11:50 am

I feel like I'm wrestling with demons. Once again, I'm torn. Haven't yet heard the results of today's meeting, but I'm so pessimistic. I think I should walk out now -- before tomorrow's wedding if I'm not paid. Or on Monday. But the fact is, I need that money. So I'm stuck, aren't I? Does the "principle" outweigh the economics? If I work until the 15th at least I'd get some money. That just makes sense. Then I could fuck 'em. Rent is due next week. I don't think I can withdraw from Visa for another 2 weeks. Stuck. No, of course I'm not really. Annelies could lend me money. There's MasterCard, too. But this really sucks having this weigh on my mind all the time. It was nice talking to Corrine and Annelies about it. Corrine says she had a great job in Holland, a house, a boyfriend, a Mercedes. But she left it. And now she's struggling. But for her, it's worth it. I just don't know if it's worth it for me. She says she has no regrets. Well, I don't have regrets for coming here, just maybe for staying now. If I stay now, I mean. Up to now -- no problem. But now I'm doubting more. I think of calling Matt, but then Laurie Anderson sings, "I don't need anybody's help, I'm gonna get there on my own." So anyhow, as always it boils down to money, doesn't it? But doesn't getting paid -- on time, in full -- also represent respect? I don't like not being respected. I don't like being "used." It batters the self-esteem.


10:10 pm

I'm gonna eat eggs tonight. Wow. I think I'm stoned. I'm so mad I left my journal at work. How stupid! But I have to write on something. I got "paid" with hash today. Hah! Not bad. Shit. I'm stoned. I'm so mad that I'll have to transcribe this. I hope nobody comes over. I want to be alone right now. I have to remember to call Paul's surprise birthday party tonight. No way! I don't think I'll be able to leave this apartment tonight. I really wanted to go to Bolivia to see if Tomas is there. Maybe I will. It's not late yet. Best time to go is 12:30 -- two hours from now. Strange hours -- especially in the summer. Many businesses close for the day at 2 or 3. Many are closed completely for the month of August. Vacaciones. But people don't eat dinner until midnight -- the beachfront restaurants are packed until almost 1 am. And they don't go to the bar until that time or later. Night life continues until 8 or 9 am. Really! I wish I had gone back to the Feria again last week.

10:35

I can't believe what I just "had to do" and how much I accomplished. I'm so stoned I decided to close the door and lower the blinds and put on the headphones, because I didn't want anyone to stop by. I couldn't deal with having to speak -- Spanish -- right now. So I saw the eggs. I guess I should explain that prologue. I was making hard-boiled eggs. Now I'm confused. I thought I just did this egg thing during the door/blinds episode. But I see I wrote about the eggs before that trip. Anyway, I'm so stoned I'll need to eat something and since the eggs are available, I thought I'd probably end up eating them although it doesn't sound so good to me right now. I do have some ice cream. That and brownies....the all-time best thing to eat when you're colgado. It's good to study these things. I'm listening to "Mammals" by They Might Be Giants. So many inputs. I'm trying to write about the past and I keep getting interrupted by the present! But these songs are so fucking weird! I love it! I just fall into it. It's inside me. We're one! "The Statue Got Me High." But that's one of the things I did during this descanso to withdraw into myself. I put on this CD. I was going to listen to the tape of Poi Dog Pondering, but the Sinead O'Connor side is at the beginning. I couldn't wait for it to rewind, and I just wasn't in a Sinead O'Connor mood right now. Know what I mean? Yeah, I thought so. So what I did with the eggs is put them into cold water. ("Spider" So fucking weird! In my head. "Get rid of. Must stop. He is our hero." Why does that make so much sense right now? Zongo! It's like spider is the marijuana. No. No.... Yes! "He is our hero!") Wow. I was just reviewing that entire "Spider" episode again. I was pretending to act it out -- a la Spaulding Gray. Storytelling. How I would tell it to a group. Now I'm just trying to review that last thought. And I'm so fucked up that I can't. Just can't! I have this music in my head and I can't concentrate. They're talking about salivating dogs. "Good dog." It's so confusing. Too many stimuli. What time is it now? 10:56. I just wrote for 20 minutes. Well, I was interrupted by thinking from time to time! The present taking over from the past. Time Wars! Off the map. That's where I am right now, Like that time I was in the corner of the ceiling at Matt and Eli's during the Super Bowl. I was right there in the corner of the ceiling. Now I'm off the map. I don't know this song. No words. Oh, that's no fun!

10:59

This sounds Madness-like. "The Hall of Hats" "The Hallowed Head"? What is it called? "The Song of the Hall of Heads," I think. I don't have a clue. Am I going to be able to go out tonight? Doubt it! Peligroso. Spines aren't straight! They're supposed to be curved. That's from "Which Describes How You're Feeling All The Time." "Dots and Lines" sounds mod-ish. There are no limits to music. You can go anywhere. Even off the map. Work. Jerk.

11:09

"A paper-white mask of evil." I was just storytelling again. Imagining videotaping this trip. It could be edited. And win some avant-garde film festival. Really! Hmmm. I mean, where do these things come from? All these far-out ideas were thoughts just like this once. But some are realized. I'm writing too fast. No. Not fast enough to record all this. And now it's "Fingertips." I have to get lost in it. Oh! I can't believe it! "Mysterious whisper." "What's that blue thing doing here?" "I don't understand you." "I'm havin' a heart attack." Stop writing!

11:16

That's a fantastic song. Incredibly performed. Reality -- sprung forth from fantasy. Just made that up (and I'm pretty proud of it, thank you.)

11:18

I'm out of music. Oh man! What I meant to write back at 11:09 was that I ate an egg already! How did I forget that? The present heaving aside the past again. I was just thinking again of the videotaping idea. And thinking that I couldn't do it. How embarrassing! But didn't MTV recently videotape the home life of seven young adults for several months? I think that's fantastic. I'd love to see it -- if it's real. Not acting. Several of those people were performers. I wonder if they "acted" their home-life for three months. Checking every movement, every emotion. Arrgh. How horrible that would be! Everything you do! No way. It's a hoax. They didn't really record everything. Man. TMBG is over, but now I'm hearing "Please Don't Go" from the disco down the hill. Loud. Strong wind. At 11:18 I had meant to get up out of this chair. I haven't yet. It's 11:26.

11:29

That was tough! Picking out music to play. But I decided finally on "Songs for Europe," a compilation tape I made before last year's trip. Very nice choice. Strong, yet fruity. I want to sit on the terrace, but I still can't face anyone. I'm gonna have another egg.

11:33

What is it you're supposed to put in hard-boiled egg water to make the, easy to peel? Vinegar? Am I high?

11:35

Here's Laurie Anderson's "Monkey's Paw." She's so good to crawl inside. Nothing meant by that. Well, yes, something, but not that! Time for some ice cream -- with almonds (I swear!) That with eggs and beer? Well. Maybe later. I'm not going to re-write this. It gets stuffed in. Could I concentrate on one thing long enough when I'm high to write a screenplay? I'm thinking of this videotaping thing again. Well, no, actually the Spaulding Gray performance. That would need to be scripted, no? No! Of course not! Well, maybe. It's like the MTV thing. Needs to look spontaneous and real. But is it really just acting? Is someone knocking on my door? I don't know. "Deadbeat Club" is in my ears. "Love Can be Stranger Than Fiction" while I was fregarplato-ing -- washing dishes. And now I just got deja-vu. Really. Oh, it's 11:46. I meant to get some beer from the fridge.

11:49

I love Spain right now. Happy with myself. Right with the world. I do think I'll still go out tonight. I was right an hour and a half ago. Plenty of time to do it all. My beer is way over there on top of the fridge! Why is it there? And I'm here! Why didn't it come with me? Distracciones. Gettin' the beer now.

11:53

I have to go outside for "Life from A Window."

11:57

It was nice being out there. "Observing everything around you." But I have to admit I was a bit paranoid. Still not ready to come out of my little world just yet. And no one can come in -- right now. Oh, there's Matilde! Hide! Whew. That was close. Maybe I'm too tired to go out. Just like my life. Can't decide. I have to work a wedding tomorrow night. Drag. I can't believe I'm in Spain. Why? How did I land here? Me! Just me! Seems so silly. But you know, there are a lot of other people who did it, too. And we've all come together in this tiny corner of the world. Travelers. Passing through each other's procession of life. But then we go on, don't we? I have to remember this when I'm down about missing my friends. It's a lifetime journey. We pass in and out of each other's lives. Sometime we come back quite regular -- like Haley's Comet. But seriously. The circles -- orbits -- cross. Some return, some don't. But they've all had an effect. Their "gravity" has altered our course a little bit. We're all molded by the people we interact with. Look at what you learn from your parents. Or what about someone who brought a bad experience to your life? How has that changed you? It's there. You still remember it, don't you? It's there. In your life history.

12:10

Well, the tape just self-destructed. So I had to change the music to "Cosmic Thing." I'm off that last train of thought. But it was a nice ride, wasn't it? Yeah. makes sense. Thanks, friends!

12:12

I just had to get up and close the blinds again. Right when I get philosophical and mushy. But I was paranoid of people watching me. From down below in the plaza. (Okay, it's a parking lot.) Plaza Ruiz Valle. My home. In this chapter of my life. I wonder where I'm going next. I can honestly say I don't have the slightest clue. Really. How exciting. (My confused twin says, "How frightening.) How brave! (How irresponsible.) How confident! (How insecure.) How adventurous! (How lonely.) Reflections on my life right now. Torn. Off the map.

12:20

Man, I need to publish this. Any one of these ideas I've been given to in the past two hours would probably work. Just got to do it! Doubt. Doubt. Doubt. Incredible Doubt. "The Awful Dynn" -- The Phantom Tollbooth. I can't believe I related my "Little Match Girl" story in Amsterdam to Gitta. How funny. She, of course, is Danish, so she knows the story. I miss Gitta! She's a truly great friend. And we'll probably never see each other again. Aw hell, why not? The world's not that big!

12:26

Here's something to pass time. If you were having a party with any 100 friends/family, etc., who would you invite? Transportation's not a problem. Like if you suddenly became a billionaire and wanted to throw a big party with your favorite people. Who would you pick? What if it were 50? 25? Now it's really tough. Weird thought to "rank" your friends. Suddenly I don't like it. But it's interesting at the 100 people level. It's 12:30. Doubtful about going out.

12:34

I can't get rid of my confused twin. Why can't I come to a simple decision? I jumped up, opened the blinds, went out on the terrace. I was thinking of going out. Yeah. Why not? See what Annelies is doing. But... Why can't you just enjoy a night at home by yourself -- without having to worry about the people you "might have met" if you had gone out. Just get stoned. Enjoy the ride. Why always have doubts about my decisions? Or lack of decisions. I really have to make a definite plan for tonight. I did think I'd go out, though. Is it okay to change your mind?....Every 42 seconds?? Roam if you want to. My mind is roaming. I could go out to see if anyone's at Bolivia/Donde. Only Tomas might be. Worth the "risk"? What if no one's there? Then you've blown it, blockhead! Shut up, Lucy. Lucy. That's my twin. My twin has a name now.

12:47

Whichever decision you make, it's okay! You did what you needed to do at that point in your life-journey. I had made the decision to go out -- again. But now I'm wavering again. But it just doesn't matter. Either way is an exciting path. Outward. Inward. So much to be experienced in both caminos. Past. present. Future. "Our universe is expanding." -- Topaz by B-52s. What a great journal experience this is!

1:14

Okay. At that party with 100 people, which 100 songs would you play? I'm going to do this sometime. The list, I mean. Not necessarily the party -- although I'd love to. My going-away party was almost 50. I really hadn't meant to write more tonight. I'm in for the duration. Contacts are OUT! Ice cream is about to come out of the congelador. I'm listening to "Oh boy, Oh boy" Las Vegas!

1:21

SHIT! I'm writing a letter to John Zerfas asking when we're going to go to Las Vegas again. I wrote that I'm stoned and was about to write that I'm home alone, stoned, writing on a Friday night. Now John would definitely be one to go out instead of staying in. So I'm thinking, "Shit. Should I have gone out?" No! You're fine! Baby!

1:25

Still haven't touched the ice cream. Willpower. No... Nougat flavor. Yech. I crack myself up.

1:29

Okay, so I won't touch the ice cream, but what I do have is pound cake-type baked good. With some milk. Yumm. Paul's surprise birthday party is starting.

1:34

I'm sitting here thinking about making the Spaulding Gray-type movie. Trying to get funding. Having someone say they want to produce my script. I say, "No! It's mine! I have to do it." I'm really getting tired now. Pound cake!

1:40

I rarely have a "tall" glass of milk. But now I'm having one. I was in the kitchen doing some more "acting." Trying to explain all the details of this experience. And having people say, "Yeah, but wasn't that obvious?" or, "Well, was it pound cake or not? What's this pound cake-type baked good? Isn't it just Spanish pound cake?" And I'm getting all defensive.

1:44

Just as I sat down for my pound cake and tall glass of milk, the music ran out. Shit! Had to get up and put on "Songs for Europe" again. I don't know why I had stopped it. That made me think of my MSU video project with Roxy Music's "A Song for Europe." That really was pretty nice. Very amateur, but a nice idea. And "A Second Chance," our Twilight Zone episode with Char STARon and Matt! Hee, hee, hee! I have to write that down and send it to Matt.

1:52

That pound cake and milk was so good. I want some more! It's really windy. A so refreshing cool breeze. It rained a bit this afternoon. After this past heat. Uf. It's been so hot.

2:16

Just finished the letter to John. It was a good letter. He'll enjoy it. Music's been gone for a while. I'd love to hear "American Pie" right now!! God, that'd be great. Let's see if it's on the radio!

2:18

Nope. No "American Pie." Here's "Major Tom." Flamenco. "Ramalamadingdong" from the bar down the hill. Shit. I should go there! What else? WJOI-type music. Blues guitar! Motown. Hall and Oats. Glen Campbell! Really! "Las Chicas," a current Spanish pop favorite. More flamenco. Piano jazz. Talk show. Flamenco! That was an interesting selection! I'm recording the flamenco. It's really great music. Equivalent to American Blues, I think. An acquired but fervent taste.

2:32

And, yes, I did have another serving of pound cake and milk. And I'm getting into this flamenco music.

2:46

I thought of many things as I was getting ready for bed. But I can't write them all. Too much. Overload. Now they're lost forever.... I'm not quite ready for bed, though. I should write another letter. Or something. Annelies reminds me of Suzanne.

3:14

Rollerblade, I was watching. After an extremely slow French movie with no dialog. Just airy background music. I didn't have a clue what it was. Starsky and Hutch and a too-goofy-to-be-real "love" movie are the only 2 things left. I miss cable! I'm in Spain. Watching Starsky and Hutch.