10:45 pm

I'm sitting outside by the sea. It's been a beautiful day and is now a beautiful night. You can see so many stars. The waves are crashing in on the rocks. Very nice. I'm feeling good about being here again. Yesterday was a bit difficult being alone in Sevilla, but I'm feeling better about being alone. I absolutely love days like this. I was outside from 12:30 - 7:00. We had dinner at the girls' apartment. That was nice. I like hanging out with different people. And not necessarily going to the bar. Although I would like to meet up with Dirk again before he leaves. I'm supposed to talk with Joaquin tomorrow. I hope we can make some definite plans soon! I feel so frustrated here sometimes. I tried calling Bob to give him my fax number, but I still can't get the AT&T operator, the Spanish international operator doesn't answer and the damn machine wouldn't accept more coins and cut me off before I could leave a message on his machine!

7:00 pm

I'm sitting in Parque María Luisa in Sevilla. The rosewood trees and orange blossoms are in full bloom. The sweet scent in the air is incredible. Horse-drawn carriages pass by. It's a beautiful day -- almost 90° this afternoon! Only problem is that I'm alone. I was thinking that it would be nice to be out traveling on my own again, but I'm feeling a bit lonely. This is such a romantic place. Last night, Vicky, Lori and I sat in a small plaza near the cathedral while a guitarist played. It was so lovely. Found a place with a passable menu del día for $8.00 -- including wine and dessert. I've been thinking how nice it would be if Bob were here. When he does come (oh, he wrote that he's coming for 2 weeks starting May 26th! Yea!) I'll have to bring him here, but it will be teeming with people from Expo. It will definitely change the intimate, romantic atmosphere. Hell, maybe we'll go to Córdoba instead! It was so nice to hear from him. I got letters from Suzanne and Alyssa, too. Friends! And yet, I'm here alone. Whine, whine, whine! I had fun with Vicky and Lori. I enjoyed our little misadventure last night when we got on the wrong bus and had to take a taxi back to the hotel. The taxi driver was so nice. It was good to practice my Spanish, too. Lori was not amused, though. We smuggled in a roll-away bed from a storage area down the hall. Hell, why not live a little? I'm staying at a pension -- only $12, but I don't really like it. There are 5 guys in the room, but it doesn't have the friendliness of a hostel. Still haven't talked to Joaquin about work. Need to on Monday! I want to have some security. Some money!

11:50 pm

Today was a difficult day. Steffi found out this morning that her grandmother had died. She left for Germany this afternoon. It was so sudden. Another one gone. I'll really miss her. Damn, I hate good-byes. Andre, Jeannet and I took her to the airport. "Things happen so quickly here." It's true. This evening, some of us went out to a movie. I enjoyed going out without Andre for a change. I think it allowed me to have a little more prominence. Afterwards, María José's friends met us at a bar. Once again, I didn't say hello to them until I was leaving. What's the matter with me?? I'm going to Bolivia for a drink.

11:50 pm

I still haven't talked again to Joaquin. I need to. To see if he's really serious. Go for it, Mike! I just hate this language barrier thing. I talked with María José today. Joaquin isn't renewing her contract, so she's leaving after the first week in April. He's such an asshole. I told her of my doubts about working with him. She said there's a lot of potential for me at Alhambra. He wants to begin English classes as well. But can I work for such a jerk? She's thinking of going to England to study English for a few months. Good for her. But bad for me. I'll miss her. I'm just getting to know her as a friend. We talked a lot about life and changes and fate and seizing opportunities and finding good in bad situations. I had a really good day, actually. I talked with many different people about different things. And the weather was perfect again! I'm getting spoiled. This is the third straight night I've stayed in. A record! I just haven't had the desire to face Bolivia. Same old. I didn't go to the gay bar Saturday, either. It would've been a good night to go, except that I had to be up early to go to Granada Sunday. That was nice, but much too quick. I'm thinking of going to Sevilla with Vicky on Friday and coming back on Sunday. We'll see. She'll be here on Wednesday. I've still been thinking too much about Andre. Lovesick. Yech. I just love to look at him. Especially when he's down and he has been down lately. He'll be gone in three weeks. Shit.

1:15 pm

The fiesta last night was all right, but it could've been better. Should've played more games. Andre is so damn cute when he's in the spotlight. Actually, I think he's pretty cute when he's out of it, too. Especially when he's feeling out of things and seems very vulnerable. God, I love that vulnerability. Went to Salsa. Yeah, yeah. Same old. We tried to go to a disco, but it cost $6.00 to get in. I danced a while with María José. She's always trying to get me out of my shell. Bless her little heart. Joaquin said we'd talk video Monday. I thought of going out to a gay bar at 4:00 when we were leaving Salsa. I could've done it easily enough. But I didn't I'm really starting to hate this being in the closet again. It really is pretty ridiculous after all these years. What am I so afraid of? The big "R." Rejection. But I don't feel "into" the group now anyway. Because I can't be honest about who I am. Shit. Scheizkoft. Going to the beach today. Weather's been absolutely gorgeous lately!

8:00 pm

Smack! Another dose of FATE! Yesterday, the Director of Alhambra, Joaquin, offered me a job producing videos! What? I can't believe it! It's exactly what I want to do. He has some grand ideas about making videos that teach Spanish. I mean, this could be a long term position. Years. Perfecto! I hadn't pursued María José on the topic because I knew she had had some conflicts with him. I pretty much gave up on the idea. I had been seriously looking at buying my own equipment or looking into working at Expo. Mostly, I've just been feeling very frustrated. Now my only problem is that everyone thinks Joaquin is an asshole. I think so too! But if he's going to give me work... There are still a lot of other details to be worked out. Like a work permit and salary. I need at least $1000/month to live as I have been. But of course, it'd be better to be able to buy things like clothes occasionally. So, anyway, I'm not getting too excited yet. But I know it will happen in some form. It's incredible, really. FATE! That I end up at this school that's starting a video lab. And he also hopes to distribute these tapes elsewhere. We're talking about a real business partnership here. Serious stuff. Potential. My guiding force has struck again. I had a good time at Bolivia last night. Met a German girl, Simone, who's very nice. A Spanish teacher, Fernando, and an American named Mike. Cool. Tonight there's a fiesta at the school. Should be fun. Andre is so geeked over it. He's the Master of Ceremonies. Jeannet is leaving next Tuesday for her job in Granada. I'm going to miss her. Tim's leaving in 2 weeks. Then Steffi and Andre in 3 weeks. Arrgh!

2:45 am

Just getting home from Bolivia. Harold and some other guys were "jamming." Pretty cool. I enjoyed talking with Antonella about life, fate, subconscious feelings, "going for it." Yea. New friends. I've still been feeling left out because I don't speak German! Damn. I've been wondering if this is right for me. If I should go back instead of making a big investment here. But, no. I'm not ready to go back. There's too much potential here. Too many opportunities. I've been thinking a lot about Bob! And what I'm going to do about video equipment. And how I want to continue learning new languages. And how traveling is so right for me. I had another salsa class tonight. Man, I just can't do it! Positive, Mike. Wake up each morning with a positive attitude! You can do it! You are doing it!