4:15 am

I had such a good time tonight. But I must admit, I'm glad to be home in bed now. ¡Que sueño! Elisabeth yelled up to me at 11:00 pm and asked if I wanted to go out with her and other neighbors. I had been planning to go out, but I didn't know if I'd go to the gay disco or Donde or not. We went to a flamenco concert in El Palo. It was fantastic! I guess I'd have to compare it to American blues. Torch songs, really. Lots of emotion, and the audience really gets into it. Rafael, the friend of Kiko and Danny, was there, too. We talked all night. In fact, I spoke nothing but Spanish all night. How fantastic! Afterwards, we went to a small bar near here. A very nice night. I didn't spend any money, either! Tonight I felt I was really absorbing the Spanish culture. I think Elisabeth and I were the only guiries at the flamenco. Rafael's a nice guy. Maybe there's romance in the future. The really cute guy that lives next to Fernando was there, too. I thought he was British, but he's Spanish! Didn't seem gay tonight. At least now I can talk to him. The older woman above Annelies, Matilde, was there, too. We've always exchanged "holas" but never really talked before. This is a great neighborhood. I'm feeling so much better about "things" right now.

2:20 am

I had to write. Not that I could sleep, what with all the clanging. I guess the Virgen de Carmen is returning to her church. What a surreal night. A mini-Semana Santa. Now I'm sitting in bed, listening to Ella and Louis as I try to record everything. So I took a bike ride to El Palo this evening to buy some UM-2 (C) batteries for my speakers. I came across a large throng of people lining the streets. I ran into 2 girls I knew, Christiana and I can't remember the other one's name. They said it was some procession for the patron virgin of the fishermen. Yeah, right, whatever. Anyway, Lorenzo and Ingeborg from Alhambra Instituto were there, too. I stuck around for the mini-procession. The Virgin was hoisted by about 40 guys. Little girls dressed in their flamenco dresses were all around. I heard they were transporting the virgin to a boat, but I didn't wait to witness the final outcome. I had batteries to buy! However, on the way back home, I ran into "Jeckel and Hyde" De. (You never know if she'll be hot or cold.) This time she was very talky. I told her of my shit going on at work. A German couple she knows stopped to chat with us also. Then we noticed a gathering of people all around us. And before we knew it, there again was the virgin herself! How did she get to Pedregalejo? Anyway, this time I did stay to see her loaded onto the rowboat, flowers and lights adorning it. Other boats, similarly decorated, lit the evening with red flares, and fell in behind the Virgin on a nautical journey. I went home. Around midnight, I went back to El Palo, where there was a band playing out beyond the carnival that was set up on the beachfront. Oh, how I love carnivals! I thought of the Blue Water Festival! Algodon dulce! Anyway, I ran into Yop and his father. He left soon because they're going to Expo in Sevilla tomorrow. I loved watching the little girls dancing the Sevillanas. Incredible. I have to re-learn how to dance that! After a very frustrating 10 minutes of trying to get a beer (I hate having to learn how to be RUDE!), I went to Donde. Along the way, I couldn't help noticing all the activity at the restaurants and the little kids still going strong at 1:30 am. Spain! The stamina of Spaniards is incredible.

(Had to take a short break to "Raid" the bugs.)

So then I ran into De and Ingra at Donde. De was pretty rude to me. I'm not sure what her problem is. I saw Manolo there, too. He remembered that I had gone home to mi país, but thought it was Germany - and then half a dozen other European countries before I told him I was American. He was surprised. I don't sound like an American, he said. He's probably comparing me to De. She is a true embarrassment hearing her speak Spanish! So anyway, on the way home from Donde I ran into the Virginal procession again. Men marching with oars. Some really strange stuff. Along the beachfront restaurants were occasional shrines to the virgin. The processioneers would yell out, "¡Viva la Virgen de Carmen!," and the crowd would yell, "¡Viva!" "¡Arriba la Virgen de Carmen!" "¡Arriba!" Then they would mumble something very quickly and everyone said, "Guapa. Guapa. ¡Guapa, guapa, guapa!" in a chant-like fashion. So many stimuli here!

// "Moonlight in Vermont" is playing. It's almost 3 am and I have to work tomorrow! 'Night! Hey! I think I needed this day. It picked me up out of my depression. (Somewhat)

// I have to credit De with a good line tonight. All night we've been hearing loud blasts of fireworks, but couldn't see anything. De and I were yelling to each other from our terraces. She said it's typical Spain, "You hear it, but you don't see it." Yeah, they promise you the world, but rarely follow through.

10:00 pm

Stoned again, naturally. Stoned Alone! The current films playing in my mind. I got stoned with Herbert at work. Not "out of your mind" stoned. But enough. He's a really interesting guy. He's from Uruguay. He's a drummer in a jazz band. Lives down the coast in Marbella. I think he's a friend of Jesús Gil, the politician. Seems like there's a lot of past lives in him. Anyway, I wish I could talk to him more. So much of what he says to me I miss. I got paid today. Only $800, not $1400. I'll have to fight for that money. It's what we agreed to. Herbert says I'll get paid $800/month at most. I'll have to think about finding other work. I was so depressed today. I want to get out of Spain. Don't know where I'll go exactly. I called Matt today, while stoned. I said, "Matt, I'm stoned!" He whispered, "I'm at work!" I said, "That's the best part, so am I!" I miss having my friends to hang out with. Lonely, lonely. Yeah, I'm in Spain. So what? I'm not with my friends! Wait a minute. I think Herbert told me that one month out of the year, he does nothing but sit and smoke 3/4 kilo of pot. Now, I did some rough calculations. Is that an ounce a day? He sounds like he has a good life. // I'm reading about such fun things, such as (I think) John Sununu getting booed off the Democratic Convention floor while working for CNN. Funny stuff. People seem to think the Dems have a chance. The party's over for George Bush. They have been, of course, going directly to the center with the platform. Don't rock no boats now! But, they need to do what they need to do to get elected. Then they can change their minds like all good politicians.

GOD, I LOVE MUSIC! I have Laurie Anderson in my ears! I haven't really jammed with my music much yet. I still don't have batteries for the speakers I bought for the CD player. I've been using the little speakers, but now I have the headphones on! Great. I'm sitting on the terrace. This should be paradise, Mike. You can make it paradise, y'know. You just have to "get back in there, boy!" Experience life. Remember Maude! Oh, yeah! That's right. Donna had asked me if I were able to contact her. She said that Maude would love to know what I'm doing. True. I wish I could contact her. Man, you can hear so much more music when you have speakers in your ears. Or when you're stoned. But BOTH is almost musical overload! I probably shouldn't have it on so loud. My ears are bad enough already.

Shit. I could be in Minneapolis tomorrow night picking up the NFLCP award for BHC. But that's half-a-world and a lifetime away from me now. Sad in a way. "What next, Big Sky?" I know a lot of people envy me. But they don't know about the down side. The lonely times. The frustrating time!

11:00 pm

I'm still feeling very confused about the job and all. Still haven't gotten my check. ¡Mañana! Yeah, yeah. Maybe I should still look into freelance opportunities. Somewhere I can make some real money. Maybe further down the costa. Of course, now would be the time. Tourist season. Vamos a ver. I just want things to keep falling into my lap. I didn't work this afternoon. Nothing to do! So I went to the beach instead. That would be the life. Working from 9 - 2:30. Or perhaps 3 - 9 pm. I am getting used to taking a siesta in the afternoon. It's going in to work twice a day that I don't like. Oh, I found out that basically, Mitchell and Andrés are out. Great. Maybe Mitchell and I could start a side business. There's still teaching English. Ingra, one of the Dutch girls, is teaching English! That should be easy enough. Time to diversify. I miss Annelies. She's still in Holland. I've been extremely anti-social lately. Not doing nothing with no one. I took a bike ride around town tonight. Into some really nice areas -- Miramar and Limonar. Looked like Beverly Hills. I rode along the beach and saw the moon rise over the sea. How romantic. How lonely.

12:30 am

Let's see. Last night I went to a dinner party at Pinky and James'. They're part of Annelies' extended circle of friends. Yeah, I felt out of place most of the time. I'm overwhelmed by big crowds. I couldn't really participate in the conversations. But later, when there were only 5 of us, it was much easier. I could really talk to people then. It was nice. Pinky, who's a 60 year-old man from Pakistan, made a great international meal, including curried beef, rice, and Indonesian fried shrimp things. I talked quite a bit with Fernando, the lawyer (Fernando Abogado), who lives in my apartment complex. Found out with some certainty that James is gay. I haven't talked to Kiko and Danny yet. Went to Torremolinos today. I love the gaudiness of the place! I ran into Yop at the train station. I need to invite him over to get high. Soon. I'm writing 25 - 30 postcards. I had a pretty nice, lazy day. I have no idea what's going on at work this week. I need my check! I talked to Bob yesterday. He's not coming back. He's fallen back into that world of "reality." House, work, family. He won't be able to pull away. I think of him all the time. I'm pretty much being a loner lately. I don't know why that bothers me. Well, yeah I do. I complain about being lonely and I don't make an effort to get to know people. To risk more. I've been reading "Video Night in Kathmandu," and really getting an urge to travel in Asia for 6 months or something crazy like that. Crazy? Moving to Spain was "crazy." It's certainly do-able. I have to get Jenny here. That would be cool.


10:50 pm

God, I love it here. And I hate it here. I'm sitting on the terrace. Under the full moon. The lights of the city and the mountain towns in the distance to my right. Drinking beer. Eating dinner. I stopped several times along the beach on my ride home tonight. Incredible, the beauty here. The colors. I wished I had had my camera, but why? It could never be captured in a picture. The mountains, the sea, the moonlight, the sunset. Indescribable, really. But what am I thinking of now? Leaving. About how I could transport all my stuff back to the States in November when I go back fro Matt and Elizabeth's wedding. Of how disappointed Jenny would be.

Herbert and I went out for a beer after work today. He told me I can not expect to earn what Mitchell told me I would. I should be lucky to make $800/month. Yes, I could live on that, but my balloon was burst. All the fantasies I had of "making it big." I guess it's not all for naught. There are still many positives. I guess what hurts is that Mitchell's not being honest with me. I suppose I can't get attached to people. He helped me out. But now, it looks like he's out of the picture. Cast him aside. Take up with the winners. Herbert is a winner. I do like his no-nonsense style. He knows how to work with people, and how to work with the system. So, now I don't know what to think. On the one hand, I'm deeply disappointed. But still, things are so much better than I had envisioned before coming here. They still want me to work there. So it might be hard work, long hours and little pay. But what the hell did I expect here in España? So chin up, mate! You don't have to retreat in November. You can stay here, making decent money if you want. If you're willing to work for it! That's just it. I so wanted it all to just happen to me. I don't want to work! I want the dream to be real!

Change subject. I loved it when I went to Torremolinos yesterday. They got new trains on the Málaga-Fuengirola run. So touristy. LED message boards that display the time, temperature and upcoming station (although it's often wrong - Spain!) in Spanish and English. Vivaldi playing on the speakers! Tinted windows! Too funny. Not at all as I remember. I do love Torremolinos. The way I love Las Vegas. So much going on. Something for everyone!

2:00 am

I had to write. Too many stimuli! You could do quite a case study of this area. From.... The two British guys in the last apartment on the left. They arrived -- one bringing an overnight bag. On my way out, I noticed a candle in the bedroom window and low voices. I wish I had lingered! On the way back, perhaps I did walk by slowly and perhaps I temporarily stopped, just beyond the window, long enough to hear the word "relationship" amongst the low, gravelly rumble, but not quite long enough to hear the gender of the pronouns. To.... Bar Donde. A place that I've been to dozens of times in the past 5 months, the last time being a month ago. I was shocked to recognize not a soul, except the workers. Not even anyone I've seen before. Amazing the turnover rate here. I stayed for a beer and eavesdropped on the basic language groups. English seemed to predominate, edging out Spanish as it usually does. But there still seemed to be a strong German contingent lurking about. I was aloof, alone, just soaking up the atmosphere of this trendy international hotspot. Children of conservatism mingling under the patio palms, discussing such hot topical tropical topics as how hot it was today, what time shall we hit the beach tomorrow, and have you learned that damned subjunctive tense yet?? Yes, pretty as a postcard, and just about as deep. Inside, the ubiquitous fat chicks, excuse me, chicas gordas were getting down to "Good Stuff" on the dance floor. Encircling the bar and in small groups of three, were the singles and singles with couple friends, trying a different approach. Haven't mastered Spanish yet? Shut up and dance! Moving on to.... Walking along the beach. Tried to call Bob, but all circuits were busy. "Spain!" he spat. The moonlight on the Mediterranean, rippling through the unusually warm night. The ubiquitous (can you use that word twice in the same journal entry?) The ever-present couples kissing on the benches along the beach. Magical, really. Why are some people blessed with such beauty? I guess the same reason some people themselves are blessed with beauty. Hmmm. Anyway. Along the main drag -- Juan Sebastián Elcano, the place where real Spaniards like to hang -- hanging they are. Onto each other, out of doorways of cars and bars. So many people! Where do they all come from? What do they do for God's sake? Professional partiers? And finally.... Here alone in my little studio apartment. Well at least it's bigger than De's. I think De's getting a little fed up with my good fortune. "I don't believe it," she says to me. "You go off to America and come back and find a place just like that." I reminded her that 5 weeks ago we were both putting off looking for a place to live. Figured it would all work out in the end. And here we end up neighbors once again! De, teaching English classes, has had to struggle a lot since she came here in January -- about the same time as me. When I tell her about the great job I found the first time I looked in the paper, the friends back home offering me their cars and homes for my visit, the apartments I've found by fate, she says through a clenched smile, "How lucky you are!" I had gone to the apartment manager before I left, inquiring about a place that was becoming vacant. He said I'd have to take my chances on whether it might be available when I came back. Annelies advised me to go ahead and take the apartment -- and pay an extra three weeks' rent -- to assure I would have a place on my return. I rolled the dice and won. Meanwhile De moved in to the smaller apartment, with the hopes of looking at the other (my) place when it was available. I walked in one step ahead. Well, she does pay a little less. Small consolation, I suppose.

Backpedal! So here I am, writing on my apartment terrace, on a hill above the noise of the busy street with the expanse of the Mediterranean beyond. So much happens here! One half-hour excursion results in so many tastes of life. Actually, I was already lying on my bed, so close to closing the day, at 1:00 am. By 2:00, I had gotten cleaned up and dressed, walked out into the candy store of life, experienced a little of this and a whole lotta that, and retreated back into my observation post once again. Just another story of the night.

4:00 pm

Man, I get so lazy. Blame it on the heat. I haven't been working a lot these past days. Not much to do. But I still haven't been paid, so I haven't been able to buy the things I need. And I haven't been cleaning. Haven't gone to the beach. Haven't gone out at night. What the hell have I been doing? I don't know, but I'm kinda enjoying being lazy. I've tried calling Bob a couple of times with no luck. Shit, I miss him. I don't know what the job prospects are for Jenny or Alyssa, but I hope something works out with someone. I met this British guy, David. We haven't talked much. I need to visit Danny and Kiko more. De visited yesterday.