(Wednesday) 10:00 am 24 June 1992

Wow. Been home a week already. So much going on! Stayed with Matt and Elizabeth the first few nights. We had a really nice time. Spent Friday night getting stoned at Jenny's. Had a "literary brunch" at Jane's on Sunday. Went to a surprise graduation party for Barb Gough and saw Bob and Alec and Paul and Bonnie on Saturday, although I missed the Wasung reunion. Saw Becky Sunday night. Went to Mr. Joe's and Taco Bell with the Bloomfield gang. Busy, busy! But I'm having fun. Staying at Karen and Rick's now. Gosh, I love their house in the 'burbs. Some day. But not now. Talked to Bob briefly. He sent me a wonderful card. He's still pursuing plans to go to Spain for 3 - 4 months. Jenny hopes to come in the fall. Beth Chasco will visit in September. Fun! Haven't seen Dingo yet! Bob and Alec are pregnant again. Donna still is. So much for a quickie update.

(Wednesday) 3:00 pm 17 June 1992

Oh, the dreaded lay-over in Montreal. It was snowing when I was here 4 1/2 months ago. Almost made it! Only 2 hours left! Elizabeth is picking me up at the airport. I've been talking to a woman from Ann Arbor sitting next to me. Talking politics, EC, Supreme Court. It's so nice meeting cool people. So much to look forward to these next weeks! I enjoyed wandering around London yesterday. Bought some books and CDs. Had dinner in Chinatown. I love London. Shame about the weather. Actually, it was nice yesterday. Better than Málaga's been. I'll be in the humidity of Detroit soon!

3:00 pm

Back in my beloved England. I do enjoy this place. It's so comforting for some reason. I love this train ride from Gatwick to London. The British countryside. The weather always a bit dreary. I talked to Keith this morning, but they were off to Cornwall, so I'll have to find a place to stay tonight. I remember a nice youth hostel right near Victoria Station. I'll try it. I can't wipe the smile off my face.

11:30 pm

Spending my last night in my home of the past four months. Feeling a bit melancholy. A lot of good times were had here. It seems so long ago.... Practicing Sevillanas in the living room, getting philosophical on the terrace, sleeping with Bob in the bedroom! But, God knows, I'm ready to get out of España for a while. Matt called and I told him how much I was looking forward to coming home. And how fed up I've been with the job. I can't believe how much I've been working. And the weather's been shitty. And I'm sick of speaking Spanish! I was talking to Mitchell this evening. He said he hopes I return. I said of course I will, but I need to get out for a while. We talked about how hard it is to leave friends and family. He convinced me to wait until 9:00 to get my check. Then I was supposed to meet Andrés at a private club. They let me in with my ripped jeans and camouflage backpack and I waited 20 minutes. Then I left. I hate Spaniards sometimes! It really didn't matter because I wasn't going to cash the check now anyway. It will be nice to have money when I return. So, tomorrow I go. I wish I didn't have to spend the night in London. I haven't been able to get ahold of Keith, either. Oh well. We'll see what happens. Another adventure awaits.

10:30 pm

I've been lying in bed trying to take a nap, but I keep thinking about being back in Detroit. I'm really looking forward to Karen's party in 2 weeks. I have 4 1/2 months of stories to tell! It's hard for me to realize that all my friends have continued on with their lives and have a lot of stories that I haven't heard. I worked six hours today. Didn't get many gifts. I met with this new partner today. He seems really cool. We've been having a lot of meetings lately without Mitchell. I wonder what's going on. I keep thinking they're going to give me the boot or something, but they still are very high on me. I just want to get beyond the Communions! I feel better after talking with this guy today. (I don't even know his name. Herbert or something.) Bob's been gone a week. It's been a long week. But now the end is in sight. Three days more. Yay! I think I'm going to stay at Annelies' when I come back. It's too late to find something now. She also has a friend who wants someone to live in his apartment for July and August. It's another possibility. So, what about my life? Where am I going? With whom? I'm so anxious to find out if Bob will be able to come back here to study for 3 - 4 months. God, that would be great. But it would be so difficult afterwards. Maybe I'd have to move to Kentucky. But who knows what will happen with this job? So much potential. It's incredible. You really do have to make a clean break from your current situation to find all the possibilities that are out there. You're blinded by so many things in your everyday life. You can't see all that awaits you beyond. When you take that one step beyond, it all unfolds in front of you. A myriad of caminos to choose from. The game of Life. Fate. Chance. I had a funny dream the other night. I was visiting BHC, talking to Donna, Scott and the guys. I asked about the Hometowns -- if Pete or Corey had won something. Donna told me they had. Then suddenly I remembered a dream I had. I had called Donna and she told me that we had won the Hometown for Best Institutional Access. She looked at me and said, "You idiot, that was real. We did win." And then I woke up. I was so confused. I couldn't figure out what was real and what wasn't. Funny stuff. Ay, ¡que tiempo! It's been raining all day. Elisabeth and I were going to go to the center tonight, but probably won't now due to the weather.

5:00 pm

I guess I feel better that it's raining. Makes being inside working 10 hours much easier. I am going absolutely stir-crazy. There is so much to do! And, unfortunately, I won't get everything done by Tuesday. I was hoping to go out tonight and not work at all tomorrow, but I'll probably work 1/2 day. Plus, if it rains, I won't go to the market in Fuengirola. But I do need to get some gifts. Shit, I still need to find a place to live! Mitchell tells me his friend will find something for me, but he hasn't called.

1:00 am

I went to see "Los Reyes del Mambo" with Elisabeth. She took me on her motorcycle. It was fun. Maybe I should buy one! Andrés and Bernardo came in to talk to me today. They said they have had a lot of complaints about the communions. But they want me to "take over the business." They want me to do everything. Hire people, tell them what to do. Arrange jobs. Edit. Basically, they want to be the Board of Directors with little involvement. And they want me to be in charge of production. I told them I'm a little concerned with my lack of Spanish, but they said not to worry. I think I'll be more nervous when I return to Spain in July than when I came the first time! I really don't want this to turn into a high-pressure job! But I feel pressure already. They want creativity! They have a contract pending with the department store, El Corte Inglés. Pretty major stuff. They want me to be in charge of buying new equipment, too. Ay, yi, yi! This could really be something BIG! Life is SO FUNNY! I just wanted to come to Spain to lay on the beach! I could've stayed until May, not finding a job, and gone back to the States. But no! I had to fall into an incredible opportunity! I wish I had time to go visit Eric.

12:30 am

One more week in Spain. And so much to do! I worked another 9 hours today and didn't get much done. So many interruptions. I was so frustrated when André kept calling about the tapes he wanted and I couldn't understand everything. I really need to study more. And practice more. Elisabeth stopped by tonight to talk. She's tired of Spain, too. I'm looking at apartments with Frank tomorrow, but he doesn't want something until September. I need to call some places tomorrow. I miss Bob! It was strange sleeping -- and waking up -- alone. I feel so alone right now. I got a ton of mail today. From Andre, Steffi, Antonio, Karen, and Tim and Steve. How fun. Plus my mail from Steve and Bettie. Took me hours to go through it all. I need to get organized for the trip and the move. Who has time for that stuff? I wonder how Bob's doing on his first day back at work? Is he thinking of me? Is he telling everyone of our romantic adventures? Is he settling back into that too familiar, too comfortable to leave lifestyle? Is he going to seriously pursue studying here?


11:00 pm

I really feel that I got a lot accomplished at work today. That's good. I'm getting nervous about an apartment. Mitchell tells me not to worry. His friend will find me something. Annelies says I can stay at her place if I don't find something, so I really don't have to worry. She thinks there's something available near her. Very small, but cheap and a decent sea-view. Still in Pedregalejo, too. There's a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment available over-looking the bull-ring -- a minute from work. But it's $720/month. Too much. Too bad! Maybe when Bob and/or Jenny comes. I don't feel like going out tonight. Although I feel that "I should." Just to Bolivia. Maybe tomorrow I'll go to Queen. Doubt it.

11:30 am

I can't even lie down in bed without my thoughts turning to Bob. And tears coming to my eyes. I think of the time we spent together. I think of the time we'll be apart. No matter what, I start to cry. I can't believe how wonderful these past two weeks were. How wonderful it was to be totally in love. I guess it showed, too. Annelies's sister, Heleen, told us that it was so nice to see two people who really care about each other. Last night we talked about the future. We agreed that it's impossible to make any definite plans right now, but that we could see us together at some point. The question is when. Where. How. He'll pursue the idea of coming to Málaga to study for 3 - 4 months. That would be so nice. So this was "a beginning" as he put it. Who knows where things will lead us? I just know that it'll be hard for him to break away from the comfortable niche he's carved out for himself. Twenty-five suits. Shirts at the cleaners. A cozy home. A well-paying and well-respected position. At least I feel we've been totally honest with one another. I really enjoy sharing things with him. To be vulnerable with someone. To be able to cry with someone. I cried a lot last night. The past two nights we had dinner at home and stayed in. We had planned to do the town Friday. I would have liked to show him the center. But we laid down "for a minute" after dinner and didn't get out of bed. It was a wonderful time together. On Thursday, we went to Torremolinos. Had dinner at a surprisingly romantic outdoor restaurant and went to several sparsely-populated gay bars. We enjoyed it, though. We had great sex that night. I think I felt more comfortable with him after our talk Wednesday. More willing to be completely free with him. Where will we end up? Spain? Kentucky? Other country, city? It's these times when I want to "settle down." Go back to the States and live "the American dream." And then travel. I think I'd like to try Italy next. Maybe Greece. Jenny called Thursday. She's thinking of moving here in the fall. That would certainly be impetus for me to stay. Otherwise, I'm so unsure. I miss "back home" so much. I miss my friends, my way of life, my language! I need to find a place to live. I'm thinking (again) of living with French Frank. Or his co-worker, Eric. We saw him yesterday. Bob thinks he might be gay, too. I'll have to accept his offer to drop by for a beer. Neil Gibbs called me on Friday. It was so nice to hear his voice. I really miss him. Karen called, also. I love my friends! I said good-bye to Antonella yesterday. The last of the Alhambra gang. She said there's lots of mail for me at school. Yay! You know, I hate the way Bob always puts himself down. Saying he's not worthy of me. That he always takes much more than he gives. He calls it "spontaneous self-deprecation." I don't know where he gets it from. He has every right to be egotistical. He's handsome, he's got such a pleasant, warm, caring personality, he has friends and co-workers and family who love and respect him. He gives so much of himself to others. And he's still dealing with the loss of Ron. When we were in Mérida, he had a nightmare. In it, he had been talking to Ron on the phone and realized that Ron was no longer alive. He said he could hear his voice so clearly. He told me of another time when he dreamt he came home from work and Ron's car was gone. He looked frantically through the house for him, but he wasn't there. Bob was afraid he had had a problem and drove himself to the hospital. Then he heard Ron in the backyard talking with a neighbor. He rushed up to him and hugged him and said he was so glad to see him. Ron couldn't understand why Bob was so upset. Then Bob woke up. This happened a month after Ron died. I can't imagine the pain. We talked a lot about his interest in the Catholic church. He needs to find a purpose, a meaning. He asked me what I would think if he became a priest. I told him it would be a great loss for me and that I would think he's just searching for something. He'd make a great priest as a job, but not as a way of life. He doesn't even believe in God! He says he's going through these Catholic classes to learn more, not necessarily to accept all. He compares it to "quantum physics" where if you run into something you can't explain or don't understand, you kind of jump past it and go on to the next step. I like that. Quantum Religion. Speaking of which, we did the last First Communion yesterday. Yay! During the first mass, María Carmen dropped the camera from the second floor window. It fell on a boy, but he was okay. What a disaster. Shit. I'll be so glad to get those done. We have a wedding tonight. Not looking forward to it. Although the one we did last Sunday was pretty fun.

2:15 am

Bob and I talked a little bit more about our feelings today. About if we could ever live together. About where I should be. About why he came here to see me. But, of course, we came up with no conclusions. I told him I'm a little tired of the sex, but certainly not the romance. I'm still very confused about our relationship. I think he is, too. I know I'd like to be with him on a long-term basis. I think he thinks about it, but isn't convinced it would work. I said it's hard to base things on this 2 weeks together because it's so artificial. We've never been together without conference or travel behind it. We need to just live together a while. Here, we're rushing because time is so short. If he comes to study here, that would be a good opportunity. We called Donna tonight. BHC won the Hometown Award for Overall Excellence in Institutional Access. Sure, the one year I'm not there! Actually, it's March to March, so it's still mostly my award. She also said that Gary's position has been eliminated. I'm sure that's all I'll hear about when I'm back! I have to work a lot of hours tomorrow. Need to catch up.

1:00 pm

I wish I had time to write more. I'm sure I'll leave out so many things. Yesterday, Bob and I went to Expo with Annelies and her sister. We had a really nice time together. Sometimes Bob and I click so well. Other times, like this morning, I feel we don't. We can't decide what to do. The weather's been really cloudy. We wanted to go to the beach. Maybe we'll go to Granada. We went on the sky cable car at Expo last night. That I liked. Actually, I was in a bad mood by that time. I was tired and crabby. We didn't get good seats for the fireworks/laser light show. On Monday, I worked only a few hours in the afternoon. I still feel so guilty because there's so much to do! But I want to spend time with Bob, too. I need to. We spent the morning sleeping late and going to the school. I worked all day on Sunday -- Communions and a wedding. But at least Bob was able to go to the beach. I was so mad because Daniel or María Carmen could've done it. What a waste of time! Bob came with me to the church Saturday morning and then I worked a few hours in the afternoon. Oh, I forgot. We went to visit Dave and Gitta Sunday night. It was nice. We had a romantic dinner out on the terrace. It was so nice to see them again, too. After Trujillo, Bob and I stayed in Cáceres and then Élvas, Portugal. We really had such a great time traveling together. I was down because of the rainy weather, but it was still nice. I wish we could've spent time in the city of Sevilla, but we just didn't have time. I wonder if the two of us could live together. He's thinking of coming back here to study Spanish for a couple of months. That would be nice. But I'm getting so fed up with Spain. Bob's right. I need to meet some gay friends here.