11:30 pm

It's becoming clearer to me what I have to do. I need to buy about $5000 worth of video equipment and "go for it." I'll start my own production business here. I can approach the language schools about publicity videos. I can hit the tourist industry during the summer. I can do weddings and parties. It can happen. But I need to take that first step. Investment. I should wait until I get the money from Dad's estate, but I could put it on credit cards, I suppose. I'm thinking maybe I should go back to Detroit in April to get the equipment. I could ship it to Alhambra -- shouldn't be a problem. Or I could ask Gary Ellis if he would do some of the leg work for me. I should have brought that Videomaker magazine! Hey, I could have Vicky bring one! She'll be here in 2 weeks. I may even go to Madrid to see her next weekend. That could work. That's not too long to wait. I need to make some phone calls. // We had our Salsa dance class tonight. I did so bad. I just can't get the steps down. I think I concentrate too hard. Or not hard enough. I just know I enjoy dancing with the male instructor more than dancing with Jeannet. I'm still having fits of "left-outedness." When Tim and Daniel are speaking German. When Tim and Andre talk about girls. I need to find my niche. // Nothing was decided when I met Abdel at Malaca Instituto Tuesday. The director was busy all afternoon. He showed me the tape that they have now. Actually, I thought it was very well done, except the audio sucks. I felt uncomfortable with him because I couldn't communicate well. I hate it! I want to just become fluent overnight! I'm looking forward to meeting new people when new classes begin on Monday. Oh, I forgot! We had everyone over last night for a paella dinner. Lorenzo and María José said only guiries would serve paella in the evening. But it was a lot of fun. We even invited our French neighbor, Frank. I will be sad to see Ronnie, Jorg and Mette leave. Jorg is so funny sometimes. Last night he came into my bedroom and asked if only I slept there. He wants to stay another week, but needs a place to stay. I wouldn't mind him sleeping with me, but I don't think that's what he meant. It's hard to say, though. I ran into Dirk twice this week, but we haven't really talked. I'd like to get to know him better. Andre and I have been spending a lot of time together. We watched the Barcelona - Dynamo Kiev football game yesterday.

1:00 pm

Carnaval, Carnaval, Carnaval! We ended up not going to Cádiz until Saturday afternoon. I think it was for the best. Two days would've been too much! On Friday, we did nothing all day. Andre complained all day about what a waste it was. We couldn't rent a car. That night, Tim, Andre and I went to Málaga to see "Delicatessen" -- a French farce dubbed into Spanish. It was good. Then we walked around Carnaval downtown. It was okay, but not many people were dressed up. Tim wanted to stay at Salsa all night, but I wanted to walk around more and we did. Saturday, it looked like it would be a repeat of Friday. We finally got a car at noon, but then had to find Ronnie and Jorg. We got stuck in traffic near Torremolinos. It looked like it would rain. But we finally made it to Cádiz. It was fantastic. Thousands of people in the streets -- most in costume. We each bought a hat and/or mask, too. There was so much going on. It went on for blocks and blocks. People dancing and singing in the streets. We were drinking vodka lemon. Biggest mistake I've made in a long time. We started drinking at 10:00. I was sick by 12:30. It was a fun 2 1/2 hours! But then I had to walk around the corner and find a nice place to vomit! Fortunately, (for me, not him) Andre joined me soon after. Tim brought him over, sat him next to me, and asked me to keep an eye on him. Yeah, right. The blind leading the blind. The sick caring for the sick. But I must admit that I enjoyed it. After a while anyway, when I was feeling better. I liked -- I really loved -- being able to take care of him. He was completely dependent on me. I left him for a while to try to find Tim to get the keys to the car. When I came back, he was sitting on the ground with this guy's hand in his pocket trying to steal his money. Tim eventually showed up and we got the keys. Then I had to guide Andre back to the car -- about 5 km. I had wanted to find a taxi, but couldn't. When we finally did, Andre thought he'd be sick in it, so we had to walk the whole way. I had to put my arms around him to guide him through the streets. This is what I enjoyed! I had the chance to hold him. We had to stop once in a while for him to get sick. By the time we were almost to the car, he was able to walk on his own, but I was still hoping we could sleep in each other's arms in the car. I suppose I could've taken advantage of him had I wanted. But I couldn't do that. He's too good a friend. I did feel pretty frustrated, though. So close. So that's how Andre and I found ourselves asleep by 4:00 when everyone else continued until dawn. Ronnie was borracho also. People were dancing around him while he was sleeping standing up. He looked ridiculous, with his colorful blanket around him and a green wig on. Later, he found a truck with a mattress in it and slept there. Then the owners came and gave him a black eye. ¡Que divertido! I really am sorry I didn't get to enjoy it more. But it was a great experience! On the way home, we stopped at a beautiful beach and slept. That Costa de la Luz is so beautiful. Rolling green hills. Mountains. Smooth, sandy beaches. So undeveloped, unlike the Costa del Sol. Last night I forced myself to go to Bolivia with the gang. I played pool for the first time and met some interesting people. Rick, from Atlanta, is taking classes at the University of Málaga. He quit his job and "just did it" like me. Cool. Dirk, from Germany, I think is gay. We talked quite a bit. He had been an exchange student in Indiana. I think I'll get to know him pretty well. Good. I need to meet more people outside our circle. And someone gay, so we can go to the bars or whatever. The situation with Andre is frustrating me so much. Why do I always fall in love with men I can't have?


9:30 pm

I've been writing a letter to Bob. Getting very philosophical. Wondering where each of us fits in to the other's life. Wondering why I'm in Spain and he's in Kentucky. Wondering what he's wondering. I was reflecting on destiny. Meeting Dave on the plane, talking with Tim after class and deciding to move, Andre moving in, going out to Bar Salsa when I didn't want to and talking with María José, meeting Abdel at Bolivia. All pieces of a puzzle. But the puzzle is never complete, is it? "There is no finish line." Lately, I've been blown away by the fact that I'm here in Spain. Why? I really don't know. It's just what's right. I really am being guided. I don't know why. But I have to have faith. In what? In whom? In myself??

11:15 pm

I had a good day. Jeannet and I climbed a mountain. Everyone thought we were crazy to try, but it was easier than we thought. It was fantastic. A great view! And it was fun! Something different. I'm glad she went with me. Now I'm about to go to Bolivia. I hope the others are there. I expected them to come by here first. Andre hasn't even been back after his Sevillanas class. Tim's at La Paloma with some Spanish friends. I know I should join them for a drink. He's offered so many times to get me to speak real Spanish with real Spaniards. But I back away. Oh how I hate that! It's the only way I'll learn! Even at Bolivia I don't talk with the Spaniards. I'm staying in my cocoon. I've got to break out! Potential, Mike. Live up to your potential! Don't back down now. I'm still feeling left out and I'm missing my friends. I need a security blanket right now. No. What I need is to let go of my security and take more risks! I need to keep going ahead. Don't rest. I feel better today. Finally getting over my cold and sore throat. Just in time to go to Cádiz for Carnaval tomorrow! I hope I survive this -- two days with no sleep.

(Tuesday) 12:10 am 25 February 1992

Weather still sucks. It rained most of the day today. I hate it. I'm really sick, too. Bad cough and I'm always congested. Now my stomach's bothering me. I went out and bought an electric heater today. It's great. I'll finally have a good night's sleep! I really need to be more outgoing. Get to know people better. Meet more people. A lot of our group is leaving at the end of next week already! How sad. The girls came over after class and we played cards. It was a nice thing to do on a rainy afternoon. Tonight, Andre, Tim and I ate together. That was nice, too. I went out to Bolivia to watch Andre, Ronnie and Jorg play pool. That's where I was feeling lack of potential. I should be talking to Jorg. I should be playing pool, not watching. I should be meeting people, practicing my Spanish. But I just sit there. And it's frustrating being next to Andre like that. I can try to blame it on being sick, but I really need to take control. I'm settling in again. Getting really comfortable -- lazy. I'm not challenging myself.


9:00 pm

I've been down lately. I've been sick, the weather's been bad, but it's also that I'm really missing people. I've been thinking a lot about Bob Johnson. Wondering if there's a future for us. Together, I mean! I think it's fallout from the disappointment I feel about Andre. I guess I'm feeling frustrated and lonely. Maybe thinking about Bob will make things better. Or worse. I don't know. I'm feeling a bit left out here, too. I'm not participating in class. Steffi's brother and sister are staying here and everyone was speaking German. I say it doesn't bother me, but of course, it does to some extent. I hate feeling left out. Like an outsider. Like I usually do. Yeah, yeah. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Mike. I suppose I've come to the point of a letdown from the initial high. Things are not so "new" anymore. They're a bit routine now. At least the weather was nice today. Sat out on the terrace for a while.


11:50 pm

The others went out to Bolivia. I stayed home. I still don't feel well. My stomach hurts. Of course, I haven't really eaten anything today. We were playing Pictionary, earlier. It's pretty fun playing with an international group. they don't know many of the words. And of course, Andre is funny as usual. And the running joke is drawing Denmark and going on from there. Mette started that when trying to do Siberia! We played "Saugatuck rules" Uno yesterday - a speed version some friends of mine made up. Both Tim and Andre and the other girls have said that they don't like Jeannet so much. That bothers me. Of course, I get along fine with her. I hate to think of people being left out. I don't like not having a telephone. I meant to call Bob tonight, but now I'm in bed and I'm not going out. I need to write more letters, too.

(Tuesday) 12:10 am 25 February 1992

Weather still sucks. It rained most of the day today. I hate it. I'm really sick, too. Bad cough and I'm always congested. Now my stomach's bothering me. I went out and bought an electric heater today. It's great. I'll finally have a good night's sleep! I really need to be more outgoing. Get to know people better. Meet more people. A lot of our group is leaving at the end of next week already! How sad. The girls came over after class and we played cards. It was a nice thing to do on a rainy afternoon. Tonight, Andre, Tim and I ate together. That was nice, too. I went out to Bolivia to watch Andre, Ronnie and Jorg play pool. That's where I was feeling lack of potential. I should be talking to Jorg. I should be playing pool, not watching. I should be meeting people, practicing my Spanish. But I just sit there. And it's frustrating being next to Andre like that. I can try to blame it on being sick, but I really need to take control. I'm settling in again. Getting really comfortable -- lazy. I'm not challenging myself.


9:00 pm

I've been down lately. I've been sick, the weather's been bad, but it's also that I'm really missing people. I've been thinking a lot about Bob Johnson. Wondering if there's a future for us. Together, I mean! I think it's fallout from the disappointment I feel about Andre. I guess I'm feeling frustrated and lonely. Maybe thinking about Bob will make things better. Or worse. I don't know. I'm feeling a bit left out here, too. I'm not participating in class. Steffi's brother and sister are staying here and everyone was speaking German. I say it doesn't bother me, but of course, it does to some extent. I hate feeling left out. Like an outsider. Like I usually do. Yeah, yeah. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Mike. I suppose I've come to the point of a letdown from the initial high. Things are not so "new" anymore. They're a bit routine now. At least the weather was nice today. Sat out on the terrace for a while.


11:50 pm

The others went out to Bolivia. I stayed home. I still don't feel well. My stomach hurts. Of course, I haven't really eaten anything today. We were playing Pictionary, earlier. It's pretty fun playing with an international group. they don't know many of the words. And of course, Andre is funny as usual. And the running joke is drawing Denmark and going on from there. Mette started that when trying to do Siberia! We played "Saugatuck rules" Uno yesterday - a speed version some friends of mine made up. Both Tim and Andre and the other girls have said that they don't like Jeannet so much. That bothers me. Of course, I get along fine with her. I hate to think of people being left out. I don't like not having a telephone. I meant to call Bob tonight, but now I'm in bed and I'm not going out. I need to write more letters, too.

I've been re-reading the last 3 months of my journal to see where I've been, where I'm at and where I'm headed. It's really an incredible story. I've been on the terrace all day. It's sunny, but very windy. Clouds are moving in again. I should do some homework, but I really need to write. My life has been so fantastic lately. Never would I have been able to predict all that's happened. And it just gets better. I'm so glad I have today to myself. It's important for me to have time alone. The others went to Ronda today. I stayed in last night because I'm sick. My cold has gone to my chest. No fun. I'm still thinking about Andre. When If. How. I'm feeling apprehensive about getting together to talk with María José. Why? It's another great adventure. One that will result in many positives. Like maybe finding a job.

11:50 pm

We rented a car and went to Ronda today. It was very beautiful, but also very cold. I have a cold that I got Thursday and I was feeling pretty miserable. I went with Ronnie, Uli, Jorg and Harold. Tim, Andre and the girls are going tomorrow. I must say I felt out of sorts on the drive home when they were all speaking German the whole time. Yes, I would have preferred going tomorrow with the others, but someone had to be bumped. It's okay. I'll enjoy the time alone tomorrow. This weather has been so shitty. I didn't come to Spain for this! I'm staying home tonight instead of going to Bolivia or Salsa. I need to take it easy. Last night, we were at Bolivia, but I was so out of it. I really don't make any effort to meet new people. I just sat most of the night. But as long as Andre's there, I'm content. Does that sound sappy or what? Man, the way he looks at me still gets to me. And the things he does. He insisted on buying on me one last beer last night, then left when I decided to leave, even though he could have stayed with the others. He's a good guy. Tim is too, although he can be a scheizkoft. He's such an egoist, while Andre always is concerned about everyone else. I'm fantasizing about him quite regularly. Probably not wise. I'll be so hurt. Jorg was being pretty friendly last night. I just wish he spoke better English. Or Spanish.