10:20 am
Yesterday was another see-saw day. So what's new? I came in to work and was bored, bored, bored. I started figuring money. Let's see. If I quit on Saturday when I get paid, or if I quit on September 15th.... Of course, if I quit, I'll be broke! Bottom line. I swear, I make a final decision to stick with it until November and then I go ahead and think about leaving sooner. Arrgh! Then I was re-reading Transitions. It's a very helpful book. It's nice to read it now, in another stage of transition. It calmed me a bit. Reminded me to enjoy the ride. And also that I'm not unique in my feelings. And what do I have to bitch about? Working 4 hours a day -- and reading a book most of that time! Herbert still says I'll be paid in full. Vamos a ver. Andre and his friend, Jeannet, came yesterday. It's so nice to see him. Yes, Mike, you do have friends! So then I was feeling pretty good. I got a postcard from Alyssa today. It would be great if she were here, but I can't see it working out that way. Jenny, too. Actually, I tried calling Jenny yesterday. Then I was glad I didn't get through. I need to stop whining to my friends. To myself, too. I just need to "pull myself together" while I'm here in Spain. And return to the U.S. a new, well-adjusted man.
Tuesday, August 11, 1992
Monday, August 10, 1992
1:15 am
I do need these evenings alone. To reflect. I've been recalling the endings and new chapters of my life. Getting a bit emotional at times. I hate leaving my friends. But I've done it several times. After graduating from MSU. Going to Port Huron. Going to Spain. Why? Just work/opportunity? Or something more? What more? Maybe I should analyze more. I should see a therapist. Yes. I really should. I have a lot of unresolved emotions. I don't like my looks. I don't feel I'm very outgoing -- that people wouldn't want to be friends with me. Why do I think that? I have so many close friends. People like to be my friends. Why doesn't that sink in? What is it that I think I have to offer in a friendship? Or in a relationship? Something I don't have? ¡Que va! Okay, why do I hate my job? Because I'm afraid of failure. I don't trust my talents. I think that's it. Bottom line. The other reasons are fluff. Y'know, I had been thinking about the times in my life when I would pray to my mother to watch over me. I've never really "talked" to my father since he died. I should make a tape. Or I should just do it! Why do I feel I have to record everything? I feel the need to release my emotions. They're always so bottled up. Control. I try to stay in control all the time. That's why I like getting high. I lose that inhibition to control myself. Why can't I lose it whenever I want to? I can't go to work tomorrow. I have to get my life together!
I do need these evenings alone. To reflect. I've been recalling the endings and new chapters of my life. Getting a bit emotional at times. I hate leaving my friends. But I've done it several times. After graduating from MSU. Going to Port Huron. Going to Spain. Why? Just work/opportunity? Or something more? What more? Maybe I should analyze more. I should see a therapist. Yes. I really should. I have a lot of unresolved emotions. I don't like my looks. I don't feel I'm very outgoing -- that people wouldn't want to be friends with me. Why do I think that? I have so many close friends. People like to be my friends. Why doesn't that sink in? What is it that I think I have to offer in a friendship? Or in a relationship? Something I don't have? ¡Que va! Okay, why do I hate my job? Because I'm afraid of failure. I don't trust my talents. I think that's it. Bottom line. The other reasons are fluff. Y'know, I had been thinking about the times in my life when I would pray to my mother to watch over me. I've never really "talked" to my father since he died. I should make a tape. Or I should just do it! Why do I feel I have to record everything? I feel the need to release my emotions. They're always so bottled up. Control. I try to stay in control all the time. That's why I like getting high. I lose that inhibition to control myself. Why can't I lose it whenever I want to? I can't go to work tomorrow. I have to get my life together!
Sunday, August 9, 1992
10:30 pm
I wanted to relate Friday night's activities. Gitta and I went out to dinner then met María José and some other friends at Casa del Conde. Then we went out to Bar Salsa for a while and danced. It was nice to see María José again. And going out with Gitta is always fun. Unfortunately, she drank a bit too much and got sick on the taxi ride home. We had to stop on the beach half-way home. We stayed there about an hour. She'd get sick, then sleep, then repeat. She kept telling me to go on and leave her. That she would be fine. Right! Passed out on the beach with her purse and all. I just sat tight. Finally, I got a taxi and we made it back to the campground this time. But just barely. How funny. Reminded me of Carnaval in Cádiz, of course. Andre and I getting sick and walking back to the car. Today I went on quite a long bike ride. It was so nice. I went east, past Rincón de la Victoria along the beach. A much less congested stretch of road than the 340 towards Torremolinos. And there was a decent breeze, so it wasn't too hot. Finally, after about 20 km, I saw a sign for Playa Naturalista. I thought it meant Nature Beach. It was a nude beach! Well, of course I stayed. Pretty interesting. But an awful lot of old naked men. There were a few families and couples, too. Both nude and un-nude. I was un-nude! I had planned to go swimming naked, but before I got the nerve, the waves got real big, so I didn't go in. Actually, I'd have loved to, but no one else was going in then, so I didn't either. I'll have to go back some time. The ride back was hell! A helluva head wind. But I survived. I really need to ride more out into the campo. Or just out to clean beaches! I started thinking that I should travel on my bike for a week around Andalucía. Those are the kinds of things I wanted to do! Fuck this work shit. I'm glad I went. I really needed that lift of doing something different. Of traveling! Andre arrives tomorrow. Another adventure beginning. Alyssa's friend, Karen, is supposed to be in Fuengirola starting Wednesday, but I don't know where exactly. I wonder what Dan Quayle will say about the presence of torch-bearing demons in the Closing Ceremonies of the Olympics. Against family values, I'd say! I'm reading the book Transitions again. I think it'd be good to read now -- 6 months later. Where am I in my transition?
// Now this is interesting. The athletes are staging a revolution. They've invaded the stage and are acting like hooligans. Ouch. Big black eye, folks. They're climbing up the sides, jumping up and down. I doubt the stage was built for this. Absolute disaster waiting to happen. How many people have died in stadium/stage collapses? And the world's best athletes? This is really scary.
I wanted to relate Friday night's activities. Gitta and I went out to dinner then met María José and some other friends at Casa del Conde. Then we went out to Bar Salsa for a while and danced. It was nice to see María José again. And going out with Gitta is always fun. Unfortunately, she drank a bit too much and got sick on the taxi ride home. We had to stop on the beach half-way home. We stayed there about an hour. She'd get sick, then sleep, then repeat. She kept telling me to go on and leave her. That she would be fine. Right! Passed out on the beach with her purse and all. I just sat tight. Finally, I got a taxi and we made it back to the campground this time. But just barely. How funny. Reminded me of Carnaval in Cádiz, of course. Andre and I getting sick and walking back to the car. Today I went on quite a long bike ride. It was so nice. I went east, past Rincón de la Victoria along the beach. A much less congested stretch of road than the 340 towards Torremolinos. And there was a decent breeze, so it wasn't too hot. Finally, after about 20 km, I saw a sign for Playa Naturalista. I thought it meant Nature Beach. It was a nude beach! Well, of course I stayed. Pretty interesting. But an awful lot of old naked men. There were a few families and couples, too. Both nude and un-nude. I was un-nude! I had planned to go swimming naked, but before I got the nerve, the waves got real big, so I didn't go in. Actually, I'd have loved to, but no one else was going in then, so I didn't either. I'll have to go back some time. The ride back was hell! A helluva head wind. But I survived. I really need to ride more out into the campo. Or just out to clean beaches! I started thinking that I should travel on my bike for a week around Andalucía. Those are the kinds of things I wanted to do! Fuck this work shit. I'm glad I went. I really needed that lift of doing something different. Of traveling! Andre arrives tomorrow. Another adventure beginning. Alyssa's friend, Karen, is supposed to be in Fuengirola starting Wednesday, but I don't know where exactly. I wonder what Dan Quayle will say about the presence of torch-bearing demons in the Closing Ceremonies of the Olympics. Against family values, I'd say! I'm reading the book Transitions again. I think it'd be good to read now -- 6 months later. Where am I in my transition?
// Now this is interesting. The athletes are staging a revolution. They've invaded the stage and are acting like hooligans. Ouch. Big black eye, folks. They're climbing up the sides, jumping up and down. I doubt the stage was built for this. Absolute disaster waiting to happen. How many people have died in stadium/stage collapses? And the world's best athletes? This is really scary.
Saturday, August 8, 1992
11:50 pm
What a strange thing! Hearing the National Anthem after the basketball game instead of before. "El Dream Team" won the Olympic gold. Everyone wants to be part of the excitement. Take pictures. The coverage on NBC must be incredible! If the rest of the world is so thrilled by this team, what is the American reaction? It's probably like a national holiday there. Then again, maybe it's bigger here because of the Olympics being here and the novelty of the quality of the basketball played by these magicians. And Magic is the big story over here, too. But now the victory ceremonies are over and we're back to the studios of TVE2 with an interview of the Spanish gold-medalist in the 1500m. I doubt NBC has that! They're probably spending another hour on post-game stuff. Kinda like the NBA finals. And it is live there -- only 5:50 pm. Perfect timing. NBC must have arranged the finals time. I must admit that TVE2 must have more complete coverage than NBC. It's been 24 hours a day of Olympic coverage for 15 days. That's pretty darn amazing! I came home at 4:30 am, turned on the TV and watched a replay of the table tennis finals. Betcha NBC didn't have that, either! It's been a great media experience watching the Olympics from a Spanish point of view. "The Home Team." In two senses: the host country and the local country. Like L.A. in '84. But it's funny that I wasn't in the U.S. for those Olympics. I was in London! What an incredible spectacle it has been. God, I'm so glad I bought this TV! I've really watched a lot of these games. I'm going to miss it! (I can't believe they're still interviewing this runner -- too long!) I like the way they cut from whatever event is happening to coverage of the victory ceremonies of the Spanish medalists. And they have been pretty amazing with their gold medals. When I felt it was getting too Iberian, I flipped over to the Moroccan channel to watch their coverage. It was mostly the same feed without the Spanish bent. And they didn't talk so much. But when they did, it sounded funny! It's a strange station. Right now, they have an orchestra of white-robed fez-heads playing Arabic music. I mean, you don't see this in the U.S. Not even on public access. Okay, you'd see similar stuff on channel 62 sometimes! Arab Voice of Detroit. That's what it's like! Surreal. Anyway, they usually speak in Arabic, but occasionally it's French. One commercial will be one language, the next will be the other. And, Oh-My-God!, the production quality! I've caught a couple of soap operas. The lighting, the sets, the acting! Horrible! There's a job for me! Improving production quality of Third World television programming! Can you believe I'm still watching this Arabic music program? I have the headphones on, so I can hear it very well and I can walk around the room. No! It can't be! It's a Moroccan youth chorus singing, in English, or something vaguely similar, "The Answer is Blowing in the Wind." With full orchestra -- okay, strings. But this band is fez-less. Okay, now they're singing some French song. I don't think I can stand much more of this. So now I've turned back to the late-night re-cap of today's Olympic events. Watching the Americans' World Record 4 x 400 meters. And the javelin and Women's High Jump finals. Now it's an interview with the mayor of Barcelona. Bien. I can watch a bit of the Malagueñas '92 festival on Canal Málaga. Basically, a public access-type local channel. They often have interview shows -- with those same public access plastic plants! -- and badly-lit terrible acoustical local music presentations. She's really getting into this song. I do like the emotion of Spanish traditional music. This reminds me of the journal we had to keep on British media when I was in London for Mass Media study. I should've gotten high and written it. Would've been more insightful, I'm sure. I could write a lot about Spanish media. But it's so tiring to write so much. I wish I had a computer. I'm thinking about how much I'd like to write about. I haven't even written about last night yet! But it's time to take a break. I do need to write more. But I need to get high to do that. No wonder so many writers are drunks! Okay, I can't stop yet. I'm watching a lesbian sex scene on Canal Sur. I mean, totally naked and graphic. I must say I even find it a bit erotic. But what the hell is this doing here? And are they going to give equal time to the men? Oh, here's a hetero scene. And the guy's not even very attractive. Now, Canal Sur, Andalucía's regional station, usually shows more cultural programs. Lots of music. From 7 - 10 every morning, they have "Tele-Expo." a tri-lingual Expo infomercial giving info on the day's events. Interviews, entertainment, weather from Expo. During the evenings, there are occasional bullfights or Sevillanas. But no, tonight it's a goofy 70s sex movie! Now there's a black woman in a gold lamé bikini rubbing her crotch as she watches the hetero couple roll around and have sex on the lawn. STOP!
// 125,000 people were at Camp Nou for the Olympic soccer final tonight. An incredible game. And won by the home team with a final seconds goal. Amazing. I'm watching another Olympic highlights show on another station. A privatized national channel -- Antennae 3. There's a recap of The Dream Team's presence here in Spain. Incredible publicity. Magic did some appearance "for the kids" at a Barcelona Toys R Us. Weird. But it was a top story on the evening news. Wow. Spain has 13 gold medals. Great. Here's a replay of the archer (from Málaga) who shot the Olympic fire up to the torch at the Opening Ceremonies. And wasn't Prince Felipe so cute carrying the flag? Okay, back to "Playboy Tonight" on Tele-Cinco -- another privatized station. It's a nude beach photo session, This playmate is the daughter of a playmate from 1960. I think they're showing "Cruising" now. I don't think I'll like this. But I'll watch it.
What a strange thing! Hearing the National Anthem after the basketball game instead of before. "El Dream Team" won the Olympic gold. Everyone wants to be part of the excitement. Take pictures. The coverage on NBC must be incredible! If the rest of the world is so thrilled by this team, what is the American reaction? It's probably like a national holiday there. Then again, maybe it's bigger here because of the Olympics being here and the novelty of the quality of the basketball played by these magicians. And Magic is the big story over here, too. But now the victory ceremonies are over and we're back to the studios of TVE2 with an interview of the Spanish gold-medalist in the 1500m. I doubt NBC has that! They're probably spending another hour on post-game stuff. Kinda like the NBA finals. And it is live there -- only 5:50 pm. Perfect timing. NBC must have arranged the finals time. I must admit that TVE2 must have more complete coverage than NBC. It's been 24 hours a day of Olympic coverage for 15 days. That's pretty darn amazing! I came home at 4:30 am, turned on the TV and watched a replay of the table tennis finals. Betcha NBC didn't have that, either! It's been a great media experience watching the Olympics from a Spanish point of view. "The Home Team." In two senses: the host country and the local country. Like L.A. in '84. But it's funny that I wasn't in the U.S. for those Olympics. I was in London! What an incredible spectacle it has been. God, I'm so glad I bought this TV! I've really watched a lot of these games. I'm going to miss it! (I can't believe they're still interviewing this runner -- too long!) I like the way they cut from whatever event is happening to coverage of the victory ceremonies of the Spanish medalists. And they have been pretty amazing with their gold medals. When I felt it was getting too Iberian, I flipped over to the Moroccan channel to watch their coverage. It was mostly the same feed without the Spanish bent. And they didn't talk so much. But when they did, it sounded funny! It's a strange station. Right now, they have an orchestra of white-robed fez-heads playing Arabic music. I mean, you don't see this in the U.S. Not even on public access. Okay, you'd see similar stuff on channel 62 sometimes! Arab Voice of Detroit. That's what it's like! Surreal. Anyway, they usually speak in Arabic, but occasionally it's French. One commercial will be one language, the next will be the other. And, Oh-My-God!, the production quality! I've caught a couple of soap operas. The lighting, the sets, the acting! Horrible! There's a job for me! Improving production quality of Third World television programming! Can you believe I'm still watching this Arabic music program? I have the headphones on, so I can hear it very well and I can walk around the room. No! It can't be! It's a Moroccan youth chorus singing, in English, or something vaguely similar, "The Answer is Blowing in the Wind." With full orchestra -- okay, strings. But this band is fez-less. Okay, now they're singing some French song. I don't think I can stand much more of this. So now I've turned back to the late-night re-cap of today's Olympic events. Watching the Americans' World Record 4 x 400 meters. And the javelin and Women's High Jump finals. Now it's an interview with the mayor of Barcelona. Bien. I can watch a bit of the Malagueñas '92 festival on Canal Málaga. Basically, a public access-type local channel. They often have interview shows -- with those same public access plastic plants! -- and badly-lit terrible acoustical local music presentations. She's really getting into this song. I do like the emotion of Spanish traditional music. This reminds me of the journal we had to keep on British media when I was in London for Mass Media study. I should've gotten high and written it. Would've been more insightful, I'm sure. I could write a lot about Spanish media. But it's so tiring to write so much. I wish I had a computer. I'm thinking about how much I'd like to write about. I haven't even written about last night yet! But it's time to take a break. I do need to write more. But I need to get high to do that. No wonder so many writers are drunks! Okay, I can't stop yet. I'm watching a lesbian sex scene on Canal Sur. I mean, totally naked and graphic. I must say I even find it a bit erotic. But what the hell is this doing here? And are they going to give equal time to the men? Oh, here's a hetero scene. And the guy's not even very attractive. Now, Canal Sur, Andalucía's regional station, usually shows more cultural programs. Lots of music. From 7 - 10 every morning, they have "Tele-Expo." a tri-lingual Expo infomercial giving info on the day's events. Interviews, entertainment, weather from Expo. During the evenings, there are occasional bullfights or Sevillanas. But no, tonight it's a goofy 70s sex movie! Now there's a black woman in a gold lamé bikini rubbing her crotch as she watches the hetero couple roll around and have sex on the lawn. STOP!
// 125,000 people were at Camp Nou for the Olympic soccer final tonight. An incredible game. And won by the home team with a final seconds goal. Amazing. I'm watching another Olympic highlights show on another station. A privatized national channel -- Antennae 3. There's a recap of The Dream Team's presence here in Spain. Incredible publicity. Magic did some appearance "for the kids" at a Barcelona Toys R Us. Weird. But it was a top story on the evening news. Wow. Spain has 13 gold medals. Great. Here's a replay of the archer (from Málaga) who shot the Olympic fire up to the torch at the Opening Ceremonies. And wasn't Prince Felipe so cute carrying the flag? Okay, back to "Playboy Tonight" on Tele-Cinco -- another privatized station. It's a nude beach photo session, This playmate is the daughter of a playmate from 1960. I think they're showing "Cruising" now. I don't think I'll like this. But I'll watch it.
Friday, August 7, 1992
5:40 pm
Boing. Down again. And I had even been mildly up yesterday. Didn't have to work in the afternoon, so I went to Torreblanca. Went to the beach -- the water is so clean there, and the beach is less crowded. Even managed to scope out a couple of guys. Then I visited Dave and Gitta in Torreblanca. It was busy and very hot, but nice. I met this guy, John, who works props for films here in Spain. We had a nice talk about politics and music and such. I need friends like that. God, I should move down the coast. I think I'd be happier. After running to catch the last train -- like always -- I ended up back home at 12:30 am and I showered and ate. Then Annelies came by for a visit. I was 1 1/2 hour late meeting Gitta at Bolivia, but we sat and talked and talked. Then we went to Donde and danced and danced. I'm so glad I wore my shorts! I guess I was pretty drunk by the time I got home at 4:00 am.
I almost didn't make it into work today, but I managed. But that's when it started. God, I hate my job. I want something where I don't have to think! And it's so damn hot! So I started thinking again about quitting and finding something else. (Sounds easy!) And thinking about Bob. The part that got me really down was when he said he's been dating a few guys. I really didn't need to hear that right now. It really sent my emotions into a tailspin. Once again, I wonder what the hell I'm doing here. Unstable emotions. You know, I've been thinking -- again -- of writing Dad's story. Or Maude's story. I told Gitta the story of Maude and my travels last night. Got me excited again about that. About travel. About feeling alive!!
Boing. Down again. And I had even been mildly up yesterday. Didn't have to work in the afternoon, so I went to Torreblanca. Went to the beach -- the water is so clean there, and the beach is less crowded. Even managed to scope out a couple of guys. Then I visited Dave and Gitta in Torreblanca. It was busy and very hot, but nice. I met this guy, John, who works props for films here in Spain. We had a nice talk about politics and music and such. I need friends like that. God, I should move down the coast. I think I'd be happier. After running to catch the last train -- like always -- I ended up back home at 12:30 am and I showered and ate. Then Annelies came by for a visit. I was 1 1/2 hour late meeting Gitta at Bolivia, but we sat and talked and talked. Then we went to Donde and danced and danced. I'm so glad I wore my shorts! I guess I was pretty drunk by the time I got home at 4:00 am.
I almost didn't make it into work today, but I managed. But that's when it started. God, I hate my job. I want something where I don't have to think! And it's so damn hot! So I started thinking again about quitting and finding something else. (Sounds easy!) And thinking about Bob. The part that got me really down was when he said he's been dating a few guys. I really didn't need to hear that right now. It really sent my emotions into a tailspin. Once again, I wonder what the hell I'm doing here. Unstable emotions. You know, I've been thinking -- again -- of writing Dad's story. Or Maude's story. I told Gitta the story of Maude and my travels last night. Got me excited again about that. About travel. About feeling alive!!
Thursday, August 6, 1992
12:50 am
The yellow half-moon hangs over the city like a Lucky Charm. I took a walk down to the beach and sat on the rocks watching and listening to the waves crashing in. Didn't want to go out tonight. Gitta's in Marbella anyway. Actually, I had planned to take a bike ride, but I got to watching the Olympics and "Some Like it Hot." I swear I won't watch as much TV after the Olympics! I've been studying Spanish a little bit. And I've been doing push-ups and sit-ups. I feel a need to improve myself. So much potential, Mike. Don't forget that! So much to do yet. Don't give up. Don't be discouraged. Fortune favors the bold!
The yellow half-moon hangs over the city like a Lucky Charm. I took a walk down to the beach and sat on the rocks watching and listening to the waves crashing in. Didn't want to go out tonight. Gitta's in Marbella anyway. Actually, I had planned to take a bike ride, but I got to watching the Olympics and "Some Like it Hot." I swear I won't watch as much TV after the Olympics! I've been studying Spanish a little bit. And I've been doing push-ups and sit-ups. I feel a need to improve myself. So much potential, Mike. Don't forget that! So much to do yet. Don't give up. Don't be discouraged. Fortune favors the bold!
Wednesday, August 5, 1992
12:30 am
I just had the greatest stoned experience. I guess María's weed is pretty good after all. I was listening to They Might Be Giants' "Apollo 18" CD with the headphones on. Sitting in the cool breeze on the terrace, dancing around the apartment with the lights off and only boxer shorts on. I was really getting into the music. Funny stuff! I don't know why I hadn't really listened to it before. So, on comes this song "Fingertips." Could be the ultimate stoned song. I have to make a tape for Matt and Eli and include this song on it. Maybe I could incorporate all the zany lines from it into a letter. Then when they listen to the song, they'll really be freaked. "What's that blue thing doing here?"
The other day on the beach, I was thinking of a toast for their wedding reception. Thinking of including our discussions on "being alone in life" on the drive back from Kim and Todd's wedding. And something about the relationship between friendship and love. Shit, I forget the words I had thought of. It was really good! Made me cry on the beach! I've got to get myself out the door to Donde/Bolivia.
I just had the greatest stoned experience. I guess María's weed is pretty good after all. I was listening to They Might Be Giants' "Apollo 18" CD with the headphones on. Sitting in the cool breeze on the terrace, dancing around the apartment with the lights off and only boxer shorts on. I was really getting into the music. Funny stuff! I don't know why I hadn't really listened to it before. So, on comes this song "Fingertips." Could be the ultimate stoned song. I have to make a tape for Matt and Eli and include this song on it. Maybe I could incorporate all the zany lines from it into a letter. Then when they listen to the song, they'll really be freaked. "What's that blue thing doing here?"
The other day on the beach, I was thinking of a toast for their wedding reception. Thinking of including our discussions on "being alone in life" on the drive back from Kim and Todd's wedding. And something about the relationship between friendship and love. Shit, I forget the words I had thought of. It was really good! Made me cry on the beach! I've got to get myself out the door to Donde/Bolivia.
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