11:45 pm

It was a pretty shitty day weather-wise. Actually it rain a lot last night, then cleared up by afternoon and then rained again this evening. Strange. I tried to get the TV to work, but was unsuccessful. It would've been a perfect evening to sit in front of the tele. Andre and I instead had a bottle of wine and talked. About sports mainly. He's such a fanatic. But we talked a lot about Columbus, life in Spain, theft, deterioration of the family. Actually, that was our tema in class today. I felt good talking about the "alternative families" that I know. Andre and I continued after class and tonight -- in English! He should have a pretty good idea that I'm gay. But I didn't mention it when we talked about living with someone. I should've said, "I've never lived with a boyfriend," but instead I said, "someone I was going out with." We spent the afternoon together in the center looking at video cameras. Not very exciting, but just hanging out together. I talked to Marcia Ellis last night. I can't believe it's been 2 months! Shit! It was nice to talk to her. I thought -- only for a moment -- about how nice it would be to be back working there again. I just needed a 2 month vacation. I can go back now, right? Hmmm. Guess not. Of course, it's not what I really want anyway. I still have a cold. I hate it! Always blowing my nose and coughing.

(Monday) 9:45 pm 30 March 1992

Well, today I got the big let-down. Joaquin told me that it would be at least two months before he would be able to start with the video production ideas. At least I know it's not feasible. So I have to really start thinking of other ways to earn money. I'll call Gary Ellis tonight to ask him to start looking at cameras in the States for me. And maybe I'll go to Gibraltar next Monday. I've also been thinking of asking Joaquin if I could rent his mixer and decks. Then I would only need to buy a camera. No, that's not right. I still need an edit controller and an edit deck. $6000. No problema. Shit. I wish I had the confidence in myself to make this work! It really is exciting when I think about it. But scary, too. Andre's been bummed lately because he hasn't found work yet. I know something will come through for him. Hopefully, he'll stay in the Costa del Sol area. Mette's coming back from Denmark, too! But I'm thinking that maybe I need to get out of Málaga. Go to Fuengirola or even Marbella to make this video business work. I need to find tourists with money. Of course, Sevilla is still a possibility for that. I'm getting excited again! I CAN do it! Think positively, dammit! I can't believe that I forgot to mention that I talked to Bob on Friday. It was so nice to hear his voice. He was to have an interview for the Oakland job today. Man, if he gets that, I'd love to go live with him there. After I make my millions here.

1:45 pm

Another beautiful day. I'm sitting on the terrace with Andre. What could be better? Well, for starters, we could be holding hands or kissing or.... ¡Basta! Tim's leaving today. Maybe we can keep this place clean for a change. We had a paella at school yesterday. It was a lot of fun. We all danced Sevillanas. Some better than others, of course. We bought flowers for María José. We'll still be able to talk. She's not leaving for England until May. Last night (after a siesta) the girls came over and we went out to Bolivia, then downtown. Casa del Conde was a lot of fun. They were playing good music and we were able to dance a bit. Then we went to Salsa where I danced quite a bit with Gitta and Antonella. We then went to Bar Donde at around 3:30, I think. It was pretty empty, but Gitta and I danced some. Then I met these two older guys who were apparently gay. They were very touchy-feely with each other. I went with them to another bar where I met some of their (cute, young) friends. They all seem to be gay, but I can't be sure. One guy spoke English as well. He was very nice. They all enjoyed meeting a guirie. Rocky kept trying to get me to do coke with him. They kept buying me drinks, too. Must say I enjoyed the attention. I didn't get home until after 6:00. A very nice different evening.

(Friday) 12:30 am 27 March 1992

Wow! It's really the end of March already? I've been here 8 weeks. I don't believe it! Still nothing with the job. I hate this "waiting game." I enjoyed staying home tonight with a bottle of wine and my music, writing letters. It was very nice. I hope I get more letters soon. they pick me up so much! Tomorrow is María José's last day. That must be very emotional for her. I hope we can still get together a couple of times before she goes to England. Fortune favors the bold.

11:00 pm

How did I manage to get another cold? Especially since it's been so warm and sunny? Actually, it could be allergies. It is that time of year. Shit. I hate being sick. Actually, the weather's changed. It's cold tonight and I think it will rain tomorrow. Still haven't called Bob. I used almost an entire $20 phone card last night calling my brother Paul. We should close on my dad's house soon. I got a second letter from Bob today. God, I've been thinking about him so much. I can't wait 2 months to see him! Yesterday I talked with Lorenzo and Joaquin about video possibilities. I played with the Panasonic WJ-AVE-5 mixer. It's a cool piece of equipment. But we didn't talk about money or a contract or a work schedule or anything. I think he's just trying to get as much out of me as he can. I need to bring it up with him. I was going to this afternoon, but he was gone. I talked with Deirdre, who had a contract with him to teach English, but he didn't pay. She confirmed that he can't be trusted, but encouraged me to pursue it as long as I don't invest too much into it. I still haven't gone back to Malaca Instituto. Shit. I'm such an ass sometimes. Do it! ¡Hazlo! I'll be glad when Tim leaves on Saturday. He and Daniel and Nicole have really been getting on my nerves. Making messes in the kitchen and not cleaning until mold is growing a week later. But that means everyone else (almost) is leaving, too. Andre! I really need to get to know this French guy, Frank, who lives across the street. He could be a good pal. He plays tennis! He's single! Vamos a ver.

10:45 pm

I'm sitting outside by the sea. It's been a beautiful day and is now a beautiful night. You can see so many stars. The waves are crashing in on the rocks. Very nice. I'm feeling good about being here again. Yesterday was a bit difficult being alone in Sevilla, but I'm feeling better about being alone. I absolutely love days like this. I was outside from 12:30 - 7:00. We had dinner at the girls' apartment. That was nice. I like hanging out with different people. And not necessarily going to the bar. Although I would like to meet up with Dirk again before he leaves. I'm supposed to talk with Joaquin tomorrow. I hope we can make some definite plans soon! I feel so frustrated here sometimes. I tried calling Bob to give him my fax number, but I still can't get the AT&T operator, the Spanish international operator doesn't answer and the damn machine wouldn't accept more coins and cut me off before I could leave a message on his machine!

7:00 pm

I'm sitting in Parque María Luisa in Sevilla. The rosewood trees and orange blossoms are in full bloom. The sweet scent in the air is incredible. Horse-drawn carriages pass by. It's a beautiful day -- almost 90° this afternoon! Only problem is that I'm alone. I was thinking that it would be nice to be out traveling on my own again, but I'm feeling a bit lonely. This is such a romantic place. Last night, Vicky, Lori and I sat in a small plaza near the cathedral while a guitarist played. It was so lovely. Found a place with a passable menu del día for $8.00 -- including wine and dessert. I've been thinking how nice it would be if Bob were here. When he does come (oh, he wrote that he's coming for 2 weeks starting May 26th! Yea!) I'll have to bring him here, but it will be teeming with people from Expo. It will definitely change the intimate, romantic atmosphere. Hell, maybe we'll go to Córdoba instead! It was so nice to hear from him. I got letters from Suzanne and Alyssa, too. Friends! And yet, I'm here alone. Whine, whine, whine! I had fun with Vicky and Lori. I enjoyed our little misadventure last night when we got on the wrong bus and had to take a taxi back to the hotel. The taxi driver was so nice. It was good to practice my Spanish, too. Lori was not amused, though. We smuggled in a roll-away bed from a storage area down the hall. Hell, why not live a little? I'm staying at a pension -- only $12, but I don't really like it. There are 5 guys in the room, but it doesn't have the friendliness of a hostel. Still haven't talked to Joaquin about work. Need to on Monday! I want to have some security. Some money!

11:50 pm

Today was a difficult day. Steffi found out this morning that her grandmother had died. She left for Germany this afternoon. It was so sudden. Another one gone. I'll really miss her. Damn, I hate good-byes. Andre, Jeannet and I took her to the airport. "Things happen so quickly here." It's true. This evening, some of us went out to a movie. I enjoyed going out without Andre for a change. I think it allowed me to have a little more prominence. Afterwards, María José's friends met us at a bar. Once again, I didn't say hello to them until I was leaving. What's the matter with me?? I'm going to Bolivia for a drink.

11:50 pm

I still haven't talked again to Joaquin. I need to. To see if he's really serious. Go for it, Mike! I just hate this language barrier thing. I talked with María José today. Joaquin isn't renewing her contract, so she's leaving after the first week in April. He's such an asshole. I told her of my doubts about working with him. She said there's a lot of potential for me at Alhambra. He wants to begin English classes as well. But can I work for such a jerk? She's thinking of going to England to study English for a few months. Good for her. But bad for me. I'll miss her. I'm just getting to know her as a friend. We talked a lot about life and changes and fate and seizing opportunities and finding good in bad situations. I had a really good day, actually. I talked with many different people about different things. And the weather was perfect again! I'm getting spoiled. This is the third straight night I've stayed in. A record! I just haven't had the desire to face Bolivia. Same old. I didn't go to the gay bar Saturday, either. It would've been a good night to go, except that I had to be up early to go to Granada Sunday. That was nice, but much too quick. I'm thinking of going to Sevilla with Vicky on Friday and coming back on Sunday. We'll see. She'll be here on Wednesday. I've still been thinking too much about Andre. Lovesick. Yech. I just love to look at him. Especially when he's down and he has been down lately. He'll be gone in three weeks. Shit.

1:15 pm

The fiesta last night was all right, but it could've been better. Should've played more games. Andre is so damn cute when he's in the spotlight. Actually, I think he's pretty cute when he's out of it, too. Especially when he's feeling out of things and seems very vulnerable. God, I love that vulnerability. Went to Salsa. Yeah, yeah. Same old. We tried to go to a disco, but it cost $6.00 to get in. I danced a while with María José. She's always trying to get me out of my shell. Bless her little heart. Joaquin said we'd talk video Monday. I thought of going out to a gay bar at 4:00 when we were leaving Salsa. I could've done it easily enough. But I didn't I'm really starting to hate this being in the closet again. It really is pretty ridiculous after all these years. What am I so afraid of? The big "R." Rejection. But I don't feel "into" the group now anyway. Because I can't be honest about who I am. Shit. Scheizkoft. Going to the beach today. Weather's been absolutely gorgeous lately!

8:00 pm

Smack! Another dose of FATE! Yesterday, the Director of Alhambra, Joaquin, offered me a job producing videos! What? I can't believe it! It's exactly what I want to do. He has some grand ideas about making videos that teach Spanish. I mean, this could be a long term position. Years. Perfecto! I hadn't pursued María José on the topic because I knew she had had some conflicts with him. I pretty much gave up on the idea. I had been seriously looking at buying my own equipment or looking into working at Expo. Mostly, I've just been feeling very frustrated. Now my only problem is that everyone thinks Joaquin is an asshole. I think so too! But if he's going to give me work... There are still a lot of other details to be worked out. Like a work permit and salary. I need at least $1000/month to live as I have been. But of course, it'd be better to be able to buy things like clothes occasionally. So, anyway, I'm not getting too excited yet. But I know it will happen in some form. It's incredible, really. FATE! That I end up at this school that's starting a video lab. And he also hopes to distribute these tapes elsewhere. We're talking about a real business partnership here. Serious stuff. Potential. My guiding force has struck again. I had a good time at Bolivia last night. Met a German girl, Simone, who's very nice. A Spanish teacher, Fernando, and an American named Mike. Cool. Tonight there's a fiesta at the school. Should be fun. Andre is so geeked over it. He's the Master of Ceremonies. Jeannet is leaving next Tuesday for her job in Granada. I'm going to miss her. Tim's leaving in 2 weeks. Then Steffi and Andre in 3 weeks. Arrgh!

2:45 am

Just getting home from Bolivia. Harold and some other guys were "jamming." Pretty cool. I enjoyed talking with Antonella about life, fate, subconscious feelings, "going for it." Yea. New friends. I've still been feeling left out because I don't speak German! Damn. I've been wondering if this is right for me. If I should go back instead of making a big investment here. But, no. I'm not ready to go back. There's too much potential here. Too many opportunities. I've been thinking a lot about Bob! And what I'm going to do about video equipment. And how I want to continue learning new languages. And how traveling is so right for me. I had another salsa class tonight. Man, I just can't do it! Positive, Mike. Wake up each morning with a positive attitude! You can do it! You are doing it!

1:30 am

I enjoyed meeting some new people today. But unfortunately, there are no new guys in the school. Bummer, dude. I did meet a cute German at Bolivia tonight. Anyhow, this course will be much harder, but I know I'll learn a lot. and talk in Spanish a lot more. I'm almost to the point of being comfortable with it. Not quite, though. I looked at video equipment today. Expensive! Almost double the NTSC version at a discount video place. I don't know what to do! It would cost me $5000 to get what I need. I don't have it! I've really enjoyed talking with Steffi's brother, Matteus. We've talked about politics and education, mostly. the German university system is great. Everything's free! I've been eating too much lately. Too expensive. Money, money, money.

2:15 am

It's really been a difficult two days. I've had to say good-bye to Ronnie, Jorg, Uli and Mette. I hate it. All these good-byes. I remember Lark yelling at me my last day in high school, saying how it hurts to meet and love people, then watch them leave. I was just talking about it with Andre. I can't imagine how hard it will be when he leaves. Change. It's always hard. But it's almost always for the best in some way. I've been feeling very frustrated and lonely, too. I need someone to talk to. About missing my friends. About missing Bob. About missing my former life. I just can't meet people at Bolivia. I hate it. Hate, hate, hate. I'm so full of hate lately. We went to Bar Salsa -- again -- last night. It was packed. I went out of my mind. I had to leave. The first time, everyone else came out in a bit and we walked around. Then we went back to find Andre, but found Tim instead. Later we went back, found Andre, but he left before I could talk to him. Then it was still so crowded, so Jeannet and I left and went back to Bolivia. Arrgh! There must be more! I wanted to go out to a gay bar tonight, but of course I didn't. I hate being in this indecisive, wishy-washy, paralyzed state. I was whining today about what to do about video equipment, saying how it's hard because I could be losing money, and Andre said, "Listen, you're losing money not doing it. Just make a decision and go for it." Boom. A slap in the face. Thanks, Andre, I needed that! Seriously. Karen surely would have said the same thing. "Stop whining!" Andre can be profound. I really think he fits into my life, but I don't think he thinks I fit into his. Who knows? Who cares? The fact is that we're both here now, touching each other's lives and then we'll part. Just like all relationships in life. the parting may be temporary or permanent. Long or short. I've certainly parted from all past relationships. // I went downtown today. Just walked around. found out where one gay bar is, I think. It had no sign. Didn't find the dance bar, though. If I had, I'd probably be there now. Whine! I think I'll go to Granada when Vicky's there. It's only $20 round trip by train. I think. That doesn't sound right. I also found a Sony video dealer. I'll have to go there Monday. Yea! possibilities! It was a beautiful day today. We haven't had many lately. Whine! Remember what J.B. said. "Wake up every morning and say, 'I'm in Spain!'" I'm sure that the start of the new classes on Monday will pick me up out of these doldrums!


2:30 pm

Yes! I'm sitting in the sun on the terrace. It's a beautiful day here in Southern Spain. I have friends here. I have so much potential here. I'm learning a new language (albeit slowly). I'm meeting new people (también). I'm enjoying new experiences. I'm not in the cold and dreariness of Detroit. I have faith in myself. I attempted to call María José so she could come over to talk (but there was no answer). There are so many positives in my life. I need to concentrate on them.

11:30 pm

It's becoming clearer to me what I have to do. I need to buy about $5000 worth of video equipment and "go for it." I'll start my own production business here. I can approach the language schools about publicity videos. I can hit the tourist industry during the summer. I can do weddings and parties. It can happen. But I need to take that first step. Investment. I should wait until I get the money from Dad's estate, but I could put it on credit cards, I suppose. I'm thinking maybe I should go back to Detroit in April to get the equipment. I could ship it to Alhambra -- shouldn't be a problem. Or I could ask Gary Ellis if he would do some of the leg work for me. I should have brought that Videomaker magazine! Hey, I could have Vicky bring one! She'll be here in 2 weeks. I may even go to Madrid to see her next weekend. That could work. That's not too long to wait. I need to make some phone calls. // We had our Salsa dance class tonight. I did so bad. I just can't get the steps down. I think I concentrate too hard. Or not hard enough. I just know I enjoy dancing with the male instructor more than dancing with Jeannet. I'm still having fits of "left-outedness." When Tim and Daniel are speaking German. When Tim and Andre talk about girls. I need to find my niche. // Nothing was decided when I met Abdel at Malaca Instituto Tuesday. The director was busy all afternoon. He showed me the tape that they have now. Actually, I thought it was very well done, except the audio sucks. I felt uncomfortable with him because I couldn't communicate well. I hate it! I want to just become fluent overnight! I'm looking forward to meeting new people when new classes begin on Monday. Oh, I forgot! We had everyone over last night for a paella dinner. Lorenzo and María José said only guiries would serve paella in the evening. But it was a lot of fun. We even invited our French neighbor, Frank. I will be sad to see Ronnie, Jorg and Mette leave. Jorg is so funny sometimes. Last night he came into my bedroom and asked if only I slept there. He wants to stay another week, but needs a place to stay. I wouldn't mind him sleeping with me, but I don't think that's what he meant. It's hard to say, though. I ran into Dirk twice this week, but we haven't really talked. I'd like to get to know him better. Andre and I have been spending a lot of time together. We watched the Barcelona - Dynamo Kiev football game yesterday.

1:00 pm

Carnaval, Carnaval, Carnaval! We ended up not going to Cádiz until Saturday afternoon. I think it was for the best. Two days would've been too much! On Friday, we did nothing all day. Andre complained all day about what a waste it was. We couldn't rent a car. That night, Tim, Andre and I went to Málaga to see "Delicatessen" -- a French farce dubbed into Spanish. It was good. Then we walked around Carnaval downtown. It was okay, but not many people were dressed up. Tim wanted to stay at Salsa all night, but I wanted to walk around more and we did. Saturday, it looked like it would be a repeat of Friday. We finally got a car at noon, but then had to find Ronnie and Jorg. We got stuck in traffic near Torremolinos. It looked like it would rain. But we finally made it to Cádiz. It was fantastic. Thousands of people in the streets -- most in costume. We each bought a hat and/or mask, too. There was so much going on. It went on for blocks and blocks. People dancing and singing in the streets. We were drinking vodka lemon. Biggest mistake I've made in a long time. We started drinking at 10:00. I was sick by 12:30. It was a fun 2 1/2 hours! But then I had to walk around the corner and find a nice place to vomit! Fortunately, (for me, not him) Andre joined me soon after. Tim brought him over, sat him next to me, and asked me to keep an eye on him. Yeah, right. The blind leading the blind. The sick caring for the sick. But I must admit that I enjoyed it. After a while anyway, when I was feeling better. I liked -- I really loved -- being able to take care of him. He was completely dependent on me. I left him for a while to try to find Tim to get the keys to the car. When I came back, he was sitting on the ground with this guy's hand in his pocket trying to steal his money. Tim eventually showed up and we got the keys. Then I had to guide Andre back to the car -- about 5 km. I had wanted to find a taxi, but couldn't. When we finally did, Andre thought he'd be sick in it, so we had to walk the whole way. I had to put my arms around him to guide him through the streets. This is what I enjoyed! I had the chance to hold him. We had to stop once in a while for him to get sick. By the time we were almost to the car, he was able to walk on his own, but I was still hoping we could sleep in each other's arms in the car. I suppose I could've taken advantage of him had I wanted. But I couldn't do that. He's too good a friend. I did feel pretty frustrated, though. So close. So that's how Andre and I found ourselves asleep by 4:00 when everyone else continued until dawn. Ronnie was borracho also. People were dancing around him while he was sleeping standing up. He looked ridiculous, with his colorful blanket around him and a green wig on. Later, he found a truck with a mattress in it and slept there. Then the owners came and gave him a black eye. ¡Que divertido! I really am sorry I didn't get to enjoy it more. But it was a great experience! On the way home, we stopped at a beautiful beach and slept. That Costa de la Luz is so beautiful. Rolling green hills. Mountains. Smooth, sandy beaches. So undeveloped, unlike the Costa del Sol. Last night I forced myself to go to Bolivia with the gang. I played pool for the first time and met some interesting people. Rick, from Atlanta, is taking classes at the University of Málaga. He quit his job and "just did it" like me. Cool. Dirk, from Germany, I think is gay. We talked quite a bit. He had been an exchange student in Indiana. I think I'll get to know him pretty well. Good. I need to meet more people outside our circle. And someone gay, so we can go to the bars or whatever. The situation with Andre is frustrating me so much. Why do I always fall in love with men I can't have?


9:30 pm

I've been writing a letter to Bob. Getting very philosophical. Wondering where each of us fits in to the other's life. Wondering why I'm in Spain and he's in Kentucky. Wondering what he's wondering. I was reflecting on destiny. Meeting Dave on the plane, talking with Tim after class and deciding to move, Andre moving in, going out to Bar Salsa when I didn't want to and talking with María José, meeting Abdel at Bolivia. All pieces of a puzzle. But the puzzle is never complete, is it? "There is no finish line." Lately, I've been blown away by the fact that I'm here in Spain. Why? I really don't know. It's just what's right. I really am being guided. I don't know why. But I have to have faith. In what? In whom? In myself??