12:30 am

I just had the greatest stoned experience. I guess María's weed is pretty good after all. I was listening to They Might Be Giants' "Apollo 18" CD with the headphones on. Sitting in the cool breeze on the terrace, dancing around the apartment with the lights off and only boxer shorts on. I was really getting into the music. Funny stuff! I don't know why I hadn't really listened to it before. So, on comes this song "Fingertips." Could be the ultimate stoned song. I have to make a tape for Matt and Eli and include this song on it. Maybe I could incorporate all the zany lines from it into a letter. Then when they listen to the song, they'll really be freaked. "What's that blue thing doing here?"

The other day on the beach, I was thinking of a toast for their wedding reception. Thinking of including our discussions on "being alone in life" on the drive back from Kim and Todd's wedding. And something about the relationship between friendship and love. Shit, I forget the words I had thought of. It was really good! Made me cry on the beach! I've got to get myself out the door to Donde/Bolivia.

12:15 am

A very pensive day. Didn't accomplish much at work. Still feeling very unsure of the situation there. Pedro and Carmen came in with the video they wanted altered. It wasn't so bad. Only a few minor changes. Paco came in to get his money and we complained about the company. I saw the Dutch guy at Aldi today. But I didn't call to him. I don't know his name, remember?? I thought he and Gitta were coming over tonight, but they didn't. Now I need to go to Donde and hope he's there. I visited Kiko and Danny downstairs a bit tonight. Got a bit high with the guys. Kiko says I need to get a boyfriend. I have the feeling that Rafa's ready. Why am I not? Always pursuing the impossible dream rather than looking what's in front of me. Story of my life, ¿no? Roller-coaster emotions day. And hot, hot, hot! I wrote to Antonio in Barcelona. I hope he responds. I've been reading Time magazine and USA Today. Maybe I shouldn't. Makes me yearn for the USA. Bueno, I'm going out for a while. I was going to wear shorts, but I should probably wear jeans. Don't like that.


10:30 pm

I never did see my "fantasy lover" again last night. He wasn't at the bar. Gitta said he was leaving early in the morning. She had gone out to dinner with Christiana. Too bad he didn't find out where I lived and come up by himself. Would've been nice. I went to Bolivia for a few minutes only. Too damn hot. I didn't have to work this afternoon again. I like these short days. And Herbert says I'll still be paid, but I have my doubts. I had a nice talk with Gitta. She's so nice to talk to. We talked about the uncertainty of the future, disappointment with the present, living for yourself and not trying to live up to expectations. She said if I feel like going back to Detroit in November, I should go! Don't worry about outside forces. I've been getting away from "Just Do It." Carpe Diem.

10:50 am

So here I am at work again with nothing to do. Pretty stupid. I could be sleeping! We stayed out until 3:30 last night. I still don't know this Dutch guy's name. But I talked to him quite a bit last night. Now I think, hmmm, maybe he is gay. I invited him and Gitta over for drinks tonight. But he's leaving tomorrow! Gotta make a move tonight! But I probably won't. Whine, whine. Why not? What do I have to lose? It's not like I'll see him again. Gotta be bold! He really is too cute! Rafa came over last night, too. Gitta, he and I talked on the terrace. Then Gitta went to the bar and we stayed and talked a bit. I don't know why I'm resisting getting involved with him. I like him too much for it to just be sex, but not enough for it to be more! So we'll remain friends! Friends. Yeah! Gotta have 'em. There was a great Brazilian -- I think -- band at Donde last night. I love watching live music. I wish I played an instrument. Do it!

9:40 pm

I had a very nice time last night. I sat here reading and had a couple of beers and smoked a little. Then, of course, I didn't feel like going out. But I finally dragged myself to Donde at 1:00 am, where I found Annelies and Gitta. Annelies and I danced like crazy. It was fun to let loose and be silly. And we were silly. Dancing like drunks. I met this Dutch guy who's staying at the camping with Gitta. He's really nice -- and cute! We talked all night. He and Gitta and I went downtown, but there was absolutely nothing going on, so we came back to Donde until 6:00. I have a good time when I meet people there, but I find that difficult. Anyway, this guy -- I don't know his name! -- is traveling around Spain for a month. He'll be working in Barcelona next year, so I'll have to keep in touch. But why can't he be gay? And interested in me? I've been feeling good about "things" lately. About my life here. About letting the future take care of itself. I had gotten away from the "Carpe Diem" philosophy. I need to remind myself of my first several months here. What great things have happened. And will happen in the future.

11:30 am

August already! I had an "okay" time going out with Gitta last night. Didn't meet any new people, but it was nice just to talk with her. It's great to gossip with her! I miss that! Like what's the deal with cute Fran and his even cuter (British?) friend? And I told her about Rafa. Haven't run into him since last Friday. There's a bit of a breeze today. Great. It was so hot yesterday -- even at night. I had wanted to go downtown, but we never made it. Maybe tonight. No wedding today. I'm free until Monday. Actually, I was free a lot this week. No work! It wouldn't be so bad having the afternoons off -- if I knew I was getting paid. We still haven't been paid for the weddings. I have very little faith in this company. And Alyssa just wrote me all excited about selling all her possessions and moving here to work with me. I'd better call her soon -- and burst her bubble! Jenny, too. God, I really wanted it to work out. We could've turned this town upside down! So anyway, work has me very worried. I need at least $700/month! A ver. I talked to Andre. He's coming to Málaga for a week. Unfortunately, I don't really have room for him and his friend.

7:00 pm

What a great surprise!! As I was sitting watching the Olympics last night, I heard my name being called. To my surprise, there was Gitta down below! She's here on holiday for 2 weeks. She said she had faxed me, but I hadn't picked it up from the school. She asked around at Donde about me and got all sorts of rumors -- that I had left and such. Annelies overheard her questions and told her where I lived. How funny. I'm so happy! I've missed her! We were out at Donde until 4 am last night. I had been at Pinky and James's until 1:30 for dinner and drinks. That was really nice. A very good day, really. Realized that I had friends! I'm sure Gitta's presence will "force" me to go out more. I suppose that's good. Just have to watch the expenditures. But I've been doing well. I have to realize that it's worth a $2.00 investment to go out and be with people. For example, I'm sitting outside at Gallerna right now. I should do this more often. Just one drink, though. I went into work today and wrote letters and read the paper. Herbert finally came in at 1:00. Gave me a Communion to edit, then said to take the afternoon off. But what about pay? He said we'll get paid for the weddings tomorrow. Someone called with a complaint about one of the weddings I edited. So what am I doing wrong? I thought that one turned out pretty nice. Shit. I get so discouraged. But you know, it just doesn't matter. It's not like a parent complaining in BH. This is transient stuff. I can walk away at any time. And hey! I'm in Spain! So fuck it!

I can't believe all the garbage on the beach and in the water here. Gross. It's been so hot lately. I want to go to Expo! Or Morocco. Or Detroit.

9:00 pm

I've been "cautiously up" lately. It's a shame that I have to qualify everything. Of course I'm still in a state of flux. I've actually been feeling a little better at work, but I don't know what next week will bring. Not much work to do. Will they still pay me? 'Course not. Maybe they'll pay me on the 31st, though. I think I do need to stick with it. I was thinking of looking into teaching English. I do miss teaching. But I don't know how easy it would be. Pinky seems to think it would be difficult without working papers. But what does he know? "Things have always worked out in the past." De's been pretty down about things. She's contemplating leaving. Actually, my conversation with her last week was my first in English for a while. I went out with Danny, Kiko and Rafa Friday night. We just went to the bar around the corner, but it was okay. I would've liked to have gone to Torremolinos. We did look through some Spanish gay magazines and talk gay subjects and jokes. I do need that from time to time. Rafa came up to my apartment after a while. I know I felt a bit of sexual tension in the air. But we just talked. I suppose if I were a little more borracho, I would've made a move. Even though I don't like his teeth. He's a nice guy. And something probably will happen between us in the future. I've got a feeling. Then I think, hmmm... is Bob fooling around? Shit. That unpredictable future. Two other girls I know here told me today that they're leaving. Hmmm. But I'm successful here, right? How do I define success? Friends more than money of course. Weather more than money. But friends more than weather? What kind of wacky definition is that?! Success is an inner contentment. That I haven't found. "Still haven't found what I'm looking for." Maybe it's further down the costa. We did another wedding yesterday. It had absolutely no coordination. Another frustrating Monday tomorrow when we discuss the results and the problems. Annelies is back. I'm glad. We took a bike ride to the market yesterday. But we're always speaking Spanish. I need to switch to English to really tell her what's going on in my life. I'd like to see Yop. We should get stoned together. Just the two of us. I wonder if Rafa gets high. My thoughts are all over the place tonight. It's because I haven't written in a while. And I'm mildly stoned. María's pot's the sleepy kind. I hate that. I've been watching the Olympics. Of course, I now feel I'm being anti-social. All these expectations that I think I need to live up to. Stuuupid! ¡Disfrútate! I do feel that I can live my life pretty freely here. Then why didn't I tell Pinky that I prefer to "ogle" hombres? He was commenting on the girls passing by. I'm listening to the cool Sat/Sun. night music program they have on Canal Sur Uno. David Sanborne right now. I feel I need to write to Bob tonight. I've been thinking about money. (Oh really? How novel.) Will I get $600/month or $800? Say $250 on rent, then $350 left ($11/day!) or $550 ($18/day.) But then, I need to save some, too. Air fare, other major purchases. I don't want to touch that $5000 in the bank. God, I've already spent $13,000 of my inheritance! And I just want to travel more! Man, I don't even have $5000 in the bank. More like $4000. Ouch! Okay, no going out all this week. (Unless....) I am determined to start pinching pesetas.