2:30 pm

So here I am at this particular point in my life. Soaking up the beautiful sunshine on my terrace, listening to some great music on Radio Tres Pop. I feel a need to go on a big CD shopping spree upon my return! I don't feel so good today, so I'm treating myself to an entire day on the terrace. Maybe I'll take a bike ride later, and visit Gitta in Torreblanca this evening. Time to start saying my good-byes. Last night I went out just for a short time. Didn't see Joel or Jeannet as I had hoped. I was happy to get home yesterday. The highlight of Évora was the Chapel of Bones in the church of San Francisco. Made from 5000 bones and skulls of monks. And there was also a decaying monk corpse hanging on the wall. The sign over the entrance says it all: "We bones that are here await yours." Great stuff! Those crazy Catholics!

3:30 pm

Forgot to mention: I called "the gang" at Matt and Elizabeth's shower from Faro last Saturday. It was great to talk to them. They were so stoned! Karen could barely even talk. Elizabeth was gushing with "We love you"s. Matt gave me directions to Sylvester and Louie's in Lisboa -- and I did find Louie. I knew it was his grocery store when I saw 4 or 5 guys standing around drinking inside! I don't know if he really remembered Matt or if he just said so. Doesn't matter. He offered me a drink and some cashews. An English woman there was able to translate a bit for me. Helpful.

8:50 pm

I've always had to write when I'm high because the thoughts that I have are so precious that I don't want them to get away. And I wish I could write faster -- shorthand! -- so I could record everything. I lose a lot of offshoot thoughts that are rocketing through my head while I'm struggling to write the original thought. Yes! Exactly! Like Right Now! My hand is falling off by going so fast, but the thoughts are overtaking it, leaving it fallen down in the dirt. How poetic. I'm listening to Juan Luis Guerra, writing, singing, dancing, thinking, learning. Thinking great thoughts about a big party with all of my friends from around the world. Everyone I know together. Reminiscing about all those times we've had. Wow. Does this mean I'm going to die?? My life is flashing before my eyes! Wow! I must be dead now. Well, that's just great.

8:58 PM
Wow. I miss getting stoned with my friends! Is that why I want to go back to Michigan? Just so I can get stoned with my friends? Hmmm. It is a pretty sound defense. Nuthin' wrong with that! Although I do enjoy getting stoned alone so I have time to record the thoughts. I wonder if De next door could hear me singing salsa earlier? A couple of weeks ago she told me she heard me singing in my apartment the previous Friday night. How embarrassing! How loud was I for God's sake? These are thick walls here. She must have heard me again tonight! I'm thinking of watching the "Masters of the Universe" movie, in Spanish of course, on TV right now.

9:06 PM
Oh man! Now I've been thinking of writing a TV script starring my friends -- stoned. It would be great! Well, I suppose the major networks wouldn't carry the program, but I could write it for a home entertainment video series. But, damn it, I lost the original thought again! I was at a welcome-back party telling them about my writing when stoned in Spain. I show them the journal I'm writing right now, saying that it has all my thoughts on life and on my life when I'm stoned. They look like, "Wow. That's really great. Look at the size of this. It's all the thoughts about your life when you're stoned..... Let's look at it!" It'd be Karen looking at it. Oh, this is all looping inside itself -- "like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel, never ending or beginning, on an ever-spinning reel." But there were even 4 or 5 thoughts within writing that sentence that were missed! Rocketing in my head again!

9:16 PM
Oh shit! And then I pass out copies of my "stories in Spain" while they're high and they read it and are dying! "It's a hit," I say to myself. Zoom in to an extreme close-up. It's the screenplay popping in again! Yes, I could do it! But I'd have to be high to write it! All the time! I'd have to be high to write. Tough life! I'm sure it's what many musicians and writers do or have done. Look at Hemmingway and his drinking. That's it! I'm a modern-day Hemmingway. Coming to Spain to write -- 60 years later.

9:24 PM
Now I'm listening once again to Juan Luis Guerra. "Ojalá que Llueve Café en el Campo" was the song. I was imagining a music video for it and then imagining me and my friends -- you know, the ones from around the world -- at this big party dancing and singing to "Tu Boca." Great fun! It all goes into the movie. The movie is in addition to the TV series. Two separate entities. Which first?

9:31 PM
Again! When

9:37 PM
Oh! major interruption! Annelies just came over. We talked about my leaving. How much stuff I have and that maybe she and Frank could take me to the airport. That would be nice! She's a good friend! I really think I'll come back here! I had been very neutral on my feelings the past weeks, but now it's leaning towards Málaga a little more heavily! So, of course, I lost that thought from 9:31! It was a good one, too. Another episode!

9:42 PM
Name for a salsa bar -- or band. "Dis Paradise."

9:44 PM
I just realized that Annelies is going over to Frank's awfully late. He has to work tomorrow! For sure, he'll be in bed. All this is going on while I'm making and eating tea and pound cake.

9:46 PM
Another thing! I was thinking how "tea and pound cake parties" could be the rage after the movie comes out. You know, cult-like, Twin Peaky stuff. Getting stoned, drinking tea and eating pound cake. They'd write about it in the underground social pages. Newspapers like "The Midnight Express!" Well, I think it's funny!

9:54 PM
I've got to memorize these words to "Tu Boca." I love it! What poetry!

10:04 PM
Now I'm thinking... I hope De doesn't hear the squeaking of my rocking chair and think it's the bedsprings. Don't want her to get the wrong idea! It certainly is interesting to see what I feel is important enough to stop what I'm doing and run to this journal to write down. I've been jamming to Juan Luis Guerra again.

10:11 PM
Teaching "Anti-Paranoia While High" classes. Dancing to "Ojalá..." Staying focused. Just enjoying the feelings of the song. Not thinking about how silly you might look to everyone else. It's another episode. "The gang" takes an encounter class together, a la Bob Newhart. Shit! There's Karen again, "What are you trying to say? That we're all paranoid or something?" Looking to someone else for support, "Is that what he's trying to say?" and getting a shrug from Richard. Expand on this sometime!

10:38 PM
I was thinking I need to call Matt tomorrow and tell him he'll be married in two weeks! Think he knows? I'm tired already. I was already lying in bed listening to "Tu Boca" trying to memorize it and trying to remember how to dance Salsa. Sevillanas, too! So much to learn in life!

10:44 PM
I wish I could hang from my feet right now. That would be helpful, I think. My body aches. Oh, I'm so old! Wow! Just realized that me, Jenny and Richard are the only single ones left. Karen, Matt, Elizabeth, Kim, Stu, Di, Linda and Julia. All married! Wow! Yeah, but I'm in Spain!

10:50 PM
Changed the music. Couldn't listen to that song over and over again. Now it's Louis and Ella -- a surprise selection over the venerable favorite, "Strange Angels."

11:11 PM
So I'm listening to Ella and Louis. And I'm concentrating on just the backing harmonies instead of the lead vocals. It's really incredible.

11:25 PM
I think I'm heading for bed now.

7:35 pm

Thought! "I Know.. A Man is Wrong" by David Byrne for a video for Matt and Eli. Ya see, I was going to get stoned and try to write a toast for Matt and Eli's wedding. I thought it'd be good for regression through our friendship, choosing just the right words for those special moments we've all had together. The 1216 Michigan Avenue stories. I have to include when we met -- over a 6E Holden Quiz Bowl competition. Shit. I was just thinking how great it would be to get my journal from then and read it. But I don't have "The College Years" here in Spain with me. I'll look through it from June 1985 on. That's what I have here. I'll have to wait until I get back to Detroit to write about the very beginning. (To finish a previous thought: "Ya see, I was going to get stoned and write a toast for Matt and Eli's wedding," and instead I decided to listen to some music. But the music I put on -- David Byrne's "Rei Momo" -- made me think of Matt and Eli. Which kinda brings this full circle.)

I must also add that I'm cooking so I'm constantly being interrupted by running to the kitchen. This may answer my question as to whether or not I could stay on one thought long enough when high to write a book or screenplay. I seem to think It'd come out better, but I think tonight is proving that it's impossible. I can't even write a toast for Matt and Eli's wedding! Too many other thoughts get in the way. I'm analyzing being stoned again, aren't I? I suppose so. It is pretty interesting. But how to interpret it? Very difficult.

I can't believe how stoned I am. I don't even know what's going on. I just know it's fun. I was just in the kitchen fixing to eat the pasta and tomato sauce with meat balls -- which I just ate a few hours ago. I thought, "Why am I eating this? I should be writing Matt and Eli's toast." Absolutely no focus. Maybe I overdid it.

Now I had to get up and change the music when it stopped. So many stimuli!

Oh, here's another thought. Forgot to mention that there was a thief in Annelies' bathroom tonight! I'll have to expand on that later! Meanwhile, I'm eating and changing the music. And the damn tape player has that annoying buzz! Life in Spain. It's funny here!

8:09 pm

Now I'm thinking whether or not I should go out tonight. Not! Right now I think I won't. I'd have to shave, take a shower, put in contacts. But it's so early yet. And I would like to talk to Joel. I should have called him today. I'm sure I'll change my mind a few times in the next several hours. Just like deciding my future. Back and forth, back and forth. Today, I was thinking, "Yes, I would like to come back to Málaga. Or at least Spain." But who the hell knows? There will be hundreds of influencing factors over the next few months. Where will I end up? Anyway, now I'm going back to Matt and Eli's toast. I'm going to read through my journal looking for tidbits. Oh, maybe I should mention this very thing! Looking back through the years through my written thoughts.

So I haven't read through the journal yet, but I have been writing some ideas on a toast. But I'm also getting very emotional. I probably couldn't say it at the reception without losing it.

8:30 pm

Shit. Now I was just washing dishes, going to the bathroom and dancing to Zouk music. When am I going to get back to Matt and Elizabeth's toast?

8:45 pm

I wish I had written more about Kim and Todd's wedding in my journal. I wrote nothing! All those great experiences with the truck driving off with the beer keg in the back, still dispensing. Playing cards on an incredible stormy night in a big old bed and breakfast. Matt, Elizabeth and I sleeping together -- a la Three Stooges. We also drove back home together. We talked a lot about not being in relationships. And how that was okay.

9:00

Man! I've been reading and writing about Matt and Eli. Now I've just arrived at... MEXICO! God, we've had some great times together! I hope I can express this in voice, print and video!

9:07

So now I've changed music again. "It's My Life" by Talk Talk made me want to include the opening line into the wedding video. Isn't this where we came in -- at 7:35? I've just been thinking how fun it will be to put together Matt and Eli's video. I just wish I had more time. And I'll be busy at work, so I won't be able to stick around late and edit. I'm listening to "Fun Tape #1" -- circa 1985. Very fitting for tonight's topic. Now I have to listen to every song I know and pick out lines to insert into Matt and Eli's video. It's part of the "script" I'm writing tonight. Between writing this -- and all the other shit I find myself doing -- I'm writing down ideas for a toast and video in another part of this journal. (I'm still really stoned!) I probably shouldn't be drinking, either. I have to be in a car all day tomorrow! Shit! I'm going to Portugal with 3 Frenchies tomorrow! I won't speak English -- NO ENGLISH -- for an entire week! Just Spanish and bits of Portuguese. Perhaps the only French I know, too. Bits and pieces. But NO English! Man, I hope it's okay. I'm pretty hesitant, but my attitude these days says, "Get back in there, boy!" So, I go for it! I do things so different from my life back in Detroit. Wow! I'm excited again! Wake up every morning and say, "Hey, I'm in Spain!" All experiences are positive, because even negative experiences result in great stories to tell! Mike and the Frogs do Portugal! Hoo boy!

9:30 pm

MAN! I'm stoned! I hope I can put this Matt and Eli stuff together. It was a lovely day today -- sunny and 82°. Sunbathed mostly. About 6:00 pm I was on my terrace and I heard Annelies shout, "Mike, come! There's a robber! A robber in the bathroom!!" I couldn't really grasp it all, but I grabbed my keys and ran down the stairs and around the corner -- in barefeet -- to Annelies' house. She was stammering that there was a man in the bathroom -- she didn't want to open the door. She couldn't defend herself, because she's been recovering from a motor scooter accident and can't use her left foot. So I go in -- to the bathroom door and throw it open while jumping back to a safer distance. The bathroom was empty -- the curtains blowing in the open window. I rushed to look out the window, but saw no one down the narrow, winding steps outside her window. He had retreated at the onset of her screams and was probably long gone by now. What had really confused me at first is that I thought she said "rubber." A rubber in the bathroom. Weird life here.

9:46

Here's something interesting in the struggle between staying in Detroit and going elsewhere once again.... Look at my journal in the first 14 years. And then look at the past 9 months. How many times I was down in those past years. But... How many times was I down in the past months? I really am happy almost all the time here. Life really is a lot more carefree! Frolicking! I'm a frolicking otter! I was just doing one of those Irish jig performance pieces that I sometimes do while stoned. This one was to "Free Nelson Mandela."

10:07

How long was it since I was going to read about Mexico? That was an hour ago and I haven't gotten around to it yet. Now I'm having pound cake and tea. Mmmm. Remember the ice cream and pound cake I had in the summer? Yummy. So I'm sitting here thinking about how much fun Matt and Elizabeth's wedding is going to be! I'm so looking forward to it all! Really into it!

10:39

Now I'm back to drinking beer and "The Specials" are on. I've been skimming through the journal. Yes, Mexico, but also the Road Poets. So many great times together. I like the way I'm thinking of putting together this videotape.

11:07

I want to start the video with Matt as Nathan Detroit in "Guys and Dolls." I hope Rosie has the videotape! I've been writing other thoughts and remembrances. I have to remember Karen's story of her family over during the holidays. It's such a great "video story." They were watching a videotape of themselves a year before at Christmas watching themselves many years before at Christmas. Her sister, I think, was watching herself on the original video (within last year's video) and said, "Oh, look at my hair!" and then in the video -- watching the original video -- she said, "Oh, look at my hair!" in the exact same tone. The funniest thing is they had been videotaping that night, but the camera wasn't on right then again.

11:38

I got a letter from John Zerfas! Yay! He told me about his great house-warming party. I wish I could've been there! And now he's going to Las Vegas. Without me! We had so much fun last year in Vegas! I'm already thinking about bed. And it's not even time to go out yet! I guess I'm definitely staying in! I'm going to Portugal in 12 hours. I suppose I should think about that. Get ready and stuff. I'm listening to "Road to Nowhere" and thinking of Karen and Rick's wedding video. That was great! Damn, I wish I could watch it right now. "Verdi Cries" by 10,000 Maniacs is on now. This song always makes me weep. Hauntingly mournful.

12:00

I could never be happy in Detroit. Maybe if I lived on the lakeshore. Possible.

Another "oh yeah." De told me today that Don Francisco, the landlord, offered her a few months free rent if she'd allow him to "come over" from time to time. I'm assuming she meant to have sex with him. She didn't seem terribly shocked. Actually, she said maybe she would have to consider it if he offered $2000 or something.

12:31

Shit. I'm really freaking out about this next week traveling without speaking any English. It should be good for me! Other tidbits from the day as I'm getting ready for bed... I turned all my underwear and white t-shirts lavender by washing a purple shirt with them in Annelies' washing machine. How stupid! Like when David ended up with yellow underwear from Annelies' green shirt washed with them. Also found out that Elisabeth missed her flight Wednesday -- again! It left in the morning. She hadn't called to confirm! Luckily, she got another charter soon after. "La tonta del aeropuerto." De and I had some discussions on Sinead O'Connor ripping up the pope's picture and De's life on the farm in Ireland. She talked about how her brother wants to inherit the family farm, which De thinks should be sold. Her father wants to sell, Mom wants to "keep it in the family." De said it kinda depends on who dies first! She's so blunt all the time!

1:06

I've virtually eliminated stress from my life here in Spain. Not completely, but nearly. Work was tense at times. And this impending trip. And the thought of going back to Detroit -- perhaps for good -- soon after I return from Portugal has me feeling panicky from time to time!

11:15 am

I had a nice time in Granada -- at least in the morning when the weather was nice. I went to the Alhambra and went through it with an American man I met there. He was a bit annoying, taking pictures and videos all the time, but it was nice to have someone to talk to. Then it rained and rained and I couldn't do a lot of walking around the town. I plan to go to Córdoba tomorrow and then Frank and I go to Portugal on Saturday for a week. Annelies hurt her leg and won't be able to join us. I'll miss her! I don't know if I'll enjoy Frank for a week. I do need to take advantage of the travel opportunity, however. Elisabeth leaves today. The "family" is breaking up.

1:45 am

So I just had a nice time getting drunk with Annelies. I really just went down at 10:30 pm to apologize for missing yoga class. She's really a special person. She's so funny! What a great storyteller! We were talking about responsibilities when you have children. How different it would be to be drunk or stoned. Then she'd say, "We don't have children," and would pour some more wine. And she talked about Spanish men. "Fucking bastards" as she says. We talked about cute Fran. And, yes, he is gay. Now I'll have to go to the gay bar Saturday. I will miss Annelies.

6:00 pm

So things change again. My old boss at BHSD called me today and said my old job is available immediately. I told her there is no way I could come back before Nov. 1, but I'm not even sure I want to do that. We'll see how much it would cost. It would be nice to be home for the election, though. I've enjoyed doing nothing today. It rained all morning, so I watched TV from my bed until 11:00 am. Then I visited with Annelies and Corinne a couple of hours and slept again a couple of hours. What to do tonight? Don't know yet.

11:20 pm

I haven't yet decided if I'll go out tonight. I "should" try to find Joel and Jeannet. If I knew people I know would be there, it'd be easier. But I don't feel like getting cleaned up and going out in the cold if nobody's there. And I've been content watching TV and reading my Spanish Tao book. Reading about fasting -- cleansing the colon. Not a bad idea for me with my cancer risk. I suppose I should take better care of my body. I still don't do my daily exercises like I should.

11:00 am

So! That was a nice Wednesday evening of thinking and writing I had there! I needed it. Today I'm going to Ronda and the lake and forest area around there with Annelies and Frank. We'll stay overnight. Should be fun -- traveling. We're also talking about going to Morocco at the end of October for a week. Great! We'll go to Marrakech and the south -- by car. Much better than the train. Last night I went to the Feria de Fuengirola with Beth and family. It was a nice change of pace. Went on the roller coaster with the kids. I was going to go out to Bolivia afterwards, but Annelies was coming back, sobbing, as I was leaving. So I stayed and talked to her instead. She's feeling an "autumnal depression," but I think relationship problems have something to do with it. I suppose it's good to just cry sometimes. I'm sure I'll cry when it hits that I'm leaving. I've decided to leave work the 15th so I can travel. And "think." So, with Monday a holiday, that's really only 3 more days of work! De moved in next door. We had a nice chat over breakfast. Too bad she wasn't there before. It's a nice day today, after the past few days being very cold and rainy. I've been daydreaming of buying a car, packing up my things and heading across the USA in January. Current plan, anyway.


11:30 pm

Where am I? In Ubrique with Frank and Annelies. We're having a good time -- although it took us 2 hours and 3 towns to find lodging. We went out tonight. Not much action here. And no restaurants! Plus, it's the eve of hunting season, so the locals are hyped. I do like the idea of bringing kids -- whole families -- to the bar. They really give special attention to the kids here. We're in a cute little pensión -- only $10 a night. God, I'd love to run a bed and breakfast. I really need to look into that! I feel pretty comfortable speaking Spanish with Annelies and Frank, too. Maybe I should return here in January! ¿Quién sabe? Matt and Eli should come here on their honeymoon. Lots of leather for sale, too.

3:00 pm

Bueno. Last night was fun. We invited Corrine and Elisabeth up for a beer. We smoked a little pot, too. Just hung out on the terrace a while. Then Annelies brought up some soup and we ate. Fernando came, too. Very nice. I guess I should invite people over more often, huh? Actually, it was David who invited Corrine up. He's staying through Thursday. And that's when Beth Chasco's coming. Busy, busy.

3:15 pm

So I've been bummed because I haven't had any mail lately. But I got a visitor instead! David's a friend of Jane and Jon's. Annelies told me of a guy who came to her door yesterday asking about me. Said he was a friend of Jane's visiting here. How fun! It was one of those cool spontaneous things. David and I rode bikes to Annelies's yoga class, but got lost, so we went for a beer instead. Then we met up with people from the class afterwards. Went to a small, funky restaurant for a bite to eat, then to Plaza de la Merced for another drink. I really like the Spanish couple from class. Very nice. Tomorrow, I'm going to the Expo! Things are slow at work, so it's a perfect time. Frank has Thursdays off, so maybe he'll go with me -- and drive. I'd rather spend the day alone going through the pavilions I want to at my own pace. But we'll see. I'd like to stay late, too. I may go to Morocco with David. Yeah, I know I'm not supposed to spend money! But I need to travel. I can't wait for Jenny.

4:00 pm

I actually kinda had fun at work today. And Herbert told me of plans to acquire studio space. Plus, this new guapo named Carlos is going to work with us. All sorts of possibilities. I just don't feel like working! Sigo luchando.


10:20 pm

I was just thinking about Saturday night. Four guiries -- an American, French, Dutch and German -- out on the town, speaking Spanish. How cool. My neighbor, María, told me she's seen the new guy who's moved in next to me sneaking around people's apartments. Makes me nervous. I guess I should close my windows and terrace doors when I leave. I never have before. It would be a drag to be ripped off.

10:30 pm

It's my usual Friday night getting stoned! I really enjoy it. And now, my plans for the future are wavering once again. Herbert's been telling me of all the work he has lined up. I think he wants me to stay. I've been thinking about it. And then Jenny called today! She's definitely coming in October, probably for three weeks. She really wants to move here, too. That would be so fun if she came! So maybe I can hold on at work. Until "reinforcements" come to rescue me! We would have a blast! Oh shit! I hate when things change so drastically, so suddenly! But it's always subject to change. I worked 9 1/2 hours straight today, because a project needed to be done today (then got pushed back to Monday anyway!) But I didn't mind it because I was feeling "challenged." And with the proposed projects in the future, I'll probably be challenged a lot more. And, you know, I'm feeling a little better with the language. I've been teaching Alberto how to edit and so have been speaking a lot. And last night at Bolivia, I talked a lot with Rosario from Argentina. She's really nice!

I'm watching a Spanish Johnny Carson show. The guest is a Spanish singer in full, huge lacy Sevillanas dress with fan.

1:04 am

Why am I always disappointed with myself? I never seen to live up to my expectations. I think that I should always push myself more. Do more things. Go out to the bar and meet people. It's as if quitting my job and moving to Spain wasn't "good enough." There's so much more to do yet. But I can't push myself that far that quickly. It really takes me a long time to build up my confidence in new situations. I'm always terrified when I start a new job. Can I do it? Again. It's not "good enough" that I got the job. Creo que es el tiempo escribir en español. ¿Por qué no? Yo puedo hacerlo. Y en esa manera, lo practicaré. No me ayuda cuando estoy escribiendo en inglés. Tracey Chapman todavía está en mis oídos. Me alegre que haya decidido escribir en español. ¡Aun sujunctivo! De was so funny last night with her Spanish -- her horrible accent! Whoops! Slipped! De estaba tan divertida anoche con su español -- ¡su accento terrible!

1:25 am

I alternately fantasize about living back in the U.S. with a really good job, perhaps still in Detroit, and frolicking on the Malagueñan beaches with Jenny! Both would be okay! I need a computer. I really want to write. It would be so much easier with a computer! I should think about saving money to buy one. It would give me a goal. A reason to "sacrifice" by not spending money. I wonder if I really could write. I should practice by describing the people I know here -- complete with one or two stories about them. Study their life-journey. People are so fascinating! So many unique stories.

So "writing" seems to be my pet project prospect this evening. Last week it was the Spaulding Gray movie or the "travel video." I'd have to learn to type! But I was just thinking of an "experience" to write about. I made it up. I can do that, too! It doesn't all have to be "true-life stories." Anyway, the storyline was my friends Joel, Helen and others coming over tonight and "forcing me" to go out. I complain that I can't -- I'd need to put in my contacts, shave, get dressed. So they physically dress me, shave me, etc. They really "force" me to go out.

2:00

I was just getting into "Romeo and Juliet" by Dire Straits. "Juliet, when we made love you used to cry," brings tears to my eyes. Why is that? I think about that intense love relationship that I've never experienced.

I was just thinking about Jenny coming. Yay! I wonder if we should rent a car for a week. Then we could go to Portugal and Morocco. I don't even know if she wants to travel a lot. She may just want to sit still and get to know the Spanish culture. That'd be fun, too! I was also thinking how I never really talked to Rosario before last night. I always had a negative impression of her. Why? Because of the crease in her forehead? Stupid!

6:30 pm

Uf. I went to Torreblanca yesterday to see Dave and Gitta. I had a nice time. Gitta and I had a chance to talk quite a bit. Dave's in Germany with Frank Zappa and plans to tour with Morrissey in October in Canada. Gitta told me about a crystal that Rita gave Dave. It seems to have helped them tremendously. Work has picked up. She told me how it "magically" appeared from England after Dave's drunken friend allowed it to be confiscated at the airport whilst delivering it from Dave's parents. It got to their mailbox -- without postage -- in one day. Strange things happen. Anyway, John, the film props guy and this cutie named Duncan, who's a cameraman on BBC's soap, "El Dorado" in Coín, were there. We talked a lot about life in Spain -- and about leaving it. There was also an older guy named Pat who I ended up going to bed with! I don't know how that happened! Should've been Duncan! Oh well. It was "an experience." Then I went straight into work this morning. I was so tired. Only stayed teaching Alberto until 1:00 pm. Then I slept all afternoon. Tonight I'm going to Annelies' yoga class! Should be fun. "An experience." When I read The Nation that Matt sent me, I get mixed emotions. I want to go back to the States and do radical things. The articles give me inspiration! But I also think, "Why go back to that shit?" Difficult. I have been enjoying life lately, although I've been feeling quite a void, too. I need a boyfriend.

3:10 am

I guess I shouldn't have forced myself to go out. I didn't have such a great time. Annelies and I walked to El Palo, met some friends of hers -- she knows so many people -- had some tapas and drinks. It was nice. She's a good friend. She said I "can't leave her." She also said that Bob was the nicest person she's met and thinks I need to pursue him. Maybe. He obviously needs more time. He hasn't written me! But then I made myself go out again at 1:00 am, although I was very tired. It was okay. I saw a lot of people I knew. But I was pretty bored, really. And tired. I didn't take a siesta today.

2:50 am

I wish I could write about tonight, but I'm too tired. Tomas being so sweet. "Coming out" to Helen and Joel. The incredible, but incredible meeting at work this evening. It was like a movie! But I'll have to catch up tomorrow.


2:50 pm

SHIT! What an incredibly intense 24 hours!! In no particular order.... I got paid!! Yes! $1000 -- actually 100,000 pesetas. So now I need to make a big decision. I still think I'm going to quit. I really don't want to continue. But the extra money would be nice. I still think I should continue past September 15th on a daily-paid basis. Earn a little more money, but make a commitment to leave. But I'll think some more on it this weekend. So anyway, last night at 9:00 I thought I'd never get the money. I was in a meeting with Bernardo, Andrés and Herbert thinking about what else I could steal and how I could cover my tracks. I'd have to get my working papers back. I was wondering how long it would be before they noticed the camera and two weddings missing. Herbert had just threatened to walk -- he actually got up and started collecting his things, saying, "You have my number." I thought, "Oh, shit, I'll never see that money!" But Andrés calmed him down. Bernardo had accused him (I think - all of this was in very rapid Spanish!) of over-estimating costs and keeping the extra money. He also said that Herbert hadn't done anything in 2 1/2 months. Herbert said Bernardo kept missing meetings, hadn't paid us or the phone bill. It was pretty ugly at times. I basically sat and watched. Like Europeans watching the Dream Team -- now knowing exactly what was going on , but MAN it was exciting!! I swear I was just giggling. What was I doing there anyway? Of all the spaces on earth, I was in that one. Life is fun! So it dragged on. Tempers were doused and we agreed on a plan for the future. "But wait," I finally got a chance to say. What about the present -- my money! They said they'd pay me today. And they actually did! Although I still had doubts until the very end!

After the meeting, I went to a party at cute, tall, blond, German Tomas' house with Joel and Helen. I had a great time. Tomas leaves today. Shame. Nice guy. Joel was being himself. He bought two huge steaks for us to grill -- and had to let me know what a great price he got from his butcher friend. He and Helen were really hitting it off. Actually, Tomas and I were, too. But he's leaving! Anyway! Helen and I (and sometimes Joel) were talking about discrimination -- racism and anti-gay/lesbian laws. I mentioned my involvement in gay/lesbian issues. Coming out slowly! So it was a really nice party. Then we went to Donde/Bolivia for a bit. Earlier, we had gone to Joel's place. It's his parents really. What a liar! Anyway, we swam in the pool on the hillside overlooking El Palo and the sea. Very nice. Joel, of course, was on his mobile phone the whole time speaking English, Dutch, Spanish and French. He really needs to try to impress people. Met his sister and her boyfriend and his parents. I didn't really care for Carrie. A lot like Joel. But her boyfriend, David, was fun. Although he made some comment about blacks taking over the Caribbean islands. WHICH they sail to with the charter company they work for. (Joel had told me his sister had a large yacht. It's not even hers!!) You know, Joel also mentioned -- he said it's a secret his father was privy to. Duh. -- that South Africa is going to have "one man, one vote real soon." Wow. Thanks. I'm impressed with that secret tidbit of current affairs. But he was bothered by it because "there will be problems with the end of white rule." Like there are no problems now! His parents seemed real cool. His mum has a pretty posh accent (as opposed to Carrie's pouty posh accent) And his dad's great. And while I was enjoying "the good life," I thanked God I didn't have their attitudes. But I was jealous of all the travel stories. Helen has been everywhere! How fascinating. So that was my past 24 hours. Too much!!

4:30 pm

Very suspicious again. Herbert's losing faith. He was complaining that he doesn't have any money, either. I now have the feeling I might be able to get another $300 or so from the weddings, but the money won't be there next Tuesday. Should I hang onto this camera for insurance? Yes! That, of course, would also mean that I can't travel. Hell, I don't know if i could stay through October. I got a letter from Matt today. Yea! He said I should be expecting a package soon. Yea! He told me that Kim Parfitt has been having a very difficult pregnancy. I need to write her, but don't have her address. I need to call Karen.


9:30 pm

Ran into Joel this afternoon. So we ended up going out for a drink. Then we went to get haircuts, but the place was full. Then we went over to Helen's, and Tomas was there, too. He invited us to his going away party tomorrow night. Cool. I decided not to go out to dinner with Joel and Helen tonight. I don't have the money, nor did I want to feel like odd man out. Joel's trying to get me to stay in Málaga. He said he'd take me to Canal Sur to introduce me around. And he said I should do independent productions. What is his story? Anyway, Helen's pretty interesting, too. She's been just about everywhere. But, you know, she seems a little "empty." too. Maybe she and Joel would be good together! But I haven't given up on him yet. Just going slowly as usual. Tomorrow we're going out on his boat! Yes! I'm enjoying this. The good life. So many cool experiences. I hope Jenny still comes to visit in October. She'd have a blast! Me, too!

2:45 am

Went to Puerto Banus tonight with Joel, Kasia and Helen (from Sweden - British Airways). It was nice. I had always wanted to go there. Very posh. Lambourghinis, Rollses, Porsches -- and the yachts! I wouldn't mind going there more often. Maybe I could "meet someone." Joel knows so many people. Yeah, he's got money. He said his uncle is the tennis coach for Yannick Noah. He mentioned that his sister has a huge yacht. He owns three cars, etc., etc. I really do hate the way he flaunts it. But he's good to hang around with. We spent the afternoon together, too. Went for a drink at the boat club. He made a point of talking (in French) real loud when he got a phone call. On the way to Puerto Banus, he called a friend. Had to play his car stereo LOUD! We looked at a BMW M3 and he argued with the salesman over the 4 million peseta ($40,000) price. But he's still pretty cute. And has lots of connections! So I'll stick around him. I think he got really pissed off at Kasia because she wanted to go home at 1:30. He had wanted to go to Oh Marbella. We went to a rather inexpensive Italian restaurant and then to a bar. I spent $38, but that included the girls' dinners. He's leaving tomorrow for a week again. Oh well. They didn't have the meeting at work on Tuesday. Mañana. But I stayed and edited a wedding anyway -- so we can collect the money from it. I'm thinking maybe I can hang on until Oct. 15th to earn more money. But, no. It's not worth it. They plan to move the office to Antequerra -- 150 km away -- in January. I've played along like I'll stay. But I won't. Must sleep now.

3:25 am

Fun Night! I went to the welcoming party at Club Hispanico. Talked quite a bit with María José. Then Joel showed up. We talked for a long time with Julian. They are both very interesting. And both have some pesetas stashed away. They were talking about importing cars, buying bars, going to Japan -- you name it. Good company I'm keeping! Then we went to Bolivia (on Joel's motorcycle) where we saw Kasia, Tomas and others. Met a Swedish girl, Helen, who looks like Meryl Streep, and works for British Airways. So Joel suggested that we all go to Marbella tomorrow. What the fuck. So I'll be poor! We went to Donde and danced a lot! Tomas is so cute. Must pursue! He's only here another 1 1/2 weeks! A good night.

12:15 am

I probably shouldn't have smoked. I have to get myself up and out to the bar. I do love reading my journal. I could cultivate some good stories from it and publish them. Not the whole thing -- some things are so embarrassing!


1:40 am

"On no, I drank too much..." I haven't drunk enough..." to the tune of "Losing My Religion." Actually, I didn't drink a lot, but that song was on my mind. I have to listen to it NOW!

Okay, so I'm listening to "Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead" first. I love jamming to music in my headphones. So. I saw Joel. We talked for an hour. Still can't figure him out. (I know. This sounds just like what I've written for 15 years!) Annelies thinks he's bi-sexual. And he did want to see me tomorrow. He offered to take Kasia and me to his tennis club to play. Then he asked if I wanted to go to Club Hispanico with him for their welcoming party. But he also mentioned that we should find a couple of dates and go to Marbella sometime. Floating along...

12:45 pm

Had breakfast with Annelies this morning. I think I could like not working! She told me how torn she is about her boyfriend, Manolo. I told her it's very natural. God knows I've gone through a lot of gut-wrenching emotions with guys in the past. It's nice to have someone to share emotions with.

2:30 pm

I feel I should write, write, write. So much to say. But I also feel I should sleep, sleep, sleep. Even though I didn’t get up until 12:30 today. Went to another disco -- Carambuco -- with Joel. I loved the music. A lot of my old college faves -- Talking Heads, the Cure, Dexy’s, Sugarcubes. But there was nobody there. Too bad. It’s a wonderful open-air disco out in the country. Beautiful setting. The Polish girl, Kasia, and 2 Germans and 2 other friends of Joel’s came, too. The German guy, Tomas, is rather attractive. Ay. Another fantasy lover. But he’s tall, short blond hair (I love that), well-built, nice smile. He’s a psychiatrist, 31 years old. Must pursue. I’ve been fantasizing about Joel, too. Gettin’ dangerous. He still talks, talks, talks, about girls, but the way he looks at me ... Aw, I’m gonna drive myself crazy! He’s so nice to me. I saw him at Bolivia Thursday. First thing he said was, “You blew the job of your life!” Seems he had been to Bolivia looking for me Tuesday and Wednesday nights. In fact, he brought the producer from Canal Sur with him! There was an opening for a camera/audio position. Joel said he even came to my apartment complex and called me at work. Couldn’t locate me. So they gave the job to someone else! $1800/month. Oh well. I’m being pretty philosophical about it. It just wasn’t “meant to be.” Maybe something else will come up. Joel’s going to London on Monday -- said he’ll look into what’s available. The BBC does a lot of shooting down here. I’m really feeling like I want to go back anyway. So it just doesn’t matter! I had expected to go out “for a drink” just to see Joel on Thursday. But he invited me to Oh! Marbella!, the exclusive disco in Marbella. Of course, I accepted! There were two other guys going, Kenny -- a Spanish guy, pretty obnoxious -- and a German named Uli. So we went over to Donde to find some girls to come with us. Que guay. Finally, after a 1/2 hour search and several rejections, two girls agreed to come. We had two cars. Joel wanted me to ride with him -- just the two of us. Makes you go, “Hmmm.” When we stopped for gas, I noticed the invitations on the dashboard -- Black and White Party (I was wearing jeans and a pink shirt, hadn’t put cologne or even deodorant on, looking scruffy -- really feeling like I’d fit in in Marbella!), and it said it was for August 18. Never mind that this was August 20. Oh well. I, of course, kept my mouth shut. I just wanted to see what would happen. So we drive the 30 miles to Marbella and arrive at this beautiful setting. At the door, the invitations were refused -- I’m having fun now. Luckily, Joel knew one of the workers. Apparently, he had brought some famous actors and producers there once, so he’s got some clout there. The place was gorgeous. Rather packed. Typical techno music on the dance floor inside. Outside, there was an incredible pool -- often used as a location for commercial shoots, says Joel -- surrounded by tables and chairs and a jazz band on stage. Very nice. There was also access to the beach. This was about 3:30 am when we arrived. We stayed about an hour. The girls danced, Uli danced a bit. I thought it strange that we had spent all that time tracking down these girls and then ignored them! I ordered a beer. Joel had told me it would be expensive, but I didn’t pay for it. Well, she never asked me! I had my 2000 pesetas ready! I’m so glad I didn’t pay. I’m so broke! So anyhow, we left and I was home at 5:00 -- after I had told myself, “2:00 at the latest.” Right. Joel and I did get a chance to talk a little on the drive. I’m becoming more and more attracted to him. He seems to like me, too. But keeps talking about girls. I say nothing on the subject. I think he was a little jealous when Kasia gave me her telephone number. We’re going to play tennis sometime. So when I have nights like these past two, I think, “Wow, I could really like it here.” But I do need to change my job situation. It’s just bringing me down! But the social life’s been bringing me right back up. I’m actually enjoying Donde/Bolivia! Because I’m meeting people. Why is that so hard for me to do? Joel is so good at it! I found out his mother is English, father is French and he was born in Malaga. He also works for a Dutch clothing company called Nomad. Damn interesting guy. Rafa came over last night. I was supposed to meet him and Kiko at Donde, but didn’t see them. Tengo que practicar mi espanol. I haven’t gotten any mail lately. Arrgh. I wonder if Steve has paid my Visa bill. I may need to dip into that account soon. Shit. I don’t want to spend the rest of my savings. But I don’t want to work either! People love my American accent! That’s nice. I haven’t gone back to the Feria. Too bad. It is kind of fun seeing people on horseback occasionally riding down the street or on the beach! Only in Spain. Only during the Feria!

3:00 pm

Listening to Tracy Chapman gets me down. Naw. Imagine that! I guess it reminds me of the time of life when I first heard it. Makes me think of "back home" and my friends. Yes, I think I'll be ready to go back in November. If not before. I was thinking of the elections. I'd sure love to be there to celebrate a Democratic victory! God, it would make me feel so much better about my country. About the direction in which it's headed. I was thinking more about living with Bob, too. Today I'm feeling that what I need is to be with Bob. I want to write him. Nothing syrupy or morose. Just honest. I stayed home today, because I pinched a nerve in my back and I'm pretty immobilized. Anneleis gave me a massage and that seemed to really help. But I’ve just been lying in bed all day. Sittin’ ‘n’ thinkin’. I had one of those strange chains of thought. I found myself wondering how to spell “Hozlo,” the British/Indian/Finnish guy. Why? Well, I had been thinking of whether or not I had written about him. I want “records” of everyone I’ve met here. I had been thinking of his friend, Reijo, and Barbara. I had thought of the time they stopped by my house on the way back from Aldi with two loaves of fresh, warm bread among their groceries. They had only asked for one, but since they couldn’t resist eating it so warm, they had almost eaten one loaf already and were glad they had another! I had been thinking how good that bread tasted -- because I’m hungry, and I had meant to get some bread at Aldi, but didn’t. Not too many jumps there, but still pretty weird. So I’ve been thinking that I really need to learn to play the guitar. I stayed in last night. First time in a while. I was going to cruise by Bolivia to see if Joel was there with job news, but I was too tired. Rafa came over. I didn’t go out with him and Kiko, either. Nor did I even go downstairs to talk for a while. So, should I “get involved” with Rafa? I’m not really attracted to him, but he is a nice guy. And I could certainly use some sex. It’s been a while. But then I think of Bob and his “dates.” And I get jealous. So I’m reading “Kindergarten” and one story is about eating at small cafes and diners. I think: wouldn’t that be fun? To travel across the USA? Meeting people would be easy -- they all speak the same language! Remember yelling, “Olly-olly-oxen-free!” when it was time to give up the hide and seek game and start over? Why did we say that?

7:00 pm

I wonder if my friends think of me often. I mean, I’m always thinking of Bob, or Matt and Eli, or Alyssa, or John. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to have all my music here. Or to watch ABC News every morning. Makes me think more of “over there.” You know, the more I think about going back, the more excited I get. Why? Running back or charging forward? A little bit of both? This has been a nice day of doing nothing.

8:40 pm
You know, I just got another idea. Maybe I should move to Denver. I have family there. There’s a good-sized gay community. There’s a Latino community for my Spanish. CU at Boulder is close by. The winters aren’t great, but it’s sunnier than Detroit. Another thing to ponder.


9:20 pm
Crazy neighbors. Anneleis told everyone I was sick and my back hurt. Matilde sent Danny up with and analgesic spray. She says it’s the change in the weather. (What change? It's still HOT!) Danny asked if I had a cough or if my lungs hurt. I said no, but he brought me soup anyway and said I shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Really, I just strained a muscle in the tiny shower stall! But it’s nice...

1:45 am

Hellos, good-byes. Good nights, bad nights. Said hello to Jeannet and Bek who are back in town again. Bek was bummed when he found out he just missed Andre. Whom I didn’t get a chance to really say good-bye to. The truck they were going to ride with didn’t go. So they were going to stay. Well, while I was at work, they decided to take the train. It’s okay. I hate emotional, long good-byes. I said good-bye to Yop, too. It was a long, drawn-out good-bye recalling the past, talking of the future, trying to find a pen and paper for addresses. I guess it kept me there long enough to see Bek, though. So it was a “good night” even though I didn’t see Joel. I knew several people there. But they’ll all be gone soon. Sometimes -- usually, now -- Bolivia/Donde are bad nights. I wrote a nice letter to Neil tonight. So many thoughts. Jeannet and I talked about how positive my experience has been, even if it hasn’t been “perfect.” Nine months -- or less, even -- may be long enough.

3:30 pm

Just sittin’ on the terrace -- thinkin’. Wrote some letters. Now I’m contemplative. Still thinking of quitting when I get paid. But I don’t think I will. I mean, I’m still only working 4 hours a day. It leaves me time to sit and think. Or to look for another job. If I quit now, I could probably make it to the end of September on the $700 I should be getting. I could spend another $1000 from savings to stay another month and travel a bit. That would just about deplete my savings, though. Or I could go back Oct. 1st. I wonder if I’d get my $500 back from my security deposit. I could work at BHSD until January, then take ESL and Spanish classes -- in some other city. Or I could come back to Malaga. I’d only want to came back if I had a job lined up. I wouldn’t want to go through all this uncertainty again. And I couldn’t afford it! But more likely, I’d stay in the States. Maybe I’m serious about going back to school in Fall ‘93. Instructional Technology? Spanish? ESL? Maybe something totally new that I haven’t really thought of yet. Something with travel, no? Or Linguistics. I think I could use some counseling. While looking back at my life I realized -- maybe for the first time -- that I didn’t really have a childhood. My mom was sick from the time I was 6 years old. That’s pretty heavy. I never felt really close to my family then. I still have a lot of walls even with my brothers and sisters. And especially w/cousins and aunts and uncles. Why is that? What’s blocking me? Am I really comfortable with my sexuality? Signals say no. Still not out to some people. Haven’t had serious relationships. But is it -- as Neil says -- just society’s view that we should all be in happy, loving relationships? It’s okay to march to a different beat. To develop your life as you see fit. Heck, yeah. I hate the heat during the day here. I’d love to go on a bike ride down the coast, but it’s still too hot. I need to sit on the beach and think. I miss Andre’s “All right, mate.” His pathetic attempt at sounding British. I met a Polish girl in Bolivia the other night. Actually, she lives in Munich now. I love sittin’ and thinkin’. I’ve been occasionally writing letters -- like a short note to Matt telling him how I miss “The Flintstones” -- or reading my journal, or eating something in between writing things down in here. Jolts my mind to all the little anecdotes of Malaga. Maybe I could write. I know, I could go live with Bob while I write my experiences -- maybe even compile my entire 15 years of my journal. That would be amazing. Sometimes I feel antsy. Like I “should be doing something!” Can’t even enjoy an afternoon of sittin’ ‘n’ thinkin’ without some guilt creeping in. Of course, I am doing something. Adjusting myself. Tinkering with the inner knobs and levers. Learning by reading, by writing, by observing. I’ve noticed that I can’t sit long without a million thoughts going through my head: I’d like to pick some almonds off that tree; why do flies like my feet so much; is it true that cicadas come up from the ground and make that awful August buzzing only on the last day of their lives; where are those busloads, but loads, of people coming from and going to; why doesn’t Malaga have -- or enforce -- a noise law -- the motorcycles are terrible!, could this fly be someone I know back on earth in another form -- he seems to be playing with me. All right, so they’re stupid thoughts, but I am doing something! And I’m reading “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.” Simple thoughts. That make you think more complex thoughts. So why am I antsy? Because I “shouldn’t” be alone? Because I “should” ride my bike? One thing I need to keep reminding myself is that I can’t do everything! Oh, but I want to! I feel I need to. Experience it all! I think I’m pretty well-balanced. The Libra in me. I do bits of this and a little of that -- but don’t do a whole lot of anything! Does that sum up my life, or what? I’ve lately been comparing my experience here with college life. My apartment is the size of a dorm room, I never feel like studying or going to work (classes), the social life revolves around drinking, it’s fairly easy to meet people -- superficially, though, “I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life,” blah. blah, woof, woof. It’s 6:00, it’s getting cloudy -- time for a bike ride!


7:30 pm

There are so many things that I still don't know. For example: why do fish occasionally jump out of the water? Is it fun? Are they trying to escape? I know salmon do it while spawning, but that's going upstream in a river. Makes sense. But right in the middle of the sea? I'm sitting seaside at a fairly deserted beach about 10 km. east of my house. A very peaceful evening. Strange that it's cloudy. Makes everything look so different. I could sure go for a good thunderstorm. But I doubt that will happen. It's rained one day in the past (at least) 7 weeks.

2:30 am

Man, I don't know about the future, but the present is pretty damn interesting! I ran into Joel at Bolivia tonight. We talked all night. He says there's a position open at Canal Sur and he'll talk to them about me tomorrow. Wot? Shit! It's that fast-moving train again. But what I hate is being artificial. I feel I have to "play the game" to see what might develop. He's such a materialistic person. Telling me that he pays $2000/month for his house, taking me home on his mother-fucker motorcycle. He asked if I'd be in Bolivia tomorrow night. I really hadn't planned to, but now I will be there, I'm sure. Play the game. Gotta do it. But I hate it!

9:45 pm

Reflections. Topsy-turvy are my feelings. I suppose it’s a result of both being Monday and Andre leaving. It has been a nice 3 weeks with visitors here. But I’ve also missed my “quiet times” like now. Time to reflect. To think. To dream. To explore myself. To listen to “They Might be Giants.” I need to write some letters. Matt told me that Karen’s brother died. How horrible. I couldn’t help thinking of her mother. To have a child die must be the worst thing. I’d rather write than call. Calling’s so emotional. I have to write Neil, too. He’s such a special person. I miss him! His letter really put me more at ease. He talked about fulfilling my dreams and getting yourself right with things before entering a relationship. How true. So I’m not as freaked out.