9:00 pm

I've been "cautiously up" lately. It's a shame that I have to qualify everything. Of course I'm still in a state of flux. I've actually been feeling a little better at work, but I don't know what next week will bring. Not much work to do. Will they still pay me? 'Course not. Maybe they'll pay me on the 31st, though. I think I do need to stick with it. I was thinking of looking into teaching English. I do miss teaching. But I don't know how easy it would be. Pinky seems to think it would be difficult without working papers. But what does he know? "Things have always worked out in the past." De's been pretty down about things. She's contemplating leaving. Actually, my conversation with her last week was my first in English for a while. I went out with Danny, Kiko and Rafa Friday night. We just went to the bar around the corner, but it was okay. I would've liked to have gone to Torremolinos. We did look through some Spanish gay magazines and talk gay subjects and jokes. I do need that from time to time. Rafa came up to my apartment after a while. I know I felt a bit of sexual tension in the air. But we just talked. I suppose if I were a little more borracho, I would've made a move. Even though I don't like his teeth. He's a nice guy. And something probably will happen between us in the future. I've got a feeling. Then I think, hmmm... is Bob fooling around? Shit. That unpredictable future. Two other girls I know here told me today that they're leaving. Hmmm. But I'm successful here, right? How do I define success? Friends more than money of course. Weather more than money. But friends more than weather? What kind of wacky definition is that?! Success is an inner contentment. That I haven't found. "Still haven't found what I'm looking for." Maybe it's further down the costa. We did another wedding yesterday. It had absolutely no coordination. Another frustrating Monday tomorrow when we discuss the results and the problems. Annelies is back. I'm glad. We took a bike ride to the market yesterday. But we're always speaking Spanish. I need to switch to English to really tell her what's going on in my life. I'd like to see Yop. We should get stoned together. Just the two of us. I wonder if Rafa gets high. My thoughts are all over the place tonight. It's because I haven't written in a while. And I'm mildly stoned. María's pot's the sleepy kind. I hate that. I've been watching the Olympics. Of course, I now feel I'm being anti-social. All these expectations that I think I need to live up to. Stuuupid! ¡Disfrútate! I do feel that I can live my life pretty freely here. Then why didn't I tell Pinky that I prefer to "ogle" hombres? He was commenting on the girls passing by. I'm listening to the cool Sat/Sun. night music program they have on Canal Sur Uno. David Sanborne right now. I feel I need to write to Bob tonight. I've been thinking about money. (Oh really? How novel.) Will I get $600/month or $800? Say $250 on rent, then $350 left ($11/day!) or $550 ($18/day.) But then, I need to save some, too. Air fare, other major purchases. I don't want to touch that $5000 in the bank. God, I've already spent $13,000 of my inheritance! And I just want to travel more! Man, I don't even have $5000 in the bank. More like $4000. Ouch! Okay, no going out all this week. (Unless....) I am determined to start pinching pesetas.