1:15 am

I do need these evenings alone. To reflect. I've been recalling the endings and new chapters of my life. Getting a bit emotional at times. I hate leaving my friends. But I've done it several times. After graduating from MSU. Going to Port Huron. Going to Spain. Why? Just work/opportunity? Or something more? What more? Maybe I should analyze more. I should see a therapist. Yes. I really should. I have a lot of unresolved emotions. I don't like my looks. I don't feel I'm very outgoing -- that people wouldn't want to be friends with me. Why do I think that? I have so many close friends. People like to be my friends. Why doesn't that sink in? What is it that I think I have to offer in a friendship? Or in a relationship? Something I don't have? ¡Que va! Okay, why do I hate my job? Because I'm afraid of failure. I don't trust my talents. I think that's it. Bottom line. The other reasons are fluff. Y'know, I had been thinking about the times in my life when I would pray to my mother to watch over me. I've never really "talked" to my father since he died. I should make a tape. Or I should just do it! Why do I feel I have to record everything? I feel the need to release my emotions. They're always so bottled up. Control. I try to stay in control all the time. That's why I like getting high. I lose that inhibition to control myself. Why can't I lose it whenever I want to? I can't go to work tomorrow. I have to get my life together!