11:50 pm

I still haven't talked again to Joaquin. I need to. To see if he's really serious. Go for it, Mike! I just hate this language barrier thing. I talked with María José today. Joaquin isn't renewing her contract, so she's leaving after the first week in April. He's such an asshole. I told her of my doubts about working with him. She said there's a lot of potential for me at Alhambra. He wants to begin English classes as well. But can I work for such a jerk? She's thinking of going to England to study English for a few months. Good for her. But bad for me. I'll miss her. I'm just getting to know her as a friend. We talked a lot about life and changes and fate and seizing opportunities and finding good in bad situations. I had a really good day, actually. I talked with many different people about different things. And the weather was perfect again! I'm getting spoiled. This is the third straight night I've stayed in. A record! I just haven't had the desire to face Bolivia. Same old. I didn't go to the gay bar Saturday, either. It would've been a good night to go, except that I had to be up early to go to Granada Sunday. That was nice, but much too quick. I'm thinking of going to Sevilla with Vicky on Friday and coming back on Sunday. We'll see. She'll be here on Wednesday. I've still been thinking too much about Andre. Lovesick. Yech. I just love to look at him. Especially when he's down and he has been down lately. He'll be gone in three weeks. Shit.

1:15 pm

The fiesta last night was all right, but it could've been better. Should've played more games. Andre is so damn cute when he's in the spotlight. Actually, I think he's pretty cute when he's out of it, too. Especially when he's feeling out of things and seems very vulnerable. God, I love that vulnerability. Went to Salsa. Yeah, yeah. Same old. We tried to go to a disco, but it cost $6.00 to get in. I danced a while with María José. She's always trying to get me out of my shell. Bless her little heart. Joaquin said we'd talk video Monday. I thought of going out to a gay bar at 4:00 when we were leaving Salsa. I could've done it easily enough. But I didn't I'm really starting to hate this being in the closet again. It really is pretty ridiculous after all these years. What am I so afraid of? The big "R." Rejection. But I don't feel "into" the group now anyway. Because I can't be honest about who I am. Shit. Scheizkoft. Going to the beach today. Weather's been absolutely gorgeous lately!

8:00 pm

Smack! Another dose of FATE! Yesterday, the Director of Alhambra, Joaquin, offered me a job producing videos! What? I can't believe it! It's exactly what I want to do. He has some grand ideas about making videos that teach Spanish. I mean, this could be a long term position. Years. Perfecto! I hadn't pursued María José on the topic because I knew she had had some conflicts with him. I pretty much gave up on the idea. I had been seriously looking at buying my own equipment or looking into working at Expo. Mostly, I've just been feeling very frustrated. Now my only problem is that everyone thinks Joaquin is an asshole. I think so too! But if he's going to give me work... There are still a lot of other details to be worked out. Like a work permit and salary. I need at least $1000/month to live as I have been. But of course, it'd be better to be able to buy things like clothes occasionally. So, anyway, I'm not getting too excited yet. But I know it will happen in some form. It's incredible, really. FATE! That I end up at this school that's starting a video lab. And he also hopes to distribute these tapes elsewhere. We're talking about a real business partnership here. Serious stuff. Potential. My guiding force has struck again. I had a good time at Bolivia last night. Met a German girl, Simone, who's very nice. A Spanish teacher, Fernando, and an American named Mike. Cool. Tonight there's a fiesta at the school. Should be fun. Andre is so geeked over it. He's the Master of Ceremonies. Jeannet is leaving next Tuesday for her job in Granada. I'm going to miss her. Tim's leaving in 2 weeks. Then Steffi and Andre in 3 weeks. Arrgh!

2:45 am

Just getting home from Bolivia. Harold and some other guys were "jamming." Pretty cool. I enjoyed talking with Antonella about life, fate, subconscious feelings, "going for it." Yea. New friends. I've still been feeling left out because I don't speak German! Damn. I've been wondering if this is right for me. If I should go back instead of making a big investment here. But, no. I'm not ready to go back. There's too much potential here. Too many opportunities. I've been thinking a lot about Bob! And what I'm going to do about video equipment. And how I want to continue learning new languages. And how traveling is so right for me. I had another salsa class tonight. Man, I just can't do it! Positive, Mike. Wake up each morning with a positive attitude! You can do it! You are doing it!

1:30 am

I enjoyed meeting some new people today. But unfortunately, there are no new guys in the school. Bummer, dude. I did meet a cute German at Bolivia tonight. Anyhow, this course will be much harder, but I know I'll learn a lot. and talk in Spanish a lot more. I'm almost to the point of being comfortable with it. Not quite, though. I looked at video equipment today. Expensive! Almost double the NTSC version at a discount video place. I don't know what to do! It would cost me $5000 to get what I need. I don't have it! I've really enjoyed talking with Steffi's brother, Matteus. We've talked about politics and education, mostly. the German university system is great. Everything's free! I've been eating too much lately. Too expensive. Money, money, money.

2:15 am

It's really been a difficult two days. I've had to say good-bye to Ronnie, Jorg, Uli and Mette. I hate it. All these good-byes. I remember Lark yelling at me my last day in high school, saying how it hurts to meet and love people, then watch them leave. I was just talking about it with Andre. I can't imagine how hard it will be when he leaves. Change. It's always hard. But it's almost always for the best in some way. I've been feeling very frustrated and lonely, too. I need someone to talk to. About missing my friends. About missing Bob. About missing my former life. I just can't meet people at Bolivia. I hate it. Hate, hate, hate. I'm so full of hate lately. We went to Bar Salsa -- again -- last night. It was packed. I went out of my mind. I had to leave. The first time, everyone else came out in a bit and we walked around. Then we went back to find Andre, but found Tim instead. Later we went back, found Andre, but he left before I could talk to him. Then it was still so crowded, so Jeannet and I left and went back to Bolivia. Arrgh! There must be more! I wanted to go out to a gay bar tonight, but of course I didn't. I hate being in this indecisive, wishy-washy, paralyzed state. I was whining today about what to do about video equipment, saying how it's hard because I could be losing money, and Andre said, "Listen, you're losing money not doing it. Just make a decision and go for it." Boom. A slap in the face. Thanks, Andre, I needed that! Seriously. Karen surely would have said the same thing. "Stop whining!" Andre can be profound. I really think he fits into my life, but I don't think he thinks I fit into his. Who knows? Who cares? The fact is that we're both here now, touching each other's lives and then we'll part. Just like all relationships in life. the parting may be temporary or permanent. Long or short. I've certainly parted from all past relationships. // I went downtown today. Just walked around. found out where one gay bar is, I think. It had no sign. Didn't find the dance bar, though. If I had, I'd probably be there now. Whine! I think I'll go to Granada when Vicky's there. It's only $20 round trip by train. I think. That doesn't sound right. I also found a Sony video dealer. I'll have to go there Monday. Yea! possibilities! It was a beautiful day today. We haven't had many lately. Whine! Remember what J.B. said. "Wake up every morning and say, 'I'm in Spain!'" I'm sure that the start of the new classes on Monday will pick me up out of these doldrums!


2:30 pm

Yes! I'm sitting in the sun on the terrace. It's a beautiful day here in Southern Spain. I have friends here. I have so much potential here. I'm learning a new language (albeit slowly). I'm meeting new people (también). I'm enjoying new experiences. I'm not in the cold and dreariness of Detroit. I have faith in myself. I attempted to call María José so she could come over to talk (but there was no answer). There are so many positives in my life. I need to concentrate on them.

11:30 pm

It's becoming clearer to me what I have to do. I need to buy about $5000 worth of video equipment and "go for it." I'll start my own production business here. I can approach the language schools about publicity videos. I can hit the tourist industry during the summer. I can do weddings and parties. It can happen. But I need to take that first step. Investment. I should wait until I get the money from Dad's estate, but I could put it on credit cards, I suppose. I'm thinking maybe I should go back to Detroit in April to get the equipment. I could ship it to Alhambra -- shouldn't be a problem. Or I could ask Gary Ellis if he would do some of the leg work for me. I should have brought that Videomaker magazine! Hey, I could have Vicky bring one! She'll be here in 2 weeks. I may even go to Madrid to see her next weekend. That could work. That's not too long to wait. I need to make some phone calls. // We had our Salsa dance class tonight. I did so bad. I just can't get the steps down. I think I concentrate too hard. Or not hard enough. I just know I enjoy dancing with the male instructor more than dancing with Jeannet. I'm still having fits of "left-outedness." When Tim and Daniel are speaking German. When Tim and Andre talk about girls. I need to find my niche. // Nothing was decided when I met Abdel at Malaca Instituto Tuesday. The director was busy all afternoon. He showed me the tape that they have now. Actually, I thought it was very well done, except the audio sucks. I felt uncomfortable with him because I couldn't communicate well. I hate it! I want to just become fluent overnight! I'm looking forward to meeting new people when new classes begin on Monday. Oh, I forgot! We had everyone over last night for a paella dinner. Lorenzo and María José said only guiries would serve paella in the evening. But it was a lot of fun. We even invited our French neighbor, Frank. I will be sad to see Ronnie, Jorg and Mette leave. Jorg is so funny sometimes. Last night he came into my bedroom and asked if only I slept there. He wants to stay another week, but needs a place to stay. I wouldn't mind him sleeping with me, but I don't think that's what he meant. It's hard to say, though. I ran into Dirk twice this week, but we haven't really talked. I'd like to get to know him better. Andre and I have been spending a lot of time together. We watched the Barcelona - Dynamo Kiev football game yesterday.