11:50 am

I feel like I'm wrestling with demons. Once again, I'm torn. Haven't yet heard the results of today's meeting, but I'm so pessimistic. I think I should walk out now -- before tomorrow's wedding if I'm not paid. Or on Monday. But the fact is, I need that money. So I'm stuck, aren't I? Does the "principle" outweigh the economics? If I work until the 15th at least I'd get some money. That just makes sense. Then I could fuck 'em. Rent is due next week. I don't think I can withdraw from Visa for another 2 weeks. Stuck. No, of course I'm not really. Annelies could lend me money. There's MasterCard, too. But this really sucks having this weigh on my mind all the time. It was nice talking to Corrine and Annelies about it. Corrine says she had a great job in Holland, a house, a boyfriend, a Mercedes. But she left it. And now she's struggling. But for her, it's worth it. I just don't know if it's worth it for me. She says she has no regrets. Well, I don't have regrets for coming here, just maybe for staying now. If I stay now, I mean. Up to now -- no problem. But now I'm doubting more. I think of calling Matt, but then Laurie Anderson sings, "I don't need anybody's help, I'm gonna get there on my own." So anyhow, as always it boils down to money, doesn't it? But doesn't getting paid -- on time, in full -- also represent respect? I don't like not being respected. I don't like being "used." It batters the self-esteem.


10:10 pm

I'm gonna eat eggs tonight. Wow. I think I'm stoned. I'm so mad I left my journal at work. How stupid! But I have to write on something. I got "paid" with hash today. Hah! Not bad. Shit. I'm stoned. I'm so mad that I'll have to transcribe this. I hope nobody comes over. I want to be alone right now. I have to remember to call Paul's surprise birthday party tonight. No way! I don't think I'll be able to leave this apartment tonight. I really wanted to go to Bolivia to see if Tomas is there. Maybe I will. It's not late yet. Best time to go is 12:30 -- two hours from now. Strange hours -- especially in the summer. Many businesses close for the day at 2 or 3. Many are closed completely for the month of August. Vacaciones. But people don't eat dinner until midnight -- the beachfront restaurants are packed until almost 1 am. And they don't go to the bar until that time or later. Night life continues until 8 or 9 am. Really! I wish I had gone back to the Feria again last week.

10:35

I can't believe what I just "had to do" and how much I accomplished. I'm so stoned I decided to close the door and lower the blinds and put on the headphones, because I didn't want anyone to stop by. I couldn't deal with having to speak -- Spanish -- right now. So I saw the eggs. I guess I should explain that prologue. I was making hard-boiled eggs. Now I'm confused. I thought I just did this egg thing during the door/blinds episode. But I see I wrote about the eggs before that trip. Anyway, I'm so stoned I'll need to eat something and since the eggs are available, I thought I'd probably end up eating them although it doesn't sound so good to me right now. I do have some ice cream. That and brownies....the all-time best thing to eat when you're colgado. It's good to study these things. I'm listening to "Mammals" by They Might Be Giants. So many inputs. I'm trying to write about the past and I keep getting interrupted by the present! But these songs are so fucking weird! I love it! I just fall into it. It's inside me. We're one! "The Statue Got Me High." But that's one of the things I did during this descanso to withdraw into myself. I put on this CD. I was going to listen to the tape of Poi Dog Pondering, but the Sinead O'Connor side is at the beginning. I couldn't wait for it to rewind, and I just wasn't in a Sinead O'Connor mood right now. Know what I mean? Yeah, I thought so. So what I did with the eggs is put them into cold water. ("Spider" So fucking weird! In my head. "Get rid of. Must stop. He is our hero." Why does that make so much sense right now? Zongo! It's like spider is the marijuana. No. No.... Yes! "He is our hero!") Wow. I was just reviewing that entire "Spider" episode again. I was pretending to act it out -- a la Spaulding Gray. Storytelling. How I would tell it to a group. Now I'm just trying to review that last thought. And I'm so fucked up that I can't. Just can't! I have this music in my head and I can't concentrate. They're talking about salivating dogs. "Good dog." It's so confusing. Too many stimuli. What time is it now? 10:56. I just wrote for 20 minutes. Well, I was interrupted by thinking from time to time! The present taking over from the past. Time Wars! Off the map. That's where I am right now, Like that time I was in the corner of the ceiling at Matt and Eli's during the Super Bowl. I was right there in the corner of the ceiling. Now I'm off the map. I don't know this song. No words. Oh, that's no fun!

10:59

This sounds Madness-like. "The Hall of Hats" "The Hallowed Head"? What is it called? "The Song of the Hall of Heads," I think. I don't have a clue. Am I going to be able to go out tonight? Doubt it! Peligroso. Spines aren't straight! They're supposed to be curved. That's from "Which Describes How You're Feeling All The Time." "Dots and Lines" sounds mod-ish. There are no limits to music. You can go anywhere. Even off the map. Work. Jerk.

11:09

"A paper-white mask of evil." I was just storytelling again. Imagining videotaping this trip. It could be edited. And win some avant-garde film festival. Really! Hmmm. I mean, where do these things come from? All these far-out ideas were thoughts just like this once. But some are realized. I'm writing too fast. No. Not fast enough to record all this. And now it's "Fingertips." I have to get lost in it. Oh! I can't believe it! "Mysterious whisper." "What's that blue thing doing here?" "I don't understand you." "I'm havin' a heart attack." Stop writing!

11:16

That's a fantastic song. Incredibly performed. Reality -- sprung forth from fantasy. Just made that up (and I'm pretty proud of it, thank you.)

11:18

I'm out of music. Oh man! What I meant to write back at 11:09 was that I ate an egg already! How did I forget that? The present heaving aside the past again. I was just thinking again of the videotaping idea. And thinking that I couldn't do it. How embarrassing! But didn't MTV recently videotape the home life of seven young adults for several months? I think that's fantastic. I'd love to see it -- if it's real. Not acting. Several of those people were performers. I wonder if they "acted" their home-life for three months. Checking every movement, every emotion. Arrgh. How horrible that would be! Everything you do! No way. It's a hoax. They didn't really record everything. Man. TMBG is over, but now I'm hearing "Please Don't Go" from the disco down the hill. Loud. Strong wind. At 11:18 I had meant to get up out of this chair. I haven't yet. It's 11:26.

11:29

That was tough! Picking out music to play. But I decided finally on "Songs for Europe," a compilation tape I made before last year's trip. Very nice choice. Strong, yet fruity. I want to sit on the terrace, but I still can't face anyone. I'm gonna have another egg.

11:33

What is it you're supposed to put in hard-boiled egg water to make the, easy to peel? Vinegar? Am I high?

11:35

Here's Laurie Anderson's "Monkey's Paw." She's so good to crawl inside. Nothing meant by that. Well, yes, something, but not that! Time for some ice cream -- with almonds (I swear!) That with eggs and beer? Well. Maybe later. I'm not going to re-write this. It gets stuffed in. Could I concentrate on one thing long enough when I'm high to write a screenplay? I'm thinking of this videotaping thing again. Well, no, actually the Spaulding Gray performance. That would need to be scripted, no? No! Of course not! Well, maybe. It's like the MTV thing. Needs to look spontaneous and real. But is it really just acting? Is someone knocking on my door? I don't know. "Deadbeat Club" is in my ears. "Love Can be Stranger Than Fiction" while I was fregarplato-ing -- washing dishes. And now I just got deja-vu. Really. Oh, it's 11:46. I meant to get some beer from the fridge.

11:49

I love Spain right now. Happy with myself. Right with the world. I do think I'll still go out tonight. I was right an hour and a half ago. Plenty of time to do it all. My beer is way over there on top of the fridge! Why is it there? And I'm here! Why didn't it come with me? Distracciones. Gettin' the beer now.

11:53

I have to go outside for "Life from A Window."

11:57

It was nice being out there. "Observing everything around you." But I have to admit I was a bit paranoid. Still not ready to come out of my little world just yet. And no one can come in -- right now. Oh, there's Matilde! Hide! Whew. That was close. Maybe I'm too tired to go out. Just like my life. Can't decide. I have to work a wedding tomorrow night. Drag. I can't believe I'm in Spain. Why? How did I land here? Me! Just me! Seems so silly. But you know, there are a lot of other people who did it, too. And we've all come together in this tiny corner of the world. Travelers. Passing through each other's procession of life. But then we go on, don't we? I have to remember this when I'm down about missing my friends. It's a lifetime journey. We pass in and out of each other's lives. Sometime we come back quite regular -- like Haley's Comet. But seriously. The circles -- orbits -- cross. Some return, some don't. But they've all had an effect. Their "gravity" has altered our course a little bit. We're all molded by the people we interact with. Look at what you learn from your parents. Or what about someone who brought a bad experience to your life? How has that changed you? It's there. You still remember it, don't you? It's there. In your life history.

12:10

Well, the tape just self-destructed. So I had to change the music to "Cosmic Thing." I'm off that last train of thought. But it was a nice ride, wasn't it? Yeah. makes sense. Thanks, friends!

12:12

I just had to get up and close the blinds again. Right when I get philosophical and mushy. But I was paranoid of people watching me. From down below in the plaza. (Okay, it's a parking lot.) Plaza Ruiz Valle. My home. In this chapter of my life. I wonder where I'm going next. I can honestly say I don't have the slightest clue. Really. How exciting. (My confused twin says, "How frightening.) How brave! (How irresponsible.) How confident! (How insecure.) How adventurous! (How lonely.) Reflections on my life right now. Torn. Off the map.

12:20

Man, I need to publish this. Any one of these ideas I've been given to in the past two hours would probably work. Just got to do it! Doubt. Doubt. Doubt. Incredible Doubt. "The Awful Dynn" -- The Phantom Tollbooth. I can't believe I related my "Little Match Girl" story in Amsterdam to Gitta. How funny. She, of course, is Danish, so she knows the story. I miss Gitta! She's a truly great friend. And we'll probably never see each other again. Aw hell, why not? The world's not that big!

12:26

Here's something to pass time. If you were having a party with any 100 friends/family, etc., who would you invite? Transportation's not a problem. Like if you suddenly became a billionaire and wanted to throw a big party with your favorite people. Who would you pick? What if it were 50? 25? Now it's really tough. Weird thought to "rank" your friends. Suddenly I don't like it. But it's interesting at the 100 people level. It's 12:30. Doubtful about going out.

12:34

I can't get rid of my confused twin. Why can't I come to a simple decision? I jumped up, opened the blinds, went out on the terrace. I was thinking of going out. Yeah. Why not? See what Annelies is doing. But... Why can't you just enjoy a night at home by yourself -- without having to worry about the people you "might have met" if you had gone out. Just get stoned. Enjoy the ride. Why always have doubts about my decisions? Or lack of decisions. I really have to make a definite plan for tonight. I did think I'd go out, though. Is it okay to change your mind?....Every 42 seconds?? Roam if you want to. My mind is roaming. I could go out to see if anyone's at Bolivia/Donde. Only Tomas might be. Worth the "risk"? What if no one's there? Then you've blown it, blockhead! Shut up, Lucy. Lucy. That's my twin. My twin has a name now.

12:47

Whichever decision you make, it's okay! You did what you needed to do at that point in your life-journey. I had made the decision to go out -- again. But now I'm wavering again. But it just doesn't matter. Either way is an exciting path. Outward. Inward. So much to be experienced in both caminos. Past. present. Future. "Our universe is expanding." -- Topaz by B-52s. What a great journal experience this is!

1:14

Okay. At that party with 100 people, which 100 songs would you play? I'm going to do this sometime. The list, I mean. Not necessarily the party -- although I'd love to. My going-away party was almost 50. I really hadn't meant to write more tonight. I'm in for the duration. Contacts are OUT! Ice cream is about to come out of the congelador. I'm listening to "Oh boy, Oh boy" Las Vegas!

1:21

SHIT! I'm writing a letter to John Zerfas asking when we're going to go to Las Vegas again. I wrote that I'm stoned and was about to write that I'm home alone, stoned, writing on a Friday night. Now John would definitely be one to go out instead of staying in. So I'm thinking, "Shit. Should I have gone out?" No! You're fine! Baby!

1:25

Still haven't touched the ice cream. Willpower. No... Nougat flavor. Yech. I crack myself up.

1:29

Okay, so I won't touch the ice cream, but what I do have is pound cake-type baked good. With some milk. Yumm. Paul's surprise birthday party is starting.

1:34

I'm sitting here thinking about making the Spaulding Gray-type movie. Trying to get funding. Having someone say they want to produce my script. I say, "No! It's mine! I have to do it." I'm really getting tired now. Pound cake!

1:40

I rarely have a "tall" glass of milk. But now I'm having one. I was in the kitchen doing some more "acting." Trying to explain all the details of this experience. And having people say, "Yeah, but wasn't that obvious?" or, "Well, was it pound cake or not? What's this pound cake-type baked good? Isn't it just Spanish pound cake?" And I'm getting all defensive.

1:44

Just as I sat down for my pound cake and tall glass of milk, the music ran out. Shit! Had to get up and put on "Songs for Europe" again. I don't know why I had stopped it. That made me think of my MSU video project with Roxy Music's "A Song for Europe." That really was pretty nice. Very amateur, but a nice idea. And "A Second Chance," our Twilight Zone episode with Char STARon and Matt! Hee, hee, hee! I have to write that down and send it to Matt.

1:52

That pound cake and milk was so good. I want some more! It's really windy. A so refreshing cool breeze. It rained a bit this afternoon. After this past heat. Uf. It's been so hot.

2:16

Just finished the letter to John. It was a good letter. He'll enjoy it. Music's been gone for a while. I'd love to hear "American Pie" right now!! God, that'd be great. Let's see if it's on the radio!

2:18

Nope. No "American Pie." Here's "Major Tom." Flamenco. "Ramalamadingdong" from the bar down the hill. Shit. I should go there! What else? WJOI-type music. Blues guitar! Motown. Hall and Oats. Glen Campbell! Really! "Las Chicas," a current Spanish pop favorite. More flamenco. Piano jazz. Talk show. Flamenco! That was an interesting selection! I'm recording the flamenco. It's really great music. Equivalent to American Blues, I think. An acquired but fervent taste.

2:32

And, yes, I did have another serving of pound cake and milk. And I'm getting into this flamenco music.

2:46

I thought of many things as I was getting ready for bed. But I can't write them all. Too much. Overload. Now they're lost forever.... I'm not quite ready for bed, though. I should write another letter. Or something. Annelies reminds me of Suzanne.

3:14

Rollerblade, I was watching. After an extremely slow French movie with no dialog. Just airy background music. I didn't have a clue what it was. Starsky and Hutch and a too-goofy-to-be-real "love" movie are the only 2 things left. I miss cable! I'm in Spain. Watching Starsky and Hutch.

5:00 pm

Things are looking suspicious at work. Herbert and Bernardo met today, but there's another meeting tomorrow. Herbert told me that they're thinking of moving. Rent's too much. He also talked about getting paid immediately for each wedding. Great. But what about the rest? I get the feeling they're going to keep telling me to "sit tight." I'll tell them I need the money by Monday to pay the rent. Otherwise, I'll walk. I'll tell them that I'll come back when I'm paid. I think that's fair. It's still too hot to do anything. So I'm wasting time. I don't like that. Especially alone. I tried calling Maria Jose today. I left Kasia's number at home, so I didn't call her. Not that we could play tennis in this heat, but we could do something. With Tomas!

1:15 am

I had a good time at Bolivia. I have to revel in these small achievements. You see, I was so tempted to not go. Even after I got washed up and dressed. But I thought I should get out. Luckily, I ran into Pinky and James -- because I didn't know anyone else there. So I stayed an hour. James even paid for my beer. Perfect. I wonder if school starts today in BH. Strange not being part of it. But then again, not really. I don't exactly wish I were there working. Just want to be with my friends! I have to sit on the terrace a while to cool off. These walks -- or worse yet, bike rides -- up the hill to my apartment can be terrible. Even in the cool of the evening. I’ve noticed the days getting shorter. I’m told it’s been a cool, rainy summer in Detroit. Sorry to say, but I’m glad! Man, it’s still so hard for me to follow Spanish conversations. When Pinky and James were talking to Irene, I was lost. I need to listen -- to concentrate more.


7:00 pm

It's just too darn hot to do anything today! 42°! So I'm wallowing in the heat in my apartment. It's the terral wind from the Sahara -- so dry! I got paid 20,000 pesetas ($200) today. At least it's something. Next week I'll have to knock on some doors about teaching English. I think classes usually start in October. Actually, I'd like to secure a job for January if that's possible, because I need to go home in November. Look at the options first.

11:20 pm

I was re-reading my journal entries from the months preceding my move to Spain. It was great to read the excitement, the anxiety, the life! Sometimes I'm so full of life. I got a letter from Ann Heler today. She congratulated me on my "bold move." Yes, it was. But perhaps my boldness is wearing off. Am I doing things half-hearted like always? You know, half-in, half-out of the closet. The gay/lesbian groups I've belonged to. My family. My job. My relationships! I never seem to give myself 100%. Why is that? What's holding me back? What am I so afraid of? Rejection? By whom? Who am I trying to please? Anyhow! That was such an intense time of my life. So much going on. Oh, and the times with John. Las Vegas. Saugatuck. Brad at Saugatuck! All the emotions. Incredible. So where does that leave me now? Still wallowing in self-doubt. Still feeling pulled to go back "home" -- especially after reading these journal entries. The people I miss. But.... then I read the first few weeks of my time in Spain. And I think, "I can recapture the spirit!" That excitement! The newness. Well, I will go to Bolivia tonight. I hope Tomas is there. Perhaps I should rather go down and visit with Danny, Kiko, Matilde and Anneleis. That would really be reaching out. But I won't. Stuck. How do I get stuck? I was feeling better at work today after a pep talk with Herbert. I told him I was thinking of quitting rather than dealing with all these problems. Bernardo's on vacation. Herbert will meet with him on Thursday. Wait, wait, wait. Herbert wanted me to wait until the end of the month and I told him that my patience had run out. Now I think I'll stick it out until Sept. 15 -- only 3 more weeks. I've been spending a lot of time on my own. Well, not really, when you stop and think about it. I went out Thursday - Saturday -- and late. Whatever. Life goes on. I'm listening to Powaqqatsi. Love it! So -- the plan (at the moment): Work until September 15 or 30. Casually look into teaching English, do a little traveling until the end of October. Possibly work at BHSD until Christmas. In January... well, I haven't gotten that far! Maybe I'll come back to Malaga if teaching English looks good. Otherwise, where? What?

7:00 pm

I'm feeling very "miss-y" and misty-eyed. I'm lonely. I want to "go home." I don't want to stay until November if I can't travel. I can't travel if I don't have money. I won't have money if I don't work. I can't work if I want to travel. Hoo Boy. We're being whiney. I have no desire to go to the beach. It's too hot to ride. So I've been inside all afternoon. Got a letter from Carolee, and mail from Steve. Right now I have $3000 in the bank. Shit. I need to work, don't I? Didn't get paid again. Didn't meet with Bernardo. Same old. Don't know what I'm gonna do. Down. Down. Down. I've got to get out of this house! I'll just get on the bike and go -- somewhere. I could go for a nice Michigan snowstorm right now! Arrgh! I can't believe I said that! But it's true...


8:30 pm

So it was a nice bike ride. Went a little way up the "tetas." And I'm exhausted. But I feel good, too. My back has been hurting again -- but in a different place. Great. I've been being a news-aholic lately. Nine-o-clock Spanish news. ABC News in the morning. But I only buy papers every 3 days or so. Too expensive! I hope I don't have to take $$ from my Visa. The dollar has plummeted. I like when this neighborhood black kitten comes over to play. He got into my apartment in the middle of the night the other night. Scared the hell out of me. I want to write tonight. Stoned.


9:15 pm

So I'm watching what appears to be the weekly bullfight round-up. Actually, there are shows on 2 channels. Reviewing the Ferias of Malaga and Bilbao. Ouch. A picador got thrown but good. Looked like a ragdoll. I think they said he'll be okay. Yow. I'm flipping from the news -- Hurricane Andrew in Miami. Double yow! 42° in Sevilla -- that's 108° F. Only 35° here. And, man, I can't believe what's going on in Sarajevo. Stunned. How can there be such hatred -- between neighbors. Miami isn't the capital of Florida! Y'know, Kiko told me yesterday that he doesn't like the Feria. And not just because of the crowds. He doesn't like people dancing Sevillanas. This is Malaga, not Sevilla! They should be dancing Malaguenas. Well, that's just silly. Besides, there are some people dancing Malaguenas. Malaguenan Pride. Here's an interesting ststistic. 85% of Spanish youth don't disapprove of homosexuality. Surprising. Documentary on pinguinos on the Moroccan channel. In French. Man, they can swim fast!


11:30 pm

Well, Anneleis came over and we watched "El Dorado" and ate popcorn and drank juice. Nice. I had been jammin' with The Smith's. I had thought of going out tonight, but I won't. Save up and go out tomorrow. I have 1000 pesetas to my name! I should call Kasia and arrange a tennis match, but my back hurts again.

2:00 am

This is what I consider a nice night. I had stayed in -- watching the news, reading, writing letters -- until almost 1:00. Then I got dressed and went out to Bolivia/Donde. Saw several people I knew (but not the ones I wanted to see -- Joel or Tomas), then came back home at 2:00. It feels good that I know people, though. Mostly transients, however. Now I'm home listening to Laurie Anderson and eating pound cake. Perfect. I had thought of going to the feria, but decided not to, Too expensive, y'know. I did wander around the day-time feria today. It's really great, just observing. Seeing horses tied to buildings on narrow streets, probably as they were 100 years ago. And the dancing in the streets. I'll have to go again tomorrow. Last day.


11:50 pm

Why do I have such an inferiority complex? I'm so amazed that Joel has taken such an interest in me. Do I think I'm not worthy of his friendship -- just because he's got money, a great job, good looks, friends in high places and an outgoing personality? Maybe he really likes me. Who am I? Sally Fields? Why is it so hard to believe? I have the same complex, of course, with my Spanish. I think it's so bad that no one would be able to stand listening to me. But I do get a lot of encouraging words. Why don't I believe them? Why am I so guarded? Why shouldn't people like me? Or want to hire me? I'm reading another self-help book, "The Road Less Traveled." I do need some therapy. I can examine myself only so far. Now I need another point of view. I did nothing today. Okay, I did go through a Spanish TV production manual. I thought it'd be helpful if another job opportunity comes up. I just watched the fireworks from my terrace. Nice. Why couldn't they have been there last time, so we wouldn't have had to scramble at the last minute! I've slept a lot this weekend. I needed to catch up. The nights have been much cooler lately -- even needed a blanket. But the days are still 95°.

2:30 pm

I feel I should write, write, write. So much to say. But I also feel I should sleep, sleep, sleep. Even though I didn’t get up until 12:30 today. Went to another disco -- Carambuco -- with Joel. I loved the music. A lot of my old college faves -- Talking Heads, the Cure, Dexy’s, Sugarcubes. But there was nobody there. Too bad. It’s a wonderful open-air disco out in the country. Beautiful setting. The Polish girl, Kasia, and 2 Germans and 2 other friends of Joel’s came, too. The German guy, Tomas, is rather attractive. Ay. Another fantasy lover. But he’s tall, short blond hair (I love that), well-built, nice smile. He’s a psychiatrist, 31 years old. Must pursue. I’ve been fantasizing about Joel, too. Gettin’ dangerous. He still talks, talks, talks, about girls, but the way he looks at me ... Aw, I’m gonna drive myself crazy! He’s so nice to me. I saw him at Bolivia Thursday. First thing he said was, “You blew the job of your life!” Seems he had been to Bolivia looking for me Tuesday and Wednesday nights. In fact, he brought the producer from Canal Sur with him! There was an opening for a camera/audio position. Joel said he even came to my apartment complex and called me at work. Couldn’t locate me. So they gave the job to someone else! $1800/month. Oh well. I’m being pretty philosophical about it. It just wasn’t “meant to be.” Maybe something else will come up. Joel’s going to London on Monday -- said he’ll look into what’s available. The BBC does a lot of shooting down here. I’m really feeling like I want to go back anyway. So it just doesn’t matter! I had expected to go out “for a drink” just to see Joel on Thursday. But he invited me to Oh! Marbella!, the exclusive disco in Marbella. Of course, I accepted! There were two other guys going, Kenny -- a Spanish guy, pretty obnoxious -- and a German named Uli. So we went over to Donde to find some girls to come with us. Que guay. Finally, after a 1/2 hour search and several rejections, two girls agreed to come. We had two cars. Joel wanted me to ride with him -- just the two of us. Makes you go, “Hmmm.” When we stopped for gas, I noticed the invitations on the dashboard -- Black and White Party (I was wearing jeans and a pink shirt, hadn’t put cologne or even deodorant on, looking scruffy -- really feeling like I’d fit in in Marbella!), and it said it was for August 18. Never mind that this was August 20. Oh well. I, of course, kept my mouth shut. I just wanted to see what would happen. So we drive the 30 miles to Marbella and arrive at this beautiful setting. At the door, the invitations were refused -- I’m having fun now. Luckily, Joel knew one of the workers. Apparently, he had brought some famous actors and producers there once, so he’s got some clout there. The place was gorgeous. Rather packed. Typical techno music on the dance floor inside. Outside, there was an incredible pool -- often used as a location for commercial shoots, says Joel -- surrounded by tables and chairs and a jazz band on stage. Very nice. There was also access to the beach. This was about 3:30 am when we arrived. We stayed about an hour. The girls danced, Uli danced a bit. I thought it strange that we had spent all that time tracking down these girls and then ignored them! I ordered a beer. Joel had told me it would be expensive, but I didn’t pay for it. Well, she never asked me! I had my 2000 pesetas ready! I’m so glad I didn’t pay. I’m so broke! So anyhow, we left and I was home at 5:00 -- after I had told myself, “2:00 at the latest.” Right. Joel and I did get a chance to talk a little on the drive. I’m becoming more and more attracted to him. He seems to like me, too. But keeps talking about girls. I say nothing on the subject. I think he was a little jealous when Kasia gave me her telephone number. We’re going to play tennis sometime. So when I have nights like these past two, I think, “Wow, I could really like it here.” But I do need to change my job situation. It’s just bringing me down! But the social life’s been bringing me right back up. I’m actually enjoying Donde/Bolivia! Because I’m meeting people. Why is that so hard for me to do? Joel is so good at it! I found out his mother is English, father is French and he was born in Malaga. He also works for a Dutch clothing company called Nomad. Damn interesting guy. Rafa came over last night. I was supposed to meet him and Kiko at Donde, but didn’t see them. Tengo que practicar mi espanol. I haven’t gotten any mail lately. Arrgh. I wonder if Steve has paid my Visa bill. I may need to dip into that account soon. Shit. I don’t want to spend the rest of my savings. But I don’t want to work either! People love my American accent! That’s nice. I haven’t gone back to the Feria. Too bad. It is kind of fun seeing people on horseback occasionally riding down the street or on the beach! Only in Spain. Only during the Feria!