Tuesday, August 25, 1992

11:20 pm

I was re-reading my journal entries from the months preceding my move to Spain. It was great to read the excitement, the anxiety, the life! Sometimes I'm so full of life. I got a letter from Ann Heler today. She congratulated me on my "bold move." Yes, it was. But perhaps my boldness is wearing off. Am I doing things half-hearted like always? You know, half-in, half-out of the closet. The gay/lesbian groups I've belonged to. My family. My job. My relationships! I never seem to give myself 100%. Why is that? What's holding me back? What am I so afraid of? Rejection? By whom? Who am I trying to please? Anyhow! That was such an intense time of my life. So much going on. Oh, and the times with John. Las Vegas. Saugatuck. Brad at Saugatuck! All the emotions. Incredible. So where does that leave me now? Still wallowing in self-doubt. Still feeling pulled to go back "home" -- especially after reading these journal entries. The people I miss. But.... then I read the first few weeks of my time in Spain. And I think, "I can recapture the spirit!" That excitement! The newness. Well, I will go to Bolivia tonight. I hope Tomas is there. Perhaps I should rather go down and visit with Danny, Kiko, Matilde and Anneleis. That would really be reaching out. But I won't. Stuck. How do I get stuck? I was feeling better at work today after a pep talk with Herbert. I told him I was thinking of quitting rather than dealing with all these problems. Bernardo's on vacation. Herbert will meet with him on Thursday. Wait, wait, wait. Herbert wanted me to wait until the end of the month and I told him that my patience had run out. Now I think I'll stick it out until Sept. 15 -- only 3 more weeks. I've been spending a lot of time on my own. Well, not really, when you stop and think about it. I went out Thursday - Saturday -- and late. Whatever. Life goes on. I'm listening to Powaqqatsi. Love it! So -- the plan (at the moment): Work until September 15 or 30. Casually look into teaching English, do a little traveling until the end of October. Possibly work at BHSD until Christmas. In January... well, I haven't gotten that far! Maybe I'll come back to Malaga if teaching English looks good. Otherwise, where? What?

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