1:45 am

So I just had a nice time getting drunk with Annelies. I really just went down at 10:30 pm to apologize for missing yoga class. She's really a special person. She's so funny! What a great storyteller! We were talking about responsibilities when you have children. How different it would be to be drunk or stoned. Then she'd say, "We don't have children," and would pour some more wine. And she talked about Spanish men. "Fucking bastards" as she says. We talked about cute Fran. And, yes, he is gay. Now I'll have to go to the gay bar Saturday. I will miss Annelies.

6:00 pm

So things change again. My old boss at BHSD called me today and said my old job is available immediately. I told her there is no way I could come back before Nov. 1, but I'm not even sure I want to do that. We'll see how much it would cost. It would be nice to be home for the election, though. I've enjoyed doing nothing today. It rained all morning, so I watched TV from my bed until 11:00 am. Then I visited with Annelies and Corinne a couple of hours and slept again a couple of hours. What to do tonight? Don't know yet.

11:20 pm

I haven't yet decided if I'll go out tonight. I "should" try to find Joel and Jeannet. If I knew people I know would be there, it'd be easier. But I don't feel like getting cleaned up and going out in the cold if nobody's there. And I've been content watching TV and reading my Spanish Tao book. Reading about fasting -- cleansing the colon. Not a bad idea for me with my cancer risk. I suppose I should take better care of my body. I still don't do my daily exercises like I should.

4:45 pm

Herbert told me today that he's giving up hashish cold turkey. He says he's smoked a lot for the last 30 years and it's time to quit. He talked about it's regressive effects, how you think about the past. That is true, isn't it? Last night's "punks" episode is proof. He also talked about his childhood. How he was shuffled off to a "boarding school" from the time he was 1 1/2 years old! He is a pretty interesting guy. I suppose it's good that my marijuana and hashish supply is being cut off. A little is nice. A lot is too dangerous.

7:45 pm

So I really don't know. Herbert was telling me again about how things are looking up. He really wants me to come back -- even if Tecny Video Profesional no longer exists. He said he might be somewhere else, but could still use me. The future of TVP itself looks bleak. As long as I get paid tomorrow. But I really would think of coming back here if I could be sure of earning at least $1000/month. Then it would be worth it. And if Jenny still comes... Well, we'll see. Once again.

Tomorrow's my last day! Yay! I can't wait to be free! It would probably be good to get away from Carlos, too, before I go out of my mind. I've developed quite an attraction for him. And tonight, we smoked some hash together. Ooh, look out! Dangerous! But he has a girlfriend. I just can't keep my eyes off him. What a body!

Remember punks? No, not the skinhead kind, the mosquito repellent sticks. (The poor man's sparklers.) But they were really playthings for pre-adolescents. I remember burning holes in paper with them -- spelling out your name in charred paper cut-out. I'm burning an incense stick right now and I was just burning a hole in some paper. Memories of childhood. Funny what sparks a memory. Sometimes sound -- a favorite song; sometimes sight -- children playing at the beach; at other times it's a smell -- burning leaves; or a taste -- homemade chocolate chip cookies!

I'm watching Madonna's "Erotica" video. This must be causing havoc in the States. It's so much more explicit than that other one 2 years ago. I remember watching it in Kevin and Ron's room at Saugatuck. Why can't I remember the name? Not "Like a Prayer." Oh well. "Erotica" is pretty incredible. Rather explicit lesbian porn. Nothing wrong with pushing the envelope. I mean, American mores towards sexuality are so behind Europe. I suppose "Sexy Mother Fucker" by Prince isn't getting airplay, either. Banning books.

It's time to sit and think. About the future. Where I'm going. Where I'm at now. How exciting!!

11:50 pm

So what does it mean to turn 30? Who cares? People have a tendency to analyze their lives at this juncture. All I know is that I'm very content. You know, I seem to be much happier with myself when I'm not thinking about men. Kiko tells me I need a boyfriend. Annelies tries to fix me up with Javier. De talks about not wanting to be alone when she's 40. I could drive myself crazy. I see the men patrolling the park near city hall looking for some action. What's it all about, Alfie? Of course, I think about being with someone. Of course, I feel sometimes that "life is passing me by" because I don't have someone to share it with. But when I meet men I'm interested in, I always drive myself crazy. I'm thinking of going to a gay bar in Torremolinos with the neighbors on Saturday. I'd like to go to dance to good music and be with friends. And, yes, I'd like to meet someone. But what if I do? Then what? Problems creep up. Seguro.

So I only have 2 more days of work! Then I'm free! Let's see if they pay me!

10:30 pm

Yowzie! I'm watching the closing of Expo '92 live from Sevilla. I was wishing I had recorded it somehow -- to show people what Expo was like. And I'm thinking of how I could describe everything. Of course, I can't. There's no way to relate all the sights and sounds, the sensations of everything. The water/laser show just finished for the 180-something-th time. How do you describe it? I can't even try. Shit. I want to try, but can't start. Sensory overload. Makes me think of telling people about my experience in Spain. So much to say. No possible way to tell it all. Perhaps my time here has paralleled Expo '92. How fitting that I'm leaving shortly after its closing. The King is speaking now. Giving the closing address. What a busy year for him. All the speeches, all the visiting dignitaries because of Expo and the Olympics. What a year for Spain! And to think I was here to take it all in. Curro. Cobi. Now history. And today, the 500th anniversary of Columbus' landing. All behind us now. What an incredible year it's been for Spain. For me! And tomorrow -- an hour from now -- my 30th birthday. What lies ahead? (I just heard there wasn't a single robbery reported at Expo. Can that be true?) I can't believe it's over. Expo. My time here in Málaga. My twenties. All behind me now. What to look forward to now? Cartuja '93? Costa Rica? Thirty-something? Wow. I'm sitting here thinking I can do anything with my life. So many options! So many possibilities! It's really incredible, isn't it? To not have ni puta idea where I'll be in three months. Incredible! (I'm watching a movie in which Rutger Hauer is pursuing some A-rabs, in full A-rab dress, in a factory. Strange thing is: it resembles a dream I once had.) Elisabeth and I saw a great Spanish film called, "Jamón, Jamón" tonight. Typically Spanish. In the style of Pedro Almódovar. Bizarre. I was so pleased to find I understood probably 90% of it. And by speaking Spanish all weekend with Frank and Annelies, I feel I'm really close to fluency. But I have to continue it. That's why I'm thinking of Costa Rica. Or Barcelona. Those are two leading contenders right now. What the hell? Why not do it? I've really realized that you have to "go for it" in life. I'm so glad I'm high. I love to write -- really just think -- when I'm high. And to observe and reflect on the world. On so many topics. I'm just fascinated. But I wonder if anyone else will clue in? Could they ever understand all that I'm trying to record? Doubtful, no?

I wish I could record the video things I see on television. They're showing a Málaga documentary on the community TV station. It would be a great thing to show my family and friends. "My town." Of course, they wouldn't understand the narration! I love TV! Oh shit. Joder. Here I go again loving everything. Like I wrote about last time I was stoned.

You know, when I think a lot about Spain, or when I do things like going up to the mountains this weekend, I think I need to come back to Spain. There's so much more to discover! But still... Not to Málaga. I still need to push ahead. I can't be stagnant. That's why Barcelona probably has the edge right now. Although Detroit may be a wild card that turns up unexpectedly. What if I stumble upon a great job? Stability still has a strong pull on me. It's funny how I didn't mention a possible relationship keeping me in Detroit. I really don't dwell on those things anymore. It's for the best. Digo yo. Annelies, Frank and I kept saying that all weekend. A little jab at Spanish lexicography. What? Gotta think about that one. Giant leap, huh? After seeing Jamón, Jamón, and reading into it that relationships can really mess up your life, I'm pretty content on going it alone for now. Yes, for now. It's not like I'm "giving up on love." It's just that there's so much more out there. And sometimes relationships get in the way. Well. They at least direct you in different ways. Different caminos. Life. Ain't it grand? I'm so happy all the time these days. Sure, there's the boredom and frustration of work, but there is so much excitement in my life now. I can't give that up, can I? I mean, I don't doubt and second-guess myself like I used to. I'm enjoying new experiences. I'm in control here, as Alexander Haig once said. What a feeling.

Look out! Now I'm listening to Apollo 18 by They Might Be Giants. I'll always remember this summer in Málaga when I hear it. And Strange Angels by Laurie Anderson. My two favorite CDs to get stoned to.

We walked and drove through a lot of cork tree forests today. Pretty neat. I love being in nature. And the mountains. They are incredible, aren't they? And the sea. So powerful. What a terrific combination of so many geographies Andalucía has. A bit wordy, but from the heart. Man. Exactly one year ago I was in the Vegas airport getting my blue Miata convertible. So this is it! I'm actually 30 years old! I'm so excited! To be where I am in life on my 30th birthday. What a surprise! What a fantasy! To be living in Spain as I turn 30. Whoda thunk it?

11:00 am

So! That was a nice Wednesday evening of thinking and writing I had there! I needed it. Today I'm going to Ronda and the lake and forest area around there with Annelies and Frank. We'll stay overnight. Should be fun -- traveling. We're also talking about going to Morocco at the end of October for a week. Great! We'll go to Marrakech and the south -- by car. Much better than the train. Last night I went to the Feria de Fuengirola with Beth and family. It was a nice change of pace. Went on the roller coaster with the kids. I was going to go out to Bolivia afterwards, but Annelies was coming back, sobbing, as I was leaving. So I stayed and talked to her instead. She's feeling an "autumnal depression," but I think relationship problems have something to do with it. I suppose it's good to just cry sometimes. I'm sure I'll cry when it hits that I'm leaving. I've decided to leave work the 15th so I can travel. And "think." So, with Monday a holiday, that's really only 3 more days of work! De moved in next door. We had a nice chat over breakfast. Too bad she wasn't there before. It's a nice day today, after the past few days being very cold and rainy. I've been daydreaming of buying a car, packing up my things and heading across the USA in January. Current plan, anyway.


11:30 pm

Where am I? In Ubrique with Frank and Annelies. We're having a good time -- although it took us 2 hours and 3 towns to find lodging. We went out tonight. Not much action here. And no restaurants! Plus, it's the eve of hunting season, so the locals are hyped. I do like the idea of bringing kids -- whole families -- to the bar. They really give special attention to the kids here. We're in a cute little pensión -- only $10 a night. God, I'd love to run a bed and breakfast. I really need to look into that! I feel pretty comfortable speaking Spanish with Annelies and Frank, too. Maybe I should return here in January! ¿Quién sabe? Matt and Eli should come here on their honeymoon. Lots of leather for sale, too.

9:30 pm

Remember the song, "Birth, School, Work, Death" by, was it "The Godfathers"? Well, I'm listening to it right now. You guessed it! I'm really stoned. Shoot. It's "The Dirtfarmers." I swear, there was a band called "The Godfathers"! Wow! Just think how far Vanessa Williams has come since being crowned Miss America. What if she hadn't won -- was First Runner-Up? Then nobody would've cared about her Penthouse pictures -- or her singing career. Now she's really famous. Much more than Mary Ann Mobily or Lee Merriwether ever were! Ahh. But more famous than Phyllis George? I dunno. Phly was pretty famous in the early '80s. Married to the governor of Kentucky and working on NFL Today. Why am I on this stupid stream of consciousness? The radio! I was just doing a 5 minute interpretive dance to some Celtic music. Thank God my blinds were closed! What will the guys downstairs think? Pound, pound, pound. "Oh there's ol' lightfoot again. Dancin' stoned to Celtic music." Variety. Changes. New experiences. What life's about. Each minute new. A treasure to be used. LIFE! I love life! Indigo Girls. I like 'em. Great harmony. I love music. So interpretive! I think it would be a real drag not to be able to speak English. Think this way. (Psst. Yeah, over here.) Spanish teens are listening to all this R.E.M., Michael Jackson -- whoever. They're all singing English! You wouldn't have a clue what they were singing about. Talk about frustration! Morrisey, Peter Gabriel, Oleta Adams. There are other singers I've been hearing. You just can't dub songs like you can films! I'm glad I'm stoned. It'd been a while. And so much has been happening. David left this morning. Just as Beth was arriving. How fun! I love guests. I always want to live somewhere where my friends -- from all over the world -- will come visit. I mean, you wouldn't stop in on Detroit if you're a Dane or German on his first U.S. visit. But maybe L.A., San Francisco or Miami. Or even Chicago. I love friends! So much I'm loving tonight. It's like this hash is Ecstasy or something. There's a song they play here -- a house song -- that sings, "EcstaSI, EcstaNO!" Lots of techno music in the dance bars here. Rave -- is that what it's called in England? Something like that. Oh I feel so old. Out of it. Old fart! Zowie. I'll be 30 years old in less than a week! I suppose I should write a "recap" of my twenties -- like I review the year each new year. Yeah right! Why bother? It's all here already in my journal. Ten years ago. I remember talking with Jean Ellison how hard it was for me that I was losing my teenage years. That was an emotional birthday for me! Read about it sometime.

I want to impersonate people. Well, what I mean to say is that I want to do so many things. Like dance in a Rave Bar in Manchester -- with proper haircut and clothing, of course. Just once. To be part of that group. Or whatever group. But to know everything about it. I mean, I could go to a Rave Bar in Manchester. But the absorption of the culture takes so long. How comfortable would I be dancing at this bar in Manchester, with Doc Martins and a shaved head, if I didn't know something about this? Or going into some jazz club in New Orleans -- the old-fashioned smoky type in the movies.

"Unos negritos de Filadelfia." I just heard that on the radio. Talking about some "little black boys." Who are they anyway? "Til the End of the Road" is the song. I'm so out of American pop culture. Oooh. And I miss it! That's scary! I'm still a pretty well-conditioned American. Still miss The Flintstones, Little Caesars, the Free Press, Taco Bell, concerts, CNN, movies in English (videotapes, too), the presidential campaign. I do miss a lot. But then... When I really stop to think about it. "Yes, I miss a lot, but have I missed a lot?" Not really.

Radio Tres Pop is a great radio station. Not quite 89X. But more like Dave Dixon's show on WDET. You never know what to expect. Some great underground music, specials dedicated to the music of Bob Dylan, the Police, or Wilson Philips. Pretty wide variety! Throw in flamenco and Spanish pop music. Great stuff!

Wowsie wow! I was just thinking of cross-referencing my life! If I put this journal on a data base, I could select a topic -- say music -- and I could access journal entries with references to music! Well, I like the idea!

Double whammy! I was just thinking, "I Was a Teenage Censor." I remember my freshman year in college. After taping The Boomtown Rats' "Fine Art of Surfacing" I tried to erase the word "Shit" in the song ... Oh, what was it? About Rhodesia, no? "I was thinkin' they were lucky to be rid of that shit" was the line. Anyway, I kinda missed and it sounded really obvious that I tried to cut it out. Why did I do that? Kwananea!! The Christian Youth group! What did they do to me? Whew! That was close! What if I had really gone over the edge with that religious stuff? Double whew!! I remember going to a Maranatha meeting at MSU my freshman year. Yuck. I was so uncomfortable there. They were all so nice!! Too sugary! Left a bad taste in my mouth.

I was just wondering. How many Top 40 songs deal with love and/or sex? Good percentage, I'd say. Add in songs with a political message, and that's just about 100%, no? Okay, there are other types of songs, but not too many. Oh yeah. I forgot. There's really a lot to write about today. David left, Beth and family arrived. Jenny called. She said she's really happy with her work now. I guess it's a good thing that I decided already to go back -- and take everything. I'm glad I made the decision. You know, I was so determined not to consult people regarding my future. I wanted to do it by myself. Then I did make a decision to go back for good, when a phone call from Jenny turned me around 180°. But I'm back on course -- with the best idea. I'll take my stuff in case I want to stay in the U.S., but leave the door open to come back. Keep those options open! In my heart, I think I won't come back. And it saddens me, of course. I'll be gone from Málaga in a month. Another huge shift in my life. "What next, big sky?" I really don't know where I'll be 3 months from now: Detroit, Málaga, cualquier sitio.

Radio Tres Pop just played a cover of the Human League's "Don't You Want Me, Baby?" by the Farm or something. Now it's "The Blues Will Never Die" by Muddy Waters or someone like that. Pretty wild. "Dig that crazy rain." Woof! Big mood swing. Now I'm thinking of how repressed my emotions are.

11:50

Joel stopped by. I have a pretty wild assortment of friends, don't I? I love my friends. I was pretty startled to be disturbed while I was so stoned. But I guess I've come down quite a bit. Joel and I had a nice "chat." I wonder if he's interested in me. Oh well. I'll be gone in a month.