4:00 pm

Ay! Semana Santa! I went out with the new Alhambra gang last night. Met some nice girls. Yes, all girls once again. But we did have fun. Danced at several discos. Drank a lot. I persuaded everyone to go to Havana at 5:00. I was hoping to see Yop there, but he wasn't there. Why am I becoming obsessed with him? I guess I need a constant obsession. And Bob is just too far away. So I may have a job! I talked with this guy from the ad I responded to last week. He's starting a video production company and needs someone who has video experience. Perfect. I'll meet with him and his partners on Tuesday. It looks really good! But, of course, I'm cautious until I know more. Joaquin was out with us last night and when he introduced himself to my friends, he said that I work with him! How strange. Yes, Mike, something will work out! I talked to Jane. We'll meet in Sevilla next Wednesday. Cool. I'm still planning to go to Detroit in two weeks. Cool 2. Sitting in the sun on the terrace today. The beach is too windy. I don't know if I'll stay out late again tonight.

12:10 am

Yea, I'm stoned. Been a while. Yop and I talked last night about smoking weed. I'll have to invite him over here Friday night to get stoned before we go out. Or after we go out. Then we'd be alone for the rest of the night. Up on the terrace smoking, getting romantic. Sounds good to me. I don't want Barbara and Gitta to be there, though. Barbara and I talked about drugs today, too. She's in favor of legalizing all drugs. She really surprises me sometimes. She's a really neat person. We'll have to get high some time, too. I'm listening to a jazz program on the radio. I love it. All music is great when you're stoned. I miss Neil right now. He'd love to get high with me up on my terrace overlooking the Mediterranean. Why didn't it work out between Neil and me? Gosh, Mike, it's been 1 1/2 years. That was a fantastic summer with Neil. Actually, it was this past summer when we got stoned on my back deck. We never did get stoned when we were dating. Why not? Oh, I'm seeing a great vision. Bob getting the job in Oakland. Me moving there with him. Neil being a neighbor. We'd have a great deck up on a hill -- a nice view of the ocean. We could get stoned there. I miss Neil! ¡Ojalá! Maybe the dream will come true. I want all my friends to be together forever. Not just Neil and Bob, but my friends from school, Affirmations, from here in Spain. I want them all to stay with me forever. What, am I feeling lonely here? Not really. I'm just enjoying the stream of consciousness. In many ways getting stoned alone is much better than with others. You can record things. You can be so into things. I'm enjoying this jazz, but I'm thinking I should listen to a station with Spanish songs. I think I could learn more words now if I listened. I'd be so in tune. You know, I don't seem to have the same concentration -- no, it's not that, it's "filtration" -- problem with my hearing when I'm high. Another medical use for pot. But really, folks, I have a serious hearing problem in bars. I can never hear the person talking to me. My ears are so distracted. Not just once in a while, when the music is really loud. All the time. Even when someone's close to me and there's a TV on nearby. It happened when talking with María José at Pepe's or at Havana talking to Estefan and Katherine. I wonder if something can be done to help it. Damn. I don't have any insurance anymore. I really am understanding this person speaking Spanish on the radio even though I'm not really concentrating on it. I love the way Andre and Yop show something's really good by kissing the tips of their fingers. They both do it all the time. It's a Dutch thing, I guess. Although it seems French, too. Different customs. Thumbs up. OK sign. I do the OK sign when I signify something really good. How about that? I wonder if Andre or Yop have noticed that and are writing it in their journal. Yea. I love being stoned. But it's still never care-free. I'm thinking I should call Jane before I go to bed. But I have no desire to get dressed and go out to the phone box and call. For one thing, I'm too stoned now, and it's still early -- only 6:30 pm -- there. But I'll be so tired later. I'll just want to go to bed. I was out rather late/early last night. But I need to talk to her! Let's not worry 'bout it right now, 'k? I just re-read the letter from Antonio in Barcelona. I can't believe I haven't written him since I've been here. I'd do it now, but I'm enjoying writing this. But I'm stopping for now.


1:30 am

I'm back. I tried calling Jane, but she wasn't home. Told her to call me tomorrow. I'm not really tired, but I should go to bed. I was going to go to the airport tomorrow and book a flight for the 30th, but maybe I should wait until Monday. See if I hear from this job prospect. I don't know where I'll be living when I come back. The rents are supposed to go to $1000/month in June. I may need to find a place in the center. Inconvenient for work and the beach, but cheaper. I could ride my bike into Pedregalejo. Not so bad. I get all these fantastic images in my head of how my life might be in the future. That's fun. Actually, the life I lead now is a former dream of the future, isn't it? And the dream came true! On the terrace overlooking the sea. I'm going to miss this place! I should take pictures tomorrow. "I go home. Gonna eat somefing." -- Andre.

4:00 pm

The past two days have been rather relaxing. Just sitting in the sun on my terrace. Not doing a thing, really. Yesterday, I talked to Bob. I miss him more every time I talk to him. We're trying to finalize his plans for visiting. I'm now 99% sure that I'm going to Detroit in 2 weeks! It'll be nice. Joaquin told me we can start in June, but only part-time. We'll see if it's worth it. Of course, I could teach English on the side, too. Or pursue my video free-lance ideas. What, me worry? Last night I decided to go to the centro alone to see the Semana Santa processions. I ran into Yop, Katherine and others from Miramar. We wandered around for a while, then went to a few bars. Several, actually. A few discos, too. Then to Salsa and finally Havana. I had been ready to go home at 2:00, but we didn't. Katherine knew the bartender, Estefan, at Havana, so he gave us free drinks! Then it started to pick up, so we danced and danced -- until 7:00. Then we went out for chocolate y churros. It was really quite fun! I stopped by Gitta and Barbara's as they were leaving for school at 8:30 am. I love when I have unexpected adventures like that! I met several new people, too. Yea! I'm thinking of going again tonight. Coming home early, of course. Actually, I can't afford to drink every night. I do enjoy partying with Yop, though. I saw Dave and Gitta Sunday night. They're such nice people. I hope things work out for them. Hey, I managed to write this without mentioning Andre. Almost!

1:00 pm

Yeah, yeah. I'm holding back the tears. Andre just left. Yes, it was as hard as I thought it would be. I guess I feel a bit better that he was also holding back some tears. On to a new chapter in life. He was a good addition to my life. But now I'm forced to be a little more independent and that will be good. Last night we had a bunch of people over here. Then we went to Bolivia. Others went to the centro while this new girl, Jeanette, who lived in Birmingham, Michigan for a year, and I went to see a blues band and then went dancing here in Pedregalejo. Then we ran into Yop at Donde. We thought of going to Havana, but couldn't find a taxi. So he and I came back here and talked on the terrace. It was a beautiful night. Very romantic. Ay! There I go again! He wants to move in here in May. Yes, I know he's not gay, but again (as with Andre) I think there may be potential. Funny how doors close and others open. All right, that's it for my moping and feeling sorry for myself. I'm really happy for Andre. Just a little sad for myself.

5:50 am

Well, we've been keeping late nights, haven't we? Tonight we went to the usual Bolivia and Salsa, but I drank a lot, so it was more fun! Barbara and I went to Duna -- a dance bar near home -- later. We danced a little. I danced a lot. Even after she left, I danced some more by myself. Fun, fun. I did drink a lot. And spent a lot. I wish that Joop (pronounced "Yop", as in Horton Hears a Who) had stayed with us. He's a pretty sexy guy. Another cute Dutch guy. Anyway, he's pretty nice. We ran into Bek -- the Danish guy now working at Expo. All in all, it was fun. But, of course, I didn't meet any new men! I did play tennis with Frank. He's not very good, but it was good to get out and exercise. He's a nice guy. He introduced me to his cute friend, Eric, who's an English teacher at his French school. Potential! I got a fax from Bob today. I miss him so! I tried to call Jane, Jenny, Alyssa, Jill and John tonight. Nobody was home! Nothing else new!

12:05 am

Hello! I've had a nice day. Beautiful weather. Spent the day on the beach. Then Barbara, Gitta, Andre and I went to La Paloma for dinner. Andre got a job in Tenerife. He's leaving on Sunday. I'm glad he doesn't have to go back to Holland, but of course, I wish he could stay on the Costa. Elke, a German girl, and her friend who's visiting, will move in for a week next weekend. That's cool. I went to my first gay bar (in Málaga) Wednesday night. It was okay until the drag show. It lasted an hour -- much too long. I didn't talk to a single person, nor did I dance. I hated that. I should've forced myself to talk to someone. But I didn't. On the way home, (I walked along the beach -- it was a beautiful night) I got "picked up" by this guy driving by. At first I said no. I thought he was saying something about chicken -- pollo. Later I found out that polla means cock! Anyway, we had cheap sex in the car. What the hell. Not what I had expected with the evening! I came out to the group today when I told them I went to a gay bar last night. Not much of a reaction, really. But I feel so good that I told then the truth. Especially Andre. Maybe I'll go again this weekend. Or to Torremolinos. Jane's coming in 2 weeks. Yea! I'm playing tennis with my neighbor, Frank, tomorrow. Got tons of mail yesterday. Barb Browne sent me Girls Scout cookies and the Free Press and Steve and Bettie sent my junk mail. Talked to Rebecca last night. Her brother-in-law, Paul, died last week. I'm keeping in good spirits lately. Positive attitude!

4:50 am

Oh, I just !hate! when I feel like this! I know it's irrational. But I'm so emotional. I get so attached. I live in such a fantasy world. As I was leaving Bolivia tonight I saw Andre making out with a girl. God, I was crushed! Stupid, I know. But that's just the way I am. I suppose it's for the best. I do feel better about him leaving now! Shit! Everything hits me so hard. I tried to call Becky and Bob, but neither was home. I really needed to talk to Bob. To boost my self-esteem, maybe. I need to be in love! Shit! Anyway, on the way back from the phone box, I passed by Deirdre's house and she invited me in. We ended up talking for over an hour. It was very nice. Again, something positive immediately after something negative. Yes, someone is watching over me. Nonetheless, I'm depressed now. I have to tell myself again! You have to do it yourself, Mike! You're on your own! Andre won't be there. Do it! And don't worry so much! Dammit. You're in Spain! You've got friends who love you. You've got money to make it for a while. You're okay!