2:45 am
Went to Puerto Banus tonight with Joel, Kasia and Helen (from Sweden - British Airways). It was nice. I had always wanted to go there. Very posh. Lambourghinis, Rollses, Porsches -- and the yachts! I wouldn't mind going there more often. Maybe I could "meet someone." Joel knows so many people. Yeah, he's got money. He said his uncle is the tennis coach for Yannick Noah. He mentioned that his sister has a huge yacht. He owns three cars, etc., etc. I really do hate the way he flaunts it. But he's good to hang around with. We spent the afternoon together, too. Went for a drink at the boat club. He made a point of talking (in French) real loud when he got a phone call. On the way to Puerto Banus, he called a friend. Had to play his car stereo LOUD! We looked at a BMW M3 and he argued with the salesman over the 4 million peseta ($40,000) price. But he's still pretty cute. And has lots of connections! So I'll stick around him. I think he got really pissed off at Kasia because she wanted to go home at 1:30. He had wanted to go to Oh Marbella. We went to a rather inexpensive Italian restaurant and then to a bar. I spent $38, but that included the girls' dinners. He's leaving tomorrow for a week again. Oh well. They didn't have the meeting at work on Tuesday. Mañana. But I stayed and edited a wedding anyway -- so we can collect the money from it. I'm thinking maybe I can hang on until Oct. 15th to earn more money. But, no. It's not worth it. They plan to move the office to Antequerra -- 150 km away -- in January. I've played along like I'll stay. But I won't. Must sleep now.
Thursday, September 3, 1992
Wednesday, September 2, 1992
3:25 am
Fun Night! I went to the welcoming party at Club Hispanico. Talked quite a bit with María José. Then Joel showed up. We talked for a long time with Julian. They are both very interesting. And both have some pesetas stashed away. They were talking about importing cars, buying bars, going to Japan -- you name it. Good company I'm keeping! Then we went to Bolivia (on Joel's motorcycle) where we saw Kasia, Tomas and others. Met a Swedish girl, Helen, who looks like Meryl Streep, and works for British Airways. So Joel suggested that we all go to Marbella tomorrow. What the fuck. So I'll be poor! We went to Donde and danced a lot! Tomas is so cute. Must pursue! He's only here another 1 1/2 weeks! A good night.
Fun Night! I went to the welcoming party at Club Hispanico. Talked quite a bit with María José. Then Joel showed up. We talked for a long time with Julian. They are both very interesting. And both have some pesetas stashed away. They were talking about importing cars, buying bars, going to Japan -- you name it. Good company I'm keeping! Then we went to Bolivia (on Joel's motorcycle) where we saw Kasia, Tomas and others. Met a Swedish girl, Helen, who looks like Meryl Streep, and works for British Airways. So Joel suggested that we all go to Marbella tomorrow. What the fuck. So I'll be poor! We went to Donde and danced a lot! Tomas is so cute. Must pursue! He's only here another 1 1/2 weeks! A good night.
Tuesday, September 1, 1992
12:15 am
I probably shouldn't have smoked. I have to get myself up and out to the bar. I do love reading my journal. I could cultivate some good stories from it and publish them. Not the whole thing -- some things are so embarrassing!
1:40 am
"On no, I drank too much..." I haven't drunk enough..." to the tune of "Losing My Religion." Actually, I didn't drink a lot, but that song was on my mind. I have to listen to it NOW!
Okay, so I'm listening to "Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead" first. I love jamming to music in my headphones. So. I saw Joel. We talked for an hour. Still can't figure him out. (I know. This sounds just like what I've written for 15 years!) Annelies thinks he's bi-sexual. And he did want to see me tomorrow. He offered to take Kasia and me to his tennis club to play. Then he asked if I wanted to go to Club Hispanico with him for their welcoming party. But he also mentioned that we should find a couple of dates and go to Marbella sometime. Floating along...
12:45 pm
Had breakfast with Annelies this morning. I think I could like not working! She told me how torn she is about her boyfriend, Manolo. I told her it's very natural. God knows I've gone through a lot of gut-wrenching emotions with guys in the past. It's nice to have someone to share emotions with.
I probably shouldn't have smoked. I have to get myself up and out to the bar. I do love reading my journal. I could cultivate some good stories from it and publish them. Not the whole thing -- some things are so embarrassing!
1:40 am
"On no, I drank too much..." I haven't drunk enough..." to the tune of "Losing My Religion." Actually, I didn't drink a lot, but that song was on my mind. I have to listen to it NOW!
Okay, so I'm listening to "Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead" first. I love jamming to music in my headphones. So. I saw Joel. We talked for an hour. Still can't figure him out. (I know. This sounds just like what I've written for 15 years!) Annelies thinks he's bi-sexual. And he did want to see me tomorrow. He offered to take Kasia and me to his tennis club to play. Then he asked if I wanted to go to Club Hispanico with him for their welcoming party. But he also mentioned that we should find a couple of dates and go to Marbella sometime. Floating along...
12:45 pm
Had breakfast with Annelies this morning. I think I could like not working! She told me how torn she is about her boyfriend, Manolo. I told her it's very natural. God knows I've gone through a lot of gut-wrenching emotions with guys in the past. It's nice to have someone to share emotions with.
Monday, August 31, 1992
3:00 pm
So, I'm on strike. They again didn't have the partners meeting this morning. I told Herbert that I'll return when something is decided -- Wednesday at earliest. He keeps telling me things will work out, but I'm growing ever-suspicious. He mentioned today that he thought I was being paid in advance. Hoo boy. That's a good one. But maybe it's a trick they'll try to use. This really sucks. I have a feeling we'll have to come to a "compromise." Fine. Then I'll leave. If I could at least get the $500 owed me up to August 15th, it'd be something.
9:30 pm
Well, my neighbors agree that I did what I had to do. I figured that I've earned 450 pts/hour -- with the money they still owe me. But we get paid 1000 pts/hour for the weddings. That doesn't make sense. It was nice chatting with mis vecinos. I need to do it more often. So. It's still a waiting game. But I'm pretty proud of my move today. Their move now.
11:15 pm
I've been reading my journal through July 1987. I do enjoy it. What a strange life I've led. I'm looking forward to seeing Joel at Bolivia tonight. Why? Oh, hell I don't know. I love reading about my travels. I have traveled a lot. And I always enjoy it so much! But I hate reading about my pinings over guys. I still do it, don't I?
So, I'm on strike. They again didn't have the partners meeting this morning. I told Herbert that I'll return when something is decided -- Wednesday at earliest. He keeps telling me things will work out, but I'm growing ever-suspicious. He mentioned today that he thought I was being paid in advance. Hoo boy. That's a good one. But maybe it's a trick they'll try to use. This really sucks. I have a feeling we'll have to come to a "compromise." Fine. Then I'll leave. If I could at least get the $500 owed me up to August 15th, it'd be something.
9:30 pm
Well, my neighbors agree that I did what I had to do. I figured that I've earned 450 pts/hour -- with the money they still owe me. But we get paid 1000 pts/hour for the weddings. That doesn't make sense. It was nice chatting with mis vecinos. I need to do it more often. So. It's still a waiting game. But I'm pretty proud of my move today. Their move now.
11:15 pm
I've been reading my journal through July 1987. I do enjoy it. What a strange life I've led. I'm looking forward to seeing Joel at Bolivia tonight. Why? Oh, hell I don't know. I love reading about my travels. I have traveled a lot. And I always enjoy it so much! But I hate reading about my pinings over guys. I still do it, don't I?
Sunday, August 30, 1992
10:40 pm
I've been re-reading my journal from June 10, 1985 - June 8, 1986. My, what a year! I'm thinking of making a chart of my life. Graph the high and low trends. The ecstasy, the depression. The wavering. What has brought me out of depressions? Jobs, I think. What has gotten me into depressions? Relationships -- or lack of. Financial problems, too. It's so weird reading that stuff. Almost like it happened to someone else. And so much is so embarrassing. The whining over Kevin Krupsky. Incredible. All a part of my life-journey. I loved getting stoned and writing so much Friday night. Great fun. Yesterday, I did a wedding with José, Alberto and Manuel (he's more fantasy material, by the way.) I hated not understanding their conversations. But later on, we had some good discussions. I would've really enjoyed myself if it weren't for the language barrier. More frustrations. I went to the beach in Torremolinos today. My bike seat got stolen. Shit. More money. They didn't have the meeting at work on Friday. Tomorrow. Mañana. I told Herbert again how frustrated I am and how un-respected I feel. If I don't get paid tomorrow, I'm going to stop working until I do. I talked to Paul last night. It's been one of the coldest, rainiest summers in Detroit's history. I'm so glad I'm not there! You know, I wrote in my journal, asking my mom to "intervene on my behalf" just before I got the job in Port Huron -- which pulled me out of probably my life's worst depression. Interesting. I guess I still need to talk to my mom and dad. They're still watching over me, I'm sure of it.
I've been re-reading my journal from June 10, 1985 - June 8, 1986. My, what a year! I'm thinking of making a chart of my life. Graph the high and low trends. The ecstasy, the depression. The wavering. What has brought me out of depressions? Jobs, I think. What has gotten me into depressions? Relationships -- or lack of. Financial problems, too. It's so weird reading that stuff. Almost like it happened to someone else. And so much is so embarrassing. The whining over Kevin Krupsky. Incredible. All a part of my life-journey. I loved getting stoned and writing so much Friday night. Great fun. Yesterday, I did a wedding with José, Alberto and Manuel (he's more fantasy material, by the way.) I hated not understanding their conversations. But later on, we had some good discussions. I would've really enjoyed myself if it weren't for the language barrier. More frustrations. I went to the beach in Torremolinos today. My bike seat got stolen. Shit. More money. They didn't have the meeting at work on Friday. Tomorrow. Mañana. I told Herbert again how frustrated I am and how un-respected I feel. If I don't get paid tomorrow, I'm going to stop working until I do. I talked to Paul last night. It's been one of the coldest, rainiest summers in Detroit's history. I'm so glad I'm not there! You know, I wrote in my journal, asking my mom to "intervene on my behalf" just before I got the job in Port Huron -- which pulled me out of probably my life's worst depression. Interesting. I guess I still need to talk to my mom and dad. They're still watching over me, I'm sure of it.
Friday, August 28, 1992
11:50 am
I feel like I'm wrestling with demons. Once again, I'm torn. Haven't yet heard the results of today's meeting, but I'm so pessimistic. I think I should walk out now -- before tomorrow's wedding if I'm not paid. Or on Monday. But the fact is, I need that money. So I'm stuck, aren't I? Does the "principle" outweigh the economics? If I work until the 15th at least I'd get some money. That just makes sense. Then I could fuck 'em. Rent is due next week. I don't think I can withdraw from Visa for another 2 weeks. Stuck. No, of course I'm not really. Annelies could lend me money. There's MasterCard, too. But this really sucks having this weigh on my mind all the time. It was nice talking to Corrine and Annelies about it. Corrine says she had a great job in Holland, a house, a boyfriend, a Mercedes. But she left it. And now she's struggling. But for her, it's worth it. I just don't know if it's worth it for me. She says she has no regrets. Well, I don't have regrets for coming here, just maybe for staying now. If I stay now, I mean. Up to now -- no problem. But now I'm doubting more. I think of calling Matt, but then Laurie Anderson sings, "I don't need anybody's help, I'm gonna get there on my own." So anyhow, as always it boils down to money, doesn't it? But doesn't getting paid -- on time, in full -- also represent respect? I don't like not being respected. I don't like being "used." It batters the self-esteem.
10:10 pm
I'm gonna eat eggs tonight. Wow. I think I'm stoned. I'm so mad I left my journal at work. How stupid! But I have to write on something. I got "paid" with hash today. Hah! Not bad. Shit. I'm stoned. I'm so mad that I'll have to transcribe this. I hope nobody comes over. I want to be alone right now. I have to remember to call Paul's surprise birthday party tonight. No way! I don't think I'll be able to leave this apartment tonight. I really wanted to go to Bolivia to see if Tomas is there. Maybe I will. It's not late yet. Best time to go is 12:30 -- two hours from now. Strange hours -- especially in the summer. Many businesses close for the day at 2 or 3. Many are closed completely for the month of August. Vacaciones. But people don't eat dinner until midnight -- the beachfront restaurants are packed until almost 1 am. And they don't go to the bar until that time or later. Night life continues until 8 or 9 am. Really! I wish I had gone back to the Feria again last week.
10:35
I can't believe what I just "had to do" and how much I accomplished. I'm so stoned I decided to close the door and lower the blinds and put on the headphones, because I didn't want anyone to stop by. I couldn't deal with having to speak -- Spanish -- right now. So I saw the eggs. I guess I should explain that prologue. I was making hard-boiled eggs. Now I'm confused. I thought I just did this egg thing during the door/blinds episode. But I see I wrote about the eggs before that trip. Anyway, I'm so stoned I'll need to eat something and since the eggs are available, I thought I'd probably end up eating them although it doesn't sound so good to me right now. I do have some ice cream. That and brownies....the all-time best thing to eat when you're colgado. It's good to study these things. I'm listening to "Mammals" by They Might Be Giants. So many inputs. I'm trying to write about the past and I keep getting interrupted by the present! But these songs are so fucking weird! I love it! I just fall into it. It's inside me. We're one! "The Statue Got Me High." But that's one of the things I did during this descanso to withdraw into myself. I put on this CD. I was going to listen to the tape of Poi Dog Pondering, but the Sinead O'Connor side is at the beginning. I couldn't wait for it to rewind, and I just wasn't in a Sinead O'Connor mood right now. Know what I mean? Yeah, I thought so. So what I did with the eggs is put them into cold water. ("Spider" So fucking weird! In my head. "Get rid of. Must stop. He is our hero." Why does that make so much sense right now? Zongo! It's like spider is the marijuana. No. No.... Yes! "He is our hero!") Wow. I was just reviewing that entire "Spider" episode again. I was pretending to act it out -- a la Spaulding Gray. Storytelling. How I would tell it to a group. Now I'm just trying to review that last thought. And I'm so fucked up that I can't. Just can't! I have this music in my head and I can't concentrate. They're talking about salivating dogs. "Good dog." It's so confusing. Too many stimuli. What time is it now? 10:56. I just wrote for 20 minutes. Well, I was interrupted by thinking from time to time! The present taking over from the past. Time Wars! Off the map. That's where I am right now, Like that time I was in the corner of the ceiling at Matt and Eli's during the Super Bowl. I was right there in the corner of the ceiling. Now I'm off the map. I don't know this song. No words. Oh, that's no fun!
10:59
This sounds Madness-like. "The Hall of Hats" "The Hallowed Head"? What is it called? "The Song of the Hall of Heads," I think. I don't have a clue. Am I going to be able to go out tonight? Doubt it! Peligroso. Spines aren't straight! They're supposed to be curved. That's from "Which Describes How You're Feeling All The Time." "Dots and Lines" sounds mod-ish. There are no limits to music. You can go anywhere. Even off the map. Work. Jerk.
11:09
"A paper-white mask of evil." I was just storytelling again. Imagining videotaping this trip. It could be edited. And win some avant-garde film festival. Really! Hmmm. I mean, where do these things come from? All these far-out ideas were thoughts just like this once. But some are realized. I'm writing too fast. No. Not fast enough to record all this. And now it's "Fingertips." I have to get lost in it. Oh! I can't believe it! "Mysterious whisper." "What's that blue thing doing here?" "I don't understand you." "I'm havin' a heart attack." Stop writing!
11:16
That's a fantastic song. Incredibly performed. Reality -- sprung forth from fantasy. Just made that up (and I'm pretty proud of it, thank you.)
11:18
I'm out of music. Oh man! What I meant to write back at 11:09 was that I ate an egg already! How did I forget that? The present heaving aside the past again. I was just thinking again of the videotaping idea. And thinking that I couldn't do it. How embarrassing! But didn't MTV recently videotape the home life of seven young adults for several months? I think that's fantastic. I'd love to see it -- if it's real. Not acting. Several of those people were performers. I wonder if they "acted" their home-life for three months. Checking every movement, every emotion. Arrgh. How horrible that would be! Everything you do! No way. It's a hoax. They didn't really record everything. Man. TMBG is over, but now I'm hearing "Please Don't Go" from the disco down the hill. Loud. Strong wind. At 11:18 I had meant to get up out of this chair. I haven't yet. It's 11:26.
11:29
That was tough! Picking out music to play. But I decided finally on "Songs for Europe," a compilation tape I made before last year's trip. Very nice choice. Strong, yet fruity. I want to sit on the terrace, but I still can't face anyone. I'm gonna have another egg.
11:33
What is it you're supposed to put in hard-boiled egg water to make the, easy to peel? Vinegar? Am I high?
11:35
Here's Laurie Anderson's "Monkey's Paw." She's so good to crawl inside. Nothing meant by that. Well, yes, something, but not that! Time for some ice cream -- with almonds (I swear!) That with eggs and beer? Well. Maybe later. I'm not going to re-write this. It gets stuffed in. Could I concentrate on one thing long enough when I'm high to write a screenplay? I'm thinking of this videotaping thing again. Well, no, actually the Spaulding Gray performance. That would need to be scripted, no? No! Of course not! Well, maybe. It's like the MTV thing. Needs to look spontaneous and real. But is it really just acting? Is someone knocking on my door? I don't know. "Deadbeat Club" is in my ears. "Love Can be Stranger Than Fiction" while I was fregarplato-ing -- washing dishes. And now I just got deja-vu. Really. Oh, it's 11:46. I meant to get some beer from the fridge.
11:49
I love Spain right now. Happy with myself. Right with the world. I do think I'll still go out tonight. I was right an hour and a half ago. Plenty of time to do it all. My beer is way over there on top of the fridge! Why is it there? And I'm here! Why didn't it come with me? Distracciones. Gettin' the beer now.
11:53
I have to go outside for "Life from A Window."
11:57
It was nice being out there. "Observing everything around you." But I have to admit I was a bit paranoid. Still not ready to come out of my little world just yet. And no one can come in -- right now. Oh, there's Matilde! Hide! Whew. That was close. Maybe I'm too tired to go out. Just like my life. Can't decide. I have to work a wedding tomorrow night. Drag. I can't believe I'm in Spain. Why? How did I land here? Me! Just me! Seems so silly. But you know, there are a lot of other people who did it, too. And we've all come together in this tiny corner of the world. Travelers. Passing through each other's procession of life. But then we go on, don't we? I have to remember this when I'm down about missing my friends. It's a lifetime journey. We pass in and out of each other's lives. Sometime we come back quite regular -- like Haley's Comet. But seriously. The circles -- orbits -- cross. Some return, some don't. But they've all had an effect. Their "gravity" has altered our course a little bit. We're all molded by the people we interact with. Look at what you learn from your parents. Or what about someone who brought a bad experience to your life? How has that changed you? It's there. You still remember it, don't you? It's there. In your life history.
12:10
Well, the tape just self-destructed. So I had to change the music to "Cosmic Thing." I'm off that last train of thought. But it was a nice ride, wasn't it? Yeah. makes sense. Thanks, friends!
12:12
I just had to get up and close the blinds again. Right when I get philosophical and mushy. But I was paranoid of people watching me. From down below in the plaza. (Okay, it's a parking lot.) Plaza Ruiz Valle. My home. In this chapter of my life. I wonder where I'm going next. I can honestly say I don't have the slightest clue. Really. How exciting. (My confused twin says, "How frightening.) How brave! (How irresponsible.) How confident! (How insecure.) How adventurous! (How lonely.) Reflections on my life right now. Torn. Off the map.
12:20
Man, I need to publish this. Any one of these ideas I've been given to in the past two hours would probably work. Just got to do it! Doubt. Doubt. Doubt. Incredible Doubt. "The Awful Dynn" -- The Phantom Tollbooth. I can't believe I related my "Little Match Girl" story in Amsterdam to Gitta. How funny. She, of course, is Danish, so she knows the story. I miss Gitta! She's a truly great friend. And we'll probably never see each other again. Aw hell, why not? The world's not that big!
12:26
Here's something to pass time. If you were having a party with any 100 friends/family, etc., who would you invite? Transportation's not a problem. Like if you suddenly became a billionaire and wanted to throw a big party with your favorite people. Who would you pick? What if it were 50? 25? Now it's really tough. Weird thought to "rank" your friends. Suddenly I don't like it. But it's interesting at the 100 people level. It's 12:30. Doubtful about going out.
12:34
I can't get rid of my confused twin. Why can't I come to a simple decision? I jumped up, opened the blinds, went out on the terrace. I was thinking of going out. Yeah. Why not? See what Annelies is doing. But... Why can't you just enjoy a night at home by yourself -- without having to worry about the people you "might have met" if you had gone out. Just get stoned. Enjoy the ride. Why always have doubts about my decisions? Or lack of decisions. I really have to make a definite plan for tonight. I did think I'd go out, though. Is it okay to change your mind?....Every 42 seconds?? Roam if you want to. My mind is roaming. I could go out to see if anyone's at Bolivia/Donde. Only Tomas might be. Worth the "risk"? What if no one's there? Then you've blown it, blockhead! Shut up, Lucy. Lucy. That's my twin. My twin has a name now.
12:47
Whichever decision you make, it's okay! You did what you needed to do at that point in your life-journey. I had made the decision to go out -- again. But now I'm wavering again. But it just doesn't matter. Either way is an exciting path. Outward. Inward. So much to be experienced in both caminos. Past. present. Future. "Our universe is expanding." -- Topaz by B-52s. What a great journal experience this is!
1:14
Okay. At that party with 100 people, which 100 songs would you play? I'm going to do this sometime. The list, I mean. Not necessarily the party -- although I'd love to. My going-away party was almost 50. I really hadn't meant to write more tonight. I'm in for the duration. Contacts are OUT! Ice cream is about to come out of the congelador. I'm listening to "Oh boy, Oh boy" Las Vegas!
1:21
SHIT! I'm writing a letter to John Zerfas asking when we're going to go to Las Vegas again. I wrote that I'm stoned and was about to write that I'm home alone, stoned, writing on a Friday night. Now John would definitely be one to go out instead of staying in. So I'm thinking, "Shit. Should I have gone out?" No! You're fine! Baby!
1:25
Still haven't touched the ice cream. Willpower. No... Nougat flavor. Yech. I crack myself up.
1:29
Okay, so I won't touch the ice cream, but what I do have is pound cake-type baked good. With some milk. Yumm. Paul's surprise birthday party is starting.
1:34
I'm sitting here thinking about making the Spaulding Gray-type movie. Trying to get funding. Having someone say they want to produce my script. I say, "No! It's mine! I have to do it." I'm really getting tired now. Pound cake!
1:40
I rarely have a "tall" glass of milk. But now I'm having one. I was in the kitchen doing some more "acting." Trying to explain all the details of this experience. And having people say, "Yeah, but wasn't that obvious?" or, "Well, was it pound cake or not? What's this pound cake-type baked good? Isn't it just Spanish pound cake?" And I'm getting all defensive.
1:44
Just as I sat down for my pound cake and tall glass of milk, the music ran out. Shit! Had to get up and put on "Songs for Europe" again. I don't know why I had stopped it. That made me think of my MSU video project with Roxy Music's "A Song for Europe." That really was pretty nice. Very amateur, but a nice idea. And "A Second Chance," our Twilight Zone episode with Char STARon and Matt! Hee, hee, hee! I have to write that down and send it to Matt.
1:52
That pound cake and milk was so good. I want some more! It's really windy. A so refreshing cool breeze. It rained a bit this afternoon. After this past heat. Uf. It's been so hot.
2:16
Just finished the letter to John. It was a good letter. He'll enjoy it. Music's been gone for a while. I'd love to hear "American Pie" right now!! God, that'd be great. Let's see if it's on the radio!
2:18
Nope. No "American Pie." Here's "Major Tom." Flamenco. "Ramalamadingdong" from the bar down the hill. Shit. I should go there! What else? WJOI-type music. Blues guitar! Motown. Hall and Oats. Glen Campbell! Really! "Las Chicas," a current Spanish pop favorite. More flamenco. Piano jazz. Talk show. Flamenco! That was an interesting selection! I'm recording the flamenco. It's really great music. Equivalent to American Blues, I think. An acquired but fervent taste.
2:32
And, yes, I did have another serving of pound cake and milk. And I'm getting into this flamenco music.
2:46
I thought of many things as I was getting ready for bed. But I can't write them all. Too much. Overload. Now they're lost forever.... I'm not quite ready for bed, though. I should write another letter. Or something. Annelies reminds me of Suzanne.
3:14
Rollerblade, I was watching. After an extremely slow French movie with no dialog. Just airy background music. I didn't have a clue what it was. Starsky and Hutch and a too-goofy-to-be-real "love" movie are the only 2 things left. I miss cable! I'm in Spain. Watching Starsky and Hutch.
I feel like I'm wrestling with demons. Once again, I'm torn. Haven't yet heard the results of today's meeting, but I'm so pessimistic. I think I should walk out now -- before tomorrow's wedding if I'm not paid. Or on Monday. But the fact is, I need that money. So I'm stuck, aren't I? Does the "principle" outweigh the economics? If I work until the 15th at least I'd get some money. That just makes sense. Then I could fuck 'em. Rent is due next week. I don't think I can withdraw from Visa for another 2 weeks. Stuck. No, of course I'm not really. Annelies could lend me money. There's MasterCard, too. But this really sucks having this weigh on my mind all the time. It was nice talking to Corrine and Annelies about it. Corrine says she had a great job in Holland, a house, a boyfriend, a Mercedes. But she left it. And now she's struggling. But for her, it's worth it. I just don't know if it's worth it for me. She says she has no regrets. Well, I don't have regrets for coming here, just maybe for staying now. If I stay now, I mean. Up to now -- no problem. But now I'm doubting more. I think of calling Matt, but then Laurie Anderson sings, "I don't need anybody's help, I'm gonna get there on my own." So anyhow, as always it boils down to money, doesn't it? But doesn't getting paid -- on time, in full -- also represent respect? I don't like not being respected. I don't like being "used." It batters the self-esteem.
10:10 pm
I'm gonna eat eggs tonight. Wow. I think I'm stoned. I'm so mad I left my journal at work. How stupid! But I have to write on something. I got "paid" with hash today. Hah! Not bad. Shit. I'm stoned. I'm so mad that I'll have to transcribe this. I hope nobody comes over. I want to be alone right now. I have to remember to call Paul's surprise birthday party tonight. No way! I don't think I'll be able to leave this apartment tonight. I really wanted to go to Bolivia to see if Tomas is there. Maybe I will. It's not late yet. Best time to go is 12:30 -- two hours from now. Strange hours -- especially in the summer. Many businesses close for the day at 2 or 3. Many are closed completely for the month of August. Vacaciones. But people don't eat dinner until midnight -- the beachfront restaurants are packed until almost 1 am. And they don't go to the bar until that time or later. Night life continues until 8 or 9 am. Really! I wish I had gone back to the Feria again last week.
10:35
I can't believe what I just "had to do" and how much I accomplished. I'm so stoned I decided to close the door and lower the blinds and put on the headphones, because I didn't want anyone to stop by. I couldn't deal with having to speak -- Spanish -- right now. So I saw the eggs. I guess I should explain that prologue. I was making hard-boiled eggs. Now I'm confused. I thought I just did this egg thing during the door/blinds episode. But I see I wrote about the eggs before that trip. Anyway, I'm so stoned I'll need to eat something and since the eggs are available, I thought I'd probably end up eating them although it doesn't sound so good to me right now. I do have some ice cream. That and brownies....the all-time best thing to eat when you're colgado. It's good to study these things. I'm listening to "Mammals" by They Might Be Giants. So many inputs. I'm trying to write about the past and I keep getting interrupted by the present! But these songs are so fucking weird! I love it! I just fall into it. It's inside me. We're one! "The Statue Got Me High." But that's one of the things I did during this descanso to withdraw into myself. I put on this CD. I was going to listen to the tape of Poi Dog Pondering, but the Sinead O'Connor side is at the beginning. I couldn't wait for it to rewind, and I just wasn't in a Sinead O'Connor mood right now. Know what I mean? Yeah, I thought so. So what I did with the eggs is put them into cold water. ("Spider" So fucking weird! In my head. "Get rid of. Must stop. He is our hero." Why does that make so much sense right now? Zongo! It's like spider is the marijuana. No. No.... Yes! "He is our hero!") Wow. I was just reviewing that entire "Spider" episode again. I was pretending to act it out -- a la Spaulding Gray. Storytelling. How I would tell it to a group. Now I'm just trying to review that last thought. And I'm so fucked up that I can't. Just can't! I have this music in my head and I can't concentrate. They're talking about salivating dogs. "Good dog." It's so confusing. Too many stimuli. What time is it now? 10:56. I just wrote for 20 minutes. Well, I was interrupted by thinking from time to time! The present taking over from the past. Time Wars! Off the map. That's where I am right now, Like that time I was in the corner of the ceiling at Matt and Eli's during the Super Bowl. I was right there in the corner of the ceiling. Now I'm off the map. I don't know this song. No words. Oh, that's no fun!
10:59
This sounds Madness-like. "The Hall of Hats" "The Hallowed Head"? What is it called? "The Song of the Hall of Heads," I think. I don't have a clue. Am I going to be able to go out tonight? Doubt it! Peligroso. Spines aren't straight! They're supposed to be curved. That's from "Which Describes How You're Feeling All The Time." "Dots and Lines" sounds mod-ish. There are no limits to music. You can go anywhere. Even off the map. Work. Jerk.
11:09
"A paper-white mask of evil." I was just storytelling again. Imagining videotaping this trip. It could be edited. And win some avant-garde film festival. Really! Hmmm. I mean, where do these things come from? All these far-out ideas were thoughts just like this once. But some are realized. I'm writing too fast. No. Not fast enough to record all this. And now it's "Fingertips." I have to get lost in it. Oh! I can't believe it! "Mysterious whisper." "What's that blue thing doing here?" "I don't understand you." "I'm havin' a heart attack." Stop writing!
11:16
That's a fantastic song. Incredibly performed. Reality -- sprung forth from fantasy. Just made that up (and I'm pretty proud of it, thank you.)
11:18
I'm out of music. Oh man! What I meant to write back at 11:09 was that I ate an egg already! How did I forget that? The present heaving aside the past again. I was just thinking again of the videotaping idea. And thinking that I couldn't do it. How embarrassing! But didn't MTV recently videotape the home life of seven young adults for several months? I think that's fantastic. I'd love to see it -- if it's real. Not acting. Several of those people were performers. I wonder if they "acted" their home-life for three months. Checking every movement, every emotion. Arrgh. How horrible that would be! Everything you do! No way. It's a hoax. They didn't really record everything. Man. TMBG is over, but now I'm hearing "Please Don't Go" from the disco down the hill. Loud. Strong wind. At 11:18 I had meant to get up out of this chair. I haven't yet. It's 11:26.
11:29
That was tough! Picking out music to play. But I decided finally on "Songs for Europe," a compilation tape I made before last year's trip. Very nice choice. Strong, yet fruity. I want to sit on the terrace, but I still can't face anyone. I'm gonna have another egg.
11:33
What is it you're supposed to put in hard-boiled egg water to make the, easy to peel? Vinegar? Am I high?
11:35
Here's Laurie Anderson's "Monkey's Paw." She's so good to crawl inside. Nothing meant by that. Well, yes, something, but not that! Time for some ice cream -- with almonds (I swear!) That with eggs and beer? Well. Maybe later. I'm not going to re-write this. It gets stuffed in. Could I concentrate on one thing long enough when I'm high to write a screenplay? I'm thinking of this videotaping thing again. Well, no, actually the Spaulding Gray performance. That would need to be scripted, no? No! Of course not! Well, maybe. It's like the MTV thing. Needs to look spontaneous and real. But is it really just acting? Is someone knocking on my door? I don't know. "Deadbeat Club" is in my ears. "Love Can be Stranger Than Fiction" while I was fregarplato-ing -- washing dishes. And now I just got deja-vu. Really. Oh, it's 11:46. I meant to get some beer from the fridge.
11:49
I love Spain right now. Happy with myself. Right with the world. I do think I'll still go out tonight. I was right an hour and a half ago. Plenty of time to do it all. My beer is way over there on top of the fridge! Why is it there? And I'm here! Why didn't it come with me? Distracciones. Gettin' the beer now.
11:53
I have to go outside for "Life from A Window."
11:57
It was nice being out there. "Observing everything around you." But I have to admit I was a bit paranoid. Still not ready to come out of my little world just yet. And no one can come in -- right now. Oh, there's Matilde! Hide! Whew. That was close. Maybe I'm too tired to go out. Just like my life. Can't decide. I have to work a wedding tomorrow night. Drag. I can't believe I'm in Spain. Why? How did I land here? Me! Just me! Seems so silly. But you know, there are a lot of other people who did it, too. And we've all come together in this tiny corner of the world. Travelers. Passing through each other's procession of life. But then we go on, don't we? I have to remember this when I'm down about missing my friends. It's a lifetime journey. We pass in and out of each other's lives. Sometime we come back quite regular -- like Haley's Comet. But seriously. The circles -- orbits -- cross. Some return, some don't. But they've all had an effect. Their "gravity" has altered our course a little bit. We're all molded by the people we interact with. Look at what you learn from your parents. Or what about someone who brought a bad experience to your life? How has that changed you? It's there. You still remember it, don't you? It's there. In your life history.
12:10
Well, the tape just self-destructed. So I had to change the music to "Cosmic Thing." I'm off that last train of thought. But it was a nice ride, wasn't it? Yeah. makes sense. Thanks, friends!
12:12
I just had to get up and close the blinds again. Right when I get philosophical and mushy. But I was paranoid of people watching me. From down below in the plaza. (Okay, it's a parking lot.) Plaza Ruiz Valle. My home. In this chapter of my life. I wonder where I'm going next. I can honestly say I don't have the slightest clue. Really. How exciting. (My confused twin says, "How frightening.) How brave! (How irresponsible.) How confident! (How insecure.) How adventurous! (How lonely.) Reflections on my life right now. Torn. Off the map.
12:20
Man, I need to publish this. Any one of these ideas I've been given to in the past two hours would probably work. Just got to do it! Doubt. Doubt. Doubt. Incredible Doubt. "The Awful Dynn" -- The Phantom Tollbooth. I can't believe I related my "Little Match Girl" story in Amsterdam to Gitta. How funny. She, of course, is Danish, so she knows the story. I miss Gitta! She's a truly great friend. And we'll probably never see each other again. Aw hell, why not? The world's not that big!
12:26
Here's something to pass time. If you were having a party with any 100 friends/family, etc., who would you invite? Transportation's not a problem. Like if you suddenly became a billionaire and wanted to throw a big party with your favorite people. Who would you pick? What if it were 50? 25? Now it's really tough. Weird thought to "rank" your friends. Suddenly I don't like it. But it's interesting at the 100 people level. It's 12:30. Doubtful about going out.
12:34
I can't get rid of my confused twin. Why can't I come to a simple decision? I jumped up, opened the blinds, went out on the terrace. I was thinking of going out. Yeah. Why not? See what Annelies is doing. But... Why can't you just enjoy a night at home by yourself -- without having to worry about the people you "might have met" if you had gone out. Just get stoned. Enjoy the ride. Why always have doubts about my decisions? Or lack of decisions. I really have to make a definite plan for tonight. I did think I'd go out, though. Is it okay to change your mind?....Every 42 seconds?? Roam if you want to. My mind is roaming. I could go out to see if anyone's at Bolivia/Donde. Only Tomas might be. Worth the "risk"? What if no one's there? Then you've blown it, blockhead! Shut up, Lucy. Lucy. That's my twin. My twin has a name now.
12:47
Whichever decision you make, it's okay! You did what you needed to do at that point in your life-journey. I had made the decision to go out -- again. But now I'm wavering again. But it just doesn't matter. Either way is an exciting path. Outward. Inward. So much to be experienced in both caminos. Past. present. Future. "Our universe is expanding." -- Topaz by B-52s. What a great journal experience this is!
1:14
Okay. At that party with 100 people, which 100 songs would you play? I'm going to do this sometime. The list, I mean. Not necessarily the party -- although I'd love to. My going-away party was almost 50. I really hadn't meant to write more tonight. I'm in for the duration. Contacts are OUT! Ice cream is about to come out of the congelador. I'm listening to "Oh boy, Oh boy" Las Vegas!
1:21
SHIT! I'm writing a letter to John Zerfas asking when we're going to go to Las Vegas again. I wrote that I'm stoned and was about to write that I'm home alone, stoned, writing on a Friday night. Now John would definitely be one to go out instead of staying in. So I'm thinking, "Shit. Should I have gone out?" No! You're fine! Baby!
1:25
Still haven't touched the ice cream. Willpower. No... Nougat flavor. Yech. I crack myself up.
1:29
Okay, so I won't touch the ice cream, but what I do have is pound cake-type baked good. With some milk. Yumm. Paul's surprise birthday party is starting.
1:34
I'm sitting here thinking about making the Spaulding Gray-type movie. Trying to get funding. Having someone say they want to produce my script. I say, "No! It's mine! I have to do it." I'm really getting tired now. Pound cake!
1:40
I rarely have a "tall" glass of milk. But now I'm having one. I was in the kitchen doing some more "acting." Trying to explain all the details of this experience. And having people say, "Yeah, but wasn't that obvious?" or, "Well, was it pound cake or not? What's this pound cake-type baked good? Isn't it just Spanish pound cake?" And I'm getting all defensive.
1:44
Just as I sat down for my pound cake and tall glass of milk, the music ran out. Shit! Had to get up and put on "Songs for Europe" again. I don't know why I had stopped it. That made me think of my MSU video project with Roxy Music's "A Song for Europe." That really was pretty nice. Very amateur, but a nice idea. And "A Second Chance," our Twilight Zone episode with Char STARon and Matt! Hee, hee, hee! I have to write that down and send it to Matt.
1:52
That pound cake and milk was so good. I want some more! It's really windy. A so refreshing cool breeze. It rained a bit this afternoon. After this past heat. Uf. It's been so hot.
2:16
Just finished the letter to John. It was a good letter. He'll enjoy it. Music's been gone for a while. I'd love to hear "American Pie" right now!! God, that'd be great. Let's see if it's on the radio!
2:18
Nope. No "American Pie." Here's "Major Tom." Flamenco. "Ramalamadingdong" from the bar down the hill. Shit. I should go there! What else? WJOI-type music. Blues guitar! Motown. Hall and Oats. Glen Campbell! Really! "Las Chicas," a current Spanish pop favorite. More flamenco. Piano jazz. Talk show. Flamenco! That was an interesting selection! I'm recording the flamenco. It's really great music. Equivalent to American Blues, I think. An acquired but fervent taste.
2:32
And, yes, I did have another serving of pound cake and milk. And I'm getting into this flamenco music.
2:46
I thought of many things as I was getting ready for bed. But I can't write them all. Too much. Overload. Now they're lost forever.... I'm not quite ready for bed, though. I should write another letter. Or something. Annelies reminds me of Suzanne.
3:14
Rollerblade, I was watching. After an extremely slow French movie with no dialog. Just airy background music. I didn't have a clue what it was. Starsky and Hutch and a too-goofy-to-be-real "love" movie are the only 2 things left. I miss cable! I'm in Spain. Watching Starsky and Hutch.
Thursday, August 27, 1992
5:00 pm
Things are looking suspicious at work. Herbert and Bernardo met today, but there's another meeting tomorrow. Herbert told me that they're thinking of moving. Rent's too much. He also talked about getting paid immediately for each wedding. Great. But what about the rest? I get the feeling they're going to keep telling me to "sit tight." I'll tell them I need the money by Monday to pay the rent. Otherwise, I'll walk. I'll tell them that I'll come back when I'm paid. I think that's fair. It's still too hot to do anything. So I'm wasting time. I don't like that. Especially alone. I tried calling Maria Jose today. I left Kasia's number at home, so I didn't call her. Not that we could play tennis in this heat, but we could do something. With Tomas!
Things are looking suspicious at work. Herbert and Bernardo met today, but there's another meeting tomorrow. Herbert told me that they're thinking of moving. Rent's too much. He also talked about getting paid immediately for each wedding. Great. But what about the rest? I get the feeling they're going to keep telling me to "sit tight." I'll tell them I need the money by Monday to pay the rent. Otherwise, I'll walk. I'll tell them that I'll come back when I'm paid. I think that's fair. It's still too hot to do anything. So I'm wasting time. I don't like that. Especially alone. I tried calling Maria Jose today. I left Kasia's number at home, so I didn't call her. Not that we could play tennis in this heat, but we could do something. With Tomas!
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