11:30 pm

I had a nice talk with Herbert today at work. After a joint and a couple of beers. We talked about life and relationships. He's a good guy. I, of course, didn't talk about my relationships, but the way he carefully phrased things makes me think he thinks I'm gay. I did talk a lot about "why I'm here" and the changes in my life the past two years. He said I have a good life. I'm free. I agree. Annelies, Corrine and Elisabeth came over for a time tonight. I had made some chicken curry tapas. Fun! Now I think I'll go to Donde/Bolivia for a drinkie. Although I don't really feel like it. I need to push myself to go out sometimes.

2:00 pm

So I finally quit! I've agreed to stay until the end of the month. It'll be an extra $300 plus maybe $200 with the weddings. Perfect. I'm going to teach Alberto how to edit, so he can take over. Herbert is really cool. He understands. He says he's "walked many kilometers" and still doesn't know where he's going. So I have to trust him to pay me what I'm owed at the end of the month. In the meantime, maybe I should do this "movie" I want to make. I was so fucking nervous trying to tell Herbert I want to quit. Why? No big deal. I'm happy that I'm being honest and fair -- even if they haven't been with me. You know, I had talked to Matt about it and he helped clarify things. I simply must let them know what I require to work here. If I don't get it, I can't stay. Simple. Herbert told me it would be a year before I would earn what I deserve to earn.

3:30 am

I'm listening to the soundtrack from "Local Hero" and thinking that I'd never want to live away from the water. Going down to the beach at sunset. It's fantastic. The sound of the waves. Incredible. No wonder ancient civilizations always grew along the water. What power. These oceans are so vast!!

Oh, I'm having a fun night. Doing so many things. Writing these letters to Matt and to Bob, analyzing music, analyzing myself and my feelings towards "Bob." Not just Bob the person, but "Bob." All that it represents. The implications for the future. Losses. Gains. Life gets serious sometimes! But why? Shouldn't we just let it unfold before us like the Yellow Brick road? I'm really enjoying writing right now. I think I'm going to stay up all night. I always think I should go to the beach at dawn. Maybe today!

I swear I have never heard this music before. All the times I've listened to Local Hero without realizing how complex it is. Beautiful sounds in my ears. Music and Nature.


6:00 am

I can't believe I've stayed up all night. Writing, thinking, listening. It's great. I think my body's tired, but my mind's not. I wrote some very philosophical stuff to Bob. The pase lo que pase kinda stuff. Annelies told me yesterday I shouldn't let him go. She said he's the nicest person she's ever met. What a nice thing to say!


3:30 pm

What excites me? Travel. Bob. Getting high with my friends. An evening at home alone. So what do I want to do? Staying in Málaga will improve my Spanish -- which will make it easier to stay here. I need to get over the fear of speaking Spanish! But I also think there are so many other adventures waiting for me out there. I could live in California. For a while anyway.

3:10 am

I guess I shouldn't have forced myself to go out. I didn't have such a great time. Annelies and I walked to El Palo, met some friends of hers -- she knows so many people -- had some tapas and drinks. It was nice. She's a good friend. She said I "can't leave her." She also said that Bob was the nicest person she's met and thinks I need to pursue him. Maybe. He obviously needs more time. He hasn't written me! But then I made myself go out again at 1:00 am, although I was very tired. It was okay. I saw a lot of people I knew. But I was pretty bored, really. And tired. I didn't take a siesta today.

2:50 am

I wish I could write about tonight, but I'm too tired. Tomas being so sweet. "Coming out" to Helen and Joel. The incredible, but incredible meeting at work this evening. It was like a movie! But I'll have to catch up tomorrow.


2:50 pm

SHIT! What an incredibly intense 24 hours!! In no particular order.... I got paid!! Yes! $1000 -- actually 100,000 pesetas. So now I need to make a big decision. I still think I'm going to quit. I really don't want to continue. But the extra money would be nice. I still think I should continue past September 15th on a daily-paid basis. Earn a little more money, but make a commitment to leave. But I'll think some more on it this weekend. So anyway, last night at 9:00 I thought I'd never get the money. I was in a meeting with Bernardo, Andrés and Herbert thinking about what else I could steal and how I could cover my tracks. I'd have to get my working papers back. I was wondering how long it would be before they noticed the camera and two weddings missing. Herbert had just threatened to walk -- he actually got up and started collecting his things, saying, "You have my number." I thought, "Oh, shit, I'll never see that money!" But Andrés calmed him down. Bernardo had accused him (I think - all of this was in very rapid Spanish!) of over-estimating costs and keeping the extra money. He also said that Herbert hadn't done anything in 2 1/2 months. Herbert said Bernardo kept missing meetings, hadn't paid us or the phone bill. It was pretty ugly at times. I basically sat and watched. Like Europeans watching the Dream Team -- now knowing exactly what was going on , but MAN it was exciting!! I swear I was just giggling. What was I doing there anyway? Of all the spaces on earth, I was in that one. Life is fun! So it dragged on. Tempers were doused and we agreed on a plan for the future. "But wait," I finally got a chance to say. What about the present -- my money! They said they'd pay me today. And they actually did! Although I still had doubts until the very end!

After the meeting, I went to a party at cute, tall, blond, German Tomas' house with Joel and Helen. I had a great time. Tomas leaves today. Shame. Nice guy. Joel was being himself. He bought two huge steaks for us to grill -- and had to let me know what a great price he got from his butcher friend. He and Helen were really hitting it off. Actually, Tomas and I were, too. But he's leaving! Anyway! Helen and I (and sometimes Joel) were talking about discrimination -- racism and anti-gay/lesbian laws. I mentioned my involvement in gay/lesbian issues. Coming out slowly! So it was a really nice party. Then we went to Donde/Bolivia for a bit. Earlier, we had gone to Joel's place. It's his parents really. What a liar! Anyway, we swam in the pool on the hillside overlooking El Palo and the sea. Very nice. Joel, of course, was on his mobile phone the whole time speaking English, Dutch, Spanish and French. He really needs to try to impress people. Met his sister and her boyfriend and his parents. I didn't really care for Carrie. A lot like Joel. But her boyfriend, David, was fun. Although he made some comment about blacks taking over the Caribbean islands. WHICH they sail to with the charter company they work for. (Joel had told me his sister had a large yacht. It's not even hers!!) You know, Joel also mentioned -- he said it's a secret his father was privy to. Duh. -- that South Africa is going to have "one man, one vote real soon." Wow. Thanks. I'm impressed with that secret tidbit of current affairs. But he was bothered by it because "there will be problems with the end of white rule." Like there are no problems now! His parents seemed real cool. His mum has a pretty posh accent (as opposed to Carrie's pouty posh accent) And his dad's great. And while I was enjoying "the good life," I thanked God I didn't have their attitudes. But I was jealous of all the travel stories. Helen has been everywhere! How fascinating. So that was my past 24 hours. Too much!!

1:00 pm

So I'm on strike again. But this time, Herbert is too! He's pissed, too! There's a wedding on Saturday, so we have some leverage. And I have 2 finished weddings and a camera at home. Something has to happen. It's better than waiting until Tuesday. They haven't even paid the phone bill. It's been cut off. Stupid!

4:30 pm

Very suspicious again. Herbert's losing faith. He was complaining that he doesn't have any money, either. I now have the feeling I might be able to get another $300 or so from the weddings, but the money won't be there next Tuesday. Should I hang onto this camera for insurance? Yes! That, of course, would also mean that I can't travel. Hell, I don't know if i could stay through October. I got a letter from Matt today. Yea! He said I should be expecting a package soon. Yea! He told me that Kim Parfitt has been having a very difficult pregnancy. I need to write her, but don't have her address. I need to call Karen.


9:30 pm

Ran into Joel this afternoon. So we ended up going out for a drink. Then we went to get haircuts, but the place was full. Then we went over to Helen's, and Tomas was there, too. He invited us to his going away party tomorrow night. Cool. I decided not to go out to dinner with Joel and Helen tonight. I don't have the money, nor did I want to feel like odd man out. Joel's trying to get me to stay in Málaga. He said he'd take me to Canal Sur to introduce me around. And he said I should do independent productions. What is his story? Anyway, Helen's pretty interesting, too. She's been just about everywhere. But, you know, she seems a little "empty." too. Maybe she and Joel would be good together! But I haven't given up on him yet. Just going slowly as usual. Tomorrow we're going out on his boat! Yes! I'm enjoying this. The good life. So many cool experiences. I hope Jenny still comes to visit in October. She'd have a blast! Me, too!