3:45 pm

Been having too much fun! Andre, Jeannet and I went to the center last night and happened upon the Alhambra group. So we joined them for a wine and tapas tour. A nice evening. There was even a live Brazilian band at Salsa. I do appreciate having friends here. And in the States. Neil wrote me a great thought-provoking letter. And Matt called me today. I tried to explain 6 weeks of teetering about my future. I'm sure he's overwhelmed and confused. Good! So am I! But really, I've been very up lately. Positive Mental Attitude! I haven't seen Rafa in a while. Wonder what his deal is. No word on being paid yet. Lorenzo told me last night that Joaquin at Alhambra wants to talk to me about potential work. Here we go again! But I have to check it out. Possibilities.

3:50 pm

Well, I decided I'd better do something with these afternoons off, so I'm on a train to Alora. I'm not sure what's there. We'll see. I've been trying to be "introspective" lately. Trying to decide "what I really want." Obviously, I'm still in a state of transition, because what I want changes every day. I got a wonderful letter from Neil. He's so insightful. Told me I have to "pull myself together" before I start a relationship with Bob. Nothing new, of course. Just that it makes sense now. I also know that whatever decision I make, things will be fine. For the first time in a while, I'm thinking maybe I will return to Spain after November. I'm pretty sure my "time" here will not have been up yet, so I should return. I'm more and more excited about teaching English, too. Yes, some people tell me it will be hard to find something, but I have to keep in mind all that I've accomplished already! It was "an impossible dream," but I'm doing it! You can succeed, Mike! You have succeeded! So I'm heading for Alora. I hope I can get a train back before 8:00. I love this spontaneity. Why don't I do it more often? Stupid! I've thought a lot more about needing to be on my own more. It would be easy to run back to (or even call) my friends in Detroit. So who needs ease? Anyhow, I'm supposed to go out with Andre at 8:30. It's been nice having him here. Someone to "force" me to do things. But still... I need my time alone. But now I'm getting out of my rut. So much potential all around me. I'm going on an incredible journey. Into myself! Finding out about me! So many new discoveries waiting to occur. Teaching English. It would give me flexibility. I could do it anywhere in the world! And usually there are summers off to travel or visit friends and family. Makin' some sense now. I guess this is my current "thing." Let's see if I stick with it. I could pursue a certificate here in Spain. Or I could try without one for a while. Hell. I complain that I can't travel now. I don't have the time or the money. Fuck that noise! Of course I do. Make it work. So you eat bread for the next week. Spending the weekend traveling is worth it, ¿no? This Transitions book talks about un-learning things. That's so hard. To realize that there are other ways to do things. Other lives to live. Be reborn. Be a new you.

10:20 am

Yesterday was another see-saw day. So what's new? I came in to work and was bored, bored, bored. I started figuring money. Let's see. If I quit on Saturday when I get paid, or if I quit on September 15th.... Of course, if I quit, I'll be broke! Bottom line. I swear, I make a final decision to stick with it until November and then I go ahead and think about leaving sooner. Arrgh! Then I was re-reading Transitions. It's a very helpful book. It's nice to read it now, in another stage of transition. It calmed me a bit. Reminded me to enjoy the ride. And also that I'm not unique in my feelings. And what do I have to bitch about? Working 4 hours a day -- and reading a book most of that time! Herbert still says I'll be paid in full. Vamos a ver. Andre and his friend, Jeannet, came yesterday. It's so nice to see him. Yes, Mike, you do have friends! So then I was feeling pretty good. I got a postcard from Alyssa today. It would be great if she were here, but I can't see it working out that way. Jenny, too. Actually, I tried calling Jenny yesterday. Then I was glad I didn't get through. I need to stop whining to my friends. To myself, too. I just need to "pull myself together" while I'm here in Spain. And return to the U.S. a new, well-adjusted man.

1:15 am

I do need these evenings alone. To reflect. I've been recalling the endings and new chapters of my life. Getting a bit emotional at times. I hate leaving my friends. But I've done it several times. After graduating from MSU. Going to Port Huron. Going to Spain. Why? Just work/opportunity? Or something more? What more? Maybe I should analyze more. I should see a therapist. Yes. I really should. I have a lot of unresolved emotions. I don't like my looks. I don't feel I'm very outgoing -- that people wouldn't want to be friends with me. Why do I think that? I have so many close friends. People like to be my friends. Why doesn't that sink in? What is it that I think I have to offer in a friendship? Or in a relationship? Something I don't have? ¡Que va! Okay, why do I hate my job? Because I'm afraid of failure. I don't trust my talents. I think that's it. Bottom line. The other reasons are fluff. Y'know, I had been thinking about the times in my life when I would pray to my mother to watch over me. I've never really "talked" to my father since he died. I should make a tape. Or I should just do it! Why do I feel I have to record everything? I feel the need to release my emotions. They're always so bottled up. Control. I try to stay in control all the time. That's why I like getting high. I lose that inhibition to control myself. Why can't I lose it whenever I want to? I can't go to work tomorrow. I have to get my life together!

10:30 pm

I wanted to relate Friday night's activities. Gitta and I went out to dinner then met María José and some other friends at Casa del Conde. Then we went out to Bar Salsa for a while and danced. It was nice to see María José again. And going out with Gitta is always fun. Unfortunately, she drank a bit too much and got sick on the taxi ride home. We had to stop on the beach half-way home. We stayed there about an hour. She'd get sick, then sleep, then repeat. She kept telling me to go on and leave her. That she would be fine. Right! Passed out on the beach with her purse and all. I just sat tight. Finally, I got a taxi and we made it back to the campground this time. But just barely. How funny. Reminded me of Carnaval in Cádiz, of course. Andre and I getting sick and walking back to the car. Today I went on quite a long bike ride. It was so nice. I went east, past Rincón de la Victoria along the beach. A much less congested stretch of road than the 340 towards Torremolinos. And there was a decent breeze, so it wasn't too hot. Finally, after about 20 km, I saw a sign for Playa Naturalista. I thought it meant Nature Beach. It was a nude beach! Well, of course I stayed. Pretty interesting. But an awful lot of old naked men. There were a few families and couples, too. Both nude and un-nude. I was un-nude! I had planned to go swimming naked, but before I got the nerve, the waves got real big, so I didn't go in. Actually, I'd have loved to, but no one else was going in then, so I didn't either. I'll have to go back some time. The ride back was hell! A helluva head wind. But I survived. I really need to ride more out into the campo. Or just out to clean beaches! I started thinking that I should travel on my bike for a week around Andalucía. Those are the kinds of things I wanted to do! Fuck this work shit. I'm glad I went. I really needed that lift of doing something different. Of traveling! Andre arrives tomorrow. Another adventure beginning. Alyssa's friend, Karen, is supposed to be in Fuengirola starting Wednesday, but I don't know where exactly. I wonder what Dan Quayle will say about the presence of torch-bearing demons in the Closing Ceremonies of the Olympics. Against family values, I'd say! I'm reading the book Transitions again. I think it'd be good to read now -- 6 months later. Where am I in my transition?

// Now this is interesting. The athletes are staging a revolution. They've invaded the stage and are acting like hooligans. Ouch. Big black eye, folks. They're climbing up the sides, jumping up and down. I doubt the stage was built for this. Absolute disaster waiting to happen. How many people have died in stadium/stage collapses? And the world's best athletes? This is really scary.

11:50 pm

What a strange thing! Hearing the National Anthem after the basketball game instead of before. "El Dream Team" won the Olympic gold. Everyone wants to be part of the excitement. Take pictures. The coverage on NBC must be incredible! If the rest of the world is so thrilled by this team, what is the American reaction? It's probably like a national holiday there. Then again, maybe it's bigger here because of the Olympics being here and the novelty of the quality of the basketball played by these magicians. And Magic is the big story over here, too. But now the victory ceremonies are over and we're back to the studios of TVE2 with an interview of the Spanish gold-medalist in the 1500m. I doubt NBC has that! They're probably spending another hour on post-game stuff. Kinda like the NBA finals. And it is live there -- only 5:50 pm. Perfect timing. NBC must have arranged the finals time. I must admit that TVE2 must have more complete coverage than NBC. It's been 24 hours a day of Olympic coverage for 15 days. That's pretty darn amazing! I came home at 4:30 am, turned on the TV and watched a replay of the table tennis finals. Betcha NBC didn't have that, either! It's been a great media experience watching the Olympics from a Spanish point of view. "The Home Team." In two senses: the host country and the local country. Like L.A. in '84. But it's funny that I wasn't in the U.S. for those Olympics. I was in London! What an incredible spectacle it has been. God, I'm so glad I bought this TV! I've really watched a lot of these games. I'm going to miss it! (I can't believe they're still interviewing this runner -- too long!) I like the way they cut from whatever event is happening to coverage of the victory ceremonies of the Spanish medalists. And they have been pretty amazing with their gold medals. When I felt it was getting too Iberian, I flipped over to the Moroccan channel to watch their coverage. It was mostly the same feed without the Spanish bent. And they didn't talk so much. But when they did, it sounded funny! It's a strange station. Right now, they have an orchestra of white-robed fez-heads playing Arabic music. I mean, you don't see this in the U.S. Not even on public access. Okay, you'd see similar stuff on channel 62 sometimes! Arab Voice of Detroit. That's what it's like! Surreal. Anyway, they usually speak in Arabic, but occasionally it's French. One commercial will be one language, the next will be the other. And, Oh-My-God!, the production quality! I've caught a couple of soap operas. The lighting, the sets, the acting! Horrible! There's a job for me! Improving production quality of Third World television programming! Can you believe I'm still watching this Arabic music program? I have the headphones on, so I can hear it very well and I can walk around the room. No! It can't be! It's a Moroccan youth chorus singing, in English, or something vaguely similar, "The Answer is Blowing in the Wind." With full orchestra -- okay, strings. But this band is fez-less. Okay, now they're singing some French song. I don't think I can stand much more of this. So now I've turned back to the late-night re-cap of today's Olympic events. Watching the Americans' World Record 4 x 400 meters. And the javelin and Women's High Jump finals. Now it's an interview with the mayor of Barcelona. Bien. I can watch a bit of the Malagueñas '92 festival on Canal Málaga. Basically, a public access-type local channel. They often have interview shows -- with those same public access plastic plants! -- and badly-lit terrible acoustical local music presentations. She's really getting into this song. I do like the emotion of Spanish traditional music. This reminds me of the journal we had to keep on British media when I was in London for Mass Media study. I should've gotten high and written it. Would've been more insightful, I'm sure. I could write a lot about Spanish media. But it's so tiring to write so much. I wish I had a computer. I'm thinking about how much I'd like to write about. I haven't even written about last night yet! But it's time to take a break. I do need to write more. But I need to get high to do that. No wonder so many writers are drunks! Okay, I can't stop yet. I'm watching a lesbian sex scene on Canal Sur. I mean, totally naked and graphic. I must say I even find it a bit erotic. But what the hell is this doing here? And are they going to give equal time to the men? Oh, here's a hetero scene. And the guy's not even very attractive. Now, Canal Sur, Andalucía's regional station, usually shows more cultural programs. Lots of music. From 7 - 10 every morning, they have "Tele-Expo." a tri-lingual Expo infomercial giving info on the day's events. Interviews, entertainment, weather from Expo. During the evenings, there are occasional bullfights or Sevillanas. But no, tonight it's a goofy 70s sex movie! Now there's a black woman in a gold lamé bikini rubbing her crotch as she watches the hetero couple roll around and have sex on the lawn. STOP!

// 125,000 people were at Camp Nou for the Olympic soccer final tonight. An incredible game. And won by the home team with a final seconds goal. Amazing. I'm watching another Olympic highlights show on another station. A privatized national channel -- Antennae 3. There's a recap of The Dream Team's presence here in Spain. Incredible publicity. Magic did some appearance "for the kids" at a Barcelona Toys R Us. Weird. But it was a top story on the evening news. Wow. Spain has 13 gold medals. Great. Here's a replay of the archer (from Málaga) who shot the Olympic fire up to the torch at the Opening Ceremonies. And wasn't Prince Felipe so cute carrying the flag? Okay, back to "Playboy Tonight" on Tele-Cinco -- another privatized station. It's a nude beach photo session, This playmate is the daughter of a playmate from 1960. I think they're showing "Cruising" now. I don't think I'll like this. But I'll watch it.

5:40 pm

Boing. Down again. And I had even been mildly up yesterday. Didn't have to work in the afternoon, so I went to Torreblanca. Went to the beach -- the water is so clean there, and the beach is less crowded. Even managed to scope out a couple of guys. Then I visited Dave and Gitta in Torreblanca. It was busy and very hot, but nice. I met this guy, John, who works props for films here in Spain. We had a nice talk about politics and music and such. I need friends like that. God, I should move down the coast. I think I'd be happier. After running to catch the last train -- like always -- I ended up back home at 12:30 am and I showered and ate. Then Annelies came by for a visit. I was 1 1/2 hour late meeting Gitta at Bolivia, but we sat and talked and talked. Then we went to Donde and danced and danced. I'm so glad I wore my shorts! I guess I was pretty drunk by the time I got home at 4:00 am.

I almost didn't make it into work today, but I managed. But that's when it started. God, I hate my job. I want something where I don't have to think! And it's so damn hot! So I started thinking again about quitting and finding something else. (Sounds easy!) And thinking about Bob. The part that got me really down was when he said he's been dating a few guys. I really didn't need to hear that right now. It really sent my emotions into a tailspin. Once again, I wonder what the hell I'm doing here. Unstable emotions. You know, I've been thinking -- again -- of writing Dad's story. Or Maude's story. I told Gitta the story of Maude and my travels last night. Got me excited again about that. About travel. About feeling alive!!