10:50 am
So here I am at work again with nothing to do. Pretty stupid. I could be sleeping! We stayed out until 3:30 last night. I still don't know this Dutch guy's name. But I talked to him quite a bit last night. Now I think, hmmm, maybe he is gay. I invited him and Gitta over for drinks tonight. But he's leaving tomorrow! Gotta make a move tonight! But I probably won't. Whine, whine. Why not? What do I have to lose? It's not like I'll see him again. Gotta be bold! He really is too cute! Rafa came over last night, too. Gitta, he and I talked on the terrace. Then Gitta went to the bar and we stayed and talked a bit. I don't know why I'm resisting getting involved with him. I like him too much for it to just be sex, but not enough for it to be more! So we'll remain friends! Friends. Yeah! Gotta have 'em. There was a great Brazilian -- I think -- band at Donde last night. I love watching live music. I wish I played an instrument. Do it!
Monday, August 3, 1992
Sunday, August 2, 1992
9:40 pm
I had a very nice time last night. I sat here reading and had a couple of beers and smoked a little. Then, of course, I didn't feel like going out. But I finally dragged myself to Donde at 1:00 am, where I found Annelies and Gitta. Annelies and I danced like crazy. It was fun to let loose and be silly. And we were silly. Dancing like drunks. I met this Dutch guy who's staying at the camping with Gitta. He's really nice -- and cute! We talked all night. He and Gitta and I went downtown, but there was absolutely nothing going on, so we came back to Donde until 6:00. I have a good time when I meet people there, but I find that difficult. Anyway, this guy -- I don't know his name! -- is traveling around Spain for a month. He'll be working in Barcelona next year, so I'll have to keep in touch. But why can't he be gay? And interested in me? I've been feeling good about "things" lately. About my life here. About letting the future take care of itself. I had gotten away from the "Carpe Diem" philosophy. I need to remind myself of my first several months here. What great things have happened. And will happen in the future.
I had a very nice time last night. I sat here reading and had a couple of beers and smoked a little. Then, of course, I didn't feel like going out. But I finally dragged myself to Donde at 1:00 am, where I found Annelies and Gitta. Annelies and I danced like crazy. It was fun to let loose and be silly. And we were silly. Dancing like drunks. I met this Dutch guy who's staying at the camping with Gitta. He's really nice -- and cute! We talked all night. He and Gitta and I went downtown, but there was absolutely nothing going on, so we came back to Donde until 6:00. I have a good time when I meet people there, but I find that difficult. Anyway, this guy -- I don't know his name! -- is traveling around Spain for a month. He'll be working in Barcelona next year, so I'll have to keep in touch. But why can't he be gay? And interested in me? I've been feeling good about "things" lately. About my life here. About letting the future take care of itself. I had gotten away from the "Carpe Diem" philosophy. I need to remind myself of my first several months here. What great things have happened. And will happen in the future.
Saturday, August 1, 1992
11:30 am
August already! I had an "okay" time going out with Gitta last night. Didn't meet any new people, but it was nice just to talk with her. It's great to gossip with her! I miss that! Like what's the deal with cute Fran and his even cuter (British?) friend? And I told her about Rafa. Haven't run into him since last Friday. There's a bit of a breeze today. Great. It was so hot yesterday -- even at night. I had wanted to go downtown, but we never made it. Maybe tonight. No wedding today. I'm free until Monday. Actually, I was free a lot this week. No work! It wouldn't be so bad having the afternoons off -- if I knew I was getting paid. We still haven't been paid for the weddings. I have very little faith in this company. And Alyssa just wrote me all excited about selling all her possessions and moving here to work with me. I'd better call her soon -- and burst her bubble! Jenny, too. God, I really wanted it to work out. We could've turned this town upside down! So anyway, work has me very worried. I need at least $700/month! A ver. I talked to Andre. He's coming to Málaga for a week. Unfortunately, I don't really have room for him and his friend.
August already! I had an "okay" time going out with Gitta last night. Didn't meet any new people, but it was nice just to talk with her. It's great to gossip with her! I miss that! Like what's the deal with cute Fran and his even cuter (British?) friend? And I told her about Rafa. Haven't run into him since last Friday. There's a bit of a breeze today. Great. It was so hot yesterday -- even at night. I had wanted to go downtown, but we never made it. Maybe tonight. No wedding today. I'm free until Monday. Actually, I was free a lot this week. No work! It wouldn't be so bad having the afternoons off -- if I knew I was getting paid. We still haven't been paid for the weddings. I have very little faith in this company. And Alyssa just wrote me all excited about selling all her possessions and moving here to work with me. I'd better call her soon -- and burst her bubble! Jenny, too. God, I really wanted it to work out. We could've turned this town upside down! So anyway, work has me very worried. I need at least $700/month! A ver. I talked to Andre. He's coming to Málaga for a week. Unfortunately, I don't really have room for him and his friend.
Wednesday, July 29, 1992
7:00 pmWhat a great surprise!! As I was sitting watching the Olympics last night, I heard my name being called. To my surprise, there was Gitta down below! She's here on holiday for 2 weeks. She said she had faxed me, but I hadn't picked it up from the school. She asked around at Donde about me and got all sorts of rumors -- that I had left and such. Annelies overheard her questions and told her where I lived. How funny. I'm so happy! I've missed her! We were out at Donde until 4 am last night. I had been at Pinky and James's until 1:30 for dinner and drinks. That was really nice. A very good day, really. Realized that I had friends! I'm sure Gitta's presence will "force" me to go out more. I suppose that's good. Just have to watch the expenditures. But I've been doing well. I have to realize that it's worth a $2.00 investment to go out and be with people. For example, I'm sitting outside at Gallerna right now. I should do this more often. Just one drink, though. I went into work today and wrote letters and read the paper. Herbert finally came in at 1:00. Gave me a Communion to edit, then said to take the afternoon off. But what about pay? He said we'll get paid for the weddings tomorrow. Someone called with a complaint about one of the weddings I edited. So what am I doing wrong? I thought that one turned out pretty nice. Shit. I get so discouraged. But you know, it just doesn't matter. It's not like a parent complaining in BH. This is transient stuff. I can walk away at any time. And hey! I'm in Spain! So fuck it!
I can't believe all the garbage on the beach and in the water here. Gross. It's been so hot lately. I want to go to Expo! Or Morocco. Or Detroit.
Sunday, July 26, 1992
9:00 pm
I've been "cautiously up" lately. It's a shame that I have to qualify everything. Of course I'm still in a state of flux. I've actually been feeling a little better at work, but I don't know what next week will bring. Not much work to do. Will they still pay me? 'Course not. Maybe they'll pay me on the 31st, though. I think I do need to stick with it. I was thinking of looking into teaching English. I do miss teaching. But I don't know how easy it would be. Pinky seems to think it would be difficult without working papers. But what does he know? "Things have always worked out in the past." De's been pretty down about things. She's contemplating leaving. Actually, my conversation with her last week was my first in English for a while. I went out with Danny, Kiko and Rafa Friday night. We just went to the bar around the corner, but it was okay. I would've liked to have gone to Torremolinos. We did look through some Spanish gay magazines and talk gay subjects and jokes. I do need that from time to time. Rafa came up to my apartment after a while. I know I felt a bit of sexual tension in the air. But we just talked. I suppose if I were a little more borracho, I would've made a move. Even though I don't like his teeth. He's a nice guy. And something probably will happen between us in the future. I've got a feeling. Then I think, hmmm... is Bob fooling around? Shit. That unpredictable future. Two other girls I know here told me today that they're leaving. Hmmm. But I'm successful here, right? How do I define success? Friends more than money of course. Weather more than money. But friends more than weather? What kind of wacky definition is that?! Success is an inner contentment. That I haven't found. "Still haven't found what I'm looking for." Maybe it's further down the costa. We did another wedding yesterday. It had absolutely no coordination. Another frustrating Monday tomorrow when we discuss the results and the problems. Annelies is back. I'm glad. We took a bike ride to the market yesterday. But we're always speaking Spanish. I need to switch to English to really tell her what's going on in my life. I'd like to see Yop. We should get stoned together. Just the two of us. I wonder if Rafa gets high. My thoughts are all over the place tonight. It's because I haven't written in a while. And I'm mildly stoned. María's pot's the sleepy kind. I hate that. I've been watching the Olympics. Of course, I now feel I'm being anti-social. All these expectations that I think I need to live up to. Stuuupid! ¡Disfrútate! I do feel that I can live my life pretty freely here. Then why didn't I tell Pinky that I prefer to "ogle" hombres? He was commenting on the girls passing by. I'm listening to the cool Sat/Sun. night music program they have on Canal Sur Uno. David Sanborne right now. I feel I need to write to Bob tonight. I've been thinking about money. (Oh really? How novel.) Will I get $600/month or $800? Say $250 on rent, then $350 left ($11/day!) or $550 ($18/day.) But then, I need to save some, too. Air fare, other major purchases. I don't want to touch that $5000 in the bank. God, I've already spent $13,000 of my inheritance! And I just want to travel more! Man, I don't even have $5000 in the bank. More like $4000. Ouch! Okay, no going out all this week. (Unless....) I am determined to start pinching pesetas.
I've been "cautiously up" lately. It's a shame that I have to qualify everything. Of course I'm still in a state of flux. I've actually been feeling a little better at work, but I don't know what next week will bring. Not much work to do. Will they still pay me? 'Course not. Maybe they'll pay me on the 31st, though. I think I do need to stick with it. I was thinking of looking into teaching English. I do miss teaching. But I don't know how easy it would be. Pinky seems to think it would be difficult without working papers. But what does he know? "Things have always worked out in the past." De's been pretty down about things. She's contemplating leaving. Actually, my conversation with her last week was my first in English for a while. I went out with Danny, Kiko and Rafa Friday night. We just went to the bar around the corner, but it was okay. I would've liked to have gone to Torremolinos. We did look through some Spanish gay magazines and talk gay subjects and jokes. I do need that from time to time. Rafa came up to my apartment after a while. I know I felt a bit of sexual tension in the air. But we just talked. I suppose if I were a little more borracho, I would've made a move. Even though I don't like his teeth. He's a nice guy. And something probably will happen between us in the future. I've got a feeling. Then I think, hmmm... is Bob fooling around? Shit. That unpredictable future. Two other girls I know here told me today that they're leaving. Hmmm. But I'm successful here, right? How do I define success? Friends more than money of course. Weather more than money. But friends more than weather? What kind of wacky definition is that?! Success is an inner contentment. That I haven't found. "Still haven't found what I'm looking for." Maybe it's further down the costa. We did another wedding yesterday. It had absolutely no coordination. Another frustrating Monday tomorrow when we discuss the results and the problems. Annelies is back. I'm glad. We took a bike ride to the market yesterday. But we're always speaking Spanish. I need to switch to English to really tell her what's going on in my life. I'd like to see Yop. We should get stoned together. Just the two of us. I wonder if Rafa gets high. My thoughts are all over the place tonight. It's because I haven't written in a while. And I'm mildly stoned. María's pot's the sleepy kind. I hate that. I've been watching the Olympics. Of course, I now feel I'm being anti-social. All these expectations that I think I need to live up to. Stuuupid! ¡Disfrútate! I do feel that I can live my life pretty freely here. Then why didn't I tell Pinky that I prefer to "ogle" hombres? He was commenting on the girls passing by. I'm listening to the cool Sat/Sun. night music program they have on Canal Sur Uno. David Sanborne right now. I feel I need to write to Bob tonight. I've been thinking about money. (Oh really? How novel.) Will I get $600/month or $800? Say $250 on rent, then $350 left ($11/day!) or $550 ($18/day.) But then, I need to save some, too. Air fare, other major purchases. I don't want to touch that $5000 in the bank. God, I've already spent $13,000 of my inheritance! And I just want to travel more! Man, I don't even have $5000 in the bank. More like $4000. Ouch! Okay, no going out all this week. (Unless....) I am determined to start pinching pesetas.
Thursday, July 23, 1992
1:50 am
It's great when things "happen." Yes, sometimes you have to make them happen. They don't happen when you stay home every night! Elisabeth invited me to a fiesta tonight. Turns out there was none, but we went downtown instead. On her moto. I forgot how fun it can be! The great music at Casa del Conde. The music I remember from Salsa in February-April. At Salsa, I ran into not one, but two people I knew Karen, from England, who's back in Málaga on holiday. And Antonio, the friend of Barbara's. I told him I was working now, but didn't have many friends here now. He took my work number and said he'd call me for the Feria. How cool! So much can happen if you "just do it." And to think I was planning my escape earlier. I still don't know if I can last past November, but we'll see. Friends would make the difference. I was drying my hierba on the terrace today. The bowl got knocked over and I had to retrieve the marijuana leaves from the suelo. Goofy. I bought a TV today. Yay! I feel like a human being again. Watched a bit of "Alf" and "Moonlighting." In Spanish, of course! I think it will prove to be worth the $220 investment. Hey, I'm getting pretty excited about the Democrats' chances this November. Wouldn't that be great? I do feel sorry I'm missing it, though!
It's great when things "happen." Yes, sometimes you have to make them happen. They don't happen when you stay home every night! Elisabeth invited me to a fiesta tonight. Turns out there was none, but we went downtown instead. On her moto. I forgot how fun it can be! The great music at Casa del Conde. The music I remember from Salsa in February-April. At Salsa, I ran into not one, but two people I knew Karen, from England, who's back in Málaga on holiday. And Antonio, the friend of Barbara's. I told him I was working now, but didn't have many friends here now. He took my work number and said he'd call me for the Feria. How cool! So much can happen if you "just do it." And to think I was planning my escape earlier. I still don't know if I can last past November, but we'll see. Friends would make the difference. I was drying my hierba on the terrace today. The bowl got knocked over and I had to retrieve the marijuana leaves from the suelo. Goofy. I bought a TV today. Yay! I feel like a human being again. Watched a bit of "Alf" and "Moonlighting." In Spanish, of course! I think it will prove to be worth the $220 investment. Hey, I'm getting pretty excited about the Democrats' chances this November. Wouldn't that be great? I do feel sorry I'm missing it, though!
Monday, July 20, 1992
3:50 pm
I know I shouldn't let things get to me. But I'm not so thick-skinned. Yesterday, I was talking to Elisabeth about the future. I said that I have no idea what I'll do. One day I think one thing, the next, another. I said I plan to stay here until April or May and go back to the States and take classes for a Master's in the fall. But, I added, ask me tomorrow and things may have changed. Today, after getting frustrated again at work, I want to run away again. I think that I'm wasting my life here. I'm struggling financially, socially, professionally. If I were offered my job back at Bloomfield Hills, I'd take it. I know I have to stick it out. I am learning Spanish. Slowly.
11:30 pm
This is my life. I'm sleeping on an "army cot." All my possessions in an apartment the size of a dorm room. The shower is so small that my back rubs against the shower curtain because of the placement of the hot water tank on the wall. I have to turn it on 20 minutes before I take a shower so it'll be warm enough. And, of course, water goes everywhere. I have to mop up after every shower! And the sink leaks. I have to tell the manager. How do you say that in Spanish? The stove was acting up this morning. Gas kinda exploded when I lit the burner. Endearing qualities of this place. I sleep with a can of Raid by my bed. They've never heard of screens here.
Elisabeth brought me some marijuana leaves from María. How fun! Yes, I feel okay now, but it's only after a couple of glasses of red, red wine. Makes me forget. I managed to write a few more postcards and letters. Over 30 so far! I do have a lot of friends. And I am thankful for that. And yet, I feel very lonely. Strange life. But I live strange. It's so hot tonight. I took a cool shower, but I don't know if I'll be able to sleep. I've been sleeping with wet towels - literally. I want to work early tomorrow to beat the heat. It was hell from 4:30 - 8:00 pm today. ¡Que calor! What an experience life is! Choose wisely. Don't be afraid to change your mind, though. Every day, every person, is an adventure. ¡Solamente hazlo!
I know I shouldn't let things get to me. But I'm not so thick-skinned. Yesterday, I was talking to Elisabeth about the future. I said that I have no idea what I'll do. One day I think one thing, the next, another. I said I plan to stay here until April or May and go back to the States and take classes for a Master's in the fall. But, I added, ask me tomorrow and things may have changed. Today, after getting frustrated again at work, I want to run away again. I think that I'm wasting my life here. I'm struggling financially, socially, professionally. If I were offered my job back at Bloomfield Hills, I'd take it. I know I have to stick it out. I am learning Spanish. Slowly.
11:30 pm
This is my life. I'm sleeping on an "army cot." All my possessions in an apartment the size of a dorm room. The shower is so small that my back rubs against the shower curtain because of the placement of the hot water tank on the wall. I have to turn it on 20 minutes before I take a shower so it'll be warm enough. And, of course, water goes everywhere. I have to mop up after every shower! And the sink leaks. I have to tell the manager. How do you say that in Spanish? The stove was acting up this morning. Gas kinda exploded when I lit the burner. Endearing qualities of this place. I sleep with a can of Raid by my bed. They've never heard of screens here.
Elisabeth brought me some marijuana leaves from María. How fun! Yes, I feel okay now, but it's only after a couple of glasses of red, red wine. Makes me forget. I managed to write a few more postcards and letters. Over 30 so far! I do have a lot of friends. And I am thankful for that. And yet, I feel very lonely. Strange life. But I live strange. It's so hot tonight. I took a cool shower, but I don't know if I'll be able to sleep. I've been sleeping with wet towels - literally. I want to work early tomorrow to beat the heat. It was hell from 4:30 - 8:00 pm today. ¡Que calor! What an experience life is! Choose wisely. Don't be afraid to change your mind, though. Every day, every person, is an adventure. ¡Solamente hazlo!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
