11:50 pm

Oh, there's so much to write about. From the heavy play of Motown music -- and English-language music in general -- on Portuguese radio to the "night life" of Évora. We saw the most beautiful "Palacio" in Sintra. Palacio de las Penas. It was still decorated in the manner of 100 years ago when the Portuguese royalty resided there. Absolutely stunning. Probably the best castle/church tour I've ever been on. And Nazaré this morning was stunning. The old town on the cliff overlooking the mighty Atlantic and the beaches below. Oh, I'd love to live there! But winters must be fierce! And this evening I read a bit about Michigan, even southern Oakland County, and their importance in the presidential race in the International Herald Tribune.

So back to the music. Tracy Chapman, Peter Gabriel, Sinead O'Connor, and not their current singles, but other stuff off either new or old albums. What a nice diversity. Portugal is different from Spain in that respect. Old Ike and Tina Turner, Four Tops, Ray Charles, Smokey Robinson, James Brown. Really! And through it all, some magnificent scenes. Old women carrying baskets on their heads -- dressed in black or perhaps several layers of petticoats. Thick shawls to protect them from the biting Atlantic wind. People "walking their cows" down the main road. Magical stuff. So different from where I'll be one week from now. We finally had some decent weather today. From the Palacio in Sintra you can see Lisboa and the Atlantic. Tomorrow, we explore Évora and make the journey homeward. I must admit that I'm ready, although I thoroughly enjoyed today. Through it all, I keep daydreaming of being back in Detroit (with it's 39° high -- yuk!) Let's just plug along, day by day, and see what develops!

11:00 pm

We're in Nazaré, Portugal. It's a very touristy village on the Atlantic. But, of course, at this time of year it's a pretty sleepy town. We're staying in a home. I feel so funny doing that. We bargained the lady down from 5000 to 3000 escudos. Unintentionally. But anyway, I hope the weather is better tomorrow so we can enjoy it. It must be beautiful. I love the waves crashing in. Makes me think I should run a bed and breakfast on the California coast. It rained all day today. I hated it. We walked around Porto in the morning, but I really didn't enjoy it. We took a tour of the Sandeman Port warehouse which was pretty fun. I think Porto would be beautiful in nice weather. I have to admit, though, I'm ready to go home. Home to Málaga. Even home to Detroit. For a while. Frank asks me every day, "What do you think today? Are you coming back to Málaga in January?" I tell him I honestly don't know. And I honestly don't know! We'll see what happens in the next two months.

8:00 pm

My emotions change with the weather. Hell, my future changes with the weather! When it's nice, I think, "How can I leave Málaga?" and when it's shitty, I think, "Why bother?" I'm in Porto with shitty weather. We drove here from Lisbon hoping it would be better, but it's not. It's also a very frustrating city to drive in. There are very few traffic lights. Just kind of a free for all with cars and pedestrians. And, of course, the streets aren't identified. Not that we could make out the names on the map we got from the tourist office. All in all, not worth the trip north. We're thinking of possibly returning Saturday, due to low funds. That would be fine by me.

I really haven't been leaning in any direction regarding the future. I have been fantasizing about winning the lottery and/or falling in love. Actually, I'm seriously considering pursuing a teaching certificate so I can teach in an overseas school. It'd be better money than just teaching English. And I have to think of things like insurance. So maybe I'll stay in Detroit to take classes. God, who knows? I've also been fretting about living and transportation arrangements. Buy a car? Pretty stupid if I'm staying only 2 months. Same with renting an apartment. But I don't want to be dependent on people either. In some ways life is harder in Málaga, in other ways it's so much easier. The freedom would be awfully hard to give up. The rigidity of the U.S. I don't know if I'm ready to go back to that. But the bourgeois, rather than bohemian, lifestyle has it's appeal. I just want it all. Is that too much to ask for?


9:15 pm

So I've come down to my last week in Spain. Spain! I still can't believe I've been in Spain for the past 9 months! And I can't believe all the wonderful friendships I've developed here. From the very start with Dave and Gitta, through Andre, Steffi, Jeannet, Gitta, Barbara, Frank, Annelies, Alton, Joel, Elisabeth. There are so many people who've touched my life. Wonderful friends. It's truly been a dream come true! But it's not a dream! It's reality. I can make what I want of my life. I just have to decide what it is that I want! Sunshine and warmth. Good friends. Security of money. That's all!

6:30 pm

Frank and I are in Lisbon. His other friends didn't come after all. I really like Lisbon. The activity is a nice change from the tranquility of the past two nights -- in Faro and Sines. It's a very cosmopolitan city. I must say there are a lot of people on the streets asking for money. I just wrote a postcard to Bob. I wish we could've come here together. Frank is getting on my nerves. He's so hyper. And he never wants to make any decisions. And he's sick. And he always wants to rest or eat. Oh well, enough bitching. Oh yeah, I'm spending too much money, too! I normally eat very little while traveling. I don't feel as energized as I usually do when I travel. Something's missing. Ah yes. Freedom.

7:35 pm

Thought! "I Know.. A Man is Wrong" by David Byrne for a video for Matt and Eli. Ya see, I was going to get stoned and try to write a toast for Matt and Eli's wedding. I thought it'd be good for regression through our friendship, choosing just the right words for those special moments we've all had together. The 1216 Michigan Avenue stories. I have to include when we met -- over a 6E Holden Quiz Bowl competition. Shit. I was just thinking how great it would be to get my journal from then and read it. But I don't have "The College Years" here in Spain with me. I'll look through it from June 1985 on. That's what I have here. I'll have to wait until I get back to Detroit to write about the very beginning. (To finish a previous thought: "Ya see, I was going to get stoned and write a toast for Matt and Eli's wedding," and instead I decided to listen to some music. But the music I put on -- David Byrne's "Rei Momo" -- made me think of Matt and Eli. Which kinda brings this full circle.)

I must also add that I'm cooking so I'm constantly being interrupted by running to the kitchen. This may answer my question as to whether or not I could stay on one thought long enough when high to write a book or screenplay. I seem to think It'd come out better, but I think tonight is proving that it's impossible. I can't even write a toast for Matt and Eli's wedding! Too many other thoughts get in the way. I'm analyzing being stoned again, aren't I? I suppose so. It is pretty interesting. But how to interpret it? Very difficult.

I can't believe how stoned I am. I don't even know what's going on. I just know it's fun. I was just in the kitchen fixing to eat the pasta and tomato sauce with meat balls -- which I just ate a few hours ago. I thought, "Why am I eating this? I should be writing Matt and Eli's toast." Absolutely no focus. Maybe I overdid it.

Now I had to get up and change the music when it stopped. So many stimuli!

Oh, here's another thought. Forgot to mention that there was a thief in Annelies' bathroom tonight! I'll have to expand on that later! Meanwhile, I'm eating and changing the music. And the damn tape player has that annoying buzz! Life in Spain. It's funny here!

8:09 pm

Now I'm thinking whether or not I should go out tonight. Not! Right now I think I won't. I'd have to shave, take a shower, put in contacts. But it's so early yet. And I would like to talk to Joel. I should have called him today. I'm sure I'll change my mind a few times in the next several hours. Just like deciding my future. Back and forth, back and forth. Today, I was thinking, "Yes, I would like to come back to Málaga. Or at least Spain." But who the hell knows? There will be hundreds of influencing factors over the next few months. Where will I end up? Anyway, now I'm going back to Matt and Eli's toast. I'm going to read through my journal looking for tidbits. Oh, maybe I should mention this very thing! Looking back through the years through my written thoughts.

So I haven't read through the journal yet, but I have been writing some ideas on a toast. But I'm also getting very emotional. I probably couldn't say it at the reception without losing it.

8:30 pm

Shit. Now I was just washing dishes, going to the bathroom and dancing to Zouk music. When am I going to get back to Matt and Elizabeth's toast?

8:45 pm

I wish I had written more about Kim and Todd's wedding in my journal. I wrote nothing! All those great experiences with the truck driving off with the beer keg in the back, still dispensing. Playing cards on an incredible stormy night in a big old bed and breakfast. Matt, Elizabeth and I sleeping together -- a la Three Stooges. We also drove back home together. We talked a lot about not being in relationships. And how that was okay.

9:00

Man! I've been reading and writing about Matt and Eli. Now I've just arrived at... MEXICO! God, we've had some great times together! I hope I can express this in voice, print and video!

9:07

So now I've changed music again. "It's My Life" by Talk Talk made me want to include the opening line into the wedding video. Isn't this where we came in -- at 7:35? I've just been thinking how fun it will be to put together Matt and Eli's video. I just wish I had more time. And I'll be busy at work, so I won't be able to stick around late and edit. I'm listening to "Fun Tape #1" -- circa 1985. Very fitting for tonight's topic. Now I have to listen to every song I know and pick out lines to insert into Matt and Eli's video. It's part of the "script" I'm writing tonight. Between writing this -- and all the other shit I find myself doing -- I'm writing down ideas for a toast and video in another part of this journal. (I'm still really stoned!) I probably shouldn't be drinking, either. I have to be in a car all day tomorrow! Shit! I'm going to Portugal with 3 Frenchies tomorrow! I won't speak English -- NO ENGLISH -- for an entire week! Just Spanish and bits of Portuguese. Perhaps the only French I know, too. Bits and pieces. But NO English! Man, I hope it's okay. I'm pretty hesitant, but my attitude these days says, "Get back in there, boy!" So, I go for it! I do things so different from my life back in Detroit. Wow! I'm excited again! Wake up every morning and say, "Hey, I'm in Spain!" All experiences are positive, because even negative experiences result in great stories to tell! Mike and the Frogs do Portugal! Hoo boy!

9:30 pm

MAN! I'm stoned! I hope I can put this Matt and Eli stuff together. It was a lovely day today -- sunny and 82°. Sunbathed mostly. About 6:00 pm I was on my terrace and I heard Annelies shout, "Mike, come! There's a robber! A robber in the bathroom!!" I couldn't really grasp it all, but I grabbed my keys and ran down the stairs and around the corner -- in barefeet -- to Annelies' house. She was stammering that there was a man in the bathroom -- she didn't want to open the door. She couldn't defend herself, because she's been recovering from a motor scooter accident and can't use her left foot. So I go in -- to the bathroom door and throw it open while jumping back to a safer distance. The bathroom was empty -- the curtains blowing in the open window. I rushed to look out the window, but saw no one down the narrow, winding steps outside her window. He had retreated at the onset of her screams and was probably long gone by now. What had really confused me at first is that I thought she said "rubber." A rubber in the bathroom. Weird life here.

9:46

Here's something interesting in the struggle between staying in Detroit and going elsewhere once again.... Look at my journal in the first 14 years. And then look at the past 9 months. How many times I was down in those past years. But... How many times was I down in the past months? I really am happy almost all the time here. Life really is a lot more carefree! Frolicking! I'm a frolicking otter! I was just doing one of those Irish jig performance pieces that I sometimes do while stoned. This one was to "Free Nelson Mandela."

10:07

How long was it since I was going to read about Mexico? That was an hour ago and I haven't gotten around to it yet. Now I'm having pound cake and tea. Mmmm. Remember the ice cream and pound cake I had in the summer? Yummy. So I'm sitting here thinking about how much fun Matt and Elizabeth's wedding is going to be! I'm so looking forward to it all! Really into it!

10:39

Now I'm back to drinking beer and "The Specials" are on. I've been skimming through the journal. Yes, Mexico, but also the Road Poets. So many great times together. I like the way I'm thinking of putting together this videotape.

11:07

I want to start the video with Matt as Nathan Detroit in "Guys and Dolls." I hope Rosie has the videotape! I've been writing other thoughts and remembrances. I have to remember Karen's story of her family over during the holidays. It's such a great "video story." They were watching a videotape of themselves a year before at Christmas watching themselves many years before at Christmas. Her sister, I think, was watching herself on the original video (within last year's video) and said, "Oh, look at my hair!" and then in the video -- watching the original video -- she said, "Oh, look at my hair!" in the exact same tone. The funniest thing is they had been videotaping that night, but the camera wasn't on right then again.

11:38

I got a letter from John Zerfas! Yay! He told me about his great house-warming party. I wish I could've been there! And now he's going to Las Vegas. Without me! We had so much fun last year in Vegas! I'm already thinking about bed. And it's not even time to go out yet! I guess I'm definitely staying in! I'm going to Portugal in 12 hours. I suppose I should think about that. Get ready and stuff. I'm listening to "Road to Nowhere" and thinking of Karen and Rick's wedding video. That was great! Damn, I wish I could watch it right now. "Verdi Cries" by 10,000 Maniacs is on now. This song always makes me weep. Hauntingly mournful.

12:00

I could never be happy in Detroit. Maybe if I lived on the lakeshore. Possible.

Another "oh yeah." De told me today that Don Francisco, the landlord, offered her a few months free rent if she'd allow him to "come over" from time to time. I'm assuming she meant to have sex with him. She didn't seem terribly shocked. Actually, she said maybe she would have to consider it if he offered $2000 or something.

12:31

Shit. I'm really freaking out about this next week traveling without speaking any English. It should be good for me! Other tidbits from the day as I'm getting ready for bed... I turned all my underwear and white t-shirts lavender by washing a purple shirt with them in Annelies' washing machine. How stupid! Like when David ended up with yellow underwear from Annelies' green shirt washed with them. Also found out that Elisabeth missed her flight Wednesday -- again! It left in the morning. She hadn't called to confirm! Luckily, she got another charter soon after. "La tonta del aeropuerto." De and I had some discussions on Sinead O'Connor ripping up the pope's picture and De's life on the farm in Ireland. She talked about how her brother wants to inherit the family farm, which De thinks should be sold. Her father wants to sell, Mom wants to "keep it in the family." De said it kinda depends on who dies first! She's so blunt all the time!

1:06

I've virtually eliminated stress from my life here in Spain. Not completely, but nearly. Work was tense at times. And this impending trip. And the thought of going back to Detroit -- perhaps for good -- soon after I return from Portugal has me feeling panicky from time to time!

6:50 pm

I found the Mesquita in Córdoba absolutely breathtaking! I'd have to rank at the top of the list of Spanish sights. The mixture of Moorish and Christian temples makes it so unique. I had outstanding weather today, too. I was able to walk around quite a bit. The city isn't quite as nice as Sevilla, but it's pretty nice. Now I'm waiting at the train station -- with a headache. Maybe I'll need to just stay in tomorrow to gear up for Portugal.... Nah! I should call Joel and see if he wants to buy my bike. Or play tennis. Or go to bed with me. Oops! Slipped! So I'm leaving in two weeks -- but I'll be traveling for half that time. Shit. I'm really starting to feel melancholy. Elisabeth's departure got me thinking a lot about my immanent departure. There will be so much to look forward to -- although I noticed there was snow in Battle Creek on the news. I'm not ready for that!

11:15 am

I had a nice time in Granada -- at least in the morning when the weather was nice. I went to the Alhambra and went through it with an American man I met there. He was a bit annoying, taking pictures and videos all the time, but it was nice to have someone to talk to. Then it rained and rained and I couldn't do a lot of walking around the town. I plan to go to Córdoba tomorrow and then Frank and I go to Portugal on Saturday for a week. Annelies hurt her leg and won't be able to join us. I'll miss her! I don't know if I'll enjoy Frank for a week. I do need to take advantage of the travel opportunity, however. Elisabeth leaves today. The "family" is breaking up.

6:30 pm

Analyze this sentence sometime: I'd miss a lot of things, if I didn't return. Correct usage? Or "don't" instead of "didn't"? What if it were (subjunctive, no?), "I'll" instead of "I'd"? I have the Spanish subjunctive mastered, it's the darned English that gets me.

Got interrupted. Elisabeth visited me and we smoked a little. I had been writing a letter to Gitta before. Oh, here's another tidbit for the chapter on "Frustrations: No phone/No car." Elisabeth and I want to go visit Frank tonight and celebrate her penultimate night. So we have to walk 20 minutes in the rain and hope he's home. No phone, no car.

Anyway, Elisabeth and I had a nice talk. She said she's thinking of going to Turkey to live in a friend's house next summer -- and invited me to come. You know I'll consider it! Free lodging near a beach. What more could I want? It's so fun to entertain previously unthinkable thoughts! That's what freedom does to you. I'm also thinking maybe they'd employ me long-term at BHSD again. Choices! Possibilities!

I'm really enjoying "Strange Angels" for the umpteenth time. It's so great for the soul. Especially with headphones! I love singling out one instrument at a time and just try to listen to it for a while. Ignore everything else. What a lot of work it must be to produce a song!

4:00 pm

Estoy fatal. Went out to the gay bars in Torremolinos with Elisabeth, Danny and Kiko last night. I really enjoyed dancing. I do wish Fran would have come! But I had a good time for the most part until we went to another bar at 6:00 am after dancing. I was tired and bored there. We got home at 7:30 am. Then at 1:00 pm, Danny and I played tennis. Oof. Rafa just came up for a visit. He invited me to come down to Danny and Kiko's, but I really just feel like being alone today. I want to write to Gitta, Keith and Antonio. Tomorrow, I'm going to Córdoba or Granada.

I ended up going out Friday night -- at 1:30 am. Danced at Donde with Elisabeth and a strange German girl until 4:00 am. Pretty fun, Today, my legs are absolutely dead. It's an overcast day, so I'm not very motivated to go out. Yesterday was gorgeous. I took a walk to the port. It really is so nice. So much going on. Mucha marcha. I need to talk to Joel. Maybe he'll want to buy my bicycle. Maybe we could go somewhere together this week.


9:00 pm

And yet, more interesting news. Barb from BHSD called me tonight already asking for help! I'll do a session about Spain for "A Taste of Teaching" and she told me about a Model High School project that may involve extra time -- and extra money, of course. Hee, hee, hee. It's so nice to feel needed. But it seems there are a lot of power struggles going on and I need to be the voice of reason once again. Pretty interesting stuff. So maybe I'll stay on in a "producer" role for a while longer. Ugh. That means winter in Detroit, doesn't it? Much too early to think about that! But the fact that it's rainy and cold again makes me realize this might not be so much better.

1:45 am

So I just had a nice time getting drunk with Annelies. I really just went down at 10:30 pm to apologize for missing yoga class. She's really a special person. She's so funny! What a great storyteller! We were talking about responsibilities when you have children. How different it would be to be drunk or stoned. Then she'd say, "We don't have children," and would pour some more wine. And she talked about Spanish men. "Fucking bastards" as she says. We talked about cute Fran. And, yes, he is gay. Now I'll have to go to the gay bar Saturday. I will miss Annelies.

6:00 pm

So things change again. My old boss at BHSD called me today and said my old job is available immediately. I told her there is no way I could come back before Nov. 1, but I'm not even sure I want to do that. We'll see how much it would cost. It would be nice to be home for the election, though. I've enjoyed doing nothing today. It rained all morning, so I watched TV from my bed until 11:00 am. Then I visited with Annelies and Corinne a couple of hours and slept again a couple of hours. What to do tonight? Don't know yet.

11:20 pm

I haven't yet decided if I'll go out tonight. I "should" try to find Joel and Jeannet. If I knew people I know would be there, it'd be easier. But I don't feel like getting cleaned up and going out in the cold if nobody's there. And I've been content watching TV and reading my Spanish Tao book. Reading about fasting -- cleansing the colon. Not a bad idea for me with my cancer risk. I suppose I should take better care of my body. I still don't do my daily exercises like I should.

4:45 pm

Herbert told me today that he's giving up hashish cold turkey. He says he's smoked a lot for the last 30 years and it's time to quit. He talked about it's regressive effects, how you think about the past. That is true, isn't it? Last night's "punks" episode is proof. He also talked about his childhood. How he was shuffled off to a "boarding school" from the time he was 1 1/2 years old! He is a pretty interesting guy. I suppose it's good that my marijuana and hashish supply is being cut off. A little is nice. A lot is too dangerous.

7:45 pm

So I really don't know. Herbert was telling me again about how things are looking up. He really wants me to come back -- even if Tecny Video Profesional no longer exists. He said he might be somewhere else, but could still use me. The future of TVP itself looks bleak. As long as I get paid tomorrow. But I really would think of coming back here if I could be sure of earning at least $1000/month. Then it would be worth it. And if Jenny still comes... Well, we'll see. Once again.

Tomorrow's my last day! Yay! I can't wait to be free! It would probably be good to get away from Carlos, too, before I go out of my mind. I've developed quite an attraction for him. And tonight, we smoked some hash together. Ooh, look out! Dangerous! But he has a girlfriend. I just can't keep my eyes off him. What a body!

Remember punks? No, not the skinhead kind, the mosquito repellent sticks. (The poor man's sparklers.) But they were really playthings for pre-adolescents. I remember burning holes in paper with them -- spelling out your name in charred paper cut-out. I'm burning an incense stick right now and I was just burning a hole in some paper. Memories of childhood. Funny what sparks a memory. Sometimes sound -- a favorite song; sometimes sight -- children playing at the beach; at other times it's a smell -- burning leaves; or a taste -- homemade chocolate chip cookies!

I'm watching Madonna's "Erotica" video. This must be causing havoc in the States. It's so much more explicit than that other one 2 years ago. I remember watching it in Kevin and Ron's room at Saugatuck. Why can't I remember the name? Not "Like a Prayer." Oh well. "Erotica" is pretty incredible. Rather explicit lesbian porn. Nothing wrong with pushing the envelope. I mean, American mores towards sexuality are so behind Europe. I suppose "Sexy Mother Fucker" by Prince isn't getting airplay, either. Banning books.

It's time to sit and think. About the future. Where I'm going. Where I'm at now. How exciting!!

11:50 pm

So what does it mean to turn 30? Who cares? People have a tendency to analyze their lives at this juncture. All I know is that I'm very content. You know, I seem to be much happier with myself when I'm not thinking about men. Kiko tells me I need a boyfriend. Annelies tries to fix me up with Javier. De talks about not wanting to be alone when she's 40. I could drive myself crazy. I see the men patrolling the park near city hall looking for some action. What's it all about, Alfie? Of course, I think about being with someone. Of course, I feel sometimes that "life is passing me by" because I don't have someone to share it with. But when I meet men I'm interested in, I always drive myself crazy. I'm thinking of going to a gay bar in Torremolinos with the neighbors on Saturday. I'd like to go to dance to good music and be with friends. And, yes, I'd like to meet someone. But what if I do? Then what? Problems creep up. Seguro.

So I only have 2 more days of work! Then I'm free! Let's see if they pay me!

10:30 pm

Yowzie! I'm watching the closing of Expo '92 live from Sevilla. I was wishing I had recorded it somehow -- to show people what Expo was like. And I'm thinking of how I could describe everything. Of course, I can't. There's no way to relate all the sights and sounds, the sensations of everything. The water/laser show just finished for the 180-something-th time. How do you describe it? I can't even try. Shit. I want to try, but can't start. Sensory overload. Makes me think of telling people about my experience in Spain. So much to say. No possible way to tell it all. Perhaps my time here has paralleled Expo '92. How fitting that I'm leaving shortly after its closing. The King is speaking now. Giving the closing address. What a busy year for him. All the speeches, all the visiting dignitaries because of Expo and the Olympics. What a year for Spain! And to think I was here to take it all in. Curro. Cobi. Now history. And today, the 500th anniversary of Columbus' landing. All behind us now. What an incredible year it's been for Spain. For me! And tomorrow -- an hour from now -- my 30th birthday. What lies ahead? (I just heard there wasn't a single robbery reported at Expo. Can that be true?) I can't believe it's over. Expo. My time here in Málaga. My twenties. All behind me now. What to look forward to now? Cartuja '93? Costa Rica? Thirty-something? Wow. I'm sitting here thinking I can do anything with my life. So many options! So many possibilities! It's really incredible, isn't it? To not have ni puta idea where I'll be in three months. Incredible! (I'm watching a movie in which Rutger Hauer is pursuing some A-rabs, in full A-rab dress, in a factory. Strange thing is: it resembles a dream I once had.) Elisabeth and I saw a great Spanish film called, "Jamón, Jamón" tonight. Typically Spanish. In the style of Pedro Almódovar. Bizarre. I was so pleased to find I understood probably 90% of it. And by speaking Spanish all weekend with Frank and Annelies, I feel I'm really close to fluency. But I have to continue it. That's why I'm thinking of Costa Rica. Or Barcelona. Those are two leading contenders right now. What the hell? Why not do it? I've really realized that you have to "go for it" in life. I'm so glad I'm high. I love to write -- really just think -- when I'm high. And to observe and reflect on the world. On so many topics. I'm just fascinated. But I wonder if anyone else will clue in? Could they ever understand all that I'm trying to record? Doubtful, no?

I wish I could record the video things I see on television. They're showing a Málaga documentary on the community TV station. It would be a great thing to show my family and friends. "My town." Of course, they wouldn't understand the narration! I love TV! Oh shit. Joder. Here I go again loving everything. Like I wrote about last time I was stoned.

You know, when I think a lot about Spain, or when I do things like going up to the mountains this weekend, I think I need to come back to Spain. There's so much more to discover! But still... Not to Málaga. I still need to push ahead. I can't be stagnant. That's why Barcelona probably has the edge right now. Although Detroit may be a wild card that turns up unexpectedly. What if I stumble upon a great job? Stability still has a strong pull on me. It's funny how I didn't mention a possible relationship keeping me in Detroit. I really don't dwell on those things anymore. It's for the best. Digo yo. Annelies, Frank and I kept saying that all weekend. A little jab at Spanish lexicography. What? Gotta think about that one. Giant leap, huh? After seeing Jamón, Jamón, and reading into it that relationships can really mess up your life, I'm pretty content on going it alone for now. Yes, for now. It's not like I'm "giving up on love." It's just that there's so much more out there. And sometimes relationships get in the way. Well. They at least direct you in different ways. Different caminos. Life. Ain't it grand? I'm so happy all the time these days. Sure, there's the boredom and frustration of work, but there is so much excitement in my life now. I can't give that up, can I? I mean, I don't doubt and second-guess myself like I used to. I'm enjoying new experiences. I'm in control here, as Alexander Haig once said. What a feeling.

Look out! Now I'm listening to Apollo 18 by They Might Be Giants. I'll always remember this summer in Málaga when I hear it. And Strange Angels by Laurie Anderson. My two favorite CDs to get stoned to.

We walked and drove through a lot of cork tree forests today. Pretty neat. I love being in nature. And the mountains. They are incredible, aren't they? And the sea. So powerful. What a terrific combination of so many geographies Andalucía has. A bit wordy, but from the heart. Man. Exactly one year ago I was in the Vegas airport getting my blue Miata convertible. So this is it! I'm actually 30 years old! I'm so excited! To be where I am in life on my 30th birthday. What a surprise! What a fantasy! To be living in Spain as I turn 30. Whoda thunk it?

11:00 am

So! That was a nice Wednesday evening of thinking and writing I had there! I needed it. Today I'm going to Ronda and the lake and forest area around there with Annelies and Frank. We'll stay overnight. Should be fun -- traveling. We're also talking about going to Morocco at the end of October for a week. Great! We'll go to Marrakech and the south -- by car. Much better than the train. Last night I went to the Feria de Fuengirola with Beth and family. It was a nice change of pace. Went on the roller coaster with the kids. I was going to go out to Bolivia afterwards, but Annelies was coming back, sobbing, as I was leaving. So I stayed and talked to her instead. She's feeling an "autumnal depression," but I think relationship problems have something to do with it. I suppose it's good to just cry sometimes. I'm sure I'll cry when it hits that I'm leaving. I've decided to leave work the 15th so I can travel. And "think." So, with Monday a holiday, that's really only 3 more days of work! De moved in next door. We had a nice chat over breakfast. Too bad she wasn't there before. It's a nice day today, after the past few days being very cold and rainy. I've been daydreaming of buying a car, packing up my things and heading across the USA in January. Current plan, anyway.


11:30 pm

Where am I? In Ubrique with Frank and Annelies. We're having a good time -- although it took us 2 hours and 3 towns to find lodging. We went out tonight. Not much action here. And no restaurants! Plus, it's the eve of hunting season, so the locals are hyped. I do like the idea of bringing kids -- whole families -- to the bar. They really give special attention to the kids here. We're in a cute little pensión -- only $10 a night. God, I'd love to run a bed and breakfast. I really need to look into that! I feel pretty comfortable speaking Spanish with Annelies and Frank, too. Maybe I should return here in January! ¿Quién sabe? Matt and Eli should come here on their honeymoon. Lots of leather for sale, too.

9:30 pm

Remember the song, "Birth, School, Work, Death" by, was it "The Godfathers"? Well, I'm listening to it right now. You guessed it! I'm really stoned. Shoot. It's "The Dirtfarmers." I swear, there was a band called "The Godfathers"! Wow! Just think how far Vanessa Williams has come since being crowned Miss America. What if she hadn't won -- was First Runner-Up? Then nobody would've cared about her Penthouse pictures -- or her singing career. Now she's really famous. Much more than Mary Ann Mobily or Lee Merriwether ever were! Ahh. But more famous than Phyllis George? I dunno. Phly was pretty famous in the early '80s. Married to the governor of Kentucky and working on NFL Today. Why am I on this stupid stream of consciousness? The radio! I was just doing a 5 minute interpretive dance to some Celtic music. Thank God my blinds were closed! What will the guys downstairs think? Pound, pound, pound. "Oh there's ol' lightfoot again. Dancin' stoned to Celtic music." Variety. Changes. New experiences. What life's about. Each minute new. A treasure to be used. LIFE! I love life! Indigo Girls. I like 'em. Great harmony. I love music. So interpretive! I think it would be a real drag not to be able to speak English. Think this way. (Psst. Yeah, over here.) Spanish teens are listening to all this R.E.M., Michael Jackson -- whoever. They're all singing English! You wouldn't have a clue what they were singing about. Talk about frustration! Morrisey, Peter Gabriel, Oleta Adams. There are other singers I've been hearing. You just can't dub songs like you can films! I'm glad I'm stoned. It'd been a while. And so much has been happening. David left this morning. Just as Beth was arriving. How fun! I love guests. I always want to live somewhere where my friends -- from all over the world -- will come visit. I mean, you wouldn't stop in on Detroit if you're a Dane or German on his first U.S. visit. But maybe L.A., San Francisco or Miami. Or even Chicago. I love friends! So much I'm loving tonight. It's like this hash is Ecstasy or something. There's a song they play here -- a house song -- that sings, "EcstaSI, EcstaNO!" Lots of techno music in the dance bars here. Rave -- is that what it's called in England? Something like that. Oh I feel so old. Out of it. Old fart! Zowie. I'll be 30 years old in less than a week! I suppose I should write a "recap" of my twenties -- like I review the year each new year. Yeah right! Why bother? It's all here already in my journal. Ten years ago. I remember talking with Jean Ellison how hard it was for me that I was losing my teenage years. That was an emotional birthday for me! Read about it sometime.

I want to impersonate people. Well, what I mean to say is that I want to do so many things. Like dance in a Rave Bar in Manchester -- with proper haircut and clothing, of course. Just once. To be part of that group. Or whatever group. But to know everything about it. I mean, I could go to a Rave Bar in Manchester. But the absorption of the culture takes so long. How comfortable would I be dancing at this bar in Manchester, with Doc Martins and a shaved head, if I didn't know something about this? Or going into some jazz club in New Orleans -- the old-fashioned smoky type in the movies.

"Unos negritos de Filadelfia." I just heard that on the radio. Talking about some "little black boys." Who are they anyway? "Til the End of the Road" is the song. I'm so out of American pop culture. Oooh. And I miss it! That's scary! I'm still a pretty well-conditioned American. Still miss The Flintstones, Little Caesars, the Free Press, Taco Bell, concerts, CNN, movies in English (videotapes, too), the presidential campaign. I do miss a lot. But then... When I really stop to think about it. "Yes, I miss a lot, but have I missed a lot?" Not really.

Radio Tres Pop is a great radio station. Not quite 89X. But more like Dave Dixon's show on WDET. You never know what to expect. Some great underground music, specials dedicated to the music of Bob Dylan, the Police, or Wilson Philips. Pretty wide variety! Throw in flamenco and Spanish pop music. Great stuff!

Wowsie wow! I was just thinking of cross-referencing my life! If I put this journal on a data base, I could select a topic -- say music -- and I could access journal entries with references to music! Well, I like the idea!

Double whammy! I was just thinking, "I Was a Teenage Censor." I remember my freshman year in college. After taping The Boomtown Rats' "Fine Art of Surfacing" I tried to erase the word "Shit" in the song ... Oh, what was it? About Rhodesia, no? "I was thinkin' they were lucky to be rid of that shit" was the line. Anyway, I kinda missed and it sounded really obvious that I tried to cut it out. Why did I do that? Kwananea!! The Christian Youth group! What did they do to me? Whew! That was close! What if I had really gone over the edge with that religious stuff? Double whew!! I remember going to a Maranatha meeting at MSU my freshman year. Yuck. I was so uncomfortable there. They were all so nice!! Too sugary! Left a bad taste in my mouth.

I was just wondering. How many Top 40 songs deal with love and/or sex? Good percentage, I'd say. Add in songs with a political message, and that's just about 100%, no? Okay, there are other types of songs, but not too many. Oh yeah. I forgot. There's really a lot to write about today. David left, Beth and family arrived. Jenny called. She said she's really happy with her work now. I guess it's a good thing that I decided already to go back -- and take everything. I'm glad I made the decision. You know, I was so determined not to consult people regarding my future. I wanted to do it by myself. Then I did make a decision to go back for good, when a phone call from Jenny turned me around 180°. But I'm back on course -- with the best idea. I'll take my stuff in case I want to stay in the U.S., but leave the door open to come back. Keep those options open! In my heart, I think I won't come back. And it saddens me, of course. I'll be gone from Málaga in a month. Another huge shift in my life. "What next, big sky?" I really don't know where I'll be 3 months from now: Detroit, Málaga, cualquier sitio.

Radio Tres Pop just played a cover of the Human League's "Don't You Want Me, Baby?" by the Farm or something. Now it's "The Blues Will Never Die" by Muddy Waters or someone like that. Pretty wild. "Dig that crazy rain." Woof! Big mood swing. Now I'm thinking of how repressed my emotions are.

11:50

Joel stopped by. I have a pretty wild assortment of friends, don't I? I love my friends. I was pretty startled to be disturbed while I was so stoned. But I guess I've come down quite a bit. Joel and I had a nice "chat." I wonder if he's interested in me. Oh well. I'll be gone in a month.

3:20 pm

Man! I'm starting to swing again. So I've been thinking ... maybe I don't want to come back to Málaga. Frustrations at work, lack of good social outlets. I don't know. I just can't seem to get it together. There's something so appealing about being back there. There? Where? I always want to be where I'm not. How come? Today's downside comes from not feeling good at work. Language thing still. And a feeling of having a lack of creativity. Sometimes I just can't find it. Herbert was trying to "talk it out of me." Telling me about the different minds and ways of thinking. Not that I could understand everything he was saying. I just want to be comfortable at work. And I'm not. But then, it's a job, isn't it? Yeah, but outside of work, things are lacking, too. I'm tired of Spanish. Speaking it, living it. Plus the money. It'll cost me $1300 to come back to Spain -- with the flight and rent. I could do a lot with that money. I could live 2 months on that. Or travel for a month. Or buy a car. Or a computer. Shit. Why do I do this to myself? I need to talk to Jenny or Matt. Shit. Mierda.


11:00 pm

So I'm really on a roll. I'm totally reverting. I'm thinking now of quitting 15 October -- next pay day. then I could still travel like I had wanted to. And I'd have about $750 to do it with. Not a bad deal. You know, I had been thinking of how I need to make decisions for myself. I had made the decision to go back to the States -- then Jenny called. She's the only reason I changed my mind. Why do I let others control me? Now I'm getting excited about "going home" again. About buying a Jeep and driving across country with my dog. Then just stopping "somewhere." Oh hell! Who knows? Here I go again...

3:00 pm

Bueno. Last night was fun. We invited Corrine and Elisabeth up for a beer. We smoked a little pot, too. Just hung out on the terrace a while. Then Annelies brought up some soup and we ate. Fernando came, too. Very nice. I guess I should invite people over more often, huh? Actually, it was David who invited Corrine up. He's staying through Thursday. And that's when Beth Chasco's coming. Busy, busy.

4:00 pm

I can't believe I haven't written in three days. Suppose I've been busy. I had a frustrating evening working last night. Carlos and I videotaped bits of wedding receptions for a promo. We didn't get several shots we were supposed to have. The lighting situation was bad. And I just couldn't make myself understood. Communication problems! It's still so damn frustrating. And I'd really like to be friends with Carlos. But the language barrier interferes. Herbert will be pissed when he sees the videotape. I want to tell him that I don't want to go out on those kind of shoots anymore. So I got to thinking that maybe I should move back for good. Shit. Here we go again. One bad night and I'm ready to "give up." I wish I wouldn't look on it as "giving up," but I guess I do. And I guess it is in some ways. David and I got stoned together Friday night. He really is pretty funny. We had a good time, although it was an early night due to this "sleepy pot." We went to dinner at La Paloma and watched some drunk teenagers singing Ramones songs on the beach. Went to the flea market with David and De today. It was a nice "different" thing to do. It's still so hot! 95° yesterday. The evenings had been getting quite cool, but not last night.

7:00 pm

Oh! I'm stoned at work again. Only mildly, I think. I think the tobacco more than anything has my head spinning. Herbert gave me some chocolate, then left to leave me manning the phone. What a stupid job. Nothing to do again today. I could've taken the whole week off! I told him that I'd be going back to Detroit to work for two months. As usual, he wasn't phased. He said, "fine." I talked to Matt today. He and Elizabeth are coming to Spain. Oh well. They can use my apartment. If I keep it. Is it worth the $500 I'll lose? I dunno. But where would I store my stuff if not? Joel? Frank? Work? Tough decision. Matt said Jenny's not coming in October. She wants to come in November now, but of course she shouldn't if I'm not here. I need to talk her into quitting and coming back with me in January. That would be best. Herbert still has confidence that things will work out well. I'm pretty sure, too. I must admit, though, one of my current fantasies has me finding a great job when I'm back in Detroit. Then I'd have to come back to Málaga to get my stuff. The future: so uncertain. I didn't come into work at all yesterday. We had to wait almost an hour for a new bus to come after ours had some problem with the door. Wouldn't close. Whatever. Things worked out fine. This Carlos at work is too cute. We're going to tape some promo stuff at La Fragatta banquet hall on Saturday. Next week, there'll be a lot of editing to do. Finally! I'm thinking again of buying a computer. I could rent it to TVP! I want to buy a car, too! I'm getting materialistic again!