9:30 pm

Remember the song, "Birth, School, Work, Death" by, was it "The Godfathers"? Well, I'm listening to it right now. You guessed it! I'm really stoned. Shoot. It's "The Dirtfarmers." I swear, there was a band called "The Godfathers"! Wow! Just think how far Vanessa Williams has come since being crowned Miss America. What if she hadn't won -- was First Runner-Up? Then nobody would've cared about her Penthouse pictures -- or her singing career. Now she's really famous. Much more than Mary Ann Mobily or Lee Merriwether ever were! Ahh. But more famous than Phyllis George? I dunno. Phly was pretty famous in the early '80s. Married to the governor of Kentucky and working on NFL Today. Why am I on this stupid stream of consciousness? The radio! I was just doing a 5 minute interpretive dance to some Celtic music. Thank God my blinds were closed! What will the guys downstairs think? Pound, pound, pound. "Oh there's ol' lightfoot again. Dancin' stoned to Celtic music." Variety. Changes. New experiences. What life's about. Each minute new. A treasure to be used. LIFE! I love life! Indigo Girls. I like 'em. Great harmony. I love music. So interpretive! I think it would be a real drag not to be able to speak English. Think this way. (Psst. Yeah, over here.) Spanish teens are listening to all this R.E.M., Michael Jackson -- whoever. They're all singing English! You wouldn't have a clue what they were singing about. Talk about frustration! Morrisey, Peter Gabriel, Oleta Adams. There are other singers I've been hearing. You just can't dub songs like you can films! I'm glad I'm stoned. It'd been a while. And so much has been happening. David left this morning. Just as Beth was arriving. How fun! I love guests. I always want to live somewhere where my friends -- from all over the world -- will come visit. I mean, you wouldn't stop in on Detroit if you're a Dane or German on his first U.S. visit. But maybe L.A., San Francisco or Miami. Or even Chicago. I love friends! So much I'm loving tonight. It's like this hash is Ecstasy or something. There's a song they play here -- a house song -- that sings, "EcstaSI, EcstaNO!" Lots of techno music in the dance bars here. Rave -- is that what it's called in England? Something like that. Oh I feel so old. Out of it. Old fart! Zowie. I'll be 30 years old in less than a week! I suppose I should write a "recap" of my twenties -- like I review the year each new year. Yeah right! Why bother? It's all here already in my journal. Ten years ago. I remember talking with Jean Ellison how hard it was for me that I was losing my teenage years. That was an emotional birthday for me! Read about it sometime.

I want to impersonate people. Well, what I mean to say is that I want to do so many things. Like dance in a Rave Bar in Manchester -- with proper haircut and clothing, of course. Just once. To be part of that group. Or whatever group. But to know everything about it. I mean, I could go to a Rave Bar in Manchester. But the absorption of the culture takes so long. How comfortable would I be dancing at this bar in Manchester, with Doc Martins and a shaved head, if I didn't know something about this? Or going into some jazz club in New Orleans -- the old-fashioned smoky type in the movies.

"Unos negritos de Filadelfia." I just heard that on the radio. Talking about some "little black boys." Who are they anyway? "Til the End of the Road" is the song. I'm so out of American pop culture. Oooh. And I miss it! That's scary! I'm still a pretty well-conditioned American. Still miss The Flintstones, Little Caesars, the Free Press, Taco Bell, concerts, CNN, movies in English (videotapes, too), the presidential campaign. I do miss a lot. But then... When I really stop to think about it. "Yes, I miss a lot, but have I missed a lot?" Not really.

Radio Tres Pop is a great radio station. Not quite 89X. But more like Dave Dixon's show on WDET. You never know what to expect. Some great underground music, specials dedicated to the music of Bob Dylan, the Police, or Wilson Philips. Pretty wide variety! Throw in flamenco and Spanish pop music. Great stuff!

Wowsie wow! I was just thinking of cross-referencing my life! If I put this journal on a data base, I could select a topic -- say music -- and I could access journal entries with references to music! Well, I like the idea!

Double whammy! I was just thinking, "I Was a Teenage Censor." I remember my freshman year in college. After taping The Boomtown Rats' "Fine Art of Surfacing" I tried to erase the word "Shit" in the song ... Oh, what was it? About Rhodesia, no? "I was thinkin' they were lucky to be rid of that shit" was the line. Anyway, I kinda missed and it sounded really obvious that I tried to cut it out. Why did I do that? Kwananea!! The Christian Youth group! What did they do to me? Whew! That was close! What if I had really gone over the edge with that religious stuff? Double whew!! I remember going to a Maranatha meeting at MSU my freshman year. Yuck. I was so uncomfortable there. They were all so nice!! Too sugary! Left a bad taste in my mouth.

I was just wondering. How many Top 40 songs deal with love and/or sex? Good percentage, I'd say. Add in songs with a political message, and that's just about 100%, no? Okay, there are other types of songs, but not too many. Oh yeah. I forgot. There's really a lot to write about today. David left, Beth and family arrived. Jenny called. She said she's really happy with her work now. I guess it's a good thing that I decided already to go back -- and take everything. I'm glad I made the decision. You know, I was so determined not to consult people regarding my future. I wanted to do it by myself. Then I did make a decision to go back for good, when a phone call from Jenny turned me around 180°. But I'm back on course -- with the best idea. I'll take my stuff in case I want to stay in the U.S., but leave the door open to come back. Keep those options open! In my heart, I think I won't come back. And it saddens me, of course. I'll be gone from Málaga in a month. Another huge shift in my life. "What next, big sky?" I really don't know where I'll be 3 months from now: Detroit, Málaga, cualquier sitio.

Radio Tres Pop just played a cover of the Human League's "Don't You Want Me, Baby?" by the Farm or something. Now it's "The Blues Will Never Die" by Muddy Waters or someone like that. Pretty wild. "Dig that crazy rain." Woof! Big mood swing. Now I'm thinking of how repressed my emotions are.

11:50

Joel stopped by. I have a pretty wild assortment of friends, don't I? I love my friends. I was pretty startled to be disturbed while I was so stoned. But I guess I've come down quite a bit. Joel and I had a nice "chat." I wonder if he's interested in me. Oh well. I'll be gone in a month.

3:20 pm

Man! I'm starting to swing again. So I've been thinking ... maybe I don't want to come back to Málaga. Frustrations at work, lack of good social outlets. I don't know. I just can't seem to get it together. There's something so appealing about being back there. There? Where? I always want to be where I'm not. How come? Today's downside comes from not feeling good at work. Language thing still. And a feeling of having a lack of creativity. Sometimes I just can't find it. Herbert was trying to "talk it out of me." Telling me about the different minds and ways of thinking. Not that I could understand everything he was saying. I just want to be comfortable at work. And I'm not. But then, it's a job, isn't it? Yeah, but outside of work, things are lacking, too. I'm tired of Spanish. Speaking it, living it. Plus the money. It'll cost me $1300 to come back to Spain -- with the flight and rent. I could do a lot with that money. I could live 2 months on that. Or travel for a month. Or buy a car. Or a computer. Shit. Why do I do this to myself? I need to talk to Jenny or Matt. Shit. Mierda.


11:00 pm

So I'm really on a roll. I'm totally reverting. I'm thinking now of quitting 15 October -- next pay day. then I could still travel like I had wanted to. And I'd have about $750 to do it with. Not a bad deal. You know, I had been thinking of how I need to make decisions for myself. I had made the decision to go back to the States -- then Jenny called. She's the only reason I changed my mind. Why do I let others control me? Now I'm getting excited about "going home" again. About buying a Jeep and driving across country with my dog. Then just stopping "somewhere." Oh hell! Who knows? Here I go again...

3:00 pm

Bueno. Last night was fun. We invited Corrine and Elisabeth up for a beer. We smoked a little pot, too. Just hung out on the terrace a while. Then Annelies brought up some soup and we ate. Fernando came, too. Very nice. I guess I should invite people over more often, huh? Actually, it was David who invited Corrine up. He's staying through Thursday. And that's when Beth Chasco's coming. Busy, busy.

4:00 pm

I can't believe I haven't written in three days. Suppose I've been busy. I had a frustrating evening working last night. Carlos and I videotaped bits of wedding receptions for a promo. We didn't get several shots we were supposed to have. The lighting situation was bad. And I just couldn't make myself understood. Communication problems! It's still so damn frustrating. And I'd really like to be friends with Carlos. But the language barrier interferes. Herbert will be pissed when he sees the videotape. I want to tell him that I don't want to go out on those kind of shoots anymore. So I got to thinking that maybe I should move back for good. Shit. Here we go again. One bad night and I'm ready to "give up." I wish I wouldn't look on it as "giving up," but I guess I do. And I guess it is in some ways. David and I got stoned together Friday night. He really is pretty funny. We had a good time, although it was an early night due to this "sleepy pot." We went to dinner at La Paloma and watched some drunk teenagers singing Ramones songs on the beach. Went to the flea market with David and De today. It was a nice "different" thing to do. It's still so hot! 95° yesterday. The evenings had been getting quite cool, but not last night.

7:00 pm

Oh! I'm stoned at work again. Only mildly, I think. I think the tobacco more than anything has my head spinning. Herbert gave me some chocolate, then left to leave me manning the phone. What a stupid job. Nothing to do again today. I could've taken the whole week off! I told him that I'd be going back to Detroit to work for two months. As usual, he wasn't phased. He said, "fine." I talked to Matt today. He and Elizabeth are coming to Spain. Oh well. They can use my apartment. If I keep it. Is it worth the $500 I'll lose? I dunno. But where would I store my stuff if not? Joel? Frank? Work? Tough decision. Matt said Jenny's not coming in October. She wants to come in November now, but of course she shouldn't if I'm not here. I need to talk her into quitting and coming back with me in January. That would be best. Herbert still has confidence that things will work out well. I'm pretty sure, too. I must admit, though, one of my current fantasies has me finding a great job when I'm back in Detroit. Then I'd have to come back to Málaga to get my stuff. The future: so uncertain. I didn't come into work at all yesterday. We had to wait almost an hour for a new bus to come after ours had some problem with the door. Wouldn't close. Whatever. Things worked out fine. This Carlos at work is too cute. We're going to tape some promo stuff at La Fragatta banquet hall on Saturday. Next week, there'll be a lot of editing to do. Finally! I'm thinking again of buying a computer. I could rent it to TVP! I want to buy a car, too! I'm getting materialistic again!

1:30 pm

The long journey is nearing its end. We're on the bus to Málaga. Of course, I'm supposed to be at work right now. Oh well. Sure enough, we had to spend the night in Tangier. And we had to find a place that took credit cards since we didn't have any dirhams. But it worked out okay. The ferry back to Spain was nice. Much better weather this time. I didn't realize how close the two continents were. Beautiful scenery. This rolling countryside in Cádiz province is nice, too. On the train yesterday, we met two more Moroccans. One lives in Fes, has studied in London and gave us his address so we can stay with him in Fes. Really friendly people here! The other was friendly, too. He invited us to spend last night at his house in a small town. We said we had to get to Tangier. Just before he left, he asked if we wanted some hashish! I was tempted... Good thing David's here. On my own, I'd probably fall for so many tricks. Naiveté. Oh well. Next time I'd rather go by car. Much more freedom with the time, plus you'd avoid a lot of the hustlers. Maybe I could get Joel to go. His French would certainly help. You know, more than one Moroccan said something about "the more you give, the more you receive" in life. I like that. Alms-giving is one of the 5 tenants of Islam. I guess that's why they're so hospitable. Youssef mentioned that when you die, you don't take anything with you, so why accumulate a lot of things. He prefers to travel. Me too!


3:00 pm

Ay! Just when it seemed we were home-free. We just passed through Marbella when the air-conditioning on the bus went out. Now we're stopped by the side of the road. To fix it? ¿Quién sabe? ¡Qué calor! This is getting to be too much. I guess I'll never get to work today!

2:00 pm

I'm not really in the mood to write, but I don't have much else to do. We're in the train station waiting to go to Tangier. We were supposed to leave at 7:30 this morning, but the alarm didn't go off! Shit. What a waste. And now we don't know if we can make the last ferry to Algecieras. It would be a drag staying in Tangier again. With the hustlers. I hate wasting time. And I might have to miss work tomorrow. Too bad!