7:40 am

On the road to Sevilla. I was reading an article about the experiences of a woman who had cancer. I was thinking about how agonizing it would be to go through that. The pain, the fatalism, the philosophizing. It shocked me when I realized I was half-way through the story before thinking about my father -- or my mother. Why is that? I have lived with cancer. Maybe I never allowed myself to think how horrible it must have been for each of them. The agony. The despair. The helplessness. The loss of "dignity." The loss of self-reliance.

3:15 pm

So I've been bummed because I haven't had any mail lately. But I got a visitor instead! David's a friend of Jane and Jon's. Annelies told me of a guy who came to her door yesterday asking about me. Said he was a friend of Jane's visiting here. How fun! It was one of those cool spontaneous things. David and I rode bikes to Annelies's yoga class, but got lost, so we went for a beer instead. Then we met up with people from the class afterwards. Went to a small, funky restaurant for a bite to eat, then to Plaza de la Merced for another drink. I really like the Spanish couple from class. Very nice. Tomorrow, I'm going to the Expo! Things are slow at work, so it's a perfect time. Frank has Thursdays off, so maybe he'll go with me -- and drive. I'd rather spend the day alone going through the pavilions I want to at my own pace. But we'll see. I'd like to stay late, too. I may go to Morocco with David. Yeah, I know I'm not supposed to spend money! But I need to travel. I can't wait for Jenny.

12:30 pm

Man! What do I want to do? Why do I think about it so much? I wonder if they would let me go to the States for 2 months and then come back to Tecny Video -- with Jenny -- in January. That's if I could work in Bloomfield Hills. So many undecideds. What if I come back and they screw me?

4:00 pm

I actually kinda had fun at work today. And Herbert told me of plans to acquire studio space. Plus, this new guapo named Carlos is going to work with us. All sorts of possibilities. I just don't feel like working! Sigo luchando.


10:20 pm

I was just thinking about Saturday night. Four guiries -- an American, French, Dutch and German -- out on the town, speaking Spanish. How cool. My neighbor, María, told me she's seen the new guy who's moved in next to me sneaking around people's apartments. Makes me nervous. I guess I should close my windows and terrace doors when I leave. I never have before. It would be a drag to be ripped off.

11:20 am

I love lazy weekends. Yesterday, I spent some time on the beach, then visited Frank on his terrace -- right on the beach. How nice. I'd love it! Then we went to a Goddard movie -- in French with Spanish subtitles. Yeah right. Impossible. Then we went out with Elisabeth and Corrine. It was really good for me because I had to speak Spanish all day and night. And we went to the center before ending up dancing at Donde. A little variety. I've been worrying about money more. Shit. I don't make enough! Sure, it's enough to live, but not to afford a flight to the States, or contacts, or Christmas presents. Nothing extra. I don't know how long I could live like that. No clothes, no music, no travel.


7:45 pm

Okay. So am I thinking of leaving Málaga because I can't afford Christmas presents? If so, something's wrong here. Money, money, money. I hate it! I had a great day -- reading mostly. The New York Times Magazine, Mother Jones, Harper's. Great stuff. Inspirational. But those things do make me feel like "going back."


9:20 pm

It's incredible what's going on in Iraq with this "no-fly zone." It's meant to "protect the Shiite population from attack." Who's protecting the people of Afghanistan, of Burma, of Somalia? Minorities are being attacked all over the world. governments are wreaking havoc on their own citizens. But we only look to Iraq. (I've been reading the New York Times!)

10:30 pm

It's my usual Friday night getting stoned! I really enjoy it. And now, my plans for the future are wavering once again. Herbert's been telling me of all the work he has lined up. I think he wants me to stay. I've been thinking about it. And then Jenny called today! She's definitely coming in October, probably for three weeks. She really wants to move here, too. That would be so fun if she came! So maybe I can hold on at work. Until "reinforcements" come to rescue me! We would have a blast! Oh shit! I hate when things change so drastically, so suddenly! But it's always subject to change. I worked 9 1/2 hours straight today, because a project needed to be done today (then got pushed back to Monday anyway!) But I didn't mind it because I was feeling "challenged." And with the proposed projects in the future, I'll probably be challenged a lot more. And, you know, I'm feeling a little better with the language. I've been teaching Alberto how to edit and so have been speaking a lot. And last night at Bolivia, I talked a lot with Rosario from Argentina. She's really nice!

I'm watching a Spanish Johnny Carson show. The guest is a Spanish singer in full, huge lacy Sevillanas dress with fan.

1:04 am

Why am I always disappointed with myself? I never seen to live up to my expectations. I think that I should always push myself more. Do more things. Go out to the bar and meet people. It's as if quitting my job and moving to Spain wasn't "good enough." There's so much more to do yet. But I can't push myself that far that quickly. It really takes me a long time to build up my confidence in new situations. I'm always terrified when I start a new job. Can I do it? Again. It's not "good enough" that I got the job. Creo que es el tiempo escribir en español. ¿Por qué no? Yo puedo hacerlo. Y en esa manera, lo practicaré. No me ayuda cuando estoy escribiendo en inglés. Tracey Chapman todavía está en mis oídos. Me alegre que haya decidido escribir en español. ¡Aun sujunctivo! De was so funny last night with her Spanish -- her horrible accent! Whoops! Slipped! De estaba tan divertida anoche con su español -- ¡su accento terrible!

1:25 am

I alternately fantasize about living back in the U.S. with a really good job, perhaps still in Detroit, and frolicking on the Malagueñan beaches with Jenny! Both would be okay! I need a computer. I really want to write. It would be so much easier with a computer! I should think about saving money to buy one. It would give me a goal. A reason to "sacrifice" by not spending money. I wonder if I really could write. I should practice by describing the people I know here -- complete with one or two stories about them. Study their life-journey. People are so fascinating! So many unique stories.

So "writing" seems to be my pet project prospect this evening. Last week it was the Spaulding Gray movie or the "travel video." I'd have to learn to type! But I was just thinking of an "experience" to write about. I made it up. I can do that, too! It doesn't all have to be "true-life stories." Anyway, the storyline was my friends Joel, Helen and others coming over tonight and "forcing me" to go out. I complain that I can't -- I'd need to put in my contacts, shave, get dressed. So they physically dress me, shave me, etc. They really "force" me to go out.

2:00

I was just getting into "Romeo and Juliet" by Dire Straits. "Juliet, when we made love you used to cry," brings tears to my eyes. Why is that? I think about that intense love relationship that I've never experienced.

I was just thinking about Jenny coming. Yay! I wonder if we should rent a car for a week. Then we could go to Portugal and Morocco. I don't even know if she wants to travel a lot. She may just want to sit still and get to know the Spanish culture. That'd be fun, too! I was also thinking how I never really talked to Rosario before last night. I always had a negative impression of her. Why? Because of the crease in her forehead? Stupid!

6:30 pm

Uf. I went to Torreblanca yesterday to see Dave and Gitta. I had a nice time. Gitta and I had a chance to talk quite a bit. Dave's in Germany with Frank Zappa and plans to tour with Morrissey in October in Canada. Gitta told me about a crystal that Rita gave Dave. It seems to have helped them tremendously. Work has picked up. She told me how it "magically" appeared from England after Dave's drunken friend allowed it to be confiscated at the airport whilst delivering it from Dave's parents. It got to their mailbox -- without postage -- in one day. Strange things happen. Anyway, John, the film props guy and this cutie named Duncan, who's a cameraman on BBC's soap, "El Dorado" in Coín, were there. We talked a lot about life in Spain -- and about leaving it. There was also an older guy named Pat who I ended up going to bed with! I don't know how that happened! Should've been Duncan! Oh well. It was "an experience." Then I went straight into work this morning. I was so tired. Only stayed teaching Alberto until 1:00 pm. Then I slept all afternoon. Tonight I'm going to Annelies' yoga class! Should be fun. "An experience." When I read The Nation that Matt sent me, I get mixed emotions. I want to go back to the States and do radical things. The articles give me inspiration! But I also think, "Why go back to that shit?" Difficult. I have been enjoying life lately, although I've been feeling quite a void, too. I need a boyfriend.