Friday, September 18, 1992

10:30 pm

It's my usual Friday night getting stoned! I really enjoy it. And now, my plans for the future are wavering once again. Herbert's been telling me of all the work he has lined up. I think he wants me to stay. I've been thinking about it. And then Jenny called today! She's definitely coming in October, probably for three weeks. She really wants to move here, too. That would be so fun if she came! So maybe I can hold on at work. Until "reinforcements" come to rescue me! We would have a blast! Oh shit! I hate when things change so drastically, so suddenly! But it's always subject to change. I worked 9 1/2 hours straight today, because a project needed to be done today (then got pushed back to Monday anyway!) But I didn't mind it because I was feeling "challenged." And with the proposed projects in the future, I'll probably be challenged a lot more. And, you know, I'm feeling a little better with the language. I've been teaching Alberto how to edit and so have been speaking a lot. And last night at Bolivia, I talked a lot with Rosario from Argentina. She's really nice!

I'm watching a Spanish Johnny Carson show. The guest is a Spanish singer in full, huge lacy Sevillanas dress with fan.

1:04 am

Why am I always disappointed with myself? I never seen to live up to my expectations. I think that I should always push myself more. Do more things. Go out to the bar and meet people. It's as if quitting my job and moving to Spain wasn't "good enough." There's so much more to do yet. But I can't push myself that far that quickly. It really takes me a long time to build up my confidence in new situations. I'm always terrified when I start a new job. Can I do it? Again. It's not "good enough" that I got the job. Creo que es el tiempo escribir en español. ¿Por qué no? Yo puedo hacerlo. Y en esa manera, lo practicaré. No me ayuda cuando estoy escribiendo en inglés. Tracey Chapman todavía está en mis oídos. Me alegre que haya decidido escribir en español. ¡Aun sujunctivo! De was so funny last night with her Spanish -- her horrible accent! Whoops! Slipped! De estaba tan divertida anoche con su español -- ¡su accento terrible!

1:25 am

I alternately fantasize about living back in the U.S. with a really good job, perhaps still in Detroit, and frolicking on the Malagueñan beaches with Jenny! Both would be okay! I need a computer. I really want to write. It would be so much easier with a computer! I should think about saving money to buy one. It would give me a goal. A reason to "sacrifice" by not spending money. I wonder if I really could write. I should practice by describing the people I know here -- complete with one or two stories about them. Study their life-journey. People are so fascinating! So many unique stories.

So "writing" seems to be my pet project prospect this evening. Last week it was the Spaulding Gray movie or the "travel video." I'd have to learn to type! But I was just thinking of an "experience" to write about. I made it up. I can do that, too! It doesn't all have to be "true-life stories." Anyway, the storyline was my friends Joel, Helen and others coming over tonight and "forcing me" to go out. I complain that I can't -- I'd need to put in my contacts, shave, get dressed. So they physically dress me, shave me, etc. They really "force" me to go out.


I was just getting into "Romeo and Juliet" by Dire Straits. "Juliet, when we made love you used to cry," brings tears to my eyes. Why is that? I think about that intense love relationship that I've never experienced.

I was just thinking about Jenny coming. Yay! I wonder if we should rent a car for a week. Then we could go to Portugal and Morocco. I don't even know if she wants to travel a lot. She may just want to sit still and get to know the Spanish culture. That'd be fun, too! I was also thinking how I never really talked to Rosario before last night. I always had a negative impression of her. Why? Because of the crease in her forehead? Stupid!

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