1:30 pm

The long journey is nearing its end. We're on the bus to Málaga. Of course, I'm supposed to be at work right now. Oh well. Sure enough, we had to spend the night in Tangier. And we had to find a place that took credit cards since we didn't have any dirhams. But it worked out okay. The ferry back to Spain was nice. Much better weather this time. I didn't realize how close the two continents were. Beautiful scenery. This rolling countryside in Cádiz province is nice, too. On the train yesterday, we met two more Moroccans. One lives in Fes, has studied in London and gave us his address so we can stay with him in Fes. Really friendly people here! The other was friendly, too. He invited us to spend last night at his house in a small town. We said we had to get to Tangier. Just before he left, he asked if we wanted some hashish! I was tempted... Good thing David's here. On my own, I'd probably fall for so many tricks. Naiveté. Oh well. Next time I'd rather go by car. Much more freedom with the time, plus you'd avoid a lot of the hustlers. Maybe I could get Joel to go. His French would certainly help. You know, more than one Moroccan said something about "the more you give, the more you receive" in life. I like that. Alms-giving is one of the 5 tenants of Islam. I guess that's why they're so hospitable. Youssef mentioned that when you die, you don't take anything with you, so why accumulate a lot of things. He prefers to travel. Me too!


3:00 pm

Ay! Just when it seemed we were home-free. We just passed through Marbella when the air-conditioning on the bus went out. Now we're stopped by the side of the road. To fix it? ¿Quién sabe? ¡Qué calor! This is getting to be too much. I guess I'll never get to work today!

2:00 pm

I'm not really in the mood to write, but I don't have much else to do. We're in the train station waiting to go to Tangier. We were supposed to leave at 7:30 this morning, but the alarm didn't go off! Shit. What a waste. And now we don't know if we can make the last ferry to Algecieras. It would be a drag staying in Tangier again. With the hustlers. I hate wasting time. And I might have to miss work tomorrow. Too bad!

7:10 pm

Woof! What a couple of days! I can't believe I have friends in Fes! We found out that, yes, Abdul is a hustler. But a benevolent hustler. He's lied to us -- quite a bit actually -- but the end result is that everyone's happy. That's the rhythm of life in Morocco! He took us to his home on the edge of the medina. It was incredible, the squalor we passed through. Kids playing in the narrow, garbage-filled alleys, saying, "Bonjour" when they saw us. We had traditional Moroccan tajine and mint tea. It was fantastic! Then he mentioned he was going to take a walk through the medina. Oh, we would like to come with him? Sure, why not? He's so slick! We wandered through the incredible maze of the medina, stopping occasionally to look at a leather tannery, carpet maker, etc. It was so delicious just soaking up all the sights, smells and sounds. Then we ended up at a carpet store that Abdul "had never been to before." In fact, he told us several times. When the big sales pitch came -- after some mint tea -- we knew we had been scammed. In fact, David found it perfectly spelled out in his guide book. "A man will meet you several stops before your destination, invite you to tea in his home, take you to the medina, and then to the shop "of a friend." Pretty much says it all. Anyway, David got into the bargaining -- arguing that he didn't want to buy until his (fictitious) girlfriend could come back to see the carpets. Total scamming on all sides! But the end result was that David got a good deal on a carpet, the owners made a profit, and Abdul got a commission to be sure. I got a fascinating experience! I was rather put off at first when I found out it was a scam and they started applying pressure, while saying, "You don't have to buy. We're friends!" and other assorted bullshit. But then I got to enjoying it for the game that it was. Really. That's all it is! And (usually) everyone wins! This morning David and I wandered the "new Fes" area of the medina and had to fend off some pretty persistent "guides." They were very annoying. But again, part of the game. We managed to find our way around pretty well on our own. But then Abdul met us again at 2:30 pm and we went back to Fes-al-Bali -- old Fes, dating from the 9th century. We stopped for mint tea at a tiny cafe full of old Moroccan men playing cards -- while Abdul excused himself "to go to the toilet." He kept disappearing on us all the time. No doubt making other arrangements for us to go somewhere "he's never been." We went to buy some tea services at a really nice place. The shopkeeper was very friendly. David was trying to speak Spanish with him most of the time. I managed to get a brass tea service (for Matt and Eli) and an extra teapot (for me!) from about $200 to $60. Not bad. Then we went to buy camel hair blankets. $30 -- good deal. The salesman there, Youssif, said he has a friend in Málaga (the director of the school where Carmen from yoga class teaches!) and he'll come visit me. He also said I could stay with him next time I come to Fes! Jenny and I have to come back! So it's been quite an exhausting and exciting 2 days in Fes. I hope to keep in touch with Abdul even though he's a scammer. But it is a win-win-win situation! The Moroccan people really are a hospitable people. If you can look past the hustling. It really seems to be part of the culture. You have to accept it a you would accept any cultural differences. Oh, we even had three young guys apparently try to "hustle" us in the sexual sense. They had their arms around us, commented on our bodies, etc. Pretty wild stuff here!!


9:00 pm

So we said good-bye to Abdul. He came over to have dinner with us and even paid for it. What a nice guy. What a contradictory country this is. You lie to people, then take them to dinner. Wait a minute. Isn't that similar to what happens in U.S. business? There's an eye-opener! Maybe it's just on a different scale with different stakes. We even ran into him again after dinner while looking for a Visa money machine. He offered to give us dirhams in exchange for pesetas. What a good guy! I hope he got a good commission off us! That brings up the question of whether or not he knows that we know. When/if I come back, couldn't we just be open about him getting a commission? Or do things need to remain covert. Hush, hush. Some things we just don't talk about!

11:30 am

Pretty exciting stuff! We're traveling from Tangier to Fes. On the "first leg" we met a young man who spoke English and was very friendly. He told us, among other things, that Fes is very dangerous right now, and we should get off the train with him and wait for the connection to Fes. Well, we almost did, but David asked an employee and we figured out we were supposed to change trains later. He was talking about going to a "market" 5 km from the station. Hooboy. We could've really had some trouble. But he was so nice... Anyway, then we met some people where we sat next. The man, Mohammed, spoke some French and that's how we communicated! There were also two girls, Hend and Rafa, who were very nice. They were all going to "Casa" -- Casablanca. We listened to Arabic music on a pink portable tape player. And we managed to talk about a few things. Found out we were all single. Mohammed suggested that I marry Rafa! They said they'd tell us when we had to change trains, so that relieved us. We had a visit from 2 little girls who Mohammed apparently knew. It was really fun!! A great cross-cultural experience, albeit frustrating with the language. We took photos and said we'd send them to them. Then we met Abdul, a teacher who speaks English. He lives in Fes and invited us to his house. I think we'll check into a hotel first, and then we could do it without fear. I'm enjoying learning.

3:00 pm

Geez!! So, 24 hours later, I'm on a ferry to Tangier. But I shouldn't have gone out so late last night! I had planned to go for a drink at Bolivia and be in bed by 1:00 am to get some sleep before waking at 5:30 am. But Joel stopped by and told me about the party at Carambuco that I had promised to help with. Actually, I thought it was tonight. But anyway, I allowed myself to get dragged out -- until 4:00 am. And, of course, since the sangria was free, I drank a lot. Now I feel like I did on the Press Boat in Lake Huron after Boat Night in 1987. I didn't even have fun last night. None of my friends came with me. So I was bored there -- and trapped since it's so far away. I finally paid $10.00 to catch a cab at 4:00. Uf. Bad evening. I've had only 7 hours of sleep the past two nights. And Morocco is next! I had meant to call Jenny and Donna last night, but totally forgot.

11:17 pm

It's been a pretty exhausting day. And I'm sure that tomorrow will be, too. First, it was pouring down rain when we arrived in Tangiers. Of course, we were greeted by the standard hustler "guides." David tried the "be friendly but firm" approach when one leeched on to us. I pretty much tried to ignore him. But he wouldn't leave us despite our protestations and promises of no money. After walking a while in the rain, we made it very clear that he had to leave us and he got rather belligerent -- almost violent. In fact, he said, "I'll kill you" at one point. And he had some "friends" rush to his support later on. It was a bit unnerving but we finally got rid of him after he spent 5 minutes calling us names and jabbing us with his finger, demanding to be paid for "showing us the way." David was pretty shaken. I thought it was a great experience! We certainly learned a lot. We never should have let him follow us in the first place. But we found a hotel, dried out for a bit, then went out for dinner and walked around the market area. The sights and sounds, although soggy, were fascinating! We were latched onto a couple more times, but pretty much ignoring them seemed to do the trick. Tomorrow should be fantastic!

3:00 pm

I WIN AGAIN! I WIN AGAIN! I WIN AGAIN! Man, things are looking good. Just got to work out the details. BHSD wants me to come back to work for 6 weeks at $100/day. That puts me there through Christmas. I hope that sounds okay to TVP. I could come back here in January. I just hope they don't decide they don't need me in the meantime. If so, I'll have to find another job. I can do it! And the extra $3000 will come in handy. Okay, it'll be less with taxes, but it'll pay for my plane, Christmas gifts and living expenses for the two months there. Perfect! So then, I'll probably still work until I leave Nov. 5th. That means Jenny and I may not be able to travel. And I wouldn't be here if Matt and Elizabeth come. But then again -- I might go to Morocco tomorrow! I don't have to work again until Wednesday. Herbert's been giving me everything I've asked for lately. Okay, time off, but not more money. I'll ask David if he wants to go. It'd be cool! I wasn't sure I could do it because of the money, but now it shouldn't be a problem.

And I had a great time at Expo yesterday. A long day -- from 6 am to 4 am. And I couldn't go to many pavilions I wanted to because there were incredible lines. But I went to some smaller ones and enjoyed them. Latin America, South Pacific Islands, Holland, Poland, Cuba. I traveled around the world. And heard music from Jordan, Venezuela, Germany. great stuff. I even figured out the transportation situation. Bike, train, metro, bus. I love the freedom of traveling!

7:40 am

On the road to Sevilla. I was reading an article about the experiences of a woman who had cancer. I was thinking about how agonizing it would be to go through that. The pain, the fatalism, the philosophizing. It shocked me when I realized I was half-way through the story before thinking about my father -- or my mother. Why is that? I have lived with cancer. Maybe I never allowed myself to think how horrible it must have been for each of them. The agony. The despair. The helplessness. The loss of "dignity." The loss of self-reliance.

3:15 pm

So I've been bummed because I haven't had any mail lately. But I got a visitor instead! David's a friend of Jane and Jon's. Annelies told me of a guy who came to her door yesterday asking about me. Said he was a friend of Jane's visiting here. How fun! It was one of those cool spontaneous things. David and I rode bikes to Annelies's yoga class, but got lost, so we went for a beer instead. Then we met up with people from the class afterwards. Went to a small, funky restaurant for a bite to eat, then to Plaza de la Merced for another drink. I really like the Spanish couple from class. Very nice. Tomorrow, I'm going to the Expo! Things are slow at work, so it's a perfect time. Frank has Thursdays off, so maybe he'll go with me -- and drive. I'd rather spend the day alone going through the pavilions I want to at my own pace. But we'll see. I'd like to stay late, too. I may go to Morocco with David. Yeah, I know I'm not supposed to spend money! But I need to travel. I can't wait for Jenny.

12:30 pm

Man! What do I want to do? Why do I think about it so much? I wonder if they would let me go to the States for 2 months and then come back to Tecny Video -- with Jenny -- in January. That's if I could work in Bloomfield Hills. So many undecideds. What if I come back and they screw me?

4:00 pm

I actually kinda had fun at work today. And Herbert told me of plans to acquire studio space. Plus, this new guapo named Carlos is going to work with us. All sorts of possibilities. I just don't feel like working! Sigo luchando.


10:20 pm

I was just thinking about Saturday night. Four guiries -- an American, French, Dutch and German -- out on the town, speaking Spanish. How cool. My neighbor, María, told me she's seen the new guy who's moved in next to me sneaking around people's apartments. Makes me nervous. I guess I should close my windows and terrace doors when I leave. I never have before. It would be a drag to be ripped off.

11:20 am

I love lazy weekends. Yesterday, I spent some time on the beach, then visited Frank on his terrace -- right on the beach. How nice. I'd love it! Then we went to a Goddard movie -- in French with Spanish subtitles. Yeah right. Impossible. Then we went out with Elisabeth and Corrine. It was really good for me because I had to speak Spanish all day and night. And we went to the center before ending up dancing at Donde. A little variety. I've been worrying about money more. Shit. I don't make enough! Sure, it's enough to live, but not to afford a flight to the States, or contacts, or Christmas presents. Nothing extra. I don't know how long I could live like that. No clothes, no music, no travel.


7:45 pm

Okay. So am I thinking of leaving Málaga because I can't afford Christmas presents? If so, something's wrong here. Money, money, money. I hate it! I had a great day -- reading mostly. The New York Times Magazine, Mother Jones, Harper's. Great stuff. Inspirational. But those things do make me feel like "going back."


9:20 pm

It's incredible what's going on in Iraq with this "no-fly zone." It's meant to "protect the Shiite population from attack." Who's protecting the people of Afghanistan, of Burma, of Somalia? Minorities are being attacked all over the world. governments are wreaking havoc on their own citizens. But we only look to Iraq. (I've been reading the New York Times!)

10:30 pm

It's my usual Friday night getting stoned! I really enjoy it. And now, my plans for the future are wavering once again. Herbert's been telling me of all the work he has lined up. I think he wants me to stay. I've been thinking about it. And then Jenny called today! She's definitely coming in October, probably for three weeks. She really wants to move here, too. That would be so fun if she came! So maybe I can hold on at work. Until "reinforcements" come to rescue me! We would have a blast! Oh shit! I hate when things change so drastically, so suddenly! But it's always subject to change. I worked 9 1/2 hours straight today, because a project needed to be done today (then got pushed back to Monday anyway!) But I didn't mind it because I was feeling "challenged." And with the proposed projects in the future, I'll probably be challenged a lot more. And, you know, I'm feeling a little better with the language. I've been teaching Alberto how to edit and so have been speaking a lot. And last night at Bolivia, I talked a lot with Rosario from Argentina. She's really nice!

I'm watching a Spanish Johnny Carson show. The guest is a Spanish singer in full, huge lacy Sevillanas dress with fan.

1:04 am

Why am I always disappointed with myself? I never seen to live up to my expectations. I think that I should always push myself more. Do more things. Go out to the bar and meet people. It's as if quitting my job and moving to Spain wasn't "good enough." There's so much more to do yet. But I can't push myself that far that quickly. It really takes me a long time to build up my confidence in new situations. I'm always terrified when I start a new job. Can I do it? Again. It's not "good enough" that I got the job. Creo que es el tiempo escribir en español. ¿Por qué no? Yo puedo hacerlo. Y en esa manera, lo practicaré. No me ayuda cuando estoy escribiendo en inglés. Tracey Chapman todavía está en mis oídos. Me alegre que haya decidido escribir en español. ¡Aun sujunctivo! De was so funny last night with her Spanish -- her horrible accent! Whoops! Slipped! De estaba tan divertida anoche con su español -- ¡su accento terrible!

1:25 am

I alternately fantasize about living back in the U.S. with a really good job, perhaps still in Detroit, and frolicking on the Malagueñan beaches with Jenny! Both would be okay! I need a computer. I really want to write. It would be so much easier with a computer! I should think about saving money to buy one. It would give me a goal. A reason to "sacrifice" by not spending money. I wonder if I really could write. I should practice by describing the people I know here -- complete with one or two stories about them. Study their life-journey. People are so fascinating! So many unique stories.

So "writing" seems to be my pet project prospect this evening. Last week it was the Spaulding Gray movie or the "travel video." I'd have to learn to type! But I was just thinking of an "experience" to write about. I made it up. I can do that, too! It doesn't all have to be "true-life stories." Anyway, the storyline was my friends Joel, Helen and others coming over tonight and "forcing me" to go out. I complain that I can't -- I'd need to put in my contacts, shave, get dressed. So they physically dress me, shave me, etc. They really "force" me to go out.

2:00

I was just getting into "Romeo and Juliet" by Dire Straits. "Juliet, when we made love you used to cry," brings tears to my eyes. Why is that? I think about that intense love relationship that I've never experienced.

I was just thinking about Jenny coming. Yay! I wonder if we should rent a car for a week. Then we could go to Portugal and Morocco. I don't even know if she wants to travel a lot. She may just want to sit still and get to know the Spanish culture. That'd be fun, too! I was also thinking how I never really talked to Rosario before last night. I always had a negative impression of her. Why? Because of the crease in her forehead? Stupid!

6:30 pm

Uf. I went to Torreblanca yesterday to see Dave and Gitta. I had a nice time. Gitta and I had a chance to talk quite a bit. Dave's in Germany with Frank Zappa and plans to tour with Morrissey in October in Canada. Gitta told me about a crystal that Rita gave Dave. It seems to have helped them tremendously. Work has picked up. She told me how it "magically" appeared from England after Dave's drunken friend allowed it to be confiscated at the airport whilst delivering it from Dave's parents. It got to their mailbox -- without postage -- in one day. Strange things happen. Anyway, John, the film props guy and this cutie named Duncan, who's a cameraman on BBC's soap, "El Dorado" in Coín, were there. We talked a lot about life in Spain -- and about leaving it. There was also an older guy named Pat who I ended up going to bed with! I don't know how that happened! Should've been Duncan! Oh well. It was "an experience." Then I went straight into work this morning. I was so tired. Only stayed teaching Alberto until 1:00 pm. Then I slept all afternoon. Tonight I'm going to Annelies' yoga class! Should be fun. "An experience." When I read The Nation that Matt sent me, I get mixed emotions. I want to go back to the States and do radical things. The articles give me inspiration! But I also think, "Why go back to that shit?" Difficult. I have been enjoying life lately, although I've been feeling quite a void, too. I need a boyfriend.

11:30 pm

I had a nice talk with Herbert today at work. After a joint and a couple of beers. We talked about life and relationships. He's a good guy. I, of course, didn't talk about my relationships, but the way he carefully phrased things makes me think he thinks I'm gay. I did talk a lot about "why I'm here" and the changes in my life the past two years. He said I have a good life. I'm free. I agree. Annelies, Corrine and Elisabeth came over for a time tonight. I had made some chicken curry tapas. Fun! Now I think I'll go to Donde/Bolivia for a drinkie. Although I don't really feel like it. I need to push myself to go out sometimes.

2:00 pm

So I finally quit! I've agreed to stay until the end of the month. It'll be an extra $300 plus maybe $200 with the weddings. Perfect. I'm going to teach Alberto how to edit, so he can take over. Herbert is really cool. He understands. He says he's "walked many kilometers" and still doesn't know where he's going. So I have to trust him to pay me what I'm owed at the end of the month. In the meantime, maybe I should do this "movie" I want to make. I was so fucking nervous trying to tell Herbert I want to quit. Why? No big deal. I'm happy that I'm being honest and fair -- even if they haven't been with me. You know, I had talked to Matt about it and he helped clarify things. I simply must let them know what I require to work here. If I don't get it, I can't stay. Simple. Herbert told me it would be a year before I would earn what I deserve to earn.

3:30 am

I'm listening to the soundtrack from "Local Hero" and thinking that I'd never want to live away from the water. Going down to the beach at sunset. It's fantastic. The sound of the waves. Incredible. No wonder ancient civilizations always grew along the water. What power. These oceans are so vast!!

Oh, I'm having a fun night. Doing so many things. Writing these letters to Matt and to Bob, analyzing music, analyzing myself and my feelings towards "Bob." Not just Bob the person, but "Bob." All that it represents. The implications for the future. Losses. Gains. Life gets serious sometimes! But why? Shouldn't we just let it unfold before us like the Yellow Brick road? I'm really enjoying writing right now. I think I'm going to stay up all night. I always think I should go to the beach at dawn. Maybe today!

I swear I have never heard this music before. All the times I've listened to Local Hero without realizing how complex it is. Beautiful sounds in my ears. Music and Nature.


6:00 am

I can't believe I've stayed up all night. Writing, thinking, listening. It's great. I think my body's tired, but my mind's not. I wrote some very philosophical stuff to Bob. The pase lo que pase kinda stuff. Annelies told me yesterday I shouldn't let him go. She said he's the nicest person she's ever met. What a nice thing to say!


3:30 pm

What excites me? Travel. Bob. Getting high with my friends. An evening at home alone. So what do I want to do? Staying in Málaga will improve my Spanish -- which will make it easier to stay here. I need to get over the fear of speaking Spanish! But I also think there are so many other adventures waiting for me out there. I could live in California. For a while anyway.

3:10 am

I guess I shouldn't have forced myself to go out. I didn't have such a great time. Annelies and I walked to El Palo, met some friends of hers -- she knows so many people -- had some tapas and drinks. It was nice. She's a good friend. She said I "can't leave her." She also said that Bob was the nicest person she's met and thinks I need to pursue him. Maybe. He obviously needs more time. He hasn't written me! But then I made myself go out again at 1:00 am, although I was very tired. It was okay. I saw a lot of people I knew. But I was pretty bored, really. And tired. I didn't take a siesta today.

2:50 am

I wish I could write about tonight, but I'm too tired. Tomas being so sweet. "Coming out" to Helen and Joel. The incredible, but incredible meeting at work this evening. It was like a movie! But I'll have to catch up tomorrow.


2:50 pm

SHIT! What an incredibly intense 24 hours!! In no particular order.... I got paid!! Yes! $1000 -- actually 100,000 pesetas. So now I need to make a big decision. I still think I'm going to quit. I really don't want to continue. But the extra money would be nice. I still think I should continue past September 15th on a daily-paid basis. Earn a little more money, but make a commitment to leave. But I'll think some more on it this weekend. So anyway, last night at 9:00 I thought I'd never get the money. I was in a meeting with Bernardo, Andrés and Herbert thinking about what else I could steal and how I could cover my tracks. I'd have to get my working papers back. I was wondering how long it would be before they noticed the camera and two weddings missing. Herbert had just threatened to walk -- he actually got up and started collecting his things, saying, "You have my number." I thought, "Oh, shit, I'll never see that money!" But Andrés calmed him down. Bernardo had accused him (I think - all of this was in very rapid Spanish!) of over-estimating costs and keeping the extra money. He also said that Herbert hadn't done anything in 2 1/2 months. Herbert said Bernardo kept missing meetings, hadn't paid us or the phone bill. It was pretty ugly at times. I basically sat and watched. Like Europeans watching the Dream Team -- now knowing exactly what was going on , but MAN it was exciting!! I swear I was just giggling. What was I doing there anyway? Of all the spaces on earth, I was in that one. Life is fun! So it dragged on. Tempers were doused and we agreed on a plan for the future. "But wait," I finally got a chance to say. What about the present -- my money! They said they'd pay me today. And they actually did! Although I still had doubts until the very end!

After the meeting, I went to a party at cute, tall, blond, German Tomas' house with Joel and Helen. I had a great time. Tomas leaves today. Shame. Nice guy. Joel was being himself. He bought two huge steaks for us to grill -- and had to let me know what a great price he got from his butcher friend. He and Helen were really hitting it off. Actually, Tomas and I were, too. But he's leaving! Anyway! Helen and I (and sometimes Joel) were talking about discrimination -- racism and anti-gay/lesbian laws. I mentioned my involvement in gay/lesbian issues. Coming out slowly! So it was a really nice party. Then we went to Donde/Bolivia for a bit. Earlier, we had gone to Joel's place. It's his parents really. What a liar! Anyway, we swam in the pool on the hillside overlooking El Palo and the sea. Very nice. Joel, of course, was on his mobile phone the whole time speaking English, Dutch, Spanish and French. He really needs to try to impress people. Met his sister and her boyfriend and his parents. I didn't really care for Carrie. A lot like Joel. But her boyfriend, David, was fun. Although he made some comment about blacks taking over the Caribbean islands. WHICH they sail to with the charter company they work for. (Joel had told me his sister had a large yacht. It's not even hers!!) You know, Joel also mentioned -- he said it's a secret his father was privy to. Duh. -- that South Africa is going to have "one man, one vote real soon." Wow. Thanks. I'm impressed with that secret tidbit of current affairs. But he was bothered by it because "there will be problems with the end of white rule." Like there are no problems now! His parents seemed real cool. His mum has a pretty posh accent (as opposed to Carrie's pouty posh accent) And his dad's great. And while I was enjoying "the good life," I thanked God I didn't have their attitudes. But I was jealous of all the travel stories. Helen has been everywhere! How fascinating. So that was my past 24 hours. Too much!!

1:00 pm

So I'm on strike again. But this time, Herbert is too! He's pissed, too! There's a wedding on Saturday, so we have some leverage. And I have 2 finished weddings and a camera at home. Something has to happen. It's better than waiting until Tuesday. They haven't even paid the phone bill. It's been cut off. Stupid!

4:30 pm

Very suspicious again. Herbert's losing faith. He was complaining that he doesn't have any money, either. I now have the feeling I might be able to get another $300 or so from the weddings, but the money won't be there next Tuesday. Should I hang onto this camera for insurance? Yes! That, of course, would also mean that I can't travel. Hell, I don't know if i could stay through October. I got a letter from Matt today. Yea! He said I should be expecting a package soon. Yea! He told me that Kim Parfitt has been having a very difficult pregnancy. I need to write her, but don't have her address. I need to call Karen.


9:30 pm

Ran into Joel this afternoon. So we ended up going out for a drink. Then we went to get haircuts, but the place was full. Then we went over to Helen's, and Tomas was there, too. He invited us to his going away party tomorrow night. Cool. I decided not to go out to dinner with Joel and Helen tonight. I don't have the money, nor did I want to feel like odd man out. Joel's trying to get me to stay in Málaga. He said he'd take me to Canal Sur to introduce me around. And he said I should do independent productions. What is his story? Anyway, Helen's pretty interesting, too. She's been just about everywhere. But, you know, she seems a little "empty." too. Maybe she and Joel would be good together! But I haven't given up on him yet. Just going slowly as usual. Tomorrow we're going out on his boat! Yes! I'm enjoying this. The good life. So many cool experiences. I hope Jenny still comes to visit in October. She'd have a blast! Me, too!

12:40 am

Well, of course the video thing doesn't seem so important now that I'm not stoned. Interesting, ¿no? I did mention it to Annelies. But didn't really pursue it much. I spent 3 hours visiting with her and Elisabeth and Fernando. That was nice. Annelies is putting together signs for teaching yoga. I got paid $200 today. They still owe me $300. And $700 next Tuesday. Same old.


11:00 am

Great day. Overcast, a bit cool. And the streets are deserted because estamos en fiesta. It's the Día de la Patrona de Málaga -- la Virgen de la Victoria. Kinda an eerie feeling being downtown on a day like this. Refreshing, really. "This Charming Man" by The Smiths has been making a comeback on the radio. I like it. I don't know. I'm just enjoying floating through life right now.


8:00 pm

I love the beach at this time of day. It's so cool, the waves are all you hear, along with the church bells ringing out the hour. It's just so peaceful. No crowds. A good time to reflect. Annelies and I have been talking about relationships -- both gay and straight. She says Javier is interested in me, but I'm not in him. Annelies is really fascinating, albeit a bit long-winded. She's so open, so out-going -- like almost all the Dutch people I've met. I love the long shadows on the sand. I need to stay by water. Maybe I'll move to Guam. Or Boston. I'm not sure where that came from. I'm so happy when I don't spend any money. Because it means that I'll have more money to travel. That's where all the resources need to go now. All the "potential" income. Sevilla. Córdoba. Granada, the Algarve. Still ahead on the agenda in October. I wonder where I'll be on my 30th birthday.

3:30 pm

So I did the wedding last night. Pretty boring. But should be an extra $80. I'm still very frustrated with the language. But I talked with José about politics, work, etc. We had a little excitement finding the photo shop flooded upon our arrival there. Nice diversion. Anyway, the wedding was okay. I do enjoy the food. I've had some great fish -- swordfish, prawns, cream of lobster soup -- pork cutlets, veal, cream of almond soup, all sorts of fun things. But it's still work. I was talking to Eva, the Swedish secretary at Miramar, and De today. Complaining about Spain. Eva had her hours cut from 8 to 4 hours a day. Not enough to live on, of course, but what can you do? Everyone seems to have money problems here. I've decided that I'll offer to stay on at work if they pay me $5/hour daily. If not, I'll leave the 15th. And if I'm not paid by the 15th, I'll strike again. So really, only 7 more days, because they probably won't accept my offer. It would be nice to earn a little extra money until October. Then I'd have money to travel. Maybe it will work out yet!

10:50 pm

¡Hola! What a funny sound. I'd like to write about it, but I have to hang the laundry. Oh shit, it can wait. I was in my apartment -- stoned -- when Annelies called up to ask if I wanted to get my laundry. (I use her washing machine.) So I went and visited with her and Corrine. Annelies is so funny! We were talking about jobs -- like always, it seems -- and Annelies said she doesn't have to worry about that now since the government pays her. So she just meditates. Then she launched into a story of a "yoga retreat" on a hill, 7 kilometers from any villages, where she spent a week. She felt locked in with a bunch of loonies -- but she couldn't leave for a week. What a great experience. Anyway, "hola" came from the greeting as I passed by Danny and Matilde on my way back home.

Cooking popcorn in extra virgin olive oil. Strange mixture of Spanish and American gastronomic cultures. Oh yeah. Annelies was talking about De's family pictures from Ireland. How they looked like the Bronte family -- and there was De in the middle. Dressed to the nines in fashionable turn-of-the-century Irish outerwear -- with perfectly tilted hats. And here, De parades around half-naked and "beasting" (as Corrine says.) But she still wears a rakish straw hat!

So much salt in this popcorn. And dry. I was thinking that De's tilted hat is a hint of the conservative background from which she comes. A throwback to the old ways. I wrote back to Ann and Ann. They're so great. I said I was thinking about gay/lesbian educational issues as a field to get into. Ann H. is such a traveler. She says her feet belong to gypsies. Yes! It sure is interesting to see who writes/calls and who doesn't. Very interesting. Revealing. My back hurts.

Orange juice and popcorn. Love it! The juice here sure is good. It's interesting to compare Spain to the U.S. The U.S. is more health-conscious. Here everyone smokes, they tend to use a lot of salt, drinking's a way of life. Although I do see a lot of joggers along the beach. And they certainly walk a lot more here. It's also interesting to see they have a Youth Sexual Orientation Center in Málaga, with the phone number listed along with police, Red Cross, etc. on page two of the local paper. They also just liberalized abortion laws now, when the U.S. is about to de-liberalize them. José says it's amazing how far Spain's progressed in just 16 years of democracy. Yes, it is. Considering the U.S. has had 216! Shouldn't we know better by now? They've separated church and state, relaxed morality laws, extended rights to former outcasts. Supposedly, Gorbachev had Spain in mind when he thought of how best to democratize his country. The government is still definitely ahead of the people, however. Old traditions die hard. Still a lot of machismo. Still a sense of country bumpkin. It may take another generation. A poll said 85% of Spanish youth do not disapprove of homosexuality. That's certainly hopeful!

I just had the song "Cherish" by the Association going through my head. I loved that song! And "Hooked on a Feeling." I also liked "I Woke Up in Love This Morning." Wasn't David Cassidy just dreamy? (Is Shirley Jones dead? I can't remember! I know Carolyn Jones is dead. But Shirley? No, I think her husband, Marty Adler died.)

I've really upset myself. During last year's travels I thought it would be great to videotape people's "stories." A variety of travelers. Well, dammit, they're all here an Málaga. I've got the equipment. I could make a documentary. Annelies is full of stories. And De. Dave and Gitta. Joel. Julian. Mitchell. It could work. Another potential multi-million dollar project. Maybe I need to go back to the states for a little boost in confidence, first. I need Jenny here to push me. Or anyone. Myself? I've really been brain-storming this idea. Let's see if it goes anywhere. I feel I'm on the brink...of something.

1:00 am

I'm really angry with myself. Why didn't I think of this earlier -- when I had the equipment and time? Now I've got a week or so. I'll have to come back. Or do it somewhere else. Travels. I want to concentrate on that. International people, too. Young, "Let's Go"-types. God, life can be exciting. I have to get Annelies to help me.

2:40 am

Nice night. Went to Donde for a couple of hours. Saw Kasia and Gertrud, plus Manolo, Kiko and Kinny -- that cute, young stud from Madrid. And I met another cute German, although I was bummed that Tomas wasn't there. Kasia was talking about Oktoberfest. I'd love to go. But the money.... We'll see! I like these evenings when I "do it all." Except bring someone home with me!

12:00 mid

I am in bed. No late night tonight. Actually, I was just down visiting Annelies. We drank some wine, Matilde came by, they danced. Matilde told me I should look for work at a U.S. Army base near Cádiz. Elisabeth came by. I talked to Annelies' sister, Helene, on the phone, Annelies and I danced salsa, read a little of her Taoist book. I'd like to read more about Taoism. And Buddhism. I feel good about my life. María José came over for a English lesson. She'll ask around for potential students for me. I feel my spirit is being killed at work. I really hate it. I feel so worthless. Just 2 more weeks to hang on. If no money comes tomorrow, I'll have to withdraw from my credit card. I slept 3 hours this afternoon. I was so tired! I am pretty lucky. Good friends. Good life. Don't think so much...


10:20 am

You know, I've been reading this book, "Out of the Classroom Closet." Hmmm. Maybe I should go into educational consulting on gay/lesbian issues. There I go thinking again! So many caminos to choose from. I need to get away from video for awhile. I forgot to mention that in Puerto Banus the other night, I saw a guy with a Michigan State shirt, so I went over to say hi. He was from Italy. Didn't speak English. Had bought the shirt -- in Italy -- because he liked it. So much for meeting fellow Spartans here!

6:00 pm

I don't know if I've ever been so angry. But I'm tranquilo now. I didn't get paid again. I was supposed to get money -- $200 -- from a wedding I finished editing Monday. So I had to withdraw $200 from my VISA account. And Herbert was going to have Paco tape the wedding tomorrow, but couldn't reach him, so I have to do it. I told him it should have been arranged before today, but he had excuses about the phone not working.... such bullshit. Just hanging on until Sept. 15th. He said they discussed a contract for me last night. Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I'll play along for another 2 weeks. Assholes! I got another letter from Neil. Quick! Only took 6 days from San Francisco. He's so upbeat about life. Me too!


10:50 pm

Stoned again on a Friday night. I've been writing letters to Neil, Suzanne and Matt. Really enjoying it, too! But I do need (okay, I was going to write "...to go out tonight in an hour," and I thought what time is it? But it's only 11:00, not 12:00.) I still need to eat something and take a shower, though.

2:45 am

Went to Puerto Banus tonight with Joel, Kasia and Helen (from Sweden - British Airways). It was nice. I had always wanted to go there. Very posh. Lambourghinis, Rollses, Porsches -- and the yachts! I wouldn't mind going there more often. Maybe I could "meet someone." Joel knows so many people. Yeah, he's got money. He said his uncle is the tennis coach for Yannick Noah. He mentioned that his sister has a huge yacht. He owns three cars, etc., etc. I really do hate the way he flaunts it. But he's good to hang around with. We spent the afternoon together, too. Went for a drink at the boat club. He made a point of talking (in French) real loud when he got a phone call. On the way to Puerto Banus, he called a friend. Had to play his car stereo LOUD! We looked at a BMW M3 and he argued with the salesman over the 4 million peseta ($40,000) price. But he's still pretty cute. And has lots of connections! So I'll stick around him. I think he got really pissed off at Kasia because she wanted to go home at 1:30. He had wanted to go to Oh Marbella. We went to a rather inexpensive Italian restaurant and then to a bar. I spent $38, but that included the girls' dinners. He's leaving tomorrow for a week again. Oh well. They didn't have the meeting at work on Tuesday. Mañana. But I stayed and edited a wedding anyway -- so we can collect the money from it. I'm thinking maybe I can hang on until Oct. 15th to earn more money. But, no. It's not worth it. They plan to move the office to Antequerra -- 150 km away -- in January. I've played along like I'll stay. But I won't. Must sleep now.

3:25 am

Fun Night! I went to the welcoming party at Club Hispanico. Talked quite a bit with María José. Then Joel showed up. We talked for a long time with Julian. They are both very interesting. And both have some pesetas stashed away. They were talking about importing cars, buying bars, going to Japan -- you name it. Good company I'm keeping! Then we went to Bolivia (on Joel's motorcycle) where we saw Kasia, Tomas and others. Met a Swedish girl, Helen, who looks like Meryl Streep, and works for British Airways. So Joel suggested that we all go to Marbella tomorrow. What the fuck. So I'll be poor! We went to Donde and danced a lot! Tomas is so cute. Must pursue! He's only here another 1 1/2 weeks! A good night.

12:15 am

I probably shouldn't have smoked. I have to get myself up and out to the bar. I do love reading my journal. I could cultivate some good stories from it and publish them. Not the whole thing -- some things are so embarrassing!


1:40 am

"On no, I drank too much..." I haven't drunk enough..." to the tune of "Losing My Religion." Actually, I didn't drink a lot, but that song was on my mind. I have to listen to it NOW!

Okay, so I'm listening to "Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead" first. I love jamming to music in my headphones. So. I saw Joel. We talked for an hour. Still can't figure him out. (I know. This sounds just like what I've written for 15 years!) Annelies thinks he's bi-sexual. And he did want to see me tomorrow. He offered to take Kasia and me to his tennis club to play. Then he asked if I wanted to go to Club Hispanico with him for their welcoming party. But he also mentioned that we should find a couple of dates and go to Marbella sometime. Floating along...

12:45 pm

Had breakfast with Annelies this morning. I think I could like not working! She told me how torn she is about her boyfriend, Manolo. I told her it's very natural. God knows I've gone through a lot of gut-wrenching emotions with guys in the past. It's nice to have someone to share emotions with.