1:45 am

Hellos, good-byes. Good nights, bad nights. Said hello to Jeannet and Bek who are back in town again. Bek was bummed when he found out he just missed Andre. Whom I didn’t get a chance to really say good-bye to. The truck they were going to ride with didn’t go. So they were going to stay. Well, while I was at work, they decided to take the train. It’s okay. I hate emotional, long good-byes. I said good-bye to Yop, too. It was a long, drawn-out good-bye recalling the past, talking of the future, trying to find a pen and paper for addresses. I guess it kept me there long enough to see Bek, though. So it was a “good night” even though I didn’t see Joel. I knew several people there. But they’ll all be gone soon. Sometimes -- usually, now -- Bolivia/Donde are bad nights. I wrote a nice letter to Neil tonight. So many thoughts. Jeannet and I talked about how positive my experience has been, even if it hasn’t been “perfect.” Nine months -- or less, even -- may be long enough.

3:30 pm

Just sittin’ on the terrace -- thinkin’. Wrote some letters. Now I’m contemplative. Still thinking of quitting when I get paid. But I don’t think I will. I mean, I’m still only working 4 hours a day. It leaves me time to sit and think. Or to look for another job. If I quit now, I could probably make it to the end of September on the $700 I should be getting. I could spend another $1000 from savings to stay another month and travel a bit. That would just about deplete my savings, though. Or I could go back Oct. 1st. I wonder if I’d get my $500 back from my security deposit. I could work at BHSD until January, then take ESL and Spanish classes -- in some other city. Or I could come back to Malaga. I’d only want to came back if I had a job lined up. I wouldn’t want to go through all this uncertainty again. And I couldn’t afford it! But more likely, I’d stay in the States. Maybe I’m serious about going back to school in Fall ‘93. Instructional Technology? Spanish? ESL? Maybe something totally new that I haven’t really thought of yet. Something with travel, no? Or Linguistics. I think I could use some counseling. While looking back at my life I realized -- maybe for the first time -- that I didn’t really have a childhood. My mom was sick from the time I was 6 years old. That’s pretty heavy. I never felt really close to my family then. I still have a lot of walls even with my brothers and sisters. And especially w/cousins and aunts and uncles. Why is that? What’s blocking me? Am I really comfortable with my sexuality? Signals say no. Still not out to some people. Haven’t had serious relationships. But is it -- as Neil says -- just society’s view that we should all be in happy, loving relationships? It’s okay to march to a different beat. To develop your life as you see fit. Heck, yeah. I hate the heat during the day here. I’d love to go on a bike ride down the coast, but it’s still too hot. I need to sit on the beach and think. I miss Andre’s “All right, mate.” His pathetic attempt at sounding British. I met a Polish girl in Bolivia the other night. Actually, she lives in Munich now. I love sittin’ and thinkin’. I’ve been occasionally writing letters -- like a short note to Matt telling him how I miss “The Flintstones” -- or reading my journal, or eating something in between writing things down in here. Jolts my mind to all the little anecdotes of Malaga. Maybe I could write. I know, I could go live with Bob while I write my experiences -- maybe even compile my entire 15 years of my journal. That would be amazing. Sometimes I feel antsy. Like I “should be doing something!” Can’t even enjoy an afternoon of sittin’ ‘n’ thinkin’ without some guilt creeping in. Of course, I am doing something. Adjusting myself. Tinkering with the inner knobs and levers. Learning by reading, by writing, by observing. I’ve noticed that I can’t sit long without a million thoughts going through my head: I’d like to pick some almonds off that tree; why do flies like my feet so much; is it true that cicadas come up from the ground and make that awful August buzzing only on the last day of their lives; where are those busloads, but loads, of people coming from and going to; why doesn’t Malaga have -- or enforce -- a noise law -- the motorcycles are terrible!, could this fly be someone I know back on earth in another form -- he seems to be playing with me. All right, so they’re stupid thoughts, but I am doing something! And I’m reading “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.” Simple thoughts. That make you think more complex thoughts. So why am I antsy? Because I “shouldn’t” be alone? Because I “should” ride my bike? One thing I need to keep reminding myself is that I can’t do everything! Oh, but I want to! I feel I need to. Experience it all! I think I’m pretty well-balanced. The Libra in me. I do bits of this and a little of that -- but don’t do a whole lot of anything! Does that sum up my life, or what? I’ve lately been comparing my experience here with college life. My apartment is the size of a dorm room, I never feel like studying or going to work (classes), the social life revolves around drinking, it’s fairly easy to meet people -- superficially, though, “I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life,” blah. blah, woof, woof. It’s 6:00, it’s getting cloudy -- time for a bike ride!


7:30 pm

There are so many things that I still don't know. For example: why do fish occasionally jump out of the water? Is it fun? Are they trying to escape? I know salmon do it while spawning, but that's going upstream in a river. Makes sense. But right in the middle of the sea? I'm sitting seaside at a fairly deserted beach about 10 km. east of my house. A very peaceful evening. Strange that it's cloudy. Makes everything look so different. I could sure go for a good thunderstorm. But I doubt that will happen. It's rained one day in the past (at least) 7 weeks.

2:30 am

Man, I don't know about the future, but the present is pretty damn interesting! I ran into Joel at Bolivia tonight. We talked all night. He says there's a position open at Canal Sur and he'll talk to them about me tomorrow. Wot? Shit! It's that fast-moving train again. But what I hate is being artificial. I feel I have to "play the game" to see what might develop. He's such a materialistic person. Telling me that he pays $2000/month for his house, taking me home on his mother-fucker motorcycle. He asked if I'd be in Bolivia tomorrow night. I really hadn't planned to, but now I will be there, I'm sure. Play the game. Gotta do it. But I hate it!

9:45 pm

Reflections. Topsy-turvy are my feelings. I suppose it’s a result of both being Monday and Andre leaving. It has been a nice 3 weeks with visitors here. But I’ve also missed my “quiet times” like now. Time to reflect. To think. To dream. To explore myself. To listen to “They Might be Giants.” I need to write some letters. Matt told me that Karen’s brother died. How horrible. I couldn’t help thinking of her mother. To have a child die must be the worst thing. I’d rather write than call. Calling’s so emotional. I have to write Neil, too. He’s such a special person. I miss him! His letter really put me more at ease. He talked about fulfilling my dreams and getting yourself right with things before entering a relationship. How true. So I’m not as freaked out.

1:00 pm

It's been great having Andre here. I'll miss him -- again. But it will be nice to have more time on my own again, too. Time for introspection. Friday night, we watched the fireworks opening the Feria from here instead of going downtown. Yesterday, we went to see the processions of horse-drawn carriages, etc. And then saw thousands of people in traditional costumes dancing Sevillanas in the streets of downtown Málaga. An incredible sight. So many people. So hot! Last night we went to the Feria grounds. So big! I didn't realize it had carnival games and rides, hundreds of casetas with bars and bands. And thousands of drunks! Pretty fun, though. I met a guy -- Joel?-- who works for the BBC and lives in Málaga. We talked a lot about video possibilities. Interesting!

3:45 pm

Been having too much fun! Andre, Jeannet and I went to the center last night and happened upon the Alhambra group. So we joined them for a wine and tapas tour. A nice evening. There was even a live Brazilian band at Salsa. I do appreciate having friends here. And in the States. Neil wrote me a great thought-provoking letter. And Matt called me today. I tried to explain 6 weeks of teetering about my future. I'm sure he's overwhelmed and confused. Good! So am I! But really, I've been very up lately. Positive Mental Attitude! I haven't seen Rafa in a while. Wonder what his deal is. No word on being paid yet. Lorenzo told me last night that Joaquin at Alhambra wants to talk to me about potential work. Here we go again! But I have to check it out. Possibilities.

3:50 pm

Well, I decided I'd better do something with these afternoons off, so I'm on a train to Alora. I'm not sure what's there. We'll see. I've been trying to be "introspective" lately. Trying to decide "what I really want." Obviously, I'm still in a state of transition, because what I want changes every day. I got a wonderful letter from Neil. He's so insightful. Told me I have to "pull myself together" before I start a relationship with Bob. Nothing new, of course. Just that it makes sense now. I also know that whatever decision I make, things will be fine. For the first time in a while, I'm thinking maybe I will return to Spain after November. I'm pretty sure my "time" here will not have been up yet, so I should return. I'm more and more excited about teaching English, too. Yes, some people tell me it will be hard to find something, but I have to keep in mind all that I've accomplished already! It was "an impossible dream," but I'm doing it! You can succeed, Mike! You have succeeded! So I'm heading for Alora. I hope I can get a train back before 8:00. I love this spontaneity. Why don't I do it more often? Stupid! I've thought a lot more about needing to be on my own more. It would be easy to run back to (or even call) my friends in Detroit. So who needs ease? Anyhow, I'm supposed to go out with Andre at 8:30. It's been nice having him here. Someone to "force" me to do things. But still... I need my time alone. But now I'm getting out of my rut. So much potential all around me. I'm going on an incredible journey. Into myself! Finding out about me! So many new discoveries waiting to occur. Teaching English. It would give me flexibility. I could do it anywhere in the world! And usually there are summers off to travel or visit friends and family. Makin' some sense now. I guess this is my current "thing." Let's see if I stick with it. I could pursue a certificate here in Spain. Or I could try without one for a while. Hell. I complain that I can't travel now. I don't have the time or the money. Fuck that noise! Of course I do. Make it work. So you eat bread for the next week. Spending the weekend traveling is worth it, ¿no? This Transitions book talks about un-learning things. That's so hard. To realize that there are other ways to do things. Other lives to live. Be reborn. Be a new you.

10:20 am

Yesterday was another see-saw day. So what's new? I came in to work and was bored, bored, bored. I started figuring money. Let's see. If I quit on Saturday when I get paid, or if I quit on September 15th.... Of course, if I quit, I'll be broke! Bottom line. I swear, I make a final decision to stick with it until November and then I go ahead and think about leaving sooner. Arrgh! Then I was re-reading Transitions. It's a very helpful book. It's nice to read it now, in another stage of transition. It calmed me a bit. Reminded me to enjoy the ride. And also that I'm not unique in my feelings. And what do I have to bitch about? Working 4 hours a day -- and reading a book most of that time! Herbert still says I'll be paid in full. Vamos a ver. Andre and his friend, Jeannet, came yesterday. It's so nice to see him. Yes, Mike, you do have friends! So then I was feeling pretty good. I got a postcard from Alyssa today. It would be great if she were here, but I can't see it working out that way. Jenny, too. Actually, I tried calling Jenny yesterday. Then I was glad I didn't get through. I need to stop whining to my friends. To myself, too. I just need to "pull myself together" while I'm here in Spain. And return to the U.S. a new, well-adjusted man.

1:15 am

I do need these evenings alone. To reflect. I've been recalling the endings and new chapters of my life. Getting a bit emotional at times. I hate leaving my friends. But I've done it several times. After graduating from MSU. Going to Port Huron. Going to Spain. Why? Just work/opportunity? Or something more? What more? Maybe I should analyze more. I should see a therapist. Yes. I really should. I have a lot of unresolved emotions. I don't like my looks. I don't feel I'm very outgoing -- that people wouldn't want to be friends with me. Why do I think that? I have so many close friends. People like to be my friends. Why doesn't that sink in? What is it that I think I have to offer in a friendship? Or in a relationship? Something I don't have? ¡Que va! Okay, why do I hate my job? Because I'm afraid of failure. I don't trust my talents. I think that's it. Bottom line. The other reasons are fluff. Y'know, I had been thinking about the times in my life when I would pray to my mother to watch over me. I've never really "talked" to my father since he died. I should make a tape. Or I should just do it! Why do I feel I have to record everything? I feel the need to release my emotions. They're always so bottled up. Control. I try to stay in control all the time. That's why I like getting high. I lose that inhibition to control myself. Why can't I lose it whenever I want to? I can't go to work tomorrow. I have to get my life together!