12:30 am

One more week in Spain. And so much to do! I worked another 9 hours today and didn't get much done. So many interruptions. I was so frustrated when André kept calling about the tapes he wanted and I couldn't understand everything. I really need to study more. And practice more. Elisabeth stopped by tonight to talk. She's tired of Spain, too. I'm looking at apartments with Frank tomorrow, but he doesn't want something until September. I need to call some places tomorrow. I miss Bob! It was strange sleeping -- and waking up -- alone. I feel so alone right now. I got a ton of mail today. From Andre, Steffi, Antonio, Karen, and Tim and Steve. How fun. Plus my mail from Steve and Bettie. Took me hours to go through it all. I need to get organized for the trip and the move. Who has time for that stuff? I wonder how Bob's doing on his first day back at work? Is he thinking of me? Is he telling everyone of our romantic adventures? Is he settling back into that too familiar, too comfortable to leave lifestyle? Is he going to seriously pursue studying here?


11:00 pm

I really feel that I got a lot accomplished at work today. That's good. I'm getting nervous about an apartment. Mitchell tells me not to worry. His friend will find me something. Annelies says I can stay at her place if I don't find something, so I really don't have to worry. She thinks there's something available near her. Very small, but cheap and a decent sea-view. Still in Pedregalejo, too. There's a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment available over-looking the bull-ring -- a minute from work. But it's $720/month. Too much. Too bad! Maybe when Bob and/or Jenny comes. I don't feel like going out tonight. Although I feel that "I should." Just to Bolivia. Maybe tomorrow I'll go to Queen. Doubt it.

11:30 am

I can't even lie down in bed without my thoughts turning to Bob. And tears coming to my eyes. I think of the time we spent together. I think of the time we'll be apart. No matter what, I start to cry. I can't believe how wonderful these past two weeks were. How wonderful it was to be totally in love. I guess it showed, too. Annelies's sister, Heleen, told us that it was so nice to see two people who really care about each other. Last night we talked about the future. We agreed that it's impossible to make any definite plans right now, but that we could see us together at some point. The question is when. Where. How. He'll pursue the idea of coming to Málaga to study for 3 - 4 months. That would be so nice. So this was "a beginning" as he put it. Who knows where things will lead us? I just know that it'll be hard for him to break away from the comfortable niche he's carved out for himself. Twenty-five suits. Shirts at the cleaners. A cozy home. A well-paying and well-respected position. At least I feel we've been totally honest with one another. I really enjoy sharing things with him. To be vulnerable with someone. To be able to cry with someone. I cried a lot last night. The past two nights we had dinner at home and stayed in. We had planned to do the town Friday. I would have liked to show him the center. But we laid down "for a minute" after dinner and didn't get out of bed. It was a wonderful time together. On Thursday, we went to Torremolinos. Had dinner at a surprisingly romantic outdoor restaurant and went to several sparsely-populated gay bars. We enjoyed it, though. We had great sex that night. I think I felt more comfortable with him after our talk Wednesday. More willing to be completely free with him. Where will we end up? Spain? Kentucky? Other country, city? It's these times when I want to "settle down." Go back to the States and live "the American dream." And then travel. I think I'd like to try Italy next. Maybe Greece. Jenny called Thursday. She's thinking of moving here in the fall. That would certainly be impetus for me to stay. Otherwise, I'm so unsure. I miss "back home" so much. I miss my friends, my way of life, my language! I need to find a place to live. I'm thinking (again) of living with French Frank. Or his co-worker, Eric. We saw him yesterday. Bob thinks he might be gay, too. I'll have to accept his offer to drop by for a beer. Neil Gibbs called me on Friday. It was so nice to hear his voice. I really miss him. Karen called, also. I love my friends! I said good-bye to Antonella yesterday. The last of the Alhambra gang. She said there's lots of mail for me at school. Yay! You know, I hate the way Bob always puts himself down. Saying he's not worthy of me. That he always takes much more than he gives. He calls it "spontaneous self-deprecation." I don't know where he gets it from. He has every right to be egotistical. He's handsome, he's got such a pleasant, warm, caring personality, he has friends and co-workers and family who love and respect him. He gives so much of himself to others. And he's still dealing with the loss of Ron. When we were in Mérida, he had a nightmare. In it, he had been talking to Ron on the phone and realized that Ron was no longer alive. He said he could hear his voice so clearly. He told me of another time when he dreamt he came home from work and Ron's car was gone. He looked frantically through the house for him, but he wasn't there. Bob was afraid he had had a problem and drove himself to the hospital. Then he heard Ron in the backyard talking with a neighbor. He rushed up to him and hugged him and said he was so glad to see him. Ron couldn't understand why Bob was so upset. Then Bob woke up. This happened a month after Ron died. I can't imagine the pain. We talked a lot about his interest in the Catholic church. He needs to find a purpose, a meaning. He asked me what I would think if he became a priest. I told him it would be a great loss for me and that I would think he's just searching for something. He'd make a great priest as a job, but not as a way of life. He doesn't even believe in God! He says he's going through these Catholic classes to learn more, not necessarily to accept all. He compares it to "quantum physics" where if you run into something you can't explain or don't understand, you kind of jump past it and go on to the next step. I like that. Quantum Religion. Speaking of which, we did the last First Communion yesterday. Yay! During the first mass, María Carmen dropped the camera from the second floor window. It fell on a boy, but he was okay. What a disaster. Shit. I'll be so glad to get those done. We have a wedding tonight. Not looking forward to it. Although the one we did last Sunday was pretty fun.

2:15 am

Bob and I talked a little bit more about our feelings today. About if we could ever live together. About where I should be. About why he came here to see me. But, of course, we came up with no conclusions. I told him I'm a little tired of the sex, but certainly not the romance. I'm still very confused about our relationship. I think he is, too. I know I'd like to be with him on a long-term basis. I think he thinks about it, but isn't convinced it would work. I said it's hard to base things on this 2 weeks together because it's so artificial. We've never been together without conference or travel behind it. We need to just live together a while. Here, we're rushing because time is so short. If he comes to study here, that would be a good opportunity. We called Donna tonight. BHC won the Hometown Award for Overall Excellence in Institutional Access. Sure, the one year I'm not there! Actually, it's March to March, so it's still mostly my award. She also said that Gary's position has been eliminated. I'm sure that's all I'll hear about when I'm back! I have to work a lot of hours tomorrow. Need to catch up.

1:00 pm

I wish I had time to write more. I'm sure I'll leave out so many things. Yesterday, Bob and I went to Expo with Annelies and her sister. We had a really nice time together. Sometimes Bob and I click so well. Other times, like this morning, I feel we don't. We can't decide what to do. The weather's been really cloudy. We wanted to go to the beach. Maybe we'll go to Granada. We went on the sky cable car at Expo last night. That I liked. Actually, I was in a bad mood by that time. I was tired and crabby. We didn't get good seats for the fireworks/laser light show. On Monday, I worked only a few hours in the afternoon. I still feel so guilty because there's so much to do! But I want to spend time with Bob, too. I need to. We spent the morning sleeping late and going to the school. I worked all day on Sunday -- Communions and a wedding. But at least Bob was able to go to the beach. I was so mad because Daniel or María Carmen could've done it. What a waste of time! Bob came with me to the church Saturday morning and then I worked a few hours in the afternoon. Oh, I forgot. We went to visit Dave and Gitta Sunday night. It was nice. We had a romantic dinner out on the terrace. It was so nice to see them again, too. After Trujillo, Bob and I stayed in Cáceres and then Élvas, Portugal. We really had such a great time traveling together. I was down because of the rainy weather, but it was still nice. I wish we could've spent time in the city of Sevilla, but we just didn't have time. I wonder if the two of us could live together. He's thinking of coming back here to study Spanish for a couple of months. That would be nice. But I'm getting so fed up with Spain. Bob's right. I need to meet some gay friends here.

10:30 am

Bob and I are beginning our fourth day together. It's been pretty wonderful. We're in Trujillo in Extremadura. We were just passing through and saw an old castle here, so we decided to stay. This is the kind of traveling I wanted to do. We took a detour off the main highway on the way and saw some beautiful little towns, mountains and countryside. I enjoyed Madrid, but felt a little on edge there. So busy, so many people. We stayed in a nice hotel just off the Puerta del Sol. We went to the Plaza Mayor and El Prado, but didn't do many other touristy things. We found a great outdoor gay cafe. Met three American students who were really nice. We got pretty drunk that first night, actually. We both even smoked cigarettes! But it was so nice to sit and hold hands. We talked about Bob moving here. He said he can't because he needs to be close to his parents. It's hard for me to accept that, but I can certainly understand it. He's such a special person. I'm just so afraid of "losing him" to someone else. That just wouldn't be right. I think we're destined for each other. Why can't we work out the details? Last night, after a nice dinner in the Plaza Mayor in Trujillo (home of Francisco Pizarro), we went up to the castle again. It was so romantic! Among the Moorish ruins under the stars, we kissed and professed our love for one another. Bob quoted from MacBeth. Said we should kill the king and drink hemlock. I thought it was more like Wuthering Heights. All this was under the watchful eye of the gyrating virgin. Legend has it that the Virgin Mary appeared here in 1275, so they've erected a shrine to her. the statue faces out over the city, but when you put in 25 pesetas, it's supposed to turn around and face inside. But it was broken. No twirling Madonna.

10:00 pm

Shit. Work has been grueling. Bernardo told us that he doesn't like the way I've edited the individual tapes. He wants more close-ups and frills. Vale. We can do that if he wants. I'm so tired of work, though. Two more long days and one short one. I talked to Bob yesterday. I think we're both equally excited about this rendezvous. There is just so much that I want to see and do, but we don't have enough time! And I'll feel guilty if I don't work a few days the second week. I want to write to Matt and Eli and others, but I have no time! Angie is really nice. She took me out to dinner last night and is cooking dinner tonight. I haven't been looking for an apartment. I need to soon. With or without Frank. I think the Bloomies are today. I should call. But I'll probably sleep right after dinner! I've been thinking more about my Bed and Breakfast idea. I think it would be fantastic! I really do enjoy meeting travelers. I think Bob and I could do it! Visualize it! Make it real! There really is nothing beyond one's grasp. You just have to be willing to go for it. Damn. I really want to call BHC. They should be preparing for the Bloomies right now. But, I don't think I will. I'm not sure why not. // Okay, so I did just try to call, but got no answer. Didn't leave a message on the machine. I'm not sure why not. Maybe it's best to just go to sleep when I'm in these melancholy listless moods. G'night.

8:00 pm

Matt and Elizabeth are getting married! Wow. Although I expected it at some point, I'm still floored! Matt wants me to be his Best Man. Yea! They're hoping for a fall wedding, but I wonder if they'll have to back it up. It's hard to find reception halls. Actually, I'd prefer it in the spring. It'd only be 4 - 5 months before I go back again if it's in the fall. But then, maybe I'll need that, too. I'm sure this will add some emotion to discussing relationship matters with Bob. All my friends are "settling down." Why not me? Why not us? Shit. Got through another weekend of First Communions. I really hate doing them. But I'm looking forward to editing this week. I've been practicing my Spanish with María Carmen and Frank, but I still prefer taking the easy road. Last night, I partied with Alton and Sune at their house. They were so fucked up. I didn't have the energy to go to the bar with them at 2 am. It was very difficult to get up this morning! This German girl, Angie, is moving in today. I'll miss my privacy! I made a tape Friday night while drinking wine and re-reading my journal. I've had quite an incredible life, I think. Not really spectacular in most ways, but this Spain thing has been eerily fulfilling. Spent most of the day on the beach. It was nice to have (most of) the day to myself!