3:10 am

Such great stories here... if they don't kill me first! So this was my last night in Spain. First I said good-bye to Javier at Annelies' house. He made it one of those horrible, dragged out, verge-of-tears good-byes. Annelies said he really liked me. Se nota. Then Frank, Fernando, De, Annelies and I went to Donde/Bolivia. Still never saw Joel again. Anyway, De and I went back to Donde to watch a great blues band perform. There was a black woman singer who was fantastic. I really enjoyed it. How special for my última noche. Then De came over and I gave her my radio and extra food rations. We exchanged addresses and bid good-bye. She walked down my steps and up hers to her door. I made sure she had the key in the door, then turned off the light and closed the door. But it wasn't over yet. I heard this rattling sound on the steps. Was she beating her carpet? No, she couldn't get her door open! So I climbed along the ledge to her place and tried the key. No luck. We thought we could try the small window from the terrace. So we went out to my terrace to climb over to hers.. I got a broomstick to reach better, but we couldn't get the door handle to turn. The neighbor on the other side came out with some pliers and advice. Her advice didn't work, but the pliers did. I was just able to reach the handle through the window with the pliers. What a great ending!


8:25 pm

Yes, there were tears in my eyes as I left Frank and Annelies at the airport. And also when I watched Málaga fall behind me from the airplane. I had avoided thinking about it much, but it caught up to me. Then I kept myself distracted by reading about the election. I'm in a Youth Hostel in Brussels, not feeling much like writing. I haven't gotten much sleep the past two nights, but I don't feel like sleeping, either. Too early. Too uncomfortable. I hope I sleep well because tomorrow will be a long day. I can't believe I've left Málaga -- possibly for good. I already miss Annelies. Once again, I'm scared and apprehensive about the future. Life is hard. Life is easy. Just depends on how you look at it. Always advantages and disadvantages to every choice. Right now missing Málaga is outweighing the excitement of being with my friends in Detroit. Different from June. Matt's getting married in a week. Don't know why that just popped in. You know, there were so many people I didn't say good-bye to. What a shame. So many people have touched my life in the past 9 months.

10:30 pm

I'm sitting here in the Youth Hostel bar having a Duval and reading my journal. And I'm wondering... Is this the same place I stayed at 8 years ago when I met that Australian from Perth and we went to an outdoor movie and got so drunk that we had to crawl upstairs to bed? Is it? Nah, I don't think so. But I did find the park I slept in the first night in Brussels. This bar is set up the same as the one 8 years ago, but the reception is different, I think. Oh, who knows? Who cares? By the way, Duval -- 8.5% alcohol -- $2.00.

1:15 am

Shit. I wish I could write! I want to convey the events of watching the Spanish coverage of the U.S. elections. It's pretty fun! But I can't write much, because I cut my hand in a stupid freak accident with the oven and had to get 5 stitches! Annelies and Fernando took me to the hospital at midnight. We weren't sure it needed stitches, but decided it would be better to go. What a stupid thing to happen right now. But they took care of me in 20 minutes and I didn't have to pay a thing! Socialized health care. What a great topic for this night. In fact I told the doctor that's one reason I liked Clinton. Nationalized health care. Anyway, it's looking good for Clinton -- yay!! But it's only 7:30 pm in the east. Things won't really be assured for several hours yet.

1:54
I had to add this about my medical experience. When I came in they asked me my name and age. After the doctor put in the stitches (puntos) he transferred my name to another sheet, asked what neighborhood I lived in and said good-bye. That was all the information they needed! A little different from the US health care system!

11:00 am

One of my final breakfasts on my terrace. Another beautiful day. It's election day! I'm "optimistically cautious." Or is that "cautiously optimistic"? Either way, it's looking pretty good. The Spanish TV stations have live coverage beginning at 1:00 am. An all-nighter watching the election returns! I'm so weird.


2:20 pm

So I saw María José. It's a shame we didn't keep in touch better. I'll miss her. Who knows? Maybe she'll end up in the U.S. some day. Then I went to the port and saw a couple of U.S. battleships docked there. There was a German sitting ship there, too, and the crew was hoisting the sails in formation and all. It was pretty cool. Nine months later, I'm still discovering new things.

5:50 pm

So now I feel I'm just waiting. For Godot? For the other shoe to drop? For someone to come rescue me? I've started packing. Oh, how I hate it! Nine months worth of my life into 2 bags. Impossible! And I hate saying good-bye. Said good-bye to Herbert and Antonio at TVP. I'll see María José tomorrow. Gitta tonight. Still haven't contacted Joel. Or Jeannet. I'm sitting on my terrace waiting... for the sunset. It should be beautiful tonight. Latest thoughts put me in Central America in 1993. We'll see. Still haven't sold my bike. Haven't asked anyone. Why do I procrastinate so? I'll be on a plane in 3 days. The world is so beautiful. I'm watching the birds fly by. The cloud formations. The mountains. Playing with Pantera, the black kitty.

2:30 pm

So here I am at this particular point in my life. Soaking up the beautiful sunshine on my terrace, listening to some great music on Radio Tres Pop. I feel a need to go on a big CD shopping spree upon my return! I don't feel so good today, so I'm treating myself to an entire day on the terrace. Maybe I'll take a bike ride later, and visit Gitta in Torreblanca this evening. Time to start saying my good-byes. Last night I went out just for a short time. Didn't see Joel or Jeannet as I had hoped. I was happy to get home yesterday. The highlight of Évora was the Chapel of Bones in the church of San Francisco. Made from 5000 bones and skulls of monks. And there was also a decaying monk corpse hanging on the wall. The sign over the entrance says it all: "We bones that are here await yours." Great stuff! Those crazy Catholics!

3:30 pm

Forgot to mention: I called "the gang" at Matt and Elizabeth's shower from Faro last Saturday. It was great to talk to them. They were so stoned! Karen could barely even talk. Elizabeth was gushing with "We love you"s. Matt gave me directions to Sylvester and Louie's in Lisboa -- and I did find Louie. I knew it was his grocery store when I saw 4 or 5 guys standing around drinking inside! I don't know if he really remembered Matt or if he just said so. Doesn't matter. He offered me a drink and some cashews. An English woman there was able to translate a bit for me. Helpful.

8:50 pm

I've always had to write when I'm high because the thoughts that I have are so precious that I don't want them to get away. And I wish I could write faster -- shorthand! -- so I could record everything. I lose a lot of offshoot thoughts that are rocketing through my head while I'm struggling to write the original thought. Yes! Exactly! Like Right Now! My hand is falling off by going so fast, but the thoughts are overtaking it, leaving it fallen down in the dirt. How poetic. I'm listening to Juan Luis Guerra, writing, singing, dancing, thinking, learning. Thinking great thoughts about a big party with all of my friends from around the world. Everyone I know together. Reminiscing about all those times we've had. Wow. Does this mean I'm going to die?? My life is flashing before my eyes! Wow! I must be dead now. Well, that's just great.

8:58 PM
Wow. I miss getting stoned with my friends! Is that why I want to go back to Michigan? Just so I can get stoned with my friends? Hmmm. It is a pretty sound defense. Nuthin' wrong with that! Although I do enjoy getting stoned alone so I have time to record the thoughts. I wonder if De next door could hear me singing salsa earlier? A couple of weeks ago she told me she heard me singing in my apartment the previous Friday night. How embarrassing! How loud was I for God's sake? These are thick walls here. She must have heard me again tonight! I'm thinking of watching the "Masters of the Universe" movie, in Spanish of course, on TV right now.

9:06 PM
Oh man! Now I've been thinking of writing a TV script starring my friends -- stoned. It would be great! Well, I suppose the major networks wouldn't carry the program, but I could write it for a home entertainment video series. But, damn it, I lost the original thought again! I was at a welcome-back party telling them about my writing when stoned in Spain. I show them the journal I'm writing right now, saying that it has all my thoughts on life and on my life when I'm stoned. They look like, "Wow. That's really great. Look at the size of this. It's all the thoughts about your life when you're stoned..... Let's look at it!" It'd be Karen looking at it. Oh, this is all looping inside itself -- "like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel, never ending or beginning, on an ever-spinning reel." But there were even 4 or 5 thoughts within writing that sentence that were missed! Rocketing in my head again!

9:16 PM
Oh shit! And then I pass out copies of my "stories in Spain" while they're high and they read it and are dying! "It's a hit," I say to myself. Zoom in to an extreme close-up. It's the screenplay popping in again! Yes, I could do it! But I'd have to be high to write it! All the time! I'd have to be high to write. Tough life! I'm sure it's what many musicians and writers do or have done. Look at Hemmingway and his drinking. That's it! I'm a modern-day Hemmingway. Coming to Spain to write -- 60 years later.

9:24 PM
Now I'm listening once again to Juan Luis Guerra. "Ojalá que Llueve Café en el Campo" was the song. I was imagining a music video for it and then imagining me and my friends -- you know, the ones from around the world -- at this big party dancing and singing to "Tu Boca." Great fun! It all goes into the movie. The movie is in addition to the TV series. Two separate entities. Which first?

9:31 PM
Again! When

9:37 PM
Oh! major interruption! Annelies just came over. We talked about my leaving. How much stuff I have and that maybe she and Frank could take me to the airport. That would be nice! She's a good friend! I really think I'll come back here! I had been very neutral on my feelings the past weeks, but now it's leaning towards Málaga a little more heavily! So, of course, I lost that thought from 9:31! It was a good one, too. Another episode!

9:42 PM
Name for a salsa bar -- or band. "Dis Paradise."

9:44 PM
I just realized that Annelies is going over to Frank's awfully late. He has to work tomorrow! For sure, he'll be in bed. All this is going on while I'm making and eating tea and pound cake.

9:46 PM
Another thing! I was thinking how "tea and pound cake parties" could be the rage after the movie comes out. You know, cult-like, Twin Peaky stuff. Getting stoned, drinking tea and eating pound cake. They'd write about it in the underground social pages. Newspapers like "The Midnight Express!" Well, I think it's funny!

9:54 PM
I've got to memorize these words to "Tu Boca." I love it! What poetry!

10:04 PM
Now I'm thinking... I hope De doesn't hear the squeaking of my rocking chair and think it's the bedsprings. Don't want her to get the wrong idea! It certainly is interesting to see what I feel is important enough to stop what I'm doing and run to this journal to write down. I've been jamming to Juan Luis Guerra again.

10:11 PM
Teaching "Anti-Paranoia While High" classes. Dancing to "Ojalá..." Staying focused. Just enjoying the feelings of the song. Not thinking about how silly you might look to everyone else. It's another episode. "The gang" takes an encounter class together, a la Bob Newhart. Shit! There's Karen again, "What are you trying to say? That we're all paranoid or something?" Looking to someone else for support, "Is that what he's trying to say?" and getting a shrug from Richard. Expand on this sometime!

10:38 PM
I was thinking I need to call Matt tomorrow and tell him he'll be married in two weeks! Think he knows? I'm tired already. I was already lying in bed listening to "Tu Boca" trying to memorize it and trying to remember how to dance Salsa. Sevillanas, too! So much to learn in life!

10:44 PM
I wish I could hang from my feet right now. That would be helpful, I think. My body aches. Oh, I'm so old! Wow! Just realized that me, Jenny and Richard are the only single ones left. Karen, Matt, Elizabeth, Kim, Stu, Di, Linda and Julia. All married! Wow! Yeah, but I'm in Spain!

10:50 PM
Changed the music. Couldn't listen to that song over and over again. Now it's Louis and Ella -- a surprise selection over the venerable favorite, "Strange Angels."

11:11 PM
So I'm listening to Ella and Louis. And I'm concentrating on just the backing harmonies instead of the lead vocals. It's really incredible.

11:25 PM
I think I'm heading for bed now.

11:50 pm

Oh, there's so much to write about. From the heavy play of Motown music -- and English-language music in general -- on Portuguese radio to the "night life" of Évora. We saw the most beautiful "Palacio" in Sintra. Palacio de las Penas. It was still decorated in the manner of 100 years ago when the Portuguese royalty resided there. Absolutely stunning. Probably the best castle/church tour I've ever been on. And Nazaré this morning was stunning. The old town on the cliff overlooking the mighty Atlantic and the beaches below. Oh, I'd love to live there! But winters must be fierce! And this evening I read a bit about Michigan, even southern Oakland County, and their importance in the presidential race in the International Herald Tribune.

So back to the music. Tracy Chapman, Peter Gabriel, Sinead O'Connor, and not their current singles, but other stuff off either new or old albums. What a nice diversity. Portugal is different from Spain in that respect. Old Ike and Tina Turner, Four Tops, Ray Charles, Smokey Robinson, James Brown. Really! And through it all, some magnificent scenes. Old women carrying baskets on their heads -- dressed in black or perhaps several layers of petticoats. Thick shawls to protect them from the biting Atlantic wind. People "walking their cows" down the main road. Magical stuff. So different from where I'll be one week from now. We finally had some decent weather today. From the Palacio in Sintra you can see Lisboa and the Atlantic. Tomorrow, we explore Évora and make the journey homeward. I must admit that I'm ready, although I thoroughly enjoyed today. Through it all, I keep daydreaming of being back in Detroit (with it's 39° high -- yuk!) Let's just plug along, day by day, and see what develops!

11:00 pm

We're in Nazaré, Portugal. It's a very touristy village on the Atlantic. But, of course, at this time of year it's a pretty sleepy town. We're staying in a home. I feel so funny doing that. We bargained the lady down from 5000 to 3000 escudos. Unintentionally. But anyway, I hope the weather is better tomorrow so we can enjoy it. It must be beautiful. I love the waves crashing in. Makes me think I should run a bed and breakfast on the California coast. It rained all day today. I hated it. We walked around Porto in the morning, but I really didn't enjoy it. We took a tour of the Sandeman Port warehouse which was pretty fun. I think Porto would be beautiful in nice weather. I have to admit, though, I'm ready to go home. Home to Málaga. Even home to Detroit. For a while. Frank asks me every day, "What do you think today? Are you coming back to Málaga in January?" I tell him I honestly don't know. And I honestly don't know! We'll see what happens in the next two months.

8:00 pm

My emotions change with the weather. Hell, my future changes with the weather! When it's nice, I think, "How can I leave Málaga?" and when it's shitty, I think, "Why bother?" I'm in Porto with shitty weather. We drove here from Lisbon hoping it would be better, but it's not. It's also a very frustrating city to drive in. There are very few traffic lights. Just kind of a free for all with cars and pedestrians. And, of course, the streets aren't identified. Not that we could make out the names on the map we got from the tourist office. All in all, not worth the trip north. We're thinking of possibly returning Saturday, due to low funds. That would be fine by me.

I really haven't been leaning in any direction regarding the future. I have been fantasizing about winning the lottery and/or falling in love. Actually, I'm seriously considering pursuing a teaching certificate so I can teach in an overseas school. It'd be better money than just teaching English. And I have to think of things like insurance. So maybe I'll stay in Detroit to take classes. God, who knows? I've also been fretting about living and transportation arrangements. Buy a car? Pretty stupid if I'm staying only 2 months. Same with renting an apartment. But I don't want to be dependent on people either. In some ways life is harder in Málaga, in other ways it's so much easier. The freedom would be awfully hard to give up. The rigidity of the U.S. I don't know if I'm ready to go back to that. But the bourgeois, rather than bohemian, lifestyle has it's appeal. I just want it all. Is that too much to ask for?


9:15 pm

So I've come down to my last week in Spain. Spain! I still can't believe I've been in Spain for the past 9 months! And I can't believe all the wonderful friendships I've developed here. From the very start with Dave and Gitta, through Andre, Steffi, Jeannet, Gitta, Barbara, Frank, Annelies, Alton, Joel, Elisabeth. There are so many people who've touched my life. Wonderful friends. It's truly been a dream come true! But it's not a dream! It's reality. I can make what I want of my life. I just have to decide what it is that I want! Sunshine and warmth. Good friends. Security of money. That's all!

6:30 pm

Frank and I are in Lisbon. His other friends didn't come after all. I really like Lisbon. The activity is a nice change from the tranquility of the past two nights -- in Faro and Sines. It's a very cosmopolitan city. I must say there are a lot of people on the streets asking for money. I just wrote a postcard to Bob. I wish we could've come here together. Frank is getting on my nerves. He's so hyper. And he never wants to make any decisions. And he's sick. And he always wants to rest or eat. Oh well, enough bitching. Oh yeah, I'm spending too much money, too! I normally eat very little while traveling. I don't feel as energized as I usually do when I travel. Something's missing. Ah yes. Freedom.

7:35 pm

Thought! "I Know.. A Man is Wrong" by David Byrne for a video for Matt and Eli. Ya see, I was going to get stoned and try to write a toast for Matt and Eli's wedding. I thought it'd be good for regression through our friendship, choosing just the right words for those special moments we've all had together. The 1216 Michigan Avenue stories. I have to include when we met -- over a 6E Holden Quiz Bowl competition. Shit. I was just thinking how great it would be to get my journal from then and read it. But I don't have "The College Years" here in Spain with me. I'll look through it from June 1985 on. That's what I have here. I'll have to wait until I get back to Detroit to write about the very beginning. (To finish a previous thought: "Ya see, I was going to get stoned and write a toast for Matt and Eli's wedding," and instead I decided to listen to some music. But the music I put on -- David Byrne's "Rei Momo" -- made me think of Matt and Eli. Which kinda brings this full circle.)

I must also add that I'm cooking so I'm constantly being interrupted by running to the kitchen. This may answer my question as to whether or not I could stay on one thought long enough when high to write a book or screenplay. I seem to think It'd come out better, but I think tonight is proving that it's impossible. I can't even write a toast for Matt and Eli's wedding! Too many other thoughts get in the way. I'm analyzing being stoned again, aren't I? I suppose so. It is pretty interesting. But how to interpret it? Very difficult.

I can't believe how stoned I am. I don't even know what's going on. I just know it's fun. I was just in the kitchen fixing to eat the pasta and tomato sauce with meat balls -- which I just ate a few hours ago. I thought, "Why am I eating this? I should be writing Matt and Eli's toast." Absolutely no focus. Maybe I overdid it.

Now I had to get up and change the music when it stopped. So many stimuli!

Oh, here's another thought. Forgot to mention that there was a thief in Annelies' bathroom tonight! I'll have to expand on that later! Meanwhile, I'm eating and changing the music. And the damn tape player has that annoying buzz! Life in Spain. It's funny here!

8:09 pm

Now I'm thinking whether or not I should go out tonight. Not! Right now I think I won't. I'd have to shave, take a shower, put in contacts. But it's so early yet. And I would like to talk to Joel. I should have called him today. I'm sure I'll change my mind a few times in the next several hours. Just like deciding my future. Back and forth, back and forth. Today, I was thinking, "Yes, I would like to come back to Málaga. Or at least Spain." But who the hell knows? There will be hundreds of influencing factors over the next few months. Where will I end up? Anyway, now I'm going back to Matt and Eli's toast. I'm going to read through my journal looking for tidbits. Oh, maybe I should mention this very thing! Looking back through the years through my written thoughts.

So I haven't read through the journal yet, but I have been writing some ideas on a toast. But I'm also getting very emotional. I probably couldn't say it at the reception without losing it.

8:30 pm

Shit. Now I was just washing dishes, going to the bathroom and dancing to Zouk music. When am I going to get back to Matt and Elizabeth's toast?

8:45 pm

I wish I had written more about Kim and Todd's wedding in my journal. I wrote nothing! All those great experiences with the truck driving off with the beer keg in the back, still dispensing. Playing cards on an incredible stormy night in a big old bed and breakfast. Matt, Elizabeth and I sleeping together -- a la Three Stooges. We also drove back home together. We talked a lot about not being in relationships. And how that was okay.

9:00

Man! I've been reading and writing about Matt and Eli. Now I've just arrived at... MEXICO! God, we've had some great times together! I hope I can express this in voice, print and video!

9:07

So now I've changed music again. "It's My Life" by Talk Talk made me want to include the opening line into the wedding video. Isn't this where we came in -- at 7:35? I've just been thinking how fun it will be to put together Matt and Eli's video. I just wish I had more time. And I'll be busy at work, so I won't be able to stick around late and edit. I'm listening to "Fun Tape #1" -- circa 1985. Very fitting for tonight's topic. Now I have to listen to every song I know and pick out lines to insert into Matt and Eli's video. It's part of the "script" I'm writing tonight. Between writing this -- and all the other shit I find myself doing -- I'm writing down ideas for a toast and video in another part of this journal. (I'm still really stoned!) I probably shouldn't be drinking, either. I have to be in a car all day tomorrow! Shit! I'm going to Portugal with 3 Frenchies tomorrow! I won't speak English -- NO ENGLISH -- for an entire week! Just Spanish and bits of Portuguese. Perhaps the only French I know, too. Bits and pieces. But NO English! Man, I hope it's okay. I'm pretty hesitant, but my attitude these days says, "Get back in there, boy!" So, I go for it! I do things so different from my life back in Detroit. Wow! I'm excited again! Wake up every morning and say, "Hey, I'm in Spain!" All experiences are positive, because even negative experiences result in great stories to tell! Mike and the Frogs do Portugal! Hoo boy!

9:30 pm

MAN! I'm stoned! I hope I can put this Matt and Eli stuff together. It was a lovely day today -- sunny and 82°. Sunbathed mostly. About 6:00 pm I was on my terrace and I heard Annelies shout, "Mike, come! There's a robber! A robber in the bathroom!!" I couldn't really grasp it all, but I grabbed my keys and ran down the stairs and around the corner -- in barefeet -- to Annelies' house. She was stammering that there was a man in the bathroom -- she didn't want to open the door. She couldn't defend herself, because she's been recovering from a motor scooter accident and can't use her left foot. So I go in -- to the bathroom door and throw it open while jumping back to a safer distance. The bathroom was empty -- the curtains blowing in the open window. I rushed to look out the window, but saw no one down the narrow, winding steps outside her window. He had retreated at the onset of her screams and was probably long gone by now. What had really confused me at first is that I thought she said "rubber." A rubber in the bathroom. Weird life here.

9:46

Here's something interesting in the struggle between staying in Detroit and going elsewhere once again.... Look at my journal in the first 14 years. And then look at the past 9 months. How many times I was down in those past years. But... How many times was I down in the past months? I really am happy almost all the time here. Life really is a lot more carefree! Frolicking! I'm a frolicking otter! I was just doing one of those Irish jig performance pieces that I sometimes do while stoned. This one was to "Free Nelson Mandela."

10:07

How long was it since I was going to read about Mexico? That was an hour ago and I haven't gotten around to it yet. Now I'm having pound cake and tea. Mmmm. Remember the ice cream and pound cake I had in the summer? Yummy. So I'm sitting here thinking about how much fun Matt and Elizabeth's wedding is going to be! I'm so looking forward to it all! Really into it!

10:39

Now I'm back to drinking beer and "The Specials" are on. I've been skimming through the journal. Yes, Mexico, but also the Road Poets. So many great times together. I like the way I'm thinking of putting together this videotape.

11:07

I want to start the video with Matt as Nathan Detroit in "Guys and Dolls." I hope Rosie has the videotape! I've been writing other thoughts and remembrances. I have to remember Karen's story of her family over during the holidays. It's such a great "video story." They were watching a videotape of themselves a year before at Christmas watching themselves many years before at Christmas. Her sister, I think, was watching herself on the original video (within last year's video) and said, "Oh, look at my hair!" and then in the video -- watching the original video -- she said, "Oh, look at my hair!" in the exact same tone. The funniest thing is they had been videotaping that night, but the camera wasn't on right then again.

11:38

I got a letter from John Zerfas! Yay! He told me about his great house-warming party. I wish I could've been there! And now he's going to Las Vegas. Without me! We had so much fun last year in Vegas! I'm already thinking about bed. And it's not even time to go out yet! I guess I'm definitely staying in! I'm going to Portugal in 12 hours. I suppose I should think about that. Get ready and stuff. I'm listening to "Road to Nowhere" and thinking of Karen and Rick's wedding video. That was great! Damn, I wish I could watch it right now. "Verdi Cries" by 10,000 Maniacs is on now. This song always makes me weep. Hauntingly mournful.

12:00

I could never be happy in Detroit. Maybe if I lived on the lakeshore. Possible.

Another "oh yeah." De told me today that Don Francisco, the landlord, offered her a few months free rent if she'd allow him to "come over" from time to time. I'm assuming she meant to have sex with him. She didn't seem terribly shocked. Actually, she said maybe she would have to consider it if he offered $2000 or something.

12:31

Shit. I'm really freaking out about this next week traveling without speaking any English. It should be good for me! Other tidbits from the day as I'm getting ready for bed... I turned all my underwear and white t-shirts lavender by washing a purple shirt with them in Annelies' washing machine. How stupid! Like when David ended up with yellow underwear from Annelies' green shirt washed with them. Also found out that Elisabeth missed her flight Wednesday -- again! It left in the morning. She hadn't called to confirm! Luckily, she got another charter soon after. "La tonta del aeropuerto." De and I had some discussions on Sinead O'Connor ripping up the pope's picture and De's life on the farm in Ireland. She talked about how her brother wants to inherit the family farm, which De thinks should be sold. Her father wants to sell, Mom wants to "keep it in the family." De said it kinda depends on who dies first! She's so blunt all the time!

1:06

I've virtually eliminated stress from my life here in Spain. Not completely, but nearly. Work was tense at times. And this impending trip. And the thought of going back to Detroit -- perhaps for good -- soon after I return from Portugal has me feeling panicky from time to time!

6:50 pm

I found the Mesquita in Córdoba absolutely breathtaking! I'd have to rank at the top of the list of Spanish sights. The mixture of Moorish and Christian temples makes it so unique. I had outstanding weather today, too. I was able to walk around quite a bit. The city isn't quite as nice as Sevilla, but it's pretty nice. Now I'm waiting at the train station -- with a headache. Maybe I'll need to just stay in tomorrow to gear up for Portugal.... Nah! I should call Joel and see if he wants to buy my bike. Or play tennis. Or go to bed with me. Oops! Slipped! So I'm leaving in two weeks -- but I'll be traveling for half that time. Shit. I'm really starting to feel melancholy. Elisabeth's departure got me thinking a lot about my immanent departure. There will be so much to look forward to -- although I noticed there was snow in Battle Creek on the news. I'm not ready for that!

11:15 am

I had a nice time in Granada -- at least in the morning when the weather was nice. I went to the Alhambra and went through it with an American man I met there. He was a bit annoying, taking pictures and videos all the time, but it was nice to have someone to talk to. Then it rained and rained and I couldn't do a lot of walking around the town. I plan to go to Córdoba tomorrow and then Frank and I go to Portugal on Saturday for a week. Annelies hurt her leg and won't be able to join us. I'll miss her! I don't know if I'll enjoy Frank for a week. I do need to take advantage of the travel opportunity, however. Elisabeth leaves today. The "family" is breaking up.

6:30 pm

Analyze this sentence sometime: I'd miss a lot of things, if I didn't return. Correct usage? Or "don't" instead of "didn't"? What if it were (subjunctive, no?), "I'll" instead of "I'd"? I have the Spanish subjunctive mastered, it's the darned English that gets me.

Got interrupted. Elisabeth visited me and we smoked a little. I had been writing a letter to Gitta before. Oh, here's another tidbit for the chapter on "Frustrations: No phone/No car." Elisabeth and I want to go visit Frank tonight and celebrate her penultimate night. So we have to walk 20 minutes in the rain and hope he's home. No phone, no car.

Anyway, Elisabeth and I had a nice talk. She said she's thinking of going to Turkey to live in a friend's house next summer -- and invited me to come. You know I'll consider it! Free lodging near a beach. What more could I want? It's so fun to entertain previously unthinkable thoughts! That's what freedom does to you. I'm also thinking maybe they'd employ me long-term at BHSD again. Choices! Possibilities!

I'm really enjoying "Strange Angels" for the umpteenth time. It's so great for the soul. Especially with headphones! I love singling out one instrument at a time and just try to listen to it for a while. Ignore everything else. What a lot of work it must be to produce a song!

4:00 pm

Estoy fatal. Went out to the gay bars in Torremolinos with Elisabeth, Danny and Kiko last night. I really enjoyed dancing. I do wish Fran would have come! But I had a good time for the most part until we went to another bar at 6:00 am after dancing. I was tired and bored there. We got home at 7:30 am. Then at 1:00 pm, Danny and I played tennis. Oof. Rafa just came up for a visit. He invited me to come down to Danny and Kiko's, but I really just feel like being alone today. I want to write to Gitta, Keith and Antonio. Tomorrow, I'm going to Córdoba or Granada.

I ended up going out Friday night -- at 1:30 am. Danced at Donde with Elisabeth and a strange German girl until 4:00 am. Pretty fun, Today, my legs are absolutely dead. It's an overcast day, so I'm not very motivated to go out. Yesterday was gorgeous. I took a walk to the port. It really is so nice. So much going on. Mucha marcha. I need to talk to Joel. Maybe he'll want to buy my bicycle. Maybe we could go somewhere together this week.


9:00 pm

And yet, more interesting news. Barb from BHSD called me tonight already asking for help! I'll do a session about Spain for "A Taste of Teaching" and she told me about a Model High School project that may involve extra time -- and extra money, of course. Hee, hee, hee. It's so nice to feel needed. But it seems there are a lot of power struggles going on and I need to be the voice of reason once again. Pretty interesting stuff. So maybe I'll stay on in a "producer" role for a while longer. Ugh. That means winter in Detroit, doesn't it? Much too early to think about that! But the fact that it's rainy and cold again makes me realize this might not be so much better.

1:45 am

So I just had a nice time getting drunk with Annelies. I really just went down at 10:30 pm to apologize for missing yoga class. She's really a special person. She's so funny! What a great storyteller! We were talking about responsibilities when you have children. How different it would be to be drunk or stoned. Then she'd say, "We don't have children," and would pour some more wine. And she talked about Spanish men. "Fucking bastards" as she says. We talked about cute Fran. And, yes, he is gay. Now I'll have to go to the gay bar Saturday. I will miss Annelies.

6:00 pm

So things change again. My old boss at BHSD called me today and said my old job is available immediately. I told her there is no way I could come back before Nov. 1, but I'm not even sure I want to do that. We'll see how much it would cost. It would be nice to be home for the election, though. I've enjoyed doing nothing today. It rained all morning, so I watched TV from my bed until 11:00 am. Then I visited with Annelies and Corinne a couple of hours and slept again a couple of hours. What to do tonight? Don't know yet.

11:20 pm

I haven't yet decided if I'll go out tonight. I "should" try to find Joel and Jeannet. If I knew people I know would be there, it'd be easier. But I don't feel like getting cleaned up and going out in the cold if nobody's there. And I've been content watching TV and reading my Spanish Tao book. Reading about fasting -- cleansing the colon. Not a bad idea for me with my cancer risk. I suppose I should take better care of my body. I still don't do my daily exercises like I should.

4:45 pm

Herbert told me today that he's giving up hashish cold turkey. He says he's smoked a lot for the last 30 years and it's time to quit. He talked about it's regressive effects, how you think about the past. That is true, isn't it? Last night's "punks" episode is proof. He also talked about his childhood. How he was shuffled off to a "boarding school" from the time he was 1 1/2 years old! He is a pretty interesting guy. I suppose it's good that my marijuana and hashish supply is being cut off. A little is nice. A lot is too dangerous.

7:45 pm

So I really don't know. Herbert was telling me again about how things are looking up. He really wants me to come back -- even if Tecny Video Profesional no longer exists. He said he might be somewhere else, but could still use me. The future of TVP itself looks bleak. As long as I get paid tomorrow. But I really would think of coming back here if I could be sure of earning at least $1000/month. Then it would be worth it. And if Jenny still comes... Well, we'll see. Once again.

Tomorrow's my last day! Yay! I can't wait to be free! It would probably be good to get away from Carlos, too, before I go out of my mind. I've developed quite an attraction for him. And tonight, we smoked some hash together. Ooh, look out! Dangerous! But he has a girlfriend. I just can't keep my eyes off him. What a body!

Remember punks? No, not the skinhead kind, the mosquito repellent sticks. (The poor man's sparklers.) But they were really playthings for pre-adolescents. I remember burning holes in paper with them -- spelling out your name in charred paper cut-out. I'm burning an incense stick right now and I was just burning a hole in some paper. Memories of childhood. Funny what sparks a memory. Sometimes sound -- a favorite song; sometimes sight -- children playing at the beach; at other times it's a smell -- burning leaves; or a taste -- homemade chocolate chip cookies!

I'm watching Madonna's "Erotica" video. This must be causing havoc in the States. It's so much more explicit than that other one 2 years ago. I remember watching it in Kevin and Ron's room at Saugatuck. Why can't I remember the name? Not "Like a Prayer." Oh well. "Erotica" is pretty incredible. Rather explicit lesbian porn. Nothing wrong with pushing the envelope. I mean, American mores towards sexuality are so behind Europe. I suppose "Sexy Mother Fucker" by Prince isn't getting airplay, either. Banning books.

It's time to sit and think. About the future. Where I'm going. Where I'm at now. How exciting!!

11:50 pm

So what does it mean to turn 30? Who cares? People have a tendency to analyze their lives at this juncture. All I know is that I'm very content. You know, I seem to be much happier with myself when I'm not thinking about men. Kiko tells me I need a boyfriend. Annelies tries to fix me up with Javier. De talks about not wanting to be alone when she's 40. I could drive myself crazy. I see the men patrolling the park near city hall looking for some action. What's it all about, Alfie? Of course, I think about being with someone. Of course, I feel sometimes that "life is passing me by" because I don't have someone to share it with. But when I meet men I'm interested in, I always drive myself crazy. I'm thinking of going to a gay bar in Torremolinos with the neighbors on Saturday. I'd like to go to dance to good music and be with friends. And, yes, I'd like to meet someone. But what if I do? Then what? Problems creep up. Seguro.

So I only have 2 more days of work! Then I'm free! Let's see if they pay me!

10:30 pm

Yowzie! I'm watching the closing of Expo '92 live from Sevilla. I was wishing I had recorded it somehow -- to show people what Expo was like. And I'm thinking of how I could describe everything. Of course, I can't. There's no way to relate all the sights and sounds, the sensations of everything. The water/laser show just finished for the 180-something-th time. How do you describe it? I can't even try. Shit. I want to try, but can't start. Sensory overload. Makes me think of telling people about my experience in Spain. So much to say. No possible way to tell it all. Perhaps my time here has paralleled Expo '92. How fitting that I'm leaving shortly after its closing. The King is speaking now. Giving the closing address. What a busy year for him. All the speeches, all the visiting dignitaries because of Expo and the Olympics. What a year for Spain! And to think I was here to take it all in. Curro. Cobi. Now history. And today, the 500th anniversary of Columbus' landing. All behind us now. What an incredible year it's been for Spain. For me! And tomorrow -- an hour from now -- my 30th birthday. What lies ahead? (I just heard there wasn't a single robbery reported at Expo. Can that be true?) I can't believe it's over. Expo. My time here in Málaga. My twenties. All behind me now. What to look forward to now? Cartuja '93? Costa Rica? Thirty-something? Wow. I'm sitting here thinking I can do anything with my life. So many options! So many possibilities! It's really incredible, isn't it? To not have ni puta idea where I'll be in three months. Incredible! (I'm watching a movie in which Rutger Hauer is pursuing some A-rabs, in full A-rab dress, in a factory. Strange thing is: it resembles a dream I once had.) Elisabeth and I saw a great Spanish film called, "Jamón, Jamón" tonight. Typically Spanish. In the style of Pedro Almódovar. Bizarre. I was so pleased to find I understood probably 90% of it. And by speaking Spanish all weekend with Frank and Annelies, I feel I'm really close to fluency. But I have to continue it. That's why I'm thinking of Costa Rica. Or Barcelona. Those are two leading contenders right now. What the hell? Why not do it? I've really realized that you have to "go for it" in life. I'm so glad I'm high. I love to write -- really just think -- when I'm high. And to observe and reflect on the world. On so many topics. I'm just fascinated. But I wonder if anyone else will clue in? Could they ever understand all that I'm trying to record? Doubtful, no?

I wish I could record the video things I see on television. They're showing a Málaga documentary on the community TV station. It would be a great thing to show my family and friends. "My town." Of course, they wouldn't understand the narration! I love TV! Oh shit. Joder. Here I go again loving everything. Like I wrote about last time I was stoned.

You know, when I think a lot about Spain, or when I do things like going up to the mountains this weekend, I think I need to come back to Spain. There's so much more to discover! But still... Not to Málaga. I still need to push ahead. I can't be stagnant. That's why Barcelona probably has the edge right now. Although Detroit may be a wild card that turns up unexpectedly. What if I stumble upon a great job? Stability still has a strong pull on me. It's funny how I didn't mention a possible relationship keeping me in Detroit. I really don't dwell on those things anymore. It's for the best. Digo yo. Annelies, Frank and I kept saying that all weekend. A little jab at Spanish lexicography. What? Gotta think about that one. Giant leap, huh? After seeing Jamón, Jamón, and reading into it that relationships can really mess up your life, I'm pretty content on going it alone for now. Yes, for now. It's not like I'm "giving up on love." It's just that there's so much more out there. And sometimes relationships get in the way. Well. They at least direct you in different ways. Different caminos. Life. Ain't it grand? I'm so happy all the time these days. Sure, there's the boredom and frustration of work, but there is so much excitement in my life now. I can't give that up, can I? I mean, I don't doubt and second-guess myself like I used to. I'm enjoying new experiences. I'm in control here, as Alexander Haig once said. What a feeling.

Look out! Now I'm listening to Apollo 18 by They Might Be Giants. I'll always remember this summer in Málaga when I hear it. And Strange Angels by Laurie Anderson. My two favorite CDs to get stoned to.

We walked and drove through a lot of cork tree forests today. Pretty neat. I love being in nature. And the mountains. They are incredible, aren't they? And the sea. So powerful. What a terrific combination of so many geographies Andalucía has. A bit wordy, but from the heart. Man. Exactly one year ago I was in the Vegas airport getting my blue Miata convertible. So this is it! I'm actually 30 years old! I'm so excited! To be where I am in life on my 30th birthday. What a surprise! What a fantasy! To be living in Spain as I turn 30. Whoda thunk it?

11:00 am

So! That was a nice Wednesday evening of thinking and writing I had there! I needed it. Today I'm going to Ronda and the lake and forest area around there with Annelies and Frank. We'll stay overnight. Should be fun -- traveling. We're also talking about going to Morocco at the end of October for a week. Great! We'll go to Marrakech and the south -- by car. Much better than the train. Last night I went to the Feria de Fuengirola with Beth and family. It was a nice change of pace. Went on the roller coaster with the kids. I was going to go out to Bolivia afterwards, but Annelies was coming back, sobbing, as I was leaving. So I stayed and talked to her instead. She's feeling an "autumnal depression," but I think relationship problems have something to do with it. I suppose it's good to just cry sometimes. I'm sure I'll cry when it hits that I'm leaving. I've decided to leave work the 15th so I can travel. And "think." So, with Monday a holiday, that's really only 3 more days of work! De moved in next door. We had a nice chat over breakfast. Too bad she wasn't there before. It's a nice day today, after the past few days being very cold and rainy. I've been daydreaming of buying a car, packing up my things and heading across the USA in January. Current plan, anyway.


11:30 pm

Where am I? In Ubrique with Frank and Annelies. We're having a good time -- although it took us 2 hours and 3 towns to find lodging. We went out tonight. Not much action here. And no restaurants! Plus, it's the eve of hunting season, so the locals are hyped. I do like the idea of bringing kids -- whole families -- to the bar. They really give special attention to the kids here. We're in a cute little pensión -- only $10 a night. God, I'd love to run a bed and breakfast. I really need to look into that! I feel pretty comfortable speaking Spanish with Annelies and Frank, too. Maybe I should return here in January! ¿Quién sabe? Matt and Eli should come here on their honeymoon. Lots of leather for sale, too.

9:30 pm

Remember the song, "Birth, School, Work, Death" by, was it "The Godfathers"? Well, I'm listening to it right now. You guessed it! I'm really stoned. Shoot. It's "The Dirtfarmers." I swear, there was a band called "The Godfathers"! Wow! Just think how far Vanessa Williams has come since being crowned Miss America. What if she hadn't won -- was First Runner-Up? Then nobody would've cared about her Penthouse pictures -- or her singing career. Now she's really famous. Much more than Mary Ann Mobily or Lee Merriwether ever were! Ahh. But more famous than Phyllis George? I dunno. Phly was pretty famous in the early '80s. Married to the governor of Kentucky and working on NFL Today. Why am I on this stupid stream of consciousness? The radio! I was just doing a 5 minute interpretive dance to some Celtic music. Thank God my blinds were closed! What will the guys downstairs think? Pound, pound, pound. "Oh there's ol' lightfoot again. Dancin' stoned to Celtic music." Variety. Changes. New experiences. What life's about. Each minute new. A treasure to be used. LIFE! I love life! Indigo Girls. I like 'em. Great harmony. I love music. So interpretive! I think it would be a real drag not to be able to speak English. Think this way. (Psst. Yeah, over here.) Spanish teens are listening to all this R.E.M., Michael Jackson -- whoever. They're all singing English! You wouldn't have a clue what they were singing about. Talk about frustration! Morrisey, Peter Gabriel, Oleta Adams. There are other singers I've been hearing. You just can't dub songs like you can films! I'm glad I'm stoned. It'd been a while. And so much has been happening. David left this morning. Just as Beth was arriving. How fun! I love guests. I always want to live somewhere where my friends -- from all over the world -- will come visit. I mean, you wouldn't stop in on Detroit if you're a Dane or German on his first U.S. visit. But maybe L.A., San Francisco or Miami. Or even Chicago. I love friends! So much I'm loving tonight. It's like this hash is Ecstasy or something. There's a song they play here -- a house song -- that sings, "EcstaSI, EcstaNO!" Lots of techno music in the dance bars here. Rave -- is that what it's called in England? Something like that. Oh I feel so old. Out of it. Old fart! Zowie. I'll be 30 years old in less than a week! I suppose I should write a "recap" of my twenties -- like I review the year each new year. Yeah right! Why bother? It's all here already in my journal. Ten years ago. I remember talking with Jean Ellison how hard it was for me that I was losing my teenage years. That was an emotional birthday for me! Read about it sometime.

I want to impersonate people. Well, what I mean to say is that I want to do so many things. Like dance in a Rave Bar in Manchester -- with proper haircut and clothing, of course. Just once. To be part of that group. Or whatever group. But to know everything about it. I mean, I could go to a Rave Bar in Manchester. But the absorption of the culture takes so long. How comfortable would I be dancing at this bar in Manchester, with Doc Martins and a shaved head, if I didn't know something about this? Or going into some jazz club in New Orleans -- the old-fashioned smoky type in the movies.

"Unos negritos de Filadelfia." I just heard that on the radio. Talking about some "little black boys." Who are they anyway? "Til the End of the Road" is the song. I'm so out of American pop culture. Oooh. And I miss it! That's scary! I'm still a pretty well-conditioned American. Still miss The Flintstones, Little Caesars, the Free Press, Taco Bell, concerts, CNN, movies in English (videotapes, too), the presidential campaign. I do miss a lot. But then... When I really stop to think about it. "Yes, I miss a lot, but have I missed a lot?" Not really.

Radio Tres Pop is a great radio station. Not quite 89X. But more like Dave Dixon's show on WDET. You never know what to expect. Some great underground music, specials dedicated to the music of Bob Dylan, the Police, or Wilson Philips. Pretty wide variety! Throw in flamenco and Spanish pop music. Great stuff!

Wowsie wow! I was just thinking of cross-referencing my life! If I put this journal on a data base, I could select a topic -- say music -- and I could access journal entries with references to music! Well, I like the idea!

Double whammy! I was just thinking, "I Was a Teenage Censor." I remember my freshman year in college. After taping The Boomtown Rats' "Fine Art of Surfacing" I tried to erase the word "Shit" in the song ... Oh, what was it? About Rhodesia, no? "I was thinkin' they were lucky to be rid of that shit" was the line. Anyway, I kinda missed and it sounded really obvious that I tried to cut it out. Why did I do that? Kwananea!! The Christian Youth group! What did they do to me? Whew! That was close! What if I had really gone over the edge with that religious stuff? Double whew!! I remember going to a Maranatha meeting at MSU my freshman year. Yuck. I was so uncomfortable there. They were all so nice!! Too sugary! Left a bad taste in my mouth.

I was just wondering. How many Top 40 songs deal with love and/or sex? Good percentage, I'd say. Add in songs with a political message, and that's just about 100%, no? Okay, there are other types of songs, but not too many. Oh yeah. I forgot. There's really a lot to write about today. David left, Beth and family arrived. Jenny called. She said she's really happy with her work now. I guess it's a good thing that I decided already to go back -- and take everything. I'm glad I made the decision. You know, I was so determined not to consult people regarding my future. I wanted to do it by myself. Then I did make a decision to go back for good, when a phone call from Jenny turned me around 180°. But I'm back on course -- with the best idea. I'll take my stuff in case I want to stay in the U.S., but leave the door open to come back. Keep those options open! In my heart, I think I won't come back. And it saddens me, of course. I'll be gone from Málaga in a month. Another huge shift in my life. "What next, big sky?" I really don't know where I'll be 3 months from now: Detroit, Málaga, cualquier sitio.

Radio Tres Pop just played a cover of the Human League's "Don't You Want Me, Baby?" by the Farm or something. Now it's "The Blues Will Never Die" by Muddy Waters or someone like that. Pretty wild. "Dig that crazy rain." Woof! Big mood swing. Now I'm thinking of how repressed my emotions are.

11:50

Joel stopped by. I have a pretty wild assortment of friends, don't I? I love my friends. I was pretty startled to be disturbed while I was so stoned. But I guess I've come down quite a bit. Joel and I had a nice "chat." I wonder if he's interested in me. Oh well. I'll be gone in a month.

3:20 pm

Man! I'm starting to swing again. So I've been thinking ... maybe I don't want to come back to Málaga. Frustrations at work, lack of good social outlets. I don't know. I just can't seem to get it together. There's something so appealing about being back there. There? Where? I always want to be where I'm not. How come? Today's downside comes from not feeling good at work. Language thing still. And a feeling of having a lack of creativity. Sometimes I just can't find it. Herbert was trying to "talk it out of me." Telling me about the different minds and ways of thinking. Not that I could understand everything he was saying. I just want to be comfortable at work. And I'm not. But then, it's a job, isn't it? Yeah, but outside of work, things are lacking, too. I'm tired of Spanish. Speaking it, living it. Plus the money. It'll cost me $1300 to come back to Spain -- with the flight and rent. I could do a lot with that money. I could live 2 months on that. Or travel for a month. Or buy a car. Or a computer. Shit. Why do I do this to myself? I need to talk to Jenny or Matt. Shit. Mierda.


11:00 pm

So I'm really on a roll. I'm totally reverting. I'm thinking now of quitting 15 October -- next pay day. then I could still travel like I had wanted to. And I'd have about $750 to do it with. Not a bad deal. You know, I had been thinking of how I need to make decisions for myself. I had made the decision to go back to the States -- then Jenny called. She's the only reason I changed my mind. Why do I let others control me? Now I'm getting excited about "going home" again. About buying a Jeep and driving across country with my dog. Then just stopping "somewhere." Oh hell! Who knows? Here I go again...

3:00 pm

Bueno. Last night was fun. We invited Corrine and Elisabeth up for a beer. We smoked a little pot, too. Just hung out on the terrace a while. Then Annelies brought up some soup and we ate. Fernando came, too. Very nice. I guess I should invite people over more often, huh? Actually, it was David who invited Corrine up. He's staying through Thursday. And that's when Beth Chasco's coming. Busy, busy.

4:00 pm

I can't believe I haven't written in three days. Suppose I've been busy. I had a frustrating evening working last night. Carlos and I videotaped bits of wedding receptions for a promo. We didn't get several shots we were supposed to have. The lighting situation was bad. And I just couldn't make myself understood. Communication problems! It's still so damn frustrating. And I'd really like to be friends with Carlos. But the language barrier interferes. Herbert will be pissed when he sees the videotape. I want to tell him that I don't want to go out on those kind of shoots anymore. So I got to thinking that maybe I should move back for good. Shit. Here we go again. One bad night and I'm ready to "give up." I wish I wouldn't look on it as "giving up," but I guess I do. And I guess it is in some ways. David and I got stoned together Friday night. He really is pretty funny. We had a good time, although it was an early night due to this "sleepy pot." We went to dinner at La Paloma and watched some drunk teenagers singing Ramones songs on the beach. Went to the flea market with David and De today. It was a nice "different" thing to do. It's still so hot! 95° yesterday. The evenings had been getting quite cool, but not last night.

7:00 pm

Oh! I'm stoned at work again. Only mildly, I think. I think the tobacco more than anything has my head spinning. Herbert gave me some chocolate, then left to leave me manning the phone. What a stupid job. Nothing to do again today. I could've taken the whole week off! I told him that I'd be going back to Detroit to work for two months. As usual, he wasn't phased. He said, "fine." I talked to Matt today. He and Elizabeth are coming to Spain. Oh well. They can use my apartment. If I keep it. Is it worth the $500 I'll lose? I dunno. But where would I store my stuff if not? Joel? Frank? Work? Tough decision. Matt said Jenny's not coming in October. She wants to come in November now, but of course she shouldn't if I'm not here. I need to talk her into quitting and coming back with me in January. That would be best. Herbert still has confidence that things will work out well. I'm pretty sure, too. I must admit, though, one of my current fantasies has me finding a great job when I'm back in Detroit. Then I'd have to come back to Málaga to get my stuff. The future: so uncertain. I didn't come into work at all yesterday. We had to wait almost an hour for a new bus to come after ours had some problem with the door. Wouldn't close. Whatever. Things worked out fine. This Carlos at work is too cute. We're going to tape some promo stuff at La Fragatta banquet hall on Saturday. Next week, there'll be a lot of editing to do. Finally! I'm thinking again of buying a computer. I could rent it to TVP! I want to buy a car, too! I'm getting materialistic again!

1:30 pm

The long journey is nearing its end. We're on the bus to Málaga. Of course, I'm supposed to be at work right now. Oh well. Sure enough, we had to spend the night in Tangier. And we had to find a place that took credit cards since we didn't have any dirhams. But it worked out okay. The ferry back to Spain was nice. Much better weather this time. I didn't realize how close the two continents were. Beautiful scenery. This rolling countryside in Cádiz province is nice, too. On the train yesterday, we met two more Moroccans. One lives in Fes, has studied in London and gave us his address so we can stay with him in Fes. Really friendly people here! The other was friendly, too. He invited us to spend last night at his house in a small town. We said we had to get to Tangier. Just before he left, he asked if we wanted some hashish! I was tempted... Good thing David's here. On my own, I'd probably fall for so many tricks. Naiveté. Oh well. Next time I'd rather go by car. Much more freedom with the time, plus you'd avoid a lot of the hustlers. Maybe I could get Joel to go. His French would certainly help. You know, more than one Moroccan said something about "the more you give, the more you receive" in life. I like that. Alms-giving is one of the 5 tenants of Islam. I guess that's why they're so hospitable. Youssef mentioned that when you die, you don't take anything with you, so why accumulate a lot of things. He prefers to travel. Me too!


3:00 pm

Ay! Just when it seemed we were home-free. We just passed through Marbella when the air-conditioning on the bus went out. Now we're stopped by the side of the road. To fix it? ¿Quién sabe? ¡Qué calor! This is getting to be too much. I guess I'll never get to work today!

2:00 pm

I'm not really in the mood to write, but I don't have much else to do. We're in the train station waiting to go to Tangier. We were supposed to leave at 7:30 this morning, but the alarm didn't go off! Shit. What a waste. And now we don't know if we can make the last ferry to Algecieras. It would be a drag staying in Tangier again. With the hustlers. I hate wasting time. And I might have to miss work tomorrow. Too bad!

7:10 pm

Woof! What a couple of days! I can't believe I have friends in Fes! We found out that, yes, Abdul is a hustler. But a benevolent hustler. He's lied to us -- quite a bit actually -- but the end result is that everyone's happy. That's the rhythm of life in Morocco! He took us to his home on the edge of the medina. It was incredible, the squalor we passed through. Kids playing in the narrow, garbage-filled alleys, saying, "Bonjour" when they saw us. We had traditional Moroccan tajine and mint tea. It was fantastic! Then he mentioned he was going to take a walk through the medina. Oh, we would like to come with him? Sure, why not? He's so slick! We wandered through the incredible maze of the medina, stopping occasionally to look at a leather tannery, carpet maker, etc. It was so delicious just soaking up all the sights, smells and sounds. Then we ended up at a carpet store that Abdul "had never been to before." In fact, he told us several times. When the big sales pitch came -- after some mint tea -- we knew we had been scammed. In fact, David found it perfectly spelled out in his guide book. "A man will meet you several stops before your destination, invite you to tea in his home, take you to the medina, and then to the shop "of a friend." Pretty much says it all. Anyway, David got into the bargaining -- arguing that he didn't want to buy until his (fictitious) girlfriend could come back to see the carpets. Total scamming on all sides! But the end result was that David got a good deal on a carpet, the owners made a profit, and Abdul got a commission to be sure. I got a fascinating experience! I was rather put off at first when I found out it was a scam and they started applying pressure, while saying, "You don't have to buy. We're friends!" and other assorted bullshit. But then I got to enjoying it for the game that it was. Really. That's all it is! And (usually) everyone wins! This morning David and I wandered the "new Fes" area of the medina and had to fend off some pretty persistent "guides." They were very annoying. But again, part of the game. We managed to find our way around pretty well on our own. But then Abdul met us again at 2:30 pm and we went back to Fes-al-Bali -- old Fes, dating from the 9th century. We stopped for mint tea at a tiny cafe full of old Moroccan men playing cards -- while Abdul excused himself "to go to the toilet." He kept disappearing on us all the time. No doubt making other arrangements for us to go somewhere "he's never been." We went to buy some tea services at a really nice place. The shopkeeper was very friendly. David was trying to speak Spanish with him most of the time. I managed to get a brass tea service (for Matt and Eli) and an extra teapot (for me!) from about $200 to $60. Not bad. Then we went to buy camel hair blankets. $30 -- good deal. The salesman there, Youssif, said he has a friend in Málaga (the director of the school where Carmen from yoga class teaches!) and he'll come visit me. He also said I could stay with him next time I come to Fes! Jenny and I have to come back! So it's been quite an exhausting and exciting 2 days in Fes. I hope to keep in touch with Abdul even though he's a scammer. But it is a win-win-win situation! The Moroccan people really are a hospitable people. If you can look past the hustling. It really seems to be part of the culture. You have to accept it a you would accept any cultural differences. Oh, we even had three young guys apparently try to "hustle" us in the sexual sense. They had their arms around us, commented on our bodies, etc. Pretty wild stuff here!!


9:00 pm

So we said good-bye to Abdul. He came over to have dinner with us and even paid for it. What a nice guy. What a contradictory country this is. You lie to people, then take them to dinner. Wait a minute. Isn't that similar to what happens in U.S. business? There's an eye-opener! Maybe it's just on a different scale with different stakes. We even ran into him again after dinner while looking for a Visa money machine. He offered to give us dirhams in exchange for pesetas. What a good guy! I hope he got a good commission off us! That brings up the question of whether or not he knows that we know. When/if I come back, couldn't we just be open about him getting a commission? Or do things need to remain covert. Hush, hush. Some things we just don't talk about!

11:30 am

Pretty exciting stuff! We're traveling from Tangier to Fes. On the "first leg" we met a young man who spoke English and was very friendly. He told us, among other things, that Fes is very dangerous right now, and we should get off the train with him and wait for the connection to Fes. Well, we almost did, but David asked an employee and we figured out we were supposed to change trains later. He was talking about going to a "market" 5 km from the station. Hooboy. We could've really had some trouble. But he was so nice... Anyway, then we met some people where we sat next. The man, Mohammed, spoke some French and that's how we communicated! There were also two girls, Hend and Rafa, who were very nice. They were all going to "Casa" -- Casablanca. We listened to Arabic music on a pink portable tape player. And we managed to talk about a few things. Found out we were all single. Mohammed suggested that I marry Rafa! They said they'd tell us when we had to change trains, so that relieved us. We had a visit from 2 little girls who Mohammed apparently knew. It was really fun!! A great cross-cultural experience, albeit frustrating with the language. We took photos and said we'd send them to them. Then we met Abdul, a teacher who speaks English. He lives in Fes and invited us to his house. I think we'll check into a hotel first, and then we could do it without fear. I'm enjoying learning.

3:00 pm

Geez!! So, 24 hours later, I'm on a ferry to Tangier. But I shouldn't have gone out so late last night! I had planned to go for a drink at Bolivia and be in bed by 1:00 am to get some sleep before waking at 5:30 am. But Joel stopped by and told me about the party at Carambuco that I had promised to help with. Actually, I thought it was tonight. But anyway, I allowed myself to get dragged out -- until 4:00 am. And, of course, since the sangria was free, I drank a lot. Now I feel like I did on the Press Boat in Lake Huron after Boat Night in 1987. I didn't even have fun last night. None of my friends came with me. So I was bored there -- and trapped since it's so far away. I finally paid $10.00 to catch a cab at 4:00. Uf. Bad evening. I've had only 7 hours of sleep the past two nights. And Morocco is next! I had meant to call Jenny and Donna last night, but totally forgot.

11:17 pm

It's been a pretty exhausting day. And I'm sure that tomorrow will be, too. First, it was pouring down rain when we arrived in Tangiers. Of course, we were greeted by the standard hustler "guides." David tried the "be friendly but firm" approach when one leeched on to us. I pretty much tried to ignore him. But he wouldn't leave us despite our protestations and promises of no money. After walking a while in the rain, we made it very clear that he had to leave us and he got rather belligerent -- almost violent. In fact, he said, "I'll kill you" at one point. And he had some "friends" rush to his support later on. It was a bit unnerving but we finally got rid of him after he spent 5 minutes calling us names and jabbing us with his finger, demanding to be paid for "showing us the way." David was pretty shaken. I thought it was a great experience! We certainly learned a lot. We never should have let him follow us in the first place. But we found a hotel, dried out for a bit, then went out for dinner and walked around the market area. The sights and sounds, although soggy, were fascinating! We were latched onto a couple more times, but pretty much ignoring them seemed to do the trick. Tomorrow should be fantastic!

3:00 pm

I WIN AGAIN! I WIN AGAIN! I WIN AGAIN! Man, things are looking good. Just got to work out the details. BHSD wants me to come back to work for 6 weeks at $100/day. That puts me there through Christmas. I hope that sounds okay to TVP. I could come back here in January. I just hope they don't decide they don't need me in the meantime. If so, I'll have to find another job. I can do it! And the extra $3000 will come in handy. Okay, it'll be less with taxes, but it'll pay for my plane, Christmas gifts and living expenses for the two months there. Perfect! So then, I'll probably still work until I leave Nov. 5th. That means Jenny and I may not be able to travel. And I wouldn't be here if Matt and Elizabeth come. But then again -- I might go to Morocco tomorrow! I don't have to work again until Wednesday. Herbert's been giving me everything I've asked for lately. Okay, time off, but not more money. I'll ask David if he wants to go. It'd be cool! I wasn't sure I could do it because of the money, but now it shouldn't be a problem.

And I had a great time at Expo yesterday. A long day -- from 6 am to 4 am. And I couldn't go to many pavilions I wanted to because there were incredible lines. But I went to some smaller ones and enjoyed them. Latin America, South Pacific Islands, Holland, Poland, Cuba. I traveled around the world. And heard music from Jordan, Venezuela, Germany. great stuff. I even figured out the transportation situation. Bike, train, metro, bus. I love the freedom of traveling!

7:40 am

On the road to Sevilla. I was reading an article about the experiences of a woman who had cancer. I was thinking about how agonizing it would be to go through that. The pain, the fatalism, the philosophizing. It shocked me when I realized I was half-way through the story before thinking about my father -- or my mother. Why is that? I have lived with cancer. Maybe I never allowed myself to think how horrible it must have been for each of them. The agony. The despair. The helplessness. The loss of "dignity." The loss of self-reliance.

3:15 pm

So I've been bummed because I haven't had any mail lately. But I got a visitor instead! David's a friend of Jane and Jon's. Annelies told me of a guy who came to her door yesterday asking about me. Said he was a friend of Jane's visiting here. How fun! It was one of those cool spontaneous things. David and I rode bikes to Annelies's yoga class, but got lost, so we went for a beer instead. Then we met up with people from the class afterwards. Went to a small, funky restaurant for a bite to eat, then to Plaza de la Merced for another drink. I really like the Spanish couple from class. Very nice. Tomorrow, I'm going to the Expo! Things are slow at work, so it's a perfect time. Frank has Thursdays off, so maybe he'll go with me -- and drive. I'd rather spend the day alone going through the pavilions I want to at my own pace. But we'll see. I'd like to stay late, too. I may go to Morocco with David. Yeah, I know I'm not supposed to spend money! But I need to travel. I can't wait for Jenny.

12:30 pm

Man! What do I want to do? Why do I think about it so much? I wonder if they would let me go to the States for 2 months and then come back to Tecny Video -- with Jenny -- in January. That's if I could work in Bloomfield Hills. So many undecideds. What if I come back and they screw me?

4:00 pm

I actually kinda had fun at work today. And Herbert told me of plans to acquire studio space. Plus, this new guapo named Carlos is going to work with us. All sorts of possibilities. I just don't feel like working! Sigo luchando.


10:20 pm

I was just thinking about Saturday night. Four guiries -- an American, French, Dutch and German -- out on the town, speaking Spanish. How cool. My neighbor, María, told me she's seen the new guy who's moved in next to me sneaking around people's apartments. Makes me nervous. I guess I should close my windows and terrace doors when I leave. I never have before. It would be a drag to be ripped off.

11:20 am

I love lazy weekends. Yesterday, I spent some time on the beach, then visited Frank on his terrace -- right on the beach. How nice. I'd love it! Then we went to a Goddard movie -- in French with Spanish subtitles. Yeah right. Impossible. Then we went out with Elisabeth and Corrine. It was really good for me because I had to speak Spanish all day and night. And we went to the center before ending up dancing at Donde. A little variety. I've been worrying about money more. Shit. I don't make enough! Sure, it's enough to live, but not to afford a flight to the States, or contacts, or Christmas presents. Nothing extra. I don't know how long I could live like that. No clothes, no music, no travel.


7:45 pm

Okay. So am I thinking of leaving Málaga because I can't afford Christmas presents? If so, something's wrong here. Money, money, money. I hate it! I had a great day -- reading mostly. The New York Times Magazine, Mother Jones, Harper's. Great stuff. Inspirational. But those things do make me feel like "going back."


9:20 pm

It's incredible what's going on in Iraq with this "no-fly zone." It's meant to "protect the Shiite population from attack." Who's protecting the people of Afghanistan, of Burma, of Somalia? Minorities are being attacked all over the world. governments are wreaking havoc on their own citizens. But we only look to Iraq. (I've been reading the New York Times!)

10:30 pm

It's my usual Friday night getting stoned! I really enjoy it. And now, my plans for the future are wavering once again. Herbert's been telling me of all the work he has lined up. I think he wants me to stay. I've been thinking about it. And then Jenny called today! She's definitely coming in October, probably for three weeks. She really wants to move here, too. That would be so fun if she came! So maybe I can hold on at work. Until "reinforcements" come to rescue me! We would have a blast! Oh shit! I hate when things change so drastically, so suddenly! But it's always subject to change. I worked 9 1/2 hours straight today, because a project needed to be done today (then got pushed back to Monday anyway!) But I didn't mind it because I was feeling "challenged." And with the proposed projects in the future, I'll probably be challenged a lot more. And, you know, I'm feeling a little better with the language. I've been teaching Alberto how to edit and so have been speaking a lot. And last night at Bolivia, I talked a lot with Rosario from Argentina. She's really nice!

I'm watching a Spanish Johnny Carson show. The guest is a Spanish singer in full, huge lacy Sevillanas dress with fan.

1:04 am

Why am I always disappointed with myself? I never seen to live up to my expectations. I think that I should always push myself more. Do more things. Go out to the bar and meet people. It's as if quitting my job and moving to Spain wasn't "good enough." There's so much more to do yet. But I can't push myself that far that quickly. It really takes me a long time to build up my confidence in new situations. I'm always terrified when I start a new job. Can I do it? Again. It's not "good enough" that I got the job. Creo que es el tiempo escribir en español. ¿Por qué no? Yo puedo hacerlo. Y en esa manera, lo practicaré. No me ayuda cuando estoy escribiendo en inglés. Tracey Chapman todavía está en mis oídos. Me alegre que haya decidido escribir en español. ¡Aun sujunctivo! De was so funny last night with her Spanish -- her horrible accent! Whoops! Slipped! De estaba tan divertida anoche con su español -- ¡su accento terrible!

1:25 am

I alternately fantasize about living back in the U.S. with a really good job, perhaps still in Detroit, and frolicking on the Malagueñan beaches with Jenny! Both would be okay! I need a computer. I really want to write. It would be so much easier with a computer! I should think about saving money to buy one. It would give me a goal. A reason to "sacrifice" by not spending money. I wonder if I really could write. I should practice by describing the people I know here -- complete with one or two stories about them. Study their life-journey. People are so fascinating! So many unique stories.

So "writing" seems to be my pet project prospect this evening. Last week it was the Spaulding Gray movie or the "travel video." I'd have to learn to type! But I was just thinking of an "experience" to write about. I made it up. I can do that, too! It doesn't all have to be "true-life stories." Anyway, the storyline was my friends Joel, Helen and others coming over tonight and "forcing me" to go out. I complain that I can't -- I'd need to put in my contacts, shave, get dressed. So they physically dress me, shave me, etc. They really "force" me to go out.

2:00

I was just getting into "Romeo and Juliet" by Dire Straits. "Juliet, when we made love you used to cry," brings tears to my eyes. Why is that? I think about that intense love relationship that I've never experienced.

I was just thinking about Jenny coming. Yay! I wonder if we should rent a car for a week. Then we could go to Portugal and Morocco. I don't even know if she wants to travel a lot. She may just want to sit still and get to know the Spanish culture. That'd be fun, too! I was also thinking how I never really talked to Rosario before last night. I always had a negative impression of her. Why? Because of the crease in her forehead? Stupid!

6:30 pm

Uf. I went to Torreblanca yesterday to see Dave and Gitta. I had a nice time. Gitta and I had a chance to talk quite a bit. Dave's in Germany with Frank Zappa and plans to tour with Morrissey in October in Canada. Gitta told me about a crystal that Rita gave Dave. It seems to have helped them tremendously. Work has picked up. She told me how it "magically" appeared from England after Dave's drunken friend allowed it to be confiscated at the airport whilst delivering it from Dave's parents. It got to their mailbox -- without postage -- in one day. Strange things happen. Anyway, John, the film props guy and this cutie named Duncan, who's a cameraman on BBC's soap, "El Dorado" in Coín, were there. We talked a lot about life in Spain -- and about leaving it. There was also an older guy named Pat who I ended up going to bed with! I don't know how that happened! Should've been Duncan! Oh well. It was "an experience." Then I went straight into work this morning. I was so tired. Only stayed teaching Alberto until 1:00 pm. Then I slept all afternoon. Tonight I'm going to Annelies' yoga class! Should be fun. "An experience." When I read The Nation that Matt sent me, I get mixed emotions. I want to go back to the States and do radical things. The articles give me inspiration! But I also think, "Why go back to that shit?" Difficult. I have been enjoying life lately, although I've been feeling quite a void, too. I need a boyfriend.

11:30 pm

I had a nice talk with Herbert today at work. After a joint and a couple of beers. We talked about life and relationships. He's a good guy. I, of course, didn't talk about my relationships, but the way he carefully phrased things makes me think he thinks I'm gay. I did talk a lot about "why I'm here" and the changes in my life the past two years. He said I have a good life. I'm free. I agree. Annelies, Corrine and Elisabeth came over for a time tonight. I had made some chicken curry tapas. Fun! Now I think I'll go to Donde/Bolivia for a drinkie. Although I don't really feel like it. I need to push myself to go out sometimes.

2:00 pm

So I finally quit! I've agreed to stay until the end of the month. It'll be an extra $300 plus maybe $200 with the weddings. Perfect. I'm going to teach Alberto how to edit, so he can take over. Herbert is really cool. He understands. He says he's "walked many kilometers" and still doesn't know where he's going. So I have to trust him to pay me what I'm owed at the end of the month. In the meantime, maybe I should do this "movie" I want to make. I was so fucking nervous trying to tell Herbert I want to quit. Why? No big deal. I'm happy that I'm being honest and fair -- even if they haven't been with me. You know, I had talked to Matt about it and he helped clarify things. I simply must let them know what I require to work here. If I don't get it, I can't stay. Simple. Herbert told me it would be a year before I would earn what I deserve to earn.