish -- swordfish, prawns, cream of lobster soup -- pork cutlets, veal, cream of almond soup, all sorts of fun things. But it's still work. I was talking to Eva, the Swedish secretary at Miramar, and De today. Complaining about Spain. Eva had her hours cut from 8 to 4 hours a day. Not enough to live on, of course, but what can you do? Everyone seems to have money problems here. I've decided that I'll offer to stay on at work if they pay me $5/hour daily. If not, I'll leave the 15th. And if I'm not paid by the 15th, I'll strike again. So really, only 7 more days, because they probably won't accept my offer. It would be nice to earn a little extra money until October. Then I'd have money to travel. Maybe it will work out yet!

10:50 pm

¡Hola! What a funny sound. I'd like to write about it, but I have to hang the laundry. Oh shit, it can wait. I was in my apartment -- stoned -- when Annelies called up to ask if I wanted to get my laundry. (I use her washing machine.) So I went and visited with her and Corrine. Annelies is so funny! We were talking about jobs -- like always, it seems -- and Annelies said she doesn't have to worry about that now since the government pays her. So she just meditates. Then she launched into a story of a "yoga retreat" on a hill, 7 kilometers from any villages, where she spent a week. She felt locked in with a bunch of loonies -- but she couldn't leave for a week. What a great experience. Anyway, "hola" came from the greeting as I passed by Danny and Matilde on my way back home.

Cooking popcorn in extra virgin olive oil. Strange mixture of Spanish and American gastronomic cultures. Oh yeah. Annelies was talking about De's family pictures from Ireland. How they looked like the Bronte family -- and there was De in the middle. Dressed to the nines in fashionable turn-of-the-century Irish outerwear -- with perfectly tilted hats. And here, De parades around half-naked and "beasting" (as Corrine says.) But she still wears a rakish straw hat!

So much salt in this popcorn. And dry. I was thinking that De's tilted hat is a hint of the conservative background from which she comes. A throwback to the old ways. I wrote back to Ann and Ann. They're so great. I said I was thinking about gay/lesbian educational issues as a field to get into. Ann H. is such a traveler. She says her feet belong to gypsies. Yes! It sure is interesting to see who writes/calls and who doesn't. Very interesting. Revealing. My back hurts.

Orange juice and popcorn. Love it! The juice here sure is good. It's interesting to compare Spain to the U.S. The U.S. is more health-conscious. Here everyone smokes, they tend to use a lot of salt, drinking's a way of life. Although I do see a lot of joggers along the beach. And they certainly walk a lot more here. It's also interesting to see they have a Youth Sexual Orientation Center in Málaga, with the phone number listed along with police, Red Cross, etc. on page two of the local paper. They also just liberalized abortion laws now, when the U.S. is about to de-liberalize them. José says it's amazing how far Spain's progressed in just 16 years of democracy. Yes, it is. Considering the U.S. has had 216! Shouldn't we know better by now? They've separated church and state, relaxed morality laws, extended rights to former outcasts. Supposedly, Gorbachev had Spain in mind when he thought of how best to democratize his country. The government is still definitely ahead of the people, however. Old traditions die hard. Still a lot of machismo. Still a sense of country bumpkin. It may take another generation. A poll said 85% of Spanish youth do not disapprove of homosexuality. That's certainly hopeful!

I just had the song "Cherish" by the Association going through my head. I loved that song! And "Hooked on a Feeling." I also liked "I Woke Up in Love This Morning." Wasn't David Cassidy just dreamy? (Is Shirley Jones dead? I can't remember! I know Carolyn Jones is dead. But Shirley? No, I think her husband, Marty Adler died.)

I've really upset myself. During last year's travels I thought it would be great to videotape people's "stories." A variety of travelers. Well, dammit, they're all here an Málaga. I've got the equipment. I could make a documentary. Annelies is full of stories. And De. Dave and Gitta. Joel. Julian. Mitchell. It could work. Another potential multi-million dollar project. Maybe I need to go back to the states for a little boost in confidence, first. I need Jenny here to push me. Or anyone. Myself? I've really been brain-storming this idea. Let's see if it goes anywhere. I feel I'm on the brink...of something.

1:00 am

I'm really angry with myself. Why didn't I think of this earlier -- when I had the equipment and time? Now I've got a week or so. I'll have to come back. Or do it somewhere else. Travels. I want to concentrate on that. International people, too. Young, "Let's Go"-types. God, life can be exciting. I have to get Annelies to help me.

3:00 pm

So, I'm on strike. They again didn't have the partners meeting this morning. I told Herbert that I'll return when something is decided -- Wednesday at earliest. He keeps telling me things will work out, but I'm growing ever-suspicious. He mentioned today that he thought I was being paid in advance. Hoo boy. That's a good one. But maybe it's a trick they'll try to use. This really sucks. I have a feeling we'll have to come to a "compromise." Fine. Then I'll leave. If I could at least get the $500 owed me up to August 15th, it'd be something.


9:30 pm

Well, my neighbors agree that I did what I had to do. I figured that I've earned 450 pts/hour -- with the money they still owe me. But we get paid 1000 pts/hour for the weddings. That doesn't make sense. It was nice chatting with mis vecinos. I need to do it more often. So. It's still a waiting game. But I'm pretty proud of my move today. Their move now.


11:15 pm

I've been reading my journal through July 1987. I do enjoy it. What a strange life I've led. I'm looking forward to seeing Joel at Bolivia tonight. Why? Oh, hell I don't know. I love reading about my travels. I have traveled a lot. And I always enjoy it so much! But I hate reading about my pinings over guys. I still do it, don't I?

11:50 am

I feel like I'm wrestling with demons. Once again, I'm torn. Haven't yet heard the results of today's meeting, but I'm so pessimistic. I think I should walk out now -- before tomorrow's wedding if I'm not paid. Or on Monday. But the fact is, I need that money. So I'm stuck, aren't I? Does the "principle" outweigh the economics? If I work until the 15th at least I'd get some money. That just makes sense. Then I could fuck 'em. Rent is due next week. I don't think I can withdraw from Visa for another 2 weeks. Stuck. No, of course I'm not really. Annelies could lend me money. There's MasterCard, too. But this really sucks having this weigh on my mind all the time. It was nice talking to Corrine and Annelies about it. Corrine says she had a great job in Holland, a house, a boyfriend, a Mercedes. But she left it. And now she's struggling. But for her, it's worth it. I just don't know if it's worth it for me. She says she has no regrets. Well, I don't have regrets for coming here, just maybe for staying now. If I stay now, I mean. Up to now -- no problem. But now I'm doubting more. I think of calling Matt, but then Laurie Anderson sings, "I don't need anybody's help, I'm gonna get there on my own." So anyhow, as always it boils down to money, doesn't it? But doesn't getting paid -- on time, in full -- also represent respect? I don't like not being respected. I don't like being "used." It batters the self-esteem.


10:10 pm

I'm gonna eat eggs tonight. Wow. I think I'm stoned. I'm so mad I left my journal at work. How stupid! But I have to write on something. I got "paid" with hash today. Hah! Not bad. Shit. I'm stoned. I'm so mad that I'll have to transcribe this. I hope nobody comes over. I want to be alone right now. I have to remember to call Paul's surprise birthday party tonight. No way! I don't think I'll be able to leave this apartment tonight. I really wanted to go to Bolivia to see if Tomas is there. Maybe I will. It's not late yet. Best time to go is 12:30 -- two hours from now. Strange hours -- especially in the summer. Many businesses close for the day at 2 or 3. Many are closed completely for the month of August. Vacaciones. But people don't eat dinner until midnight -- the beachfront restaurants are packed until almost 1 am. And they don't go to the bar until that time or later. Night life continues until 8 or 9 am. Really! I wish I had gone back to the Feria again last week.

10:35

I can't believe what I just "had to do" and how much I accomplished. I'm so stoned I decided to close the door and lower the blinds and put on the headphones, because I didn't want anyone to stop by. I couldn't deal with having to speak -- Spanish -- right now. So I saw the eggs. I guess I should explain that prologue. I was making hard-boiled eggs. Now I'm confused. I thought I just did this egg thing during the door/blinds episode. But I see I wrote about the eggs before that trip. Anyway, I'm so stoned I'll need to eat something and since the eggs are available, I thought I'd probably end up eating them although it doesn't sound so good to me right now. I do have some ice cream. That and brownies....the all-time best thing to eat when you're colgado. It's good to study these things. I'm listening to "Mammals" by They Might Be Giants. So many inputs. I'm trying to write about the past and I keep getting interrupted by the present! But these songs are so fucking weird! I love it! I just fall into it. It's inside me. We're one! "The Statue Got Me High." But that's one of the things I did during this descanso to withdraw into myself. I put on this CD. I was going to listen to the tape of Poi Dog Pondering, but the Sinead O'Connor side is at the beginning. I couldn't wait for it to rewind, and I just wasn't in a Sinead O'Connor mood right now. Know what I mean? Yeah, I thought so. So what I did with the eggs is put them into cold water. ("Spider" So fucking weird! In my head. "Get rid of. Must stop. He is our hero." Why does that make so much sense right now? Zongo! It's like spider is the marijuana. No. No.... Yes! "He is our hero!") Wow. I was just reviewing that entire "Spider" episode again. I was pretending to act it out -- a la Spaulding Gray. Storytelling. How I would tell it to a group. Now I'm just trying to review that last thought. And I'm so fucked up that I can't. Just can't! I have this music in my head and I can't concentrate. They're talking about salivating dogs. "Good dog." It's so confusing. Too many stimuli. What time is it now? 10:56. I just wrote for 20 minutes. Well, I was interrupted by thinking from time to time! The present taking over from the past. Time Wars! Off the map. That's where I am right now, Like that time I was in the corner of the ceiling at Matt and Eli's during the Super Bowl. I was right there in the corner of the ceiling. Now I'm off the map. I don't know this song. No words. Oh, that's no fun!

10:59

This sounds Madness-like. "The Hall of Hats" "The Hallowed Head"? What is it called? "The Song of the Hall of Heads," I think. I don't have a clue. Am I going to be able to go out tonight? Doubt it! Peligroso. Spines aren't straight! They're supposed to be curved. That's from "Which Describes How You're Feeling All The Time." "Dots and Lines" sounds mod-ish. There are no limits to music. You can go anywhere. Even off the map. Work. Jerk.

11:09

"A paper-white mask of evil." I was just storytelling again. Imagining videotaping this trip. It could be edited. And win some avant-garde film festival. Really! Hmmm. I mean, where do these things come from? All these far-out ideas were thoughts just like this once. But some are realized. I'm writing too fast. No. Not fast enough to record all this. And now it's "Fingertips." I have to get lost in it. Oh! I can't believe it! "Mysterious whisper." "What's that blue thing doing here?" "I don't understand you." "I'm havin' a heart attack." Stop writing!

11:16

That's a fantastic song. Incredibly performed. Reality -- sprung forth from fantasy. Just made that up (and I'm pretty proud of it, thank you.)

11:18

I'm out of music. Oh man! What I meant to write back at 11:09 was that I ate an egg already! How did I forget that? The present heaving aside the past again. I was just thinking again of the videotaping idea. And thinking that I couldn't do it. How embarrassing! But didn't MTV recently videotape the home life of seven young adults for several months? I think that's fantastic. I'd love to see it -- if it's real. Not acting. Several of those people were performers. I wonder if they "acted" their home-life for three months. Checking every movement, every emotion. Arrgh. How horrible that would be! Everything you do! No way. It's a hoax. They didn't really record everything. Man. TMBG is over, but now I'm hearing "Please Don't Go" from the disco down the hill. Loud. Strong wind. At 11:18 I had meant to get up out of this chair. I haven't yet. It's 11:26.

11:29

That was tough! Picking out music to play. But I decided finally on "Songs for Europe," a compilation tape I made before last year's trip. Very nice choice. Strong, yet fruity. I want to sit on the terrace, but I still can't face anyone. I'm gonna have another egg.

11:33

What is it you're supposed to put in hard-boiled egg water to make the, easy to peel? Vinegar? Am I high?

11:35

Here's Laurie Anderson's "Monkey's Paw." She's so good to crawl inside. Nothing meant by that. Well, yes, something, but not that! Time for some ice cream -- with almonds (I swear!) That with eggs and beer? Well. Maybe later. I'm not going to re-write this. It gets stuffed in. Could I concentrate on one thing long enough when I'm high to write a screenplay? I'm thinking of this videotaping thing again. Well, no, actually the Spaulding Gray performance. That would need to be scripted, no? No! Of course not! Well, maybe. It's like the MTV thing. Needs to look spontaneous and real. But is it really just acting? Is someone knocking on my door? I don't know. "Deadbeat Club" is in my ears. "Love Can be Stranger Than Fiction" while I was fregarplato-ing -- washing dishes. And now I just got deja-vu. Really. Oh, it's 11:46. I meant to get some beer from the fridge.

11:49

I love Spain right now. Happy with myself. Right with the world. I do think I'll still go out tonight. I was right an hour and a half ago. Plenty of time to do it all. My beer is way over there on top of the fridge! Why is it there? And I'm here! Why didn't it come with me? Distracciones. Gettin' the beer now.

11:53

I have to go outside for "Life from A Window."

11:57

It was nice being out there. "Observing everything around you." But I have to admit I was a bit paranoid. Still not ready to come out of my little world just yet. And no one can come in -- right now. Oh, there's Matilde! Hide! Whew. That was close. Maybe I'm too tired to go out. Just like my life. Can't decide. I have to work a wedding tomorrow night. Drag. I can't believe I'm in Spain. Why? How did I land here? Me! Just me! Seems so silly. But you know, there are a lot of other people who did it, too. And we've all come together in this tiny corner of the world. Travelers. Passing through each other's procession of life. But then we go on, don't we? I have to remember this when I'm down about missing my friends. It's a lifetime journey. We pass in and out of each other's lives. Sometime we come back quite regular -- like Haley's Comet. But seriously. The circles -- orbits -- cross. Some return, some don't. But they've all had an effect. Their "gravity" has altered our course a little bit. We're all molded by the people we interact with. Look at what you learn from your parents. Or what about someone who brought a bad experience to your life? How has that changed you? It's there. You still remember it, don't you? It's there. In your life history.

12:10

Well, the tape just self-destructed. So I had to change the music to "Cosmic Thing." I'm off that last train of thought. But it was a nice ride, wasn't it? Yeah. makes sense. Thanks, friends!

12:12

I just had to get up and close the blinds again. Right when I get philosophical and mushy. But I was paranoid of people watching me. From down below in the plaza. (Okay, it's a parking lot.) Plaza Ruiz Valle. My home. In this chapter of my life. I wonder where I'm going next. I can honestly say I don't have the slightest clue. Really. How exciting. (My confused twin says, "How frightening.) How brave! (How irresponsible.) How confident! (How insecure.) How adventurous! (How lonely.) Reflections on my life right now. Torn. Off the map.

12:20

Man, I need to publish this. Any one of these ideas I've been given to in the past two hours would probably work. Just got to do it! Doubt. Doubt. Doubt. Incredible Doubt. "The Awful Dynn" -- The Phantom Tollbooth. I can't believe I related my "Little Match Girl" story in Amsterdam to Gitta. How funny. She, of course, is Danish, so she knows the story. I miss Gitta! She's a truly great friend. And we'll probably never see each other again. Aw hell, why not? The world's not that big!

12:26

Here's something to pass time. If you were having a party with any 100 friends/family, etc., who would you invite? Transportation's not a problem. Like if you suddenly became a billionaire and wanted to throw a big party with your favorite people. Who would you pick? What if it were 50? 25? Now it's really tough. Weird thought to "rank" your friends. Suddenly I don't like it. But it's interesting at the 100 people level. It's 12:30. Doubtful about going out.

12:34

I can't get rid of my confused twin. Why can't I come to a simple decision? I jumped up, opened the blinds, went out on the terrace. I was thinking of going out. Yeah. Why not? See what Annelies is doing. But... Why can't you just enjoy a night at home by yourself -- without having to worry about the people you "might have met" if you had gone out. Just get stoned. Enjoy the ride. Why always have doubts about my decisions? Or lack of decisions. I really have to make a definite plan for tonight. I did think I'd go out, though. Is it okay to change your mind?....Every 42 seconds?? Roam if you want to. My mind is roaming. I could go out to see if anyone's at Bolivia/Donde. Only Tomas might be. Worth the "risk"? What if no one's there? Then you've blown it, blockhead! Shut up, Lucy. Lucy. That's my twin. My twin has a name now.

12:47

Whichever decision you make, it's okay! You did what you needed to do at that point in your life-journey. I had made the decision to go out -- again. But now I'm wavering again. But it just doesn't matter. Either way is an exciting path. Outward. Inward. So much to be experienced in both caminos. Past. present. Future. "Our universe is expanding." -- Topaz by B-52s. What a great journal experience this is!

1:14

Okay. At that party with 100 people, which 100 songs would you play? I'm going to do this sometime. The list, I mean. Not necessarily the party -- although I'd love to. My going-away party was almost 50. I really hadn't meant to write more tonight. I'm in for the duration. Contacts are OUT! Ice cream is about to come out of the congelador. I'm listening to "Oh boy, Oh boy" Las Vegas!

1:21

SHIT! I'm writing a letter to John Zerfas asking when we're going to go to Las Vegas again. I wrote that I'm stoned and was about to write that I'm home alone, stoned, writing on a Friday night. Now John would definitely be one to go out instead of staying in. So I'm thinking, "Shit. Should I have gone out?" No! You're fine! Baby!

1:25

Still haven't touched the ice cream. Willpower. No... Nougat flavor. Yech. I crack myself up.

1:29

Okay, so I won't touch the ice cream, but what I do have is pound cake-type baked good. With some milk. Yumm. Paul's surprise birthday party is starting.

1:34

I'm sitting here thinking about making the Spaulding Gray-type movie. Trying to get funding. Having someone say they want to produce my script. I say, "No! It's mine! I have to do it." I'm really getting tired now. Pound cake!

1:40

I rarely have a "tall" glass of milk. But now I'm having one. I was in the kitchen doing some more "acting." Trying to explain all the details of this experience. And having people say, "Yeah, but wasn't that obvious?" or, "Well, was it pound cake or not? What's this pound cake-type baked good? Isn't it just Spanish pound cake?" And I'm getting all defensive.

1:44

Just as I sat down for my pound cake and tall glass of milk, the music ran out. Shit! Had to get up and put on "Songs for Europe" again. I don't know why I had stopped it. That made me think of my MSU video project with Roxy Music's "A Song for Europe." That really was pretty nice. Very amateur, but a nice idea. And "A Second Chance," our Twilight Zone episode with Char STARon and Matt! Hee, hee, hee! I have to write that down and send it to Matt.

1:52

That pound cake and milk was so good. I want some more! It's really windy. A so refreshing cool breeze. It rained a bit this afternoon. After this past heat. Uf. It's been so hot.

2:16

Just finished the letter to John. It was a good letter. He'll enjoy it. Music's been gone for a while. I'd love to hear "American Pie" right now!! God, that'd be great. Let's see if it's on the radio!

2:18

Nope. No "American Pie." Here's "Major Tom." Flamenco. "Ramalamadingdong" from the bar down the hill. Shit. I should go there! What else? WJOI-type music. Blues guitar! Motown. Hall and Oats. Glen Campbell! Really! "Las Chicas," a current Spanish pop favorite. More flamenco. Piano jazz. Talk show. Flamenco! That was an interesting selection! I'm recording the flamenco. It's really great music. Equivalent to American Blues, I think. An acquired but fervent taste.

2:32

And, yes, I did have another serving of pound cake and milk. And I'm getting into this flamenco music.

2:46

I thought of many things as I was getting ready for bed. But I can't write them all. Too much. Overload. Now they're lost forever.... I'm not quite ready for bed, though. I should write another letter. Or something. Annelies reminds me of Suzanne.

3:14

Rollerblade, I was watching. After an extremely slow French movie with no dialog. Just airy background music. I didn't have a clue what it was. Starsky and Hutch and a too-goofy-to-be-real "love" movie are the only 2 things left. I miss cable! I'm in Spain. Watching Starsky and Hutch.

11:20 pm

I was re-reading my journal entries from the months preceding my move to Spain. It was great to read the excitement, the anxiety, the life! Sometimes I'm so full of life. I got a letter from Ann Heler today. She congratulated me on my "bold move." Yes, it was. But perhaps my boldness is wearing off. Am I doing things half-hearted like always? You know, half-in, half-out of the closet. The gay/lesbian groups I've belonged to. My family. My job. My relationships! I never seem to give myself 100%. Why is that? What's holding me back? What am I so afraid of? Rejection? By whom? Who am I trying to please? Anyhow! That was such an intense time of my life. So much going on. Oh, and the times with John. Las Vegas. Saugatuck. Brad at Saugatuck! All the emotions. Incredible. So where does that leave me now? Still wallowing in self-doubt. Still feeling pulled to go back "home" -- especially after reading these journal entries. The people I miss. But.... then I read the first few weeks of my time in Spain. And I think, "I can recapture the spirit!" That excitement! The newness. Well, I will go to Bolivia tonight. I hope Tomas is there. Perhaps I should rather go down and visit with Danny, Kiko, Matilde and Anneleis. That would really be reaching out. But I won't. Stuck. How do I get stuck? I was feeling better at work today after a pep talk with Herbert. I told him I was thinking of quitting rather than dealing with all these problems. Bernardo's on vacation. Herbert will meet with him on Thursday. Wait, wait, wait. Herbert wanted me to wait until the end of the month and I told him that my patience had run out. Now I think I'll stick it out until Sept. 15 -- only 3 more weeks. I've been spending a lot of time on my own. Well, not really, when you stop and think about it. I went out Thursday - Saturday -- and late. Whatever. Life goes on. I'm listening to Powaqqatsi. Love it! So -- the plan (at the moment): Work until September 15 or 30. Casually look into teaching English, do a little traveling until the end of October. Possibly work at BHSD until Christmas. In January... well, I haven't gotten that far! Maybe I'll come back to Malaga if teaching English looks good. Otherwise, where? What?

2:00 am

This is what I consider a nice night. I had stayed in -- watching the news, reading, writing letters -- until almost 1:00. Then I got dressed and went out to Bolivia/Donde. Saw several people I knew (but not the ones I wanted to see -- Joel or Tomas), then came back home at 2:00. It feels good that I know people, though. Mostly transients, however. Now I'm home listening to Laurie Anderson and eating pound cake. Perfect. I had thought of going to the feria, but decided not to, Too expensive, y'know. I did wander around the day-time feria today. It's really great, just observing. Seeing horses tied to buildings on narrow streets, probably as they were 100 years ago. And the dancing in the streets. I'll have to go again tomorrow. Last day.


11:50 pm

Why do I have such an inferiority complex? I'm so amazed that Joel has taken such an interest in me. Do I think I'm not worthy of his friendship -- just because he's got money, a great job, good looks, friends in high places and an outgoing personality? Maybe he really likes me. Who am I? Sally Fields? Why is it so hard to believe? I have the same complex, of course, with my Spanish. I think it's so bad that no one would be able to stand listening to me. But I do get a lot of encouraging words. Why don't I believe them? Why am I so guarded? Why shouldn't people like me? Or want to hire me? I'm reading another self-help book, "The Road Less Traveled." I do need some therapy. I can examine myself only so far. Now I need another point of view. I did nothing today. Okay, I did go through a Spanish TV production manual. I thought it'd be helpful if another job opportunity comes up. I just watched the fireworks from my terrace. Nice. Why couldn't they have been there last time, so we wouldn't have had to scramble at the last minute! I've slept a lot this weekend. I needed to catch up. The nights have been much cooler lately -- even needed a blanket. But the days are still 95°.

3:00 pm

Listening to Tracy Chapman gets me down. Naw. Imagine that! I guess it reminds me of the time of life when I first heard it. Makes me think of "back home" and my friends. Yes, I think I'll be ready to go back in November. If not before. I was thinking of the elections. I'd sure love to be there to celebrate a Democratic victory! God, it would make me feel so much better about my country. About the direction in which it's headed. I was thinking more about living with Bob, too. Today I'm feeling that what I need is to be with Bob. I want to write him. Nothing syrupy or morose. Just honest. I stayed home today, because I pinched a nerve in my back and I'm pretty immobilized. Anneleis gave me a massage and that seemed to really help. But I’ve just been lying in bed all day. Sittin’ ‘n’ thinkin’. I had one of those strange chains of thought. I found myself wondering how to spell “Hozlo,” the British/Indian/Finnish guy. Why? Well, I had been thinking of whether or not I had written about him. I want “records” of everyone I’ve met here. I had been thinking of his friend, Reijo, and Barbara. I had thought of the time they stopped by my house on the way back from Aldi with two loaves of fresh, warm bread among their groceries. They had only asked for one, but since they couldn’t resist eating it so warm, they had almost eaten one loaf already and were glad they had another! I had been thinking how good that bread tasted -- because I’m hungry, and I had meant to get some bread at Aldi, but didn’t. Not too many jumps there, but still pretty weird. So I’ve been thinking that I really need to learn to play the guitar. I stayed in last night. First time in a while. I was going to cruise by Bolivia to see if Joel was there with job news, but I was too tired. Rafa came over. I didn’t go out with him and Kiko, either. Nor did I even go downstairs to talk for a while. So, should I “get involved” with Rafa? I’m not really attracted to him, but he is a nice guy. And I could certainly use some sex. It’s been a while. But then I think of Bob and his “dates.” And I get jealous. So I’m reading “Kindergarten” and one story is about eating at small cafes and diners. I think: wouldn’t that be fun? To travel across the USA? Meeting people would be easy -- they all speak the same language! Remember yelling, “Olly-olly-oxen-free!” when it was time to give up the hide and seek game and start over? Why did we say that?

7:00 pm

I wonder if my friends think of me often. I mean, I’m always thinking of Bob, or Matt and Eli, or Alyssa, or John. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to have all my music here. Or to watch ABC News every morning. Makes me think more of “over there.” You know, the more I think about going back, the more excited I get. Why? Running back or charging forward? A little bit of both? This has been a nice day of doing nothing.

8:40 pm
You know, I just got another idea. Maybe I should move to Denver. I have family there. There’s a good-sized gay community. There’s a Latino community for my Spanish. CU at Boulder is close by. The winters aren’t great, but it’s sunnier than Detroit. Another thing to ponder.


9:20 pm
Crazy neighbors. Anneleis told everyone I was sick and my back hurt. Matilde sent Danny up with and analgesic spray. She says it’s the change in the weather. (What change? It's still HOT!) Danny asked if I had a cough or if my lungs hurt. I said no, but he brought me soup anyway and said I shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Really, I just strained a muscle in the tiny shower stall! But it’s nice...

1:45 am

Hellos, good-byes. Good nights, bad nights. Said hello to Jeannet and Bek who are back in town again. Bek was bummed when he found out he just missed Andre. Whom I didn’t get a chance to really say good-bye to. The truck they were going to ride with didn’t go. So they were going to stay. Well, while I was at work, they decided to take the train. It’s okay. I hate emotional, long good-byes. I said good-bye to Yop, too. It was a long, drawn-out good-bye recalling the past, talking of the future, trying to find a pen and paper for addresses. I guess it kept me there long enough to see Bek, though. So it was a “good night” even though I didn’t see Joel. I knew several people there. But they’ll all be gone soon. Sometimes -- usually, now -- Bolivia/Donde are bad nights. I wrote a nice letter to Neil tonight. So many thoughts. Jeannet and I talked about how positive my experience has been, even if it hasn’t been “perfect.” Nine months -- or less, even -- may be long enough.

3:30 pm

Just sittin’ on the terrace -- thinkin’. Wrote some letters. Now I’m contemplative. Still thinking of quitting when I get paid. But I don’t think I will. I mean, I’m still only working 4 hours a day. It leaves me time to sit and think. Or to look for another job. If I quit now, I could probably make it to the end of September on the $700 I should be getting. I could spend another $1000 from savings to stay another month and travel a bit. That would just about deplete my savings, though. Or I could go back Oct. 1st. I wonder if I’d get my $500 back from my security deposit. I could work at BHSD until January, then take ESL and Spanish classes -- in some other city. Or I could come back to Malaga. I’d only want to came back if I had a job lined up. I wouldn’t want to go through all this uncertainty again. And I couldn’t afford it! But more likely, I’d stay in the States. Maybe I’m serious about going back to school in Fall ‘93. Instructional Technology? Spanish? ESL? Maybe something totally new that I haven’t really thought of yet. Something with travel, no? Or Linguistics. I think I could use some counseling. While looking back at my life I realized -- maybe for the first time -- that I didn’t really have a childhood. My mom was sick from the time I was 6 years old. That’s pretty heavy. I never felt really close to my family then. I still have a lot of walls even with my brothers and sisters. And especially w/cousins and aunts and uncles. Why is that? What’s blocking me? Am I really comfortable with my sexuality? Signals say no. Still not out to some people. Haven’t had serious relationships. But is it -- as Neil says -- just society’s view that we should all be in happy, loving relationships? It’s okay to march to a different beat. To develop your life as you see fit. Heck, yeah. I hate the heat during the day here. I’d love to go on a bike ride down the coast, but it’s still too hot. I need to sit on the beach and think. I miss Andre’s “All right, mate.” His pathetic attempt at sounding British. I met a Polish girl in Bolivia the other night. Actually, she lives in Munich now. I love sittin’ and thinkin’. I’ve been occasionally writing letters -- like a short note to Matt telling him how I miss “The Flintstones” -- or reading my journal, or eating something in between writing things down in here. Jolts my mind to all the little anecdotes of Malaga. Maybe I could write. I know, I could go live with Bob while I write my experiences -- maybe even compile my entire 15 years of my journal. That would be amazing. Sometimes I feel antsy. Like I “should be doing something!” Can’t even enjoy an afternoon of sittin’ ‘n’ thinkin’ without some guilt creeping in. Of course, I am doing something. Adjusting myself. Tinkering with the inner knobs and levers. Learning by reading, by writing, by observing. I’ve noticed that I can’t sit long without a million thoughts going through my head: I’d like to pick some almonds off that tree; why do flies like my feet so much; is it true that cicadas come up from the ground and make that awful August buzzing only on the last day of their lives; where are those busloads, but loads, of people coming from and going to; why doesn’t Malaga have -- or enforce -- a noise law -- the motorcycles are terrible!, could this fly be someone I know back on earth in another form -- he seems to be playing with me. All right, so they’re stupid thoughts, but I am doing something! And I’m reading “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.” Simple thoughts. That make you think more complex thoughts. So why am I antsy? Because I “shouldn’t” be alone? Because I “should” ride my bike? One thing I need to keep reminding myself is that I can’t do everything! Oh, but I want to! I feel I need to. Experience it all! I think I’m pretty well-balanced. The Libra in me. I do bits of this and a little of that -- but don’t do a whole lot of anything! Does that sum up my life, or what? I’ve lately been comparing my experience here with college life. My apartment is the size of a dorm room, I never feel like studying or going to work (classes), the social life revolves around drinking, it’s fairly easy to meet people -- superficially, though, “I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life,” blah. blah, woof, woof. It’s 6:00, it’s getting cloudy -- time for a bike ride!


7:30 pm

There are so many things that I still don't know. For example: why do fish occasionally jump out of the water? Is it fun? Are they trying to escape? I know salmon do it while spawning, but that's going upstream in a river. Makes sense. But right in the middle of the sea? I'm sitting seaside at a fairly deserted beach about 10 km. east of my house. A very peaceful evening. Strange that it's cloudy. Makes everything look so different. I could sure go for a good thunderstorm. But I doubt that will happen. It's rained one day in the past (at least) 7 weeks.