Sunday, March 8, 1992

2:15 am

It's really been a difficult two days. I've had to say good-bye to Ronnie, Jorg, Uli and Mette. I hate it. All these good-byes. I remember Lark yelling at me my last day in high school, saying how it hurts to meet and love people, then watch them leave. I was just talking about it with Andre. I can't imagine how hard it will be when he leaves. Change. It's always hard. But it's almost always for the best in some way. I've been feeling very frustrated and lonely, too. I need someone to talk to. About missing my friends. About missing Bob. About missing my former life. I just can't meet people at Bolivia. I hate it. Hate, hate, hate. I'm so full of hate lately. We went to Bar Salsa -- again -- last night. It was packed. I went out of my mind. I had to leave. The first time, everyone else came out in a bit and we walked around. Then we went back to find Andre, but found Tim instead. Later we went back, found Andre, but he left before I could talk to him. Then it was still so crowded, so Jeannet and I left and went back to Bolivia. Arrgh! There must be more! I wanted to go out to a gay bar tonight, but of course I didn't. I hate being in this indecisive, wishy-washy, paralyzed state. I was whining today about what to do about video equipment, saying how it's hard because I could be losing money, and Andre said, "Listen, you're losing money not doing it. Just make a decision and go for it." Boom. A slap in the face. Thanks, Andre, I needed that! Seriously. Karen surely would have said the same thing. "Stop whining!" Andre can be profound. I really think he fits into my life, but I don't think he thinks I fit into his. Who knows? Who cares? The fact is that we're both here now, touching each other's lives and then we'll part. Just like all relationships in life. the parting may be temporary or permanent. Long or short. I've certainly parted from all past relationships. // I went downtown today. Just walked around. found out where one gay bar is, I think. It had no sign. Didn't find the dance bar, though. If I had, I'd probably be there now. Whine! I think I'll go to Granada when Vicky's there. It's only $20 round trip by train. I think. That doesn't sound right. I also found a Sony video dealer. I'll have to go there Monday. Yea! possibilities! It was a beautiful day today. We haven't had many lately. Whine! Remember what J.B. said. "Wake up every morning and say, 'I'm in Spain!'" I'm sure that the start of the new classes on Monday will pick me up out of these doldrums!

2:30 pm

Yes! I'm sitting in the sun on the terrace. It's a beautiful day here in Southern Spain. I have friends here. I have so much potential here. I'm learning a new language (albeit slowly). I'm meeting new people (también). I'm enjoying new experiences. I'm not in the cold and dreariness of Detroit. I have faith in myself. I attempted to call María José so she could come over to talk (but there was no answer). There are so many positives in my life. I need to concentrate on them.

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