5:50 am

Well, we've been keeping late nights, haven't we? Tonight we went to the usual Bolivia and Salsa, but I drank a lot, so it was more fun! Barbara and I went to Duna -- a dance bar near home -- later. We danced a little. I danced a lot. Even after she left, I danced some more by myself. Fun, fun. I did drink a lot. And spent a lot. I wish that Joop (pronounced "Yop", as in Horton Hears a Who) had stayed with us. He's a pretty sexy guy. Another cute Dutch guy. Anyway, he's pretty nice. We ran into Bek -- the Danish guy now working at Expo. All in all, it was fun. But, of course, I didn't meet any new men! I did play tennis with Frank. He's not very good, but it was good to get out and exercise. He's a nice guy. He introduced me to his cute friend, Eric, who's an English teacher at his French school. Potential! I got a fax from Bob today. I miss him so! I tried to call Jane, Jenny, Alyssa, Jill and John tonight. Nobody was home! Nothing else new!

12:05 am

Hello! I've had a nice day. Beautiful weather. Spent the day on the beach. Then Barbara, Gitta, Andre and I went to La Paloma for dinner. Andre got a job in Tenerife. He's leaving on Sunday. I'm glad he doesn't have to go back to Holland, but of course, I wish he could stay on the Costa. Elke, a German girl, and her friend who's visiting, will move in for a week next weekend. That's cool. I went to my first gay bar (in Málaga) Wednesday night. It was okay until the drag show. It lasted an hour -- much too long. I didn't talk to a single person, nor did I dance. I hated that. I should've forced myself to talk to someone. But I didn't. On the way home, (I walked along the beach -- it was a beautiful night) I got "picked up" by this guy driving by. At first I said no. I thought he was saying something about chicken -- pollo. Later I found out that polla means cock! Anyway, we had cheap sex in the car. What the hell. Not what I had expected with the evening! I came out to the group today when I told them I went to a gay bar last night. Not much of a reaction, really. But I feel so good that I told then the truth. Especially Andre. Maybe I'll go again this weekend. Or to Torremolinos. Jane's coming in 2 weeks. Yea! I'm playing tennis with my neighbor, Frank, tomorrow. Got tons of mail yesterday. Barb Browne sent me Girls Scout cookies and the Free Press and Steve and Bettie sent my junk mail. Talked to Rebecca last night. Her brother-in-law, Paul, died last week. I'm keeping in good spirits lately. Positive attitude!

4:50 am

Oh, I just !hate! when I feel like this! I know it's irrational. But I'm so emotional. I get so attached. I live in such a fantasy world. As I was leaving Bolivia tonight I saw Andre making out with a girl. God, I was crushed! Stupid, I know. But that's just the way I am. I suppose it's for the best. I do feel better about him leaving now! Shit! Everything hits me so hard. I tried to call Becky and Bob, but neither was home. I really needed to talk to Bob. To boost my self-esteem, maybe. I need to be in love! Shit! Anyway, on the way back from the phone box, I passed by Deirdre's house and she invited me in. We ended up talking for over an hour. It was very nice. Again, something positive immediately after something negative. Yes, someone is watching over me. Nonetheless, I'm depressed now. I have to tell myself again! You have to do it yourself, Mike! You're on your own! Andre won't be there. Do it! And don't worry so much! Dammit. You're in Spain! You've got friends who love you. You've got money to make it for a while. You're okay!

6:00 pm

Well, I went to Gibraltar to buy a video camera, but didn't find one. They really didn't have what I wanted. Not that I'm sure of what I want. I'm now thinking of just waiting until I go home in May. Yeah, I'm still thinking of that. Shit, I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Joaquin talked to me for an hour about his ideas. Again, very promising. Again, nothing definite. Same old. I need to ask him about a work permit. Then it would make all the sense in the world to go back in May. And it would give me at least a little bit of job security, ¿no? I'd better hang onto my money until I have a better plan. Andre still doesn't have plans, either. He's calling Menorca tomorrow. If he has a job there, he leaves immediately. If not, he'll probably go to Holland on Saturday. Shit. I'm applying for a job I saw advertised. A Spanish company needs video producers. María José helped me with the cover letter. I'll type it tomorrow. Becky left a message at school that her brother-in-law, Paul, died. I'll call her tonight. It's been a warm sunny (but windy) afternoon. What else? No sé. Andre, Gitta and I had dinner last night. With two bottles of wine. I enjoy doing that rather than going out. We just talked and talked -- about nothing much.

2:00 pm

Yea! The sun is shining again (on and off). It's been a long time. It's still pretty cool, though. Had a good time last night, but not great. Andre and I had dinner at Katherine and Claudia's -- two girls from our Salsa class. Met two new guys there, too. One is Dutch and has a personality very similar to Andre's. Very outgoing (and cute -- personality?) The other, Norbert, is much quieter. I hope to talk to him some more. His English isn't that great and his Spanish much worse. But it is nice to meet new people. Actually, I had seen Norbert at Bolivia and downtown before. Then we went to Bolivia -- boring -- and then to Donde -- a little better because we could dance, but I was still pretty bored. Only stayed out until 4:00.

1:30 pm

Another nice change last night. We first met at Barbara and Gitta's new place -- close to here. Yea! Then we went downtown to Casa del Conde and Salsa. Nothing new yet, I know. But we had a drink at a new place, then after we went back to Salsa, there was tear gas or mace released and everyone had to leave. Well, Barbara, Katerina and I decided to go back in afterwards while the others left. They both met men. But it was nice to dance, since it was less crowded. Then we went to Havana at about 4:00. Didn't leave until 7:00. I loved the music. I danced by myself most of the time, because Barbara was outside talking and Katerina met another guy. But I really enjoyed it. It was nice to just dance like crazy. Andre was there with a Spanish girl he met. Everyone had met someone except me! I really need to go to a gay bar soon. Just to meet some guys. To build up my self-esteem! It's not fair that everyone else meets people. I want some action, too. Yesterday was my last day of class. It will be so different next week. Shit. Can't stand to think of it. It really upsets me that only Bob, Alyssa, Marisa and Suzanne have written me. C'mon friends! I've been thinking more about going home in May for a couple weeks. Maybe I could find work easier in June. Of course, I haven't even looked yet. But I really did want to go home sometime before July anyway. Who knows? Paul tells me that the house is sold, so the money should be there soon. Finally sold my car, too. Lost about $1000 as expected. I could use something to just cheer me up. The weather has been horrible lately. Said good-bye to more people yesterday. Depression time! But Andre and I are having dinner with 2 girls from Salsa class. They invited us over. Another new thing.

1:30 am

Well, it's here. The last day of classes. I haven't really studied for the exam. It doesn't really matter to me. Pase lo que pase. I talked with Abdel at Malaca today. He wasn't terribly promising about video potential there. He said the director has to pay Joaquin millions of pesetas from their divorce settlement. Interesting. I talked with a British man, Julian, about teaching English. He gave me a lot of good advice. I'm going to Gibraltar with him on Tuesday to look at video cameras. Gotta keep those options open. We had dinner at the girls' tonight. I can't believe Andre will be gone soon. But I am looking ahead to the future. I played around some more with Alhambra's mixer today. Maybe I can borrow it for my freelance business. I've been thinking that it would be better to live in Fuengirola or Marbella if I pursue video with tourists or expatriates. I enjoyed last night (Wed.) We went to see "Bugsy" (in Spanish) and then had tapas and drinks. A nice change.